Bag it Up

Luke’s 21st birthday! Pfft. Do you know what that sound was? It was the sound of me not caring. Sara and Bex are struggling on the bike. Bex cannot do more than10 minutes. Luke cooks Darnell an egg – the first thing Luke has ever cooked, apparently – and according to Darnell it is the best egg he has ever had. That must be why he rushed to the bathroom to clean his teeth after eating it, then. And is that Mo snaffling the crusted white that Darnell didn’t eat? Bex slimes around on the carpet like a slug, and makes sex noises. Belinda is dizzy. HO HO HO, nothing new there! Mikey couldn’t even get on the bike when he attempted the task. Lisa, however, is a “gladiator” on the bike, according to Stuart. Used to having Mario between her legs, I think.

Rex seems unhappy with heaven. The bathroom is smelly, says Kat, and the B Block beds are painful. