A Conversation At BigBother Towers.

Tonight, the BB Towers crew - like So Solid - will be have a parlez about the evening’s episode. I’m here alone at the moment, but that doesn’t surprise me. The other member of the BB Towers Estate is always late. Always. The house starts quietly, because it’s nomination day. “I’m gonna flip this show upside down,” says Darnell, hopefully like The Twits did, by sticking the furniture to the ceiling. Rex and Nicole have an argument about having an argument and Nicole cries that she was left on her own in “this room” (the nice bedroom) with “these people” (the nice housemates) “all night” (all night). It isn’t like he left her in Sexual Assault World, the canny new theme park just outside Leeds. It isn’t like he stuck her on a bed of AIDSy needles. I mean, fine, he did run away, but blah. Rex picks a flower from the garden to present to his girlfriend. Mikey says “I quite like Nicole but this isn’t working for me in here,” right as Nicole sits in front of him. Oh, hang on, they’re here now. They’ll be talking in Italics, and I’ll stay normal and Black. Like Darnell. OH NOES WAIT.

Hello

Hello. Rex has stuck a sunflower on some toast and is calling it an apology

I forgot that, as Head of House,Rex cannot be nominated

I am v irate about this

It’s crazy

As he def would have gone

I love that neck kissing - passionately - is making up

I actually feel sorry for Nicole

That has surprised me

Yeah, I know

Also, I think I know who has been nominated

Do you want to know?

Sure, do tell

Nicole, Lisa and Sara

So Nicole will be going

Oh yeah, I reckon. Or Sara - depends.

Not Lisa though

I think this is a shame in some ways, as Rex should have gone first

No, Sara won’t go

Why?

Is she liked?

She has quite a lot of fans I think

She doesn’t inspire fandom in me, I must say

Nicole keeps saying she’ll walk and I wonder if she will when she knows she’s up

Possibly

Hm

It’s all a bit unfortunate

I’m surprised Sara was nominated, also

Well, we shall see why in a second

Or not, if they edit the noms too much

4 Music boasts Lauren Laverne as a presenter

Haha I hate Laverne

She is a frog face

This is going on the blog, you know. She’ll know you hate her.

Ugh, take that off then

I’m sure she’s a nice person

Lisa has got make up on. What a lie

She has eyeliner tattoos

 

bad ones, at that

Darnell looks terribly white in the Diary Room light

Poor Lisa

I know

 

Haha

Poor Darnell!

Also, his head is quite notchy

I bet it’s itchy

It’s so thick that it must be horrid after shaving

OMG he nominated Sara

How rude

For not fucking him, clearly

Yes, and snogged Mo

Or in Mo’s words, “pulled him”

oloolol

UGH

When Darnell does an Aussie accent he pronouces Sara as Sierra

Yes. I’m surprised at kat noming Sara too

KAT FANCIES BORIS JOHNSON!

haha don’t we all

He has had a haircut now and everything

Lisa’s earrings look like giant earlobes

I wonder what size her boobs were before she had surgery

Probably tiny

I bet they were quite nice

LOOK AT HER DANGLY EARLOBES

She has a good bum

(if by ‘good’ you mean ‘big’)

No, I mean round. That normally means quite good boobs too

Anyway, that is irrelevant

Lisa does have very large old man ears

Did you see when Mo said he thought she was a man?

EUGH is Rex kissing her boobs?

HA, yes.

That is evil

Get out

Rex is treading dangerously close to assault

haha

SLURP SLURP

Rex kisses Nicole like a drunk old man kissing a teen in Flares

Do you think Nicole has had a boob job?

I was wondering that yesterday

Hm, don’t know. Not really looked enough

But can’t make up my mind

Hm

She has horrid shoes

has she? let me see

There.

Ugh yes they are horrid

Mikey looks like a Butlins compere.

hahaha I was just writing something along those lines

Do you think Rex will nominate Nicole?

Nah

Really? I think he might

Really? That would surely end their relationship

Surely

Also, Mikey is wrong about Sara thinking the sun shines out of Rex’s bum

She has been quite annoyed with him this week

And rightly so, too

Oh look, make fun of the non-English mother tonguer!

Making Kat say dirty limericks to make her swear is nasty

OH DEAR

MIKEY’S EXTENTABLE STICK IS MAGIC!

It’s like a lightsaber!

But less noisy

And you can’t fight with it. Well, you could, but it would be rubbish

Yes, and a bit unfair

And it’s not glowing.

Although I was scared when he managed to find Rex hiding behind the bed

MO VOTES FOR SARA! It’s because he thinks she’s loose, I reckon

Maybe he would be a fair opponent because he has some kind of internal motion sensor

Oh he is such a schoolboy

“She didn’t talk to me!”

Sara is being voted out for “making conversation IN FRONT OF ME”? What an odd reason

Haha Mo is very weird

Lisa looks well old today

Yes. She looks tired and a bit sad

Like old lettuce

Although with a 25-year-old’s body

Which is just creepy

Tyre throwing. What fun.

Did they steal that from a local car?

Do you know, I totally forgot about Rachel until just then

Yes, I did that yesterday

Rachel very rarely features in the programme recently

We saw the most of her last week when she was up for eviction

Haha Mo makes noises in the toilet

How disgusting!

That’s as valid a reason for nom as any

It’s as valid is “she talks to me” or whatever

Mikey is playing blind golf

With a hoop and a potato, it looks like

I am glad he has got changed, at least

This is like Nightmare but with less jesters and nobody called Pickle

And no giant skull on the screen

This also strikes me as a bit mean

(All of which would improve BB, btw)

Rachel is scared of Lisa! HA HA!

I can’t believe that Rachel is uneasy around Lisa, but I can believe she’s scared of her

Wouldnt you be? I would be

Yeah, alright, probably. Sleep with one eye open.

Yes. And, in your case, some kind of male chastity belt just in case

Why is Lisa sweating so much? Is it her time of life?

Ha! I think she’s younger than that

“She’s what I’d call a ship jumper - she likes to jump ship.”

Well… It’s entuirely possible to have the ‘change’ when you’re 40 whatever

Rex is so mean about Sara. She is not a cling on, I don’t think

She just never really ahd the chance to make any friends

Plus of all the people left, she didn’t have much choice

Ugh. Mikey better not make it to the final, you know

I know. I can’t fathom his popularity.

In the house?

At all

In the real world.

Well, I don’t think he has that many fans outside

Yeah, but he’s one of the faves to win in the bookies, right?

Just looked: Mikey is current bookies favourite to Win

9/4 odds

Then Darnell/Rachel Tied

UGH

Then Kat

Well, I know that Nicole is favourite to leave on Friday, but that’s obvious

She’s also least favourite to win

Ha

Poor Nicole, I say again

There was utterly no point to her being there, apart from to make Rex look worse

haha but at least he knows he is a tit

I liked his dance

I am looking forward to Darnell being a walrus

OMG Rachel doesn’t know what a walrus is

How does Rachel - a teacher - not know what a Walrus is?

Ridiculous

What is the matter with her?

God knows.

LITERALLY HA HA!

Haha

I forgot she was a Chist child

You are a terrible typist under pressure, you know.

I love that Lisa thinks that 5 digestives will = vomit

Chist child = child of a Neathian morgue assistant

I don’t know

I meant Christ, I admit

Oh no, Mikey is instigating nose picking and eating

he is isgusting

yes yes, I meant disgusting

He really is. YOUR WINNER, LADIES AND GENTS

Thank you and really, well done

Oh, Mikey would have a bogey ready

UGH

“A HUGE BOGEY”.

This is vile

The lowest BB has ever been

Oh I actually want to vomit

Lower than Kinga with a bottle up her quim

Yes, much lower

Mo is revolting

And far more disgusting

He’s going to eat it!

At least Kinga was doing something vaguely normal?

AAARGH!

UGHUGUGH

YUCK OH MY GOD

I want to die

Mo has just ruined any potential sex life he could ever have

Mo seriously will eat anything

Oh god I want to throw up everywhere

He was hungry

(and then eat it)

Only joking

Filled a hole

Kat is saying HARDCORE over and over. Do you think that’s her favourite kind of porn?

Yes

That and Asian babes

Actually, is Kat bi?

I don’t know. I haven’t tested her

Ha. Would you want to? I’m thinking you wouldn’t

I HEAR THE VOICE OF ACE FROM DR WHO ON THE AMBIPUR AD!

Sophie Alldred.

Yes!

Who are Ricky and Melvin on BBBM?

I was just going to ask you that!

I have no idea!

Oh, the hardcore relates to Mo

But he wasn’t hardcore

He was just vile

That’s all

No pride in that

Yuck

Rex is a good head of house!

Ha

He is a something head

Dick?

Ha ha you saw my joke!

Yeah, it was good.

Subtle

Kat is making prophecies

Like me

Why does Darnell want to be sick?

Is it because of the bogey?

If Darnell vomits he is sick for 3 days, APPARENTLY.

Oh yes

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

He’s out of commission

I don’t know

Must be psychosomatic

Oh no, are Nicole and rex going wanking again?

I think so. Whilst talking to others.

Well, what a fun episode.

Nearly.

Typical fare really

Oh well

More of the ssme tomorrow!

Indeed.

Marmite Stripes

Is Rex drowning himself in the bath? Oh. sadly not. In the bedroom, Mikey is going on about not wanting a girlfriend and sex not being all it’s cracked up to be, despite the “fact” that blind people make the best lovers. Can I just say: YUCK. Darnell is stressed. Darnell, I think, is probably one of the most paranoid people not only in the house, but in Big Brother in general. He sometimes hides it well, but you know that underneath those thick long eyelashes he’s always sussing things out. Oh look! Nicole and Rex are arguing! Great. This, of course, is why I tuned in. The inescapable argument. Later, Rex is rude to Sara. Oh, hoorah. Mikey, you have a cornflake stuck to your pasty, ingrown stubble, you hear? Lisa is exercising in the garden, but in all honesty she is just jumping up and down. I could do that, and I am entropic.

Rex is singing Nicole a weird song about “not believing what has been portrayed on the show.” Get it? No, I don’t either. I am starting to doubt the nature of reality somewhat. I mean, let’s look at the evidence. I’m writing about the most boring and forced series of Big Brother so far. Big Bother Towers have been getting weird comments about not living in the real world (or something - I paraphrase). And the most damning pieve of evidence of all: I was, pitifully, trapped in a Welsh city centre today, and saw not the doppelganger of Rachel Big Brother, but actually Rachel from this series of Big Brother. She looked at me like she knew what I was thinking, gave me a sly look and ran off. Now, I may not be a super sleuth but this is all becoming well fishy.

Anyway. Lisa and Sara talk of things that make them feel ill. “Velvet,” says Lisa. “Nails on a blackboard… Like having a wax,” says Sara. As Nicole talks to Darnell about how she wants to go to drama school, Rex bitches about her in the diary room. When he comes out, he asks her is she wants some “petting”. I keep forgetting Rachel is in the house after seeing her today her survival of eviction. It’s weird when she talks. Darnell says something about orgasms the girls’ screaming wakes Mo. Delightful.

The housemates’ Sunday task is to make mosaics in the image of Rex from (chewed) bubble gum. YUM. “You’re not drawing my genitals,” says Rex, even though no one offered (not even Nicole). Oh, that gum looks good. It looks American. The housemates have to wear Roman togas as they make their mosaics. There are wasps everywhere. Lisa is TERRIFIED. Mikey shouts about it into a plant pot (I know you think I made that up, but I didn’t). “This isn’t funny,” says Lisa. “One sting can kill you,” she says. You know how she likes that old adage. (No, I’m not talking about Mario ROFL.)

Now Rex has to judge the mosaics. He doesn’t like Lisa’s or Kat’s and Rachel’s attempts. He doesn’t like the “pig nose” in Darnell and Mo’s mosaic. So, oh, what a surprise, Sara and Nicole’s attempt wins, even though it is not the best, whatever Rex says. Apparently, they are getting their reward later, in costume. “Bring on the Roman orgy,” says Mikey. There is, in fact, a feast in the diary room for them. It is a Roman feast, and I wonder if any of the housemates are aware that Romans ate dormouse. Probably not, because they seem to love the meat. Lisa and Mikey say Nicole is worried about Sara’s relationship with Rex. Can i just say that Lisa looks like she is covered in Marmite, though it is in fact, fake tan. Did she mean to put it on like that? She looks like streaky bacon. UGH. Nicole is crying in the diary room. “There’s all these stories that he [Rex]cheated on me,” says Nicole. “I wish I could talk to him.” Oh dear. I would like to run to a bookies and get the odds on Nicole and Rex breaking up soon after they have left the house. But I won’t, because I can already guess it’ll be pretty high. Regardless, Rex will go this week, I think, which should make things better for Nicole, and for us. Kat goes out to see if Nicole is alright as Rex swans about inside. OK, Nicole did tell him to f off, but still. Things go from bad to worse. Nicole is now sobbing bed and Rachel and Kat are trying to help. Something to lighten the mood? “I’m gonna sleep butt naked tonight!” says Darnell. They go to sleep in B Block. Lisa is being very kind to Nicole, and it makes me think that, going clubbing with her daughter and all, she’d be quite a nice mum. Well, maybe aunt. Kat tries to persuade Rex to talk to Nicole, but he won’t. He is too drunk, apparently. He acts out a phonecall to her. Hm. He seems to find it funny, but he wouldn’t do if he knew why she was so upset. She goes into B Block and Rex hides behind a pillow. “Why you hide your face!” shrieks Kat.

Why indeed.

Fancy a Bit Xtra?

Holly Willoughby, who henceforth, and for the purposes of comedy, shall be known as the Wallaby, walks toward the camera, half-bellowing, she begins to fire out complete non-sequiturs like “This is bigger than the Battle of Hastings, the end of the Cold War, the landing on the moon.” I’m not sure it is; I think it’s just filler to take up more space in the vacuum that is ITV2. “We’re looking for next idol, like Diana, Winston Churchill, or William Shakespeare.” I can’t help feeling that Churchill is rotating slowly about 6 foot down. This is the Xtra Factor. A show so completely incendiary it requires five minutes of filler at the start of Wallaby prating about in a very small car. Much in the same way Jeremy Clarkson prated about in the same model of tiny car on Top Gear. Still, they say imitation is highest form of flattery. Xtra Factor has a different format this year: we are now shown auditions we haven’t already seen, both successful and not, as well as the usual mush of morons’ extended auditions from the main show.

And after this dubious intro, we have a brief mingle with judges. Wallaby claims that Louis Walsh patted her on the arse. The slo-mo clearly shows his hand made contact with her back. Even if Louis did pat her on the arse it would be because he’d mistaken her for Ronan Keating. The pat being a prelude to a cheeky rub, one suspects.

Then the parade of morons and mentalists begins. “These are all the great bits you didn’t get to see”, they say. I seem to remember The Simpson’s Troy McClure saying something along the lines of “if that’s what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold!”before pulling a rictus grin. Wallaby seems to be constantly pulling the same face. A group of giggling, middle-aged “big booby women” (Wallaby’s words) audition for the judges. Wallaby takes some Polaroids to match them up with for Simon. They sing a doo-woop number. It’s ok, actually. Simon says they sound like something from a Tupperware party. What kind of Tupperware parties does Simon attend? Has Simon ever attended a Tupperware party? Well yes, one with doo-woop group, I suppose. Wallaby says they’re more “Ann Summers than Tupperware.” I vomit into my mouth.

Wallaby sits down for a chinwag with professional beard Cheryl Cole. “I don’t know I got in the band,” she says, referring to her time on Popstars: The Rivals. I know why she got in: they needed someone pretty to balance out the ginger one. Wallaby fires out some more nonsense about what it takes to be an idol: “You need to be original, attractive, focused…” My Leon score card remains blank. “You need to want to be Michael Buble, whilst having a complete black hole of a personality.” She doesn’t say this. One auditionee blames his terrible performance on being on antibiotics. He’s taking them for some festering STD, I’d imagine. He can’t concentrate due to the itching and oozing pus. I made this bit up. Mock him! Mock him!

We’re back in Cardiff for the auditions. Tom Jones is the infuriatingly obvious choice of music. “We’ll settle for Charlotte Church,” says Louis, probably secretly dreaming of Gavin Henson. A girl band from Cornwall, called Satin Dolls (creepy name), who describe themselves as “a jazzy version of the Beach Boys” sing a vaguely jazzy choral number. The judges don’t like it. It’s OK. “They were amazing,” enthuses Wallaby. She persuades the judges to give them a second chance. A whiff of cheesey stagey-ness emits from my TV. The girls get their second chance. It’s agreed that they’ll sing “Umbrella” on their return. The band isn’t privy to this discussion. Presumably they know the words. Tough luck if they don’t. This all seems very fishy. A mentally ill woman who “sings jingles” is next. She attempts to sing Bohemian Rhapsody. It’s abysmal. “Sing the jingles then,” says Simon. Said women launches into the theme from Only Fools and Horses. It’s equally terrible and furthermore not a jingle. The judges laugh. The mentally ill woman slopes off to rub cats with bacon or something equally demented. I laugh then feel sorry for her. Why do the all crazies come out of the woodwork for this show? I’m worried that the rate of mental illness in this country is much higher than statistics suggest.

We then get the scary looking guy from the main X-Factor show that sang Bootylicious and did a frightening dance. He looks like one of the Lone Gunmen from X-Files crossed with the one from the Chemical Brothers that isn’t boffing Lily Allen (good choice, Mr Chemical). Satin Dolls return. They launch into “Umbrella”. It’s about the same level as their previous effort. The judges put them through. My beard grows itchy. Dermot says that Holly is now their leader. Presumably she’ll drag them out to Chinawhites with Fearne Cotton and da crew. They’ll all get tattoos and start relationships with z-list indy rockers. Lucky Satin Dolls.

The shows returns. “It’s more revealing than Britney Spears getting out a car,” croaks Wallaby. A chubby girl with thick northern accent sings “Summertime” from some musical. I don’t know which one as I’m not gay. It’s pretty bad. “I’ll try again,” she says. “No, forget about your dream” Simon says, possibly whilst stabbing a small voodoo doll in the heart under the table. The girl doesn’t understand. “I’ll come back,” she says. “No, don’t,” says Walsh.

Louis then does limericks. He rhymes “Simon” with “high, man” not releasing that this just sounds like “hymen”. Louis doesn’t know what a hymen is though, having had no experience with that sort of thing. It’s like asking a mechanic to fix your PC - they’ll just give you a funny look and scratch their head before attempting to jam a spanner in the disk drive. “It’s the end of the show,” announces Wallaby, Simon says “horrific” on the montage of the next show. I concur, Cowell. I concur.

Sara Likes It In All The Holes (When She’s Playing Golf)

“Kat, are you going to have children?” ”I’m thinking a lot more nowaday.” This conversation came from Nicole, who wakes up looking like the Wicked Witch of Post-Assault World, her hair bundled up and matted together with God knows what. She isn’t pretty in the mornings. Lisa says that it’s brilliant having a daughter who is old when she’s only 40. “You can do stuff with them, like go travelling and go out and that,” she says. I’ll bet your daughter loves you for that, Lisa. I can’t think of anything better than going out clubbing with my mum. Nothing. Literally. 

Rex tells Nicole that he had a sexy dream about her, which is so HOT I have to pop off briefly. Mikey looks more and more like a hybrid fish-man, bald and slimy and with eyes that point off in random directions THOUGH I RECOGNISE THAT THIS LAST THING IS NOT HIS FAULT. Apparently, Rex is a credit-card or something, I don’t know. I suspect he’ll be up for eviction this week, and he WILL be leaving. In the diary room Rachel blathers on about something or other, and how glad she is to be in the house still. “Everyone seems really happy today,” she says. UGH! Rex whistles at Nicole’s bum. I really can’t cope with this. “What do you think Nicole looks like?” Rex asks Mikey. “I don’t know. I’ve felt her nose.” The last thing Mikey ever saw was a Doctor with a mask over his face and a needle or something. Jesus. Imagine that image playing over and over. 

Sara talks about how, if the group went out when they get out of the house, she would “hook up” with them all. I’ll bet she shops in Dorothy Perkins (Sorry, they’ve rebranded, haven’t they?) DP. According to her, when you go out you pay to get into all your clubs and then pay for your tables and all that. Rex suggests that she’s an idiot for paying for this stuff. In fairness, she is. Big Brother’s Head Of House challenge this week is, yet again, destined to be a crushing failure as it involves making the housemates stand still for hours at a time, posing as statues. WHY DO YOU MAKE THEM STAND STILL? It isn’t good TV! It’s practically dead-air, Big Brother, and dead-air, as we know, is a crime. Nicole reads out the statues and artists behind them, and we discover that she cannot say foreign names with any skill. One of the statues is The Thinker, which, as Lisa points out, is ludicrously easy because it is sitting down. Eros is hardest as it involves standing on one leg. Nicole and Rex are doing The Kiss (UGH) and will be, therefore, kissing for hours today. Grunle.

(Why is it that The Ultimate R&B Anthems CD is always advertised during Big Brother?)

OH GOD A CLOSE UP OF MO MOHAMMED’S CROTCH. He moves, and that’s it: Rex is the new Head Of House, meaning - canny this - he cannot be nominated this week, and so we have to cope with him for another week. Rex is called to the Diary Room in his costume, which is basically some pants. “Don’t let it out!” yells Kat, referring to his willy. On his own, in the bedroom, Mo Mohammed does a moonwalk, whistles and then does a little twirl. The housemates speak about some stuff that they love about themselves. Rex mentions his skills, likeability and sexiness. Nicole looks a bit sick, actually. Mikey then mentions his most embarrassing moment which, as best I can tell, involves him waving his cock at an awards ceremony. Next, Katreys sings Agadoo, and then wishes that she knew the words. Somebody knows them, though: Try and Guess WHO!

THAT’S RIGHT! Lisa sings the words and jumps about a bit. Mo Mohammed talks about wearing a shirt, and Sara somehow takes this to mean sex. He thinks she’s frustrated. “I can go without it,” she says. Mo asks if she fancies Stuart, Darnell and himself. She says that she hates it when people “gang up” on her. I reckon she’s lying. She loves a gang, I think. She looks the sort. Shops at Dorothy Perkins DP, don’t forget.

The housemates pretend to be Big Brother, but act like they have never spoken to Big Brother before. I don’t know. It’s as dull as flooring. Why does Darnell rock constantly? It’s creepy. Anyway, in bed Rex and Nicole don’t have a wank but talk about how liked or disliked she is. “You’ve doubted me from the very first day,” Nicole says, and she finally breaks and tells him that she knows about the “shit” that he’s done to to her - or, more realistically, the shit he’s done to a stripper in Vegas and another girl in London. “How can you be so horrible?” asks Rex, the man who has cheated on her multiple times and acts like a spoilt baby constantly. Pathetically he makes this about himself and gets out of bed. Plonker. In the living room Rex blames his being a cock on her not wanting to have fun. I don’t know, Rex, I don’t know. I think you need to try to work out what she could have found out - you know, sleeping with that stripper must be pretty hard to recall - and then maybe act accordingly. Sara goes off to bed early, hugging Mo on the way. I was hoping to make a third DP joke here, but there isn’t on: instead, he just gives her the thumbs up, and that one has just written itself.

Bathing Beasties

Oh look! On the preview it looks like Rex and Nicole will break up! Because of course, they will. I mean, we wouldn’t have heard anything, right? It’s all break on pre-recorded Big Brother’s broadcast, right? Seriously, producers: this trick is old. Leave it out.

Nicole thinks Kat is childish, which is ironic. OMG, I think Rex shaves his armpits. How weird. I was watching the Olympics this morning, and was interested to note that German and Brazilian male gymnasts shaved their armpits, whereas Chinese, Japanese and Russian male gymnasts did not. So, perhaps Rex is German or Brazilian. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Nicole admits that she is spoilt whilst in the diary room. Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed.

The housemates don their cleaning overalls for the weeky clean of the house. I bet the BB house smells a bit. I bet the toilet is abhorrent. Mo smokes whilst cleaning, which is de rigeur for the cleaner I keep seeing in my local city centre, but apparently this is not allowed. Later, Darnell has his bath. Rex fiddles with Nicole’s boobs. OH THIS IS SO EROTIC GIVE ME A MINUTE WHILE I HAVE A LIE DOWN. Ugh, as if. They are the least sexy couple after Lisa and Mario I have ever seen on TV.

Whoever survives Friday’s eviction will get a ‘favourite things’ party. Rachel is asked what her favourite music is. “Britney Spears,” she exclaims, which would be fine except she follows this statement with “You know that one, I Love Rock and Roll?” UGH. Why does she have no general knowledge of anything? Do you remember when she said there were 52 days in a year? Well, I do. Big Bother hates things like that. HATES THEM.

Oh dear. Lisa is probably safest sunbathing in the garden, even though she jumps as NOTHING flies past her, because in the main house Nicole declares there should be capital punishment in the UK. Darnell knows someone who has 20 life sentences, “to set an example”. I wonder what this ‘friend’ of Darnell’s actually did? n the bedroom, Rachel discloses that she used to dream of being in BB. Did she dream of embarrassing herself on BB because she is boring and stupid, and thus losing her job in the real world? No? Oh well. Mikey has named Nicole “Nippy Nicole”. This is nothing to do with her breasts, and everything to do with Mikey, a la Kevin Bishop, thinking that a stupid word = funny, even if the content is not. Kat and Stu do weights in the pool. “I’m gon be size 6!” shrieks Kat, but I think this must either be a lie or a joke. Sara plucks Stu’s eyebrows whilst lying on top of him. He says he’s scared, but I think some other part of him in as unscared as it’s possible to be.

Kat gives Rex some relationship advice. Nicole never cooks for him. Oh, boo hoo. “You should have a chat about it,” says Kat. “She only gets worse!” says Rex. “You have to compromise,” says Kat. UGH. Poor Kat. She is being very sensible whilst all Rex says is a nonsense. If Nicole is as bad as he says, why stay with her? “I’ve broken up with her twice before,” he says. That is no excuse to go back, right? This is like Stu going on about wanting to leave the house, when clearly he wants (wanted!) to win. Now Nicole is in the bedroom with Rex. “Stop making me look bad. I’m not a wife who does everything for a man.” Nicole is only 19. I feel oddly sorry for her. “A relationship’s never going to be perfect, Rex.” “You’re not willing to change!” Rex says to his bedding. Oh oh oh what is the point? Nicole’s entry into the house was a pointless venture, unless the producers knew that it would make Rex look bad and they didn’t want him to win.

The reward for the housemates’ cleaning session (eh? I don’t get rewarded for dusting an vacuuming!) is a bath hamper, full of delights. The products must be returned after the eviction. So of course, they tw8t about with all the products. HOW HIRARIOUS. Darnell gets new hair, a beard, and some eyebrows from his shaving foam. Kat’s boob falls out of her bikini and Darnell and Mikey share a bath and loofah each others’ heads. If you hadn’t seen this, you’d think I was making it up, right? Well, I’m not. Waiting for the eviction results, Rex and Nicole argue because Nicole won’t tell Rex anything about what the press have been saying about him and her. I think he was accusing her of seeing other people or people selling their stories about them, but unhelpfully, the powers that be have cut the conversation that led to the fall-out.

Anyway, finally, Stuart leaves. “More of Wales must have TVs than I thought,” says Rex. What the hell is Lisa wearing? Some kind of orange gogo dress with lace tights - she looks like a circus hooker. Nicole tells Rex, in a bad move, that she wanted Stu to stay over Rachel. “Why would you say that?” he flares. Now Rachel is getting her ‘favourite things’ party. She must pick her favourite housemates to join her. She picks Kat, and they allez off to the BB discotheque. It is a room plastered with vile coloured tiles and full of food. Marmite sandwiches. Chicken. Weird. Rachel and Kat dance together and by themselves. It’s an odd and somewhat frightening, soulless sight. The smokers discuss who Sara fancies, out of Mo and Darnell. “I think it’s me, ‘cos you kissed me,” says Mo. Later, BB asks Sara if she’ll miss Stu. UGH. He’s gone. Let’s just leave it. Nicole and Rex are w8nking under the covers again. All’s well that ends wet well, huh?

By the way, sorry for the lateness of this post. I was crying over Stuart busy.

A Brief Sojourn Into X-Factor Land.

X-Factor is back! Big Bother is only a temporary home for it, so don’t be too alarmed - there’s some changes coming to BB Towers in the next few weeks that you’ll love, promise, and will fill all your telly needs, whatever your flavours. But, regardless, there’s mass judging of pop-stars to be getting on with! First up? A boy called Nathan with a voice like a clipped eagle and his Canadian friend who sings like a boar and is a bit grumpy looking. Tommy Saxondale John then appears, with a long blonde (dyed) barnet, and sings in a shit falsetto. It’s going to be one of those shows, chaps. In London, a boyband called JLS - which sounds more like a mass-freight company - appear. They wear matching polo shirts (CASUAL!) with cargo, army print shorts (EDGY!) and pulled up socks (KANYE!). They sound really good, actually, close harmonies, and some fun phrasings. It’s pretty, pretty good. Cheryl loves them, but she would. I’ve just noticed her hand tattoo. Interesting. Simon winks at them. Next, a 16 year old with STUPID big hair gets through, and a gaggle of girls who look like a traveling hen do also make the cut. 

Then Austin, from Essex - and he sounds like Jamie Oliver before elocution lessons, all fat tongues and grinny jowls - has a lovely natural voice. He sings End Of The Road, which is already tiresome, and we’re only in the first episode. Simon winks again. 

Onto the next one: Rachel, 26. She looks sad and talk about her kids and tells her SOB STORY which is that she got pregant at 13 - an age at which I thought vaginas were still sealed, I must say - and did some drugs and went to prison and had her kids taken away and then got out and then, after the 4th child was born felt remorse for her actions. AFTER THE 4TH! Better late than never, right? Hm. So, we’re supporting women who choose promiscuity when barely out of their teens, and then do lots of drugs? Notice, incidentally: every time Dermot asked why she wanted to do X-Factor she said it was because she “wanted a better life for me and my children”.  Me. First. Every time. Anyway, she has a nice voice that sounds like she stole it from Amy Winehouse - which, let’s face it, is a distinct possibility - but still. She gets through and Simon yams on about how much he loves her. Maybe he’s the father of one of the kids? 

