Well, they’re in.

Last night, Big Brother 9 kicked off in style, or whatever approximation of style Big Brother can actually have.  There’s 16 contestants, and they went into the house (nearly) one by one over one of the most gruelling 90-minute periods of my life.  I’ll run down some more about them, shall I?

First of all, MICHAEL – or Mikey, as he kept telling everyone – is blind.  This is Big Brother’s first SOCIAL EXPERIMENT this year. He’s also oddly aggressive, and seems to think that he’s a comedian. Davina shouted a number of times that he likes to wear women’s clothes, which must make him some sort of performance artist, surely?  

RACHEL.  She’s proud of being a curvy girl, which is why she felt the need to drop down from a size 16 to a size 8. Also, in a recurring theme, she is a Christian. There was quite a lot of bleating about religion this year. I can only assume that will come into play. (Interestingly, did you hear that, when they led Mikey in, the workers refer to BB as “the voice of God”?  Interesting, eh?) Rachel is a teacher. Big Brother is a wise career move.

DALE.  ”If there’s any fanny in here, I’m going to nail it.” Dale is a ‘legend’, I would imagine, the sort of man for whom rape is just a method for overcoming frigidity.  

So let’s discuss the “Fanny”, shall we? STEPHANIE, the worst example of a supposedly attractive woman that I have ever seen. She rates herself as 10 for beauty, 10 for intelligence, managed to wander off when she got out of the van, stood on the steps looking like she was charging by the minute and then entered the house, all the while smacking her lips against her enormous teeth. She is being set up as Dale’s foil, and I love that, she she’ll no doubt bite his penis off in the throes.

DARNELL. Darnell, Darnell.  Nobody could understand his name. “Hi, I’m Darnell.”  ”Daniel?”  ”Darnell.” “Dunnell?”  ”Darnell.” Etc.  Also, he’s black. But he looks white, because he’s an Albino. But he IS black. This is important. It must be, as he found a way to tell one of the black girls in the house that he was within twenty seconds of being in there. This is Big Brother Social Experiment Number 2.  

ALEXANDRA. I’m struggling to tell you anything interesting about her. She things she’s great. Other than that, I can only assume that they secretly slipped her into the house when I wasn’t looking, and she’s had some sort of lobotomy to prevent her developing a personality.

LUKE is a student who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke. What do you do, Luke? Judge people, I would assume, and talk in that voice. You know the one. Luke is a comedy creation of popular comedian Steve Coogan, which will be revealed in week 5 when he whips a suit off to discover that his skin has been painted with lapels.  

REBECCA stated that she goes out with men then does something to scare them off. I can only assume that she either a) speaks, or b) moves. She’s a nursery nurse, and actually seems quite harmless, if a little bit excitable.  

LISA and MARIO are a couple. Mario is the sort of man who introduces his girlfriend for them, so that they only have to stand there. Lisa had a boob job because she has dreadfully low self-esteem, and was worried that Mario would leave her. Mario wishes that Lisa would stop worrying about her looks, but wishes that she would lose some weight. He calls her The Horse because of the size of her bottom. Lisa is Josie Lawrence, but stripped of all personality and given some dumbbells to strap to her chest. They have to pretend to not be a couple, and Mario has to pretend to be dating Stephanie, the vacuous blond twunt, thought they all seem quite uncomfortable about this.  

JENNIFER is a model, apparently, though for what and where I couldn’t tell you. She’s also a mother, and says that she never gets to spend any time with her daughter, boo hoo, how sad. You know what she should do to maximise her mother-daughter time? Spend 93 days in a house in London that she’s can’t leave over her daughter’s summer holidays.  

SYLVIA was booed horrifically when she entered the house. This might be because she was a tiny bit arrogant, or it might be because she is a refugee (from Sierra Leone). The crowd might be Britain’s Greatest Social Barometer this year. Or they will just boo pretty people and cheer the gays like always.  

Speaking of which, DENNIS. I don’t know what to do with Dennis. I feel like I want to disinfect his entire body and then just hold him so that he can cry for a while, and try to pick up the shattered pieces of his life. He wears flamboyant clothes, dances, is Scottish, and just wants the approval of his father. Don’t we all, Dennis?

MO.  MOHAMMED. “What’s your name?” “Mo.  Mohammed.” Over and over he said both names, ashamed of one, or possibly coerced by BB to use his full one. Why? Because the fact that he shares a name with a prophet is the second most interesting thing about him, after his hair.  Other interesting things?  Nothing. Not a single thing. Maybe he has hidden depths?

REX! Casual sex Rex. He’s posh, he’s from West London – so am I, we don’t all speak like that – and he’s an executive chef because he got kicked out of 9 schools for, I would imagine, being a prick. He wears bling. I expect him to attach himself to the women like a big soggy limpet.  

And last, but by no means least, KATHREYA, or Kat, as she likes to be called. Kat is from Thailand. She is an enormous gurgling baby, a nappy-wearing, cookie-munching, vaginal-ping-pong-awareness-having baby who stumbled up the stairs, stumbled down them, fell against doors and just wobbled around like some sort of puppetmaster-led dough creation. She is a wonder, and will win Big Brother 9, unless she does something awful like shit herself in the kitchen.  

So that’s your lot.  Some of them are abhorrent, some of them seem okay.  More to follow.