I Made Noises, Like Humming And That.

The interesting things today aren’t the nominations themselves, but the extra people put up for eviction, essentially by Big Brother. Charlie, for discussing nominations in the most casual and vague way, is told to remain silent for the rest of the day. This is a near impossible challenge for Charlie, as he isn’t allowed to tell a soul about it. If he fails? He’s up for eviction. “11 hours of me not talking! Can you imagine?” No, but I can fucking dream. He leaves the diary room, and immediately talks. What a tit. Sophie Dogface then nominates Freddie Halfwit because he said that Kris was using her. OMG NOMS FOR THE TRUTH!

Then, Kris spends the next five minutes trying to make Charlie laugh/talk/whatever. Freddie then follows him around. “Do you want a cuddle? Or a tickle? Or do you want to be on your own?” All the housemates are affected by Noirin, under her weird spell. Marcus and Freddie both discuss her effect on them, and she even recognises it herself in the diary room.Later in the episode, Siavash sort-of declares his love for her. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? She’s an averagely-pretty girl who is pretty fucking dull: why are you so obsessed?

Then, because they are absolute fucking idiots, Sophie, Kris and Karly discuss nominations – in particular, Freddie’s place in them. Idiots. Idiots, idiots, idiots. This whole episode is like a litany of idiocy, actually. Kris and Noirin then have a go at Siavash about how he dresses. Marcus then propositions Noirin and says something about her giving him night-terrors. See? Idiots, all of them.

Dogface and Kris are then called to the diary room together. “What can this be about?” they ask. “I’m scared!” Kris says. For discussing noms, they have to stay silent until 2AM (which is MUCH easier than Charlie’s entire-day punishment). They can’t go to bed, or go to sleep. I think that this challenge is interesting, because it reeks of Big Brother trying to get more people in the eviction mix. Five minutes after coming out, Kris says, “don’t” to the rest of the house.

So, Charlie is told that he is up for eviction, adding another name to the ticket. Karly cries when Charlie tells her. “I said today, if any of my mates went up, I’d be so upset!” I think she’s missed the point of this show. Anyone else get the impression that she doesn’t have many friends in life, people who genuinely care about her? Big Brother then tells Kris and Sophie that they both failed their task as well, so they are up for eviction. With Freddie, Marcus, Charlie, Kris and Sophie up, it’s a packed old ticket. Who will go? Here at BB towers, we think it’s between Marcus and Kris. Kris should go, but he might not inspire enough anger to get people to vote, so it’s anyone’s guess at this point.

DON’T DO JOKE TO ME.

Is it just me, or do you hate it also when the HMs sleep under bare duvets and pillows with no covers or cases? It’s a bit…scratty. It also seems a bit oddly unhygienic. Most of the HMs are lolling in the bedroom being mean about Freddie, and saying that Noirin flirts too much. And in the garden, Marcus is annoyed that he has had no hugs from Noirin. And Lisa sings Heartbreaker at her.I am the only person in the WORLD who doesn’t fancy Noirin.

Now they have a crash test dummy task. Lisa is the safety ambassador for the task. The rest are split into three teams, including Kris, Freddie and Sophie in one. And then Kris and Karly moan about Freddie a bit. YOU ARE SO BORING. SHUT UP. Kris has massive jug ears that pop out when he’s in the shower. He is also really orange. He is sitting, topless, in the dairy room, still moaning about Freddie. Anyway, then the task begins. Dressed in neon unitards, they fling each other down a runway on rollerskates, hitting a padded wall. It should be funny, but… It just isn’t. It’s ust a bit irksome. One of those things you watch and think either, I could do that better, or haven’t they got anything better to do? Freddie, Kris and Sophie’s team wins, and will have a party and a chance to win tokens later.

Marcus and Noirin have a conversation about the other conversation they had about him fancying her, between cooking a roast together. (This is not a euphemism.) He thinks he’s done something wrong. ‘I don’t want people to think I’m a mickey-teaser,’ she says. MICKEY? Is this an Oirish word for penis? Is that what Marcus calls his own? Have I missed something? Noirin and Lisa seem to be friends, all of a sudden. This is not a good move for Noirin. Lisa is obviously going to shit stir about Marcus, which she does. Also, Karly and Charlie don’t like roast potatoes. How can anyone ever not like roast potatoes?