Onto Wales now, apparently, and people wanting to be the first Welsh person to win X-Factor. Two scummers describe themselves as “P Diddy, Usher and Rick Astley”. They sing Mysterious Girl, that old Shaggy song, but both a) cannot say the word Mysterious, which the song sort of hangs on (”MISTER E. YUSGIRL” they sing, picking a random name from the phone book, apparently), and b) the Welsh boy who sings the Shaggy part sounds like a drunk mental singing in Jumping Jacks on a friday night. Best thing? His moustache. It’s like a fine dusting of topsoil stuck in some wispy hair. I suspect he watercoloured it on. Cardiff is shit, apparently. Some dick who tries to look like Napoleon Dynamite comes in and sings Beyonce badly for the attention. A woman who is also a scummer - spot the trend! - sings Madonna and waves her hand around like she’s having an eppy. Two boys in plaid shirts sing nasally. Simon thinks that Wales is a write off. 

BUT HANG ON! Alexandra Davies, 16, from Bridgend is here to save Bridgend from the terrible suicides. Everyone in Bridgend is so sad! They keep crying! I was there last week and PEOPLE WERE THROWING THEMSELVES INTO THE STREETS IN FRONT OF CARS. It was awful, just awful. The tens of thousands of people who live in Bridgend can’t go on! They need someone to save them. And is this that person? Let’s see. She sings Sting’s Fields Of Gold, which makes me cry whenever I see that cancer advert where the people fade in and tell others that they love them, just like the GHOSTS OF THE BRIDGEND SUICIDES! Connections. “Not a bad voice,” says Cheryl Cole. She’s getting through, and Bridgend collectively thanks the X-Factor for saving them all from certain death.

Up to Manchester, which already has more yes votes than Cardiff before they even show us someone with a story. Some people with “soulful” voices - which is an easy way of saying that they are Not White, right? - and a girl who sings a song really loudly gets lots of votes  as well. “Love you,” says Simon, which might be true. Simon winks, for the third time tonight. Simon’s started winking a lot this year. Maybe he’s developed a stye? Oh, and now: one of Cheryl’s old friends turns up to audition. He failed 6 years back during Popstars The Rivals - and I remember him, crazily - and he’s spent the last 6 years working in Working Men’s Clubs. Watching him sing to toothless ‘beauties’ and men in those stupid ties with clips on you really want him to do well, actually. Cheryl seems embarrassed. I wonder if she did him back in the day? He sings, and… sounds a little bit deaf, a bit honky. Louis calls it as such. His voice is okay, but strained. Cheryl looks like she’s going to sob, and she walks off, saying she can’t judge it. It’s not great, watching somebody’s dream get shit upon, but it’s true. He’s not got ‘it’, and Simon tells him to stop. He’s about to cry, bless him. Cheryl goes and hugs him, which will surely make him feel better. I wonder if he can feel the gold under her skin as she clutches him? You have to wonder if he saw this as a chance because she was there and might put him through? Regardless, there but for the grace of Mister Swan goes Cheryl, and it’s quite sobering. 

Next week: Stuff we’ve seen on the promo for next week already, but stretched out a bit more.

Neck Scarves, Suits and Eyeliners: Metrosexuality Is Not A Hit With Viewers.

“Stuart’s coming out!” yells Davina. NOT IN THAT WAY ROFL HA HA. Stuart comes out and gets some boos and some cheers and sprinkles confetti or something on the crowd. IT ISN’T A WEDDING, STUART! He gets mobbed by women when he tries to crowdsurf, all of whom try to pull him inside them to father another illegitimate child. It’s like Ursula’s pit in The Little Mermaid, all these poor unfortunate souls for whom Stuart is the highlight of their lives. Stuart fails at crowdsurfing. How can you fail at lying down and letting people touch you? 

Davina does an interview to ask Stuart some insightful questions about politics and OH NOES WAIT SHE ASKS ABOUT SEX AND ABS. (That’s Abdominal Muscles, btw, not that car thing that helps dickheads stop faster when they have been speeding.) Stu watches the clips of people nominating him, and somehow Kat makes more sense than Mo, who mumbles and stutters his way through. He’s clearly thrown by the fact that people nominated him for being annoying rather than because he just wanted to leave. INTERESTING. Stuart applauds himself. Stuart then acts coy when they show a video of his muscles. Oh No! Don’t show that! I’m so embarrassed of them! Mister Swan wept, honestly.

Kat gets some boos - “She plays up to t’camera!” yells some Northern woman in the crowd, and “she looks like Gok Wan!” yells another - and then Bex gets huge huge tits cheers from the crowd! WHAT IS GOING ON? Have we fallen into Bizarro Big Brother, where up is down and left is right? Crikey. Who will win? If Kat is not liked, smart money must surely now be on, who? Lisa? Must be. Mo, Rex, Nicole, Sara, Mikey - not a chance, surely? Darnell, maybe. Kat, still a chance. Rachel, maybe. No, I think the smart money is now on Lisa. 

Why is Stuart’s daughter not there to see him? Why has Davina just given him a book with pictures of her clothes and some of her teeth stuck in? IS THIS LITTLE MADDY PART 2? Sun readers demand to know!

The Wasp: The Most Poisonous Of Mister Swan’s Creations.

This is our 101st post. I don’t know how to feel about that.

“Get Rex Out!” chant the unwashed masses. Hang on. What? Stuart gets cheers and Rachel gets boos? What? Have I missed something? We here at BB towers have apparently called this one completely wrong. I am changing my vote! Rachel is clearly leaving, I suspect, as I have always suspected! She’s awful, isn’t she? With those ways she’s really nice? God, what a c*nt. 

Oh my word, Nicole is so freckly! I think she covers those with makeup, because you know what they say: Freckles = [insert offensive comment here]! And she doesn’t want that! What she does want, however, is some tights instead of food. Black tights. Hang on! Comedy is at a peak! Hold the Kevin Bishop Show, Channel 4: we’ve found something funnier, and it is Rex in a Borat swimming costume saying Borat catchphrases! (I’m using a lot of exclamation marks tonight.) Is nice! My wife, she is very fat! Yakshema! Etc. Apparently Mo Mohammed has changed to get nominated. IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE JUST BLOODY LEAVE. Oh, wait, you want your week of Little Brother, right? Of course. FFS. Rex wants his ego buffed, so he asks if Stu is the best looking male housemate. Answer: Yes. Sara then admits that she fancies Stu - or, sorry, wants to “kiss him”, because we live in some crazy world where we are all 14 years old - and then Mo Mohammed shouts it through the loudhailer and she acts all shy. 

(Channel 4 promo-watch: HA HA! Vaginas that look like a cauliflower! I’m not laughing at that, per se, but really, a vagina is a vagina, right?)

Katreya is saying a prayer to Mister Swan. “Show me where the exit are, give me the light to where everything is.” Apparently she has been in the house for too long, and, being one of the heathen Easterns, has turned to the false idol of the golden swan tap. Coincidentally, that’s the same deity we worship at BB towers. LIsa makes us some shit about how wasps will kill her because she has spoken to some nurses. “It’s how much they sting into you,” she says, “some wasps are the equivalent of the rattlesnake.” HA HA! says Rex, “Rattlesnakes are 1000 times worse than a wasp!” “What’s the worst snake then?” asks Lisa. “The cobra,” she is informed. “Well, she says, “it’s the same as a cobra then.” MISTER SWAN, GIVE ME STRENGTH! 

Rex now has paranoia that Nicole wearing heels makes him look like a dick. No, Rex: being a dick is what does that. Stu thinks that the only reason he is up for eviction is because he asked to be, and seems convinced that he’s staying. They are reading far, far too much into this all. Kat and Mo Mohammed are sent to jail for some conversation where Mo talked about tripping people up. Oh, whatevs. WHATEVS. Sara is flirting for money with Stuart, and it’s a bit dull. Rex bans Mo from drinking because he is prison. I don’t know, I really don’t. 

There is now another argument - THIRD PISSING DAY! - about some cider that was accidentally drunk. I shan’t be mentioning it any more, unless said argument leads to murder or suicide or sex. Or, preferably, all 3.

(Advert watch: Why, exactly, did David Beckham feel that he didn’t have enough money, and so signed up to do an awful advert for a pen? I’ll bet that was one of Posh’s ideas. Or maybe he just really likes that brand?)

I’m still not writing about the cider incident. I wonder why Rex likes cider so much? Do you think Nicole like cider? Maybe Rex likes putting things in cider? I’ll bet he likes putting cooking utensils in cider. He probably likes putting his spatula in cider. Or some sausages, Rex probably likes, when he’s with Nicole, putting some sausages in cider.

Speaking of which, Mo Mohammed claims that the reason he cannot escape from the prison is because he has big ribs. Yeah, Mo: That’s right.

Anyway, Bohemian Rhapsody is played into the house, and Rachel doesn’t know the words. Stuart does, as you’d expect really, from all those times he’s heard it played as the final song on a night out to his local Flares, and he sings along like a wannabe-Rock-twunt. There’s barely a hint of Wayne’s World irony, even! Shocking. Not shocking: Lisa’s dancing. She pogos up and down with no expression on her face like a jack in the box.

Davina is about to announce who is leaving! (Rachel.) It’s very tense! (Rachel.) God, it’s tense! (Rachel.) IT’S STUART! I thought it would be all along. I was only joking about it being Rachel.

Shooting Fish

Rex is rude to Sara, and calls her a child. He laughs, but she doesn’t, and neither do I. I used to like Rex, ish. Now I just think he’s an imbecile. I’m still surprised at how many people I speak to, both in person and in cyberspace, are supportive of Rex. However, if he’d been up for eviction this week, I think he would have gone. They have a fish in the house! A live one! When did that happen? This is one of the most interesting things that has happened in BB this year, and I missed it. Humph. Sara wants an apology for Rex’s comments. I would too, but as a watcher, I’d prefer some footage of the fish instead. Nicole tells Rex not be rude, but that’s like telling me not to eat Twirls. God, I love Twirls, and I am about to eat another one. I am so excited!

Mo is being odd in the diary room again. Mo is a very strange boy. At first, and especially after the picture fight night, I thought he was OK - maybe quite sensible. He can occasionallybe quite fun, too - cross-dressing birthday parties, anyone? - but in all honesty he is a very pointless housemate. Which worries me slightly, because pointless housemates often survive till the final - especially when they have already ’survived’ evictions so the other housemates wrongly assume they are loved on the outside (Rex, take note).

That was weird. I just addressed a housemate, when there’s no chance of him ever reading this, and even if he did, it’d be too late.

Rachel has some new fishfood and some instructions to look after the fish, which are called Heaven and Hell, I believe. All the girls want hair straighteners on the token, and not the hairdryer. This is odd. You can’t use straightners on wet hair… This makes no senseto me. Lisa is an expert on looking after goldfish, apparently, and advises Rachel even after BB has told her what to do. She also talks to the fish in a little high chatty voice. Aha! Darnell says exactly what I just said - that because Mo has survived evictions, he has a big head. “Get off my d8ck,” says Mo, which makes me laugh. Perhaps Darnell is talking with his d8ck hanging out?