Kris, Sophie and Freddie’s party begins. But there’s a catch. To win tokens, they must dance non-stop for an hour, whilst constantly eating burgers and chips, and drinking lager. Lisa has to watch them. Some hardcore rave-style choon is piped in, and Freddie does frightening dancing and noises. then the task finishes, and they win 5 tokens. Then Freddie throws up in the bog. Outside, Karly is dressed like an 80s streetwalker. Why? To consume her roast dinner and mash? She and Noirin talk about men. Karly thinks Kris is the most attractive, and Noirin thinks it’s Charlie, though neither of them ‘think of them like that.’ Whatevs. Later, Freddie goes to bed and ties a scarf around his eyes, and Kris has a lie down.

In the garden, Charlie and Rodrigo assault each other in the grass. I love Rodrigo, but his association with Charlie upsets me a bit. (If you were wondering, Big Bother is written by a few people, and I am the one who doesn’t like their relationship.) ‘He speaks too much. He turns me off,’ Rodrigo says of him. In the bedroom, Rod goes on about the fact that he is the only one who gives back the things Charlie says or does to everyone else. Charlie says he needs to grow up. These arguments are weird and circular. Nothing much is said, and what is said in on repeat, with a strange undertone. ‘Don’t do jokes to me,’ Rod says. Then Lisa gets involved a bit and they both get angry (not with Lisa, unfortunately). And Charlie says Rod’s a freak, and Rod asks if it’s because he’s from a different country and doesn’t speak English properly.  ’Don’t play the race card!’ says Charlie. Rod calls him a clown. Lisa urges them to separate. Blah. Finally, Charlie, Lisa and Karly go outside to bitch about Rod, and Marcus and Siavash sit in the main house talking about Noirin ‘missing her ex’. When he has goes to bed, Siavash warns Noirin that he is ‘another Sree’.

Please. Sort this out, powers-that-BB. New housemates, or else. I don’t want this to be the ‘Everyone-fancies-Noirin-and-hates-Freddie-and-Rodrigo-has-a-temper-Show’ forever.

The Clever Kid In The Class That Nobody Listens To.

Freddie starts crying – as Marcus notes, as soon as the Cameras whir on in the morning – because he is so observant. “My openness is getting me nominated and keeping me in the house!” he whines. I’m thrilled that Freddie has stayed in over every single person that has left, but, really, Freddie, don’t go all pathetic on us now, or the public will punch you in the bum. Kris is angry that Freddie DARE to suggest that his relationship with Sophie Dogface is for the cameras. HOW DARE HE? “It’s his opinion, he’s wrong, but,” he tells Siavash. Freddie then apologises to Kris, who semi-takes the apology, and then Freddie sings Sloop John B, the “Feel so broke up, I wanna go home” line. PRECOGNITION? (Probably not.)

In the bedroom, Kris and Sophie lie in bed and discuss the breaking of Sophie’s Mum’s rule under the covers. Marcus lies at their feet like some weird cat. In the garden, Freddie asks if he can give Charlie a hug, which Charlie allows until he breaks it off. “I feel sick,” he says. “If you ever need a cuddle,” he offers Charlie, and Charlie rubuffs with an offer of talks. “Can I lay my head on your chest?” Freddie asks, and Charlie doesn’t let him. “People will think we’re going out,” he says. THEN HE RUBS HIS BACK. Alright, Freddie, what the fuck are you doing? This is weird. Then he hugs Sophie, who is wearing a top three or four sizes too small for her breasts.

Rodrigo is given a challenge: Make somebody else in the house get down on all fours and bark like a dog. Brilliant. He goes into the garden, moans about his foot, and then goes down on all fours himself, as if gestures are somehow contagious. Oh! I see! He’s doing it to get somebody to do it with him! So, Rodrigo moves onto Sophie, and persuades her to imitate a dog with him. She takes it further, imitating licking her crotch and doing a poo. Sophie then barks, brilliantly, meaning that Rodrigo has passed his secret task, I suppose. THAT WAS FUN WASN’T IT?

Noirin and Lisa have a conversation about Marcus, and the fact that she doesn’t fancy him. Here’s a theory: Noirin is some mystical Irish beast that lures men to their deaths, like a Siren. MArcus then talks about Noirin, about how he knows he’s being lured in, but then, “why does she always says that I’m her favourite in the house?” The Marcus says something about Rodrigo, Charlie and “hot Latin temper,” but honestly, I had stopped listening. The Kris and Charlie wrap Rodrigo in a sheet and drag him outside. “If this thing break I go with my back on the floor!” Rodrigo shouts. Charlie and Rodrigo then have an argument about the fact that Rodrigo won’t leave Charlie alone. “Why don’t you go to soap opera to be an actor?” Rodrigo asks, which is an interesting question.

Later in the day, Rodrigo goes and sits in the toilet by himself having a little cry. AHHHHH! He’s like that adorable lolcat, the one with the big eyes that’s been put through the washing machine and is saying, “I CAN HAZ DRY NOW?” or something equally pathetic/sweet. Charlie sees him, and sees his tears, and hugs him. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Who doesn’t want this relationship to happen, eh? Nobody gives a fig about Sophie and Kris, but this one? I could absolutely get behind these two. (Not literally.)

In the garden, Sophie and Karly discuss the girls on the outside world voting them out because they are pretty, and the public will be jealous. Oh, come on, that’s a bit unfair: they’ll vote you out because you are dull or nasty, surely? Much better reasons.

Keep it to Yourself

Ding dong, Sree has gone! Except he hasn’t, quite yet, but this is the last episode we’ll ever see him in! Hooray! The morn breaks and Freddie asks Lisa if they can talk outside, whilst cigging. As soon as he has left the room, she and the rest start bitching about him. Horrible lot. Anyway, here is what they say: Lisa has a special skill, Lisa and Freddie like each other, she’s not scary, even though she has a skinhead, she knows she has an acid tongue, Freddie said how he felt, but he is not ‘hateable’, and Freddie doesn’t want Sree eavesdropping. Actually, Freddie seems quite upset during this conversation, because he’s been up for eviction so much. Lisa is actually oddly sensible during the conversation, and they hug, but I wonder how long it’ll be till she bitches about him (probably with Karly or Sree) again.

Also, Charlie starts winding up Rodrigo, and accidentally calls him Ricardo, and then Rodrigo gets annoyed, and Charlie says he has a weird name, and I don’t think Rodrgiois play-acting upset. ‘It is a Brazilian name. I am not strange. This is racist.’ Everyone’s laughing, but… I hate Charlie. What a waste of space – a gossipy, Geordie fishwife. Rodrigo is sad and tells Noirin. I WANT TO CUDDLE IT BETTER. Noirinis quite matter-of-fact about it. ‘Don’t take things personally. [People  can] piss off.’ So Rodrigo and Charlie go and cuddle and kiss. I wish he’d gone to the diary room and said he thought Charlie was a racist, though, just to see what would have happened. Later, Charlie ties a towel around the bathroom door so Rod, Sophie and Siavash are locked in. Charlie pretends BB has locked them in. ‘It’s very likely that we’ll die in this room. Let’s have a threesome,’ says Siavash. They don’t, by the way, and five minutes later are let out.

And now Sree is leaving. Hoorah. ‘Fucking hell!’ cries Karly, angrily, as his name is announced. How rude. ‘We can’t get rid of you,’ laughs Noirin, which is a much better way of saying it. ‘Sree was awful and aggressive,’ says Freddie, which probably won’t do him any favours in the house. ‘I think there was malice,’ says Marcus, and Noirin says Sree was a bitch, so in some ways, that clears the air. Lisa is quite upset, though.

Anyway, now it’s the traditional booze-up after eviction. Freddie is trying it on with Charlie, which is too evil to report. Charlie accuses him of fancying Rod, and then says that he has to be drunk to flirt with him. Impolite!

Kris and Charlie have stolen booze. What a surprise. They are such shits, those two. The other HMs know, though. They drink their cans in bed. Karly goes in and laughs. Rod comes in and is cross. ‘Give me, and I don’t tell,’ he says. Haha! (Also, Marcus and Noirin are actinglike a couple. It’s a bit weird, but I’ve noticed they’ve been doing this for a little while now. Hm.) Anyway, Marcus and Siavash realise the booze has gone (despite Marcus’s hiding-place being, according to him, ’awesome’). He offers the theives a punch in the stomach as punishment, though a mocking punishment, not scary punishment. Kris agrees, to look hard, I guess, and Marcus punches him. This is brilliant. Charlie then pretends he wasn’t involved, so Charlie says Rod ahd soeof it, and Rod gets really angry, and throws things at him. This is all a bit mental. ‘Don’t talk to me! I’m not joking! How horrible you are! I saw him like a snake on the floor going to your drawer!’ Oh no. He’s one of these people who is funny when angry. This must be so frustrating for him. ‘I saw like a snake on the floor!’ he repeats outside. Anyway, then Charlie goes to the diary room and fake cries. ‘I’m really upset you know!’ he blubs. Anyway, he stays in there for OVER HALF AN HOUR. After, in the bedroom, Rodrigo goes and apologises to Charlie. Ah. It’ll all change tomorrow. Marcus wraps  Noirin in a duvet and says that everyone fancies her, including him, and she says she’s still attracted to her ex-boyfriend. OH DEAR. He assures her that he would only kiss her in the house, but, erm, it’s probably where the conversation should end. Oh, and Freddie tells Kris and Sophie that their relationship is a good gameplan. Oh, Freddie, please.Keep it to yourself (or vent it in the diary room) – but don’t tell people.

The Most Foregone Conclusion In The World?

Forget today’s Murray/Roddick semi-on, this is the real competition: Freddie Halfwit, the toff with no social skills VS Sree, the rapist stalker pervert pain in the arse from India. Based on the crowd – who cheer Freddie, not even a mix, but a proper cheer, and pantomime boo Sree (as he deserves) – it’s not even going to be close.

Incidentally, I think we’re being fair and unbiased here at BB Towers, but if you disagree, let us know and we’ll tell you to do one.

Words cannot express how much I hate Kris’ pink swimming trunks. They’re so fucking Top Shop, designed by pricks to be worn by pricks who might want to appear to be vaguely metrosexual when on a beach so that they can seduce teenagers who don’t know better. He mounts Sophie Dogface in the early seconds of the show, which is nice. Inside, ignoring this brutal frottage, the housemates do the shopping list. Sree is – surprise surcockingprise – annoying as all heck, which makes Marcus do an impression of Sree. Important: it was an impression of Sree, NOT a racist impression of Indian people. In the garden, Kris and Rodrigo and Karly spur Sree on to make a complaint about Marcus. Oh, whatever.

(Incidentally, I hate these flashmob adverts, and most of all, I hate the twunt that’s singing loudest in the Total Eclipse one. He deserves to be fucking neutered.)

Sree and Marcus argue and both tell each other to shut up. There, that wasn’t hard, was it? Apparently it was, because Channel 4 drag this out for five minutes. FIVE MINUTES. It does end with Marcus threatening Sree a bit more than might have been necessary, and Sree saying that he’ll put Marcus “in a prison, and (you) will eat the dog food for ten years.” Which is brilliant, as Sree apparently thinks that every single prison in the world is the black hole of Calcutta. Noirin then tells Sree to shut up, and everyone stays quiet. Freddie then tells Sree he went too far, and Lisa – who is, honestly, an absolute cunny of a human being – and Kris leap on him and tell him to shut up. Brilliant, thanks guys – you are going to make Freddie win this thing. It’s like they’re playing games and cheating a bit but have forgotten that we can see them cheat. Considering how aware they are of being on TV this year, it’s really very naive.

Then, Marcus gets all threateny to Big Brother. They accuse him of being a bit racist, and he tells them to “step back”. He’s right – Marcus wasn’t being racist, he was being a dickhead, and there is a difference. That’s fucking off by Big Brother. I understand that they’re covering their arses, but he’s right – if it had been Noirin, he would have done an arrogant Irish accent; if it was Karly, a drunken whorish Scottish one. It was Sree, so he did an impression of his irritatingly repetitive voice. Marcus gets very angry, but I think he’s right to – you can’t accuse somebody of being racist and expect them to not get angry if they’re not being.

(These Lucozade sponsor adverts are so dreadfully unfunny I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Kevin Bishop was behind them.)

Sree and Freddie then have a discussion about the gay gene, and how Siavash is dancing a line of ‘nearly-gay’. Siavash would sex Rodrigo if he had to, and Freddie would sex Siavash. Remember when Freddie said that he was gay? I do. Freddie then claims to be one of the most manly people he knows, and also the most feminine. I wonder how he thinks that he’s manly? Anyway, Marcus is then called into the Diary Room again, and reminded of the BB rules, chastised for his language earlier again. You can see him grit his teeth. Marcus’ slight suggestions of slight and vague threats are apparently enough to give him a proper telling off, or, as they call it, a formal warning. Any more and he’s taken out of the house. “Marcus, is there any more that you would like to say?” Big Brother asks, and Marcus nods. “Yes, you’re talking shit. Think about the words I’m saying. That is absolute bollocks.” I do think, a bit, that Marcus was being slightly threatening, but he didn’t physically touch the guy, and people are FULL of words in life with no intention of acting on it. Anyway, this is dull now, until Marcus claims that he could kill Sree with his eyebrow, and then it gets dull again. And it stays dull as people talk and talk and talk about it.