The BB games are about to start to finish the shopping task. Rodney off of Only Fools and Horsestells Mikey to stay in the diary room as the housemates outside prepare for the task. However, Mikey is the only housemate responsible for the task, as he must accurately predict the winners. This, I guess, is more fun for him than actually watching the housemates compete would be, as he is BLIND. Oh my goodness. Rachel spins round while balancing an egg, and I’m not being funny, but her shiny red shell suit trousers are hideously unflattering, and her comments (”I’m so dizzy… Now I know what it feels like to be really, really drunk… No wonder you’re not allowed to drive”) make me feel as sick as her trousers. Rachel wins over Rex in the race, though we don’t see him compete. Now it’s the short jump. Mikey thinks Sara will win. Sara gives Darnell three kisses for luck, and, given that it’s Darnell she’s kissing, the inevitable happens. UGH. Rex and Kat then compete is the pool. They have to be floaters. Hahaha. Rex is shivering and looks ill. Kat flails a little and is not allowed to carry on. So I guess Rex wins by default. Lisa and Mo then throw feathers for their event. That lycra isn’t doing Mo any favours, either. Mo wins, which Mikey did not predict. Lastly, Lisa, Rachel and Stu compete in the slow race. Stu has already worked out that the games aren’t the task per se, and Mikey is in control of the task’s outcome. Oh dear. The slow race is weird - a bit like musical statues - and made creepy because they are all wearing unitards. Lisa loses, which Mikey again failed to predict. Stu wins, instead. Stu’s back (peering out from his unitard) is quite effeminate. That’s why he likes people to think he’s gay…

And now the reveal. Mikey comes out of the diary room and BB explains that Mikey had to predcitthe winners. Mikey got three predictions right, and so they will have a luxury budget next week. Less for them to moan about then, I guess. Later, Rachel is crying because the goldfish died. “The goldfish, Heaven…” she sobs, “He did die.” She leaves him in a glass in the diary room. She also has to bring the other fish back, probably because Rex is weeing into the bowl when everyone else is asleep. Nicole laughs when Stu brings in the news, and mentions that Rachel is crying. “She’s crying!” she shrieks. Well, I knew it wasn’t going to end well. I didn’t know about the fish at all, and now one is dead and the other one is “going away”. (Going away my foot, by the way.) This is typical of my life. ANYWAY, this blog is not about me. So.

Nicole and Rex have a bath, and OMG he is exfoliating her with a glove. THIS HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE, EVILS! Mo is being weird again about groups in the house. Darnell disagrees with most things he says. But Mo has a point: there is no particular reason why Rachel is up for eviction. Later, Darnell claims to know nothing about Sara. Oh, we’ve all had this particular chat-up skit, Darnell: just drop it.

In the bedroom, Kat asks why Mo wants to make people angry. “It’s ’cause I want to go,” he says. UGH, come on. If you want to go, then do so, please. Don’t do a Stu, because as soon as you’re up, the pubic will get you out, you’ll be booed, and the rest of your life ruined. Seriously, why go on BB in the first place? “I am kinda breaking down,” says Mo. I eat my Twirl and ponder. Is he really? Mo has been, despite my liking him sporadically, and all, fairly consistent all the way through BB, in that he has made no significant impact. Yes, he was spat on, yes, he was the centre of one of Alex’s rows, but… I don’t know. Darnell, Mo and Mikey don’t think Sara is “girlfriend material”. Yes, and I’m sure she’s sobbing the bedroom because of it. Huh. Do you know what I can’t believe? That there’s still just over three weeks of this to go.

I Can’t Give, I Can’t Give Any More.

Everyone has Olympic fever! Even in the BB house they are subjected to it. Today: the opening ceremony of the Big Brother Games. The opening games involve a loudhailer held by Mikey and Lisa waving some string on a stick around like she’s a power ranger. Mikey gets a bee on him and shouts at it through the loudhailer. Somebody steals the loudhailer from him but he can’t see who because he is blind! HA HA HA! Blindness is brilliant fun! The performance of the opening ceremony then begins and - you might not believe this - is okay. It’s quite a good little bit of silly choreography. I think they must now be bored enough that they push themselves to their limits with every single task. Mikey watches the whole performance. Well, not watches, per se, but he certainly stands in front of it. Good of BB to choose something so visual, eh? 

This task suddenly plummets from ‘bit of fun’ to ‘dull as a PE lesson’ when BB makes the housemates run about in a flag waving ceremony for half an hour, in the pouring rain whilst playing Chariots Of Fire over and over and over. Mikey does a rousing speech which involves him shouting - quelle surprise - and introduces everyone. Lisa’s skill is doing things on the treadmill. Stuart is a heavyweight, appparently. Katreya is going to be in the pool. “Did I forget anyone?” Mikey asks, to which the reply comes, Yes, Mo, Rex, Rachel, Nicole. “How could I forget the glamorous Nicole, in her costume.”

Rex has a cider go missing from the fridge. This is tension. What will happen? I CANNOT WAIT TO FIND OUT. Oh, wait: I can. What happens is some argy-bhaji (Eastenders references ftw!) where people get accused of lying. “It wasn’t Mo’s turn to drink,” Rex says, which I have taken out of context for the purposes of basic comedy. Rex smokes incredibly camply, btw. “He’s a greedy greedy bastard: that’s why he’s called Greedy Mo, do you understand?” Rex asks Nicole, which is both patronising and offensive, and thus covers two of Rex’s main personality bases in one move. I can’t believe I’ve been watching a conversation about mistakenly drunk cider for fifteen minutes.

Kat screams after four press-ups. I am hideously unfit, but I could do ten press-ups followed by some star jumps and a bit of swimming. To get Kat to do more lengths of the pool Rachel shouts “cookies” at her. Anyway. Noms are announced! Stuart and Rachel, as you know, are up, and they both say that they are fine. “I don’t stand a chance against Stuart,” Rachel says. If only she knew. Kat and Rachel share a lovely moment, I assume, but I stopped listening as my ears have learnt to tune out the sound of bland. Big Brother then calls the housemates up on apparently giving less than 100%. Mikey says he’ll sort them out. Mikey delivers the message over loudspeaker and most people don’t listen. Mikey has stopped speaking without the loudhailer, which only makes me more irritated with him. Over dinner he thanks Rex - when prompted - for cooking thought the voicebox. It’s just stupid. Stuart does the training task, and Mikey commands him to “strip to his little speedo things”.  There’s a theory in the press that Mikey is actually partially sighted: does this lend credence to that?

“I can’t live if living is without you!” sings Katreya (though I’m betting she’s singing Mariah not Nilsson, but beggars can’t be choosers). Rex and Nicole spoon, apparently, which Mo thinks is a sexual act. Sara and Stuart lie on the sofas staring at each other. “I was looking at your eyelashes,” Sara says. She’s as subtle as a fisting. “You’ve never said anything nice about me,” she follows with. Stuart hates - HATES! - this conversation. So do I, Stuart. We’re in this together.