RIGHT, COME ON BIG BROTHER EDITORS, YOU AND ME, OUTSIDE, NOW, LET’S SORT OUT HOW FUCKING DULL THIS SHOW HAS BECOME!

Or not, because I was only saying.

(That Samsung advert that claims that waiting is dull but impatience is best? What they are really saying is that only twats use that phone, because every single one of the people in the “FUN!” section of the ad looks like an over-privileged and ignorant wanker that I wouldn’t be friends with if you paid. I certainly wouldn’t buy a phone that made me like them, now, would I?)

Sree then chats with Lisa and Karly about respect. AS IF THEY KNOW THE FUCKING MEANING. (Am I swearing more tonight? I don’t care.) And then Freddie calls the argument from earlier as he sees it: “It’s Sree’s massive ego attacking and defending. He doesn’t believe that Marcus was attacking him, he just wants to be right. He starts arguments by attacking people and then plays the victim. It’s awful, he’s awful!”

Freddie, ladies and gentlemen: THAT is why you should keep him in the house.

Anyway, Sree is evicted – 85% of the vote, which is a landslide – and then interviewed by Judy and Kelly Osbourne. Suddenly, Sree wasn’t the most irritating fuckhole in the room, as Kelly’s vacuous mouth spewed shit all over the audience. Incidentally, she clearly hadn’t been watching the show, as she didn’t know who Marcus was and couldn’t pronounce Noirin’s name, which just made her look ever worse. Thank God I don’t have to watch her for the next ten weeks, eh?

Well done…for nothing

The Italian task continues. (Of all tasks, seriously, what is this?) So Charlie and Kris are footballers in the garden. They are shit. Siavash does a bit of early morning voguing. He looks  so ridiculously tired. Freddie and Charlie are talking outside, and Lisa goes to sit with them for a cigarette, where she says she is not scheming against Freddie. ‘I am not bothered where you come from. My brother’s nearly a millionaire.’ She kicks off then. ‘You told people you’ve got a gameplan,’ says Karly, who has popped into the shitstorm. ‘He gonna make out he’s a victim,’ says Kris. I AM SO TIRED OF YOU FUCKS. We need some new housemates in here, pronto. This is BORING. ‘You’ve judged me wrong. Stay out of my face,’ says Lisa. I wish she’d stay out of mine.

So, seriously, when are they going to put new housemates in? Something got to change, and soon. They need a girl, I think – let’s find someone to annoy Karly, please. And for Kris to moon over so we can all see what a prick he truly is. Thanks.

Also, Sree and Sophie are failing their task miserably, because it capitalises on all that Sree is bad at: listening. ‘If we don’t win, who cares,’ says Sree, and Lisa randomly calls out ‘Well done.’ Why? He’s done nothing well for all of his life, I’d wager. But because the ice creamers know they’ve failed, they’re going to eat the ice cream. They all gannet over it, so BB plays Siavash’s music so he has to go and pose, rather than eat, and they make the footballers go out and goal celebrate.

Noirin and Marcus have a painting task, and paint their masterpieces in the task room. Marcus’ picture is actually pretty good; Noirin’s is not. Their paintings are competing with a picture painted by a six year old. Haha! Marcus gets good criticism on his. ‘I’m not sure what the intention of this one was,’ the assessor says of the child’s picture. In fact, he says it’s like a kid’s picture. Finally, he looks at Noirin’s. ‘It’s surreal, poster-like, funny.’ Hm. Anyway, Marcus wins, and Noirin comes second. Marcus is chuffed.

Idiots Sophie and Karly think that Sree won’t go tomorrow, as ‘he hasn’t done anything.’ Even if he doesn’t go tomorrow (which he will), he has done far too many irritating things to mention. Karly herself always says how Sree is like a broken record. FFS. But in the bedroom, Noirin and Marcus discuss that they want Sree to go – and with good reason. Freddie is still raking over the ashes of Karly’s strop yesterday. I am absolutely amazed at how many people seem to like Karly. She’s very spiteful, and, I’d imagine, unpleasant to live with. I’d much rather live with Noirin or Sophie. Anyway, as Karly strops off AGAIN, Sophie says to Freddie that she thinks he sits next to Lisa just to wind her up. ‘It’s like you make a point of annoying people,’ says Karly. She also pretends that Freddie didn’t tell her that her singing was slow yesterday, even though we all saw that he did tell her. Then Lisa gets her big fat oar in and repeats pretty much what Karly said. ‘He wants to drag me down!’ Lisa shouts. Charlie also gets involved, because he loves it. UGH. I am not reporting any more of this. I’ll put it this way: Freddie is annoying, but Karly is spiteful and Lisa a shit-stirrer. Charlie is a gossip. I don’t think Freddie is mean, which is something I could accuse many housemates of. Oh, and Charlie and Rodrigo have a fight, and Charlie hurts him, and he is sad. Oh, it’s like treading on a kitten. Too sad for me. Then there is some diary room guff, and then that’s it! Eviction tomorrow!

Oh No, I Can’t Believe This.

You can cut the tension with a ruddy stick. The housemates divide themselves into groups for this week’s Italian challenge, and Noirin offers to run the Big Brother Gelato Shop. Sree says he’ll join in, and Noirin – point blank – says that there are some people that she doesn’t want to work with. Other parts of the Italian challenge include Siavash as a fashionista who has to pose on a podium when BB plays Madonna’s Vogue, Kris, Charlie and Lisa as footballers, and Freddie, Karly and Rodrigo as the Three Tenors.

High comedy alert! Siavash has to wear a barrel as a costume, and falls over in the diary room, into the darkness. “It’s dark! Can someone help me?” he asks. The Big Brother voice is clearly laughing when she talks to him. It’s moderately amusing. He then has to post for 18 minutes, and when he’s done, requests that, next time it happens, housemates “wipe the sweat from my face and scratch my face all over every two minutes.” Dogface and Sree then, at their gelato station, take an order. Sree answers the phone, and gets the order wrong. What a dickslap, eh?

The housemates doing the singing task are doing okay, mainly because of Karly, who has an alright voice. Freddie is shit, but he thinks he isn’t, and Rodrigo is shocking, but I think he knows that, so that makes it okay. Their performance is a shambles, as Freddie sings over Rodrigo. Karly thinks that the music was wrong, but Freddie tells her that she sang too slowly. The noms are announced, and it’s all casual, and then Freddie goes outside and does a silent “Yes!”, presumably at Sree’s nomination! Ha ha ha! Then, Kris outright tells Freddie that he thinks he’s a “quiet annoyance”! Ha ha! This episode is full of truth-win! Freddie then says that he thinks he’s getting nominated for tactical reasons. “No, it’s because they don’t like you,” Kris tells him. Then Kris walks off because Freddie’s being patronising. It’s just a delight.

In the diary room, Sree moans about being nominated, and then says that he thinks that he’s staying this week. “200%” he says, that’s how sure he is. WE SHALL SEE, YOU RUNT. In the middle of the night, Big Brother wakes up the ice cream people with an order, and Sree can’t remember it because he’s tired and shit and useless. They WILL fail this task.

I Worried About Social Standing And Prestige.

Nom nom nom nom. Charlie’s first up, and he nominated Freddie Halfwit, because he’s too dense to move away and nominate somebody else, and Siavash, because he screams. Also, apparently, he’s a certain way with the ladies. Sree, not yet nominating, is working his way around the house, talking to women, and being a bit weird. Everybody hates him now, it seems. Marcus then stares at Noirin’s back, where she had a tattoo on the small. “I like your tattoo,” he says, and she asks him if they’re called a tramp-stamp. “Yes,” he says, but then tells her that, because she has Chinese letters, it’s not a tramp-stamp. Karly’s, which is “generic tribal,” however, is.

Halfwit nominates Sree for leaving, and seems really angry. He also nominates Lisa, because she’s a game-player and, he thinks, not a very nice person. I actually agree with him. I’m at this point where I think that Halfwit is a pillock, but a harmless pillock, and he’s actually very observant when he wants to be. (Of course, he’s also desperate for attention, but that’s life.) Sree then tells Karly that if he goes into noms and says the wrong names, it “comes to karma, know what I mean?” “No,” says Karly. It doesn’t come to Karma, and it fucks me off that he think it could. Sree, if you’re nominated – which you will be – it’s because you’re a creepy little stalker. And then, triumph of triumphs, Noirin noms Sree! “Easy or hard?” he asks when she leaves the diary room. “Hard, really hard,” she says. Sree goes into the bedroom and talks to himself. “For me also darling, it’s really hard, but we need to do this,” he says. W. T. F?

Now, a transcription of a conversation between Kris and Sophie Dogface:

Sophie: It reminds me of those things off Doctor Who – Congestors, Congettals, Philippines, Jetters, Jettis.

Kris: Jedi.

Sophie: Jedis.

Kris: How do you say Philippines and Jedis, and get them muddled up?

Sophie: I was getting there, the P. Philippines, Jettines.

Kris: Philippines is with an F.

Sophie: Is it?

Kris: Yeah.

Sophie: Oh.

Big Bother: Great, fuck off and marry each other, and breed a little army of big titted idiots.

Anyway, back to normal service. Noirin moans about people doing things for her, because Marcus wants to do things for her. “You do realise how beautiful you are, don’t you?” he asks, and then asks how many people stop cars to let ugly women cross the road. Noirin then moans some more about being beautiful, and wanting to use her personality more. Must be hard, being pretty, eh? Sree then nominates Marcus (whatever, predictable) and – he apologises! – NOIRIN! Remember how much he loved her a week ago? Wow.

Then, Charlie and Kris go into the diary room, and exchange a token for booze. They then ask for ALL the alcohol that evening, and won’t drink anything for the next few times. Nobody seems angry that they swapped the token without asking permission, at least not to their faces. Then Charlie and Kris jump across the pool, from side to side, not falling in the water, and Noirin tells Sree to do it. She wants him to fall in, but he doesn’t. Anyway, people then quietly moan about the token, and blah blah blah. Sree then makes a bet that he can run an arbitrary distance in a race against Siavash and he doesn’t, so he loses his rights to beer next time around, and then LOSES HIS RAG. He runs to Lisa to proclaim cheating, starts trying to call shenanigans etc. So then it’s double or nothing, and Sree drags the whole house out to watch them run. Sree then claims that double or nothing counts for nothing, and grins and is a bit weird. “I want my four cans,” Siavash says. “You worried about 4 into £1.50 cans, I worried about social standing and prestige. You have nothing, thankyou, goodnight,” Sree then says. (What a cock.)

Anyway, Freddie and Sree are up for eviction, so Friday will SURELY be the last we see of the neediest man in the UK.

Extreme? Pah.

Look, I’m not really interested in Kris and Sophie’s fromance (fake romance. See what I did there?) The focus of yesterday’s show was all about it, and today starts with Noirin and Charlie, chatting about them in the kitchen, then an odious conversation between Dogface and Kris about their ‘relationship’. Then the housemates bitch outside about Sree, which is good, as a) it may unite them in voting for him tomorrow, and b) he is hateful. Then Halfwit tells us he has slept with more men than women (about 10 women, and, according to him, about 30-40 men). ‘That’s a lot of cock, man,’ Siavash notes. Gotta love him, right?

Housemates are now competing in an extreme school sports day, and the winning team will receive hot water tokens and a school disco. They are divided into teams. Marcus is the referee. Marcus must predict the winning team in the diary room if he wants to attend the disco. He picks Noirin’s. (This is not a surprise – she is already being a bossy boots and making everyone practise in the kitchen.) One of the best tasks is to do a sack race in a sack of stinging nettles. Hehe. I can’t help laughing at their discomfort – and the fact that it’s Charlie and Karly competing is even funnier. The egg and spoon race os with the Chinese delicacy of 1000 year old eggs, which must be eaten. I actually want to cry. This is not funny. Rodrigo just doesn’t have the knack for it, and lags behind. The eggs are black, and Rodrigo throws up. Then Kris does too. Bleugh. How close is this getting to I’m a Celebrity now? Freddie and Lisa have to roll on beds of nails. Then they do a relay, using a cactus as a baton. Siavash slips and his shoe flies off. That’s funnier than running around with a cactus. Noirin’s team do win, which is lucky, as it means that Marcus can attend. ‘I just reasoned that any team with Sree in would lose.’

But Sree is a bad loser. Everyone asks him if he’s OK, and he blanches and says yes, and fake laughs. He tries to blame Marcus for his bad mood, because of his earlier comment. I’m sure you know how I feel about this situation. He demands that Noirin not talk to Marcus. THIS AGAIN.

Anyway, the disco begins as the losers lean against the sitting room window and whine, crying over the doughnuts and sweeties the others have. It is proper school disco music, too. ‘I wanthasweeties, I wanadoughnut,’ screams Karly. Karly and Kris moan in the diary room. To be fair, they are stuck with Sree and Halfwit, and even Siavash is quiet. As a weird joke, they decide to tell the others that BB has said it’ll give them booze for all their hot water tokens. Freddie get irate (as they’re all the tokens the have for the week). Freddie is finally told it’s a joke. ‘Don’t wind me up. It brings out the side of me that people don’t like,’ Freddie states, reasonably. So they make caramel instead. Then Freddie and Kris have an argument about the washing up. Kris says he has ‘lots of little issues’ with Freddie, and says he’s annoying him. And he says that he wasn’t thankful enough for the caramel Kris made. Er, alright then.

Then Sophie farts. Great.

If It Smells Like Shit…

Morning has broken! And there’s an very minor, jokey argument about cereal, because there’s not enough for everyone, and Kris should have taken a bowl to Sophie. Charlie eats like a child. Another reason to dislike him. Everyone looks tired/hungover. There’s no toilet roll, either, and Sophie reveals that last night she used the cardboard bit of the last toilet roll to mop her chuff with. Nice.

Are Karly and Sophie teaching Sree to swim in the pool? Or is he just pretending, so he can be close to their boobies? Probably is the answer. Later, as Sophie swims under him, he grabs her tit. I mean, I know they’re hard to miss, but god. Freddie thinks that no one in the house is stereotypical. Er… Has he seen BB before? I’ve realised that recent BBs feature endless chats about the BB process, votes and who will win. Do you know what, housemates? It’s boring. It’s like a child describing its need to go to the toilet, but not actually going to the toilet. They need to just get on with it, not analyse it – particularly as they are mostly either too stupid to analyse it, or don’t have the tools to do so (I mean, thinking that Freddie is liked because he survived an eviction is misleading. They don’t know what we think, right?). But Freddie is right (I think) in stating to the diary room that if he were up for eviction against Sree, he’d win.

Freddie paints faces in clubs for drinks. This is no word of a lie.

Something’s brewing between Sophie and Kris. Apparently, he has been quiet all day, and she is worried something is wrong. Is their fake romance coming to an end? Sree has also now been branded the biggest bitch in the house. Haha! Sophie accuses him of loving Noirin. ‘I DO NOT FANCY YOU,’ she tells him. Still, we know the message didn’t quite get through, don’t we? The HMs have exchanged a hot water token for music and booze. (They did this last night, too, I believe. They must stink.) Whie everyone else is dancing, Sree accosts Noirin again in the bathroom, saying he appreciates her friendship. ‘You are the biggest cause of arguments in the house,’ she replies. Haha. The other HMs go and listen at the door. Noirin looks tired in many ways: actually tired, tired of it all, and tired of Sree. I actually feel a bit sorry for her, even though I don’t really like her. She goes to bed. Freddie is outside, telling Siavash what he thinks of Kris and Sophie’s ‘romance’  – fake. Siasvash is clear. ‘[The tabloids] are how they’re going to make their money.’ Yeah, I like Siavash. When he first strutted in, I couldn’t help thinking ‘What a twat.’ But he knows what this is all about, and that, in my eyes, makes him an appealing HM.

Before bed, Rodrigo gives Sophie some advice about Kris. She seems to have spoken to everyone about it apart from Kris, now. Good idea, eh? In the bedroom, Sree sits on Noirin’s bed and puts his arm around her. ‘I think sometimes people take advantage of you,’ she says, misreading things entirely. Outside, Siavash and Marcus think that everyone fancying Noirin has gone to her head. ‘That’s what she thrives on,’ says Marcus. Back in the bedroom, Kris and Charlie discuss Dogface. He seems to think he’ll ‘end up doing something with other birds’ so wants to keep away from her. Can you smell the shit where you are, too?

Later, Kris, Karly, Sree and Charlie get up and eat chips. Despite Sophie telling Karly her worries earlier in the day, she encourages Kris to do something about the situation, and, from what it sounds like, she implies he should call it a day. Nice friend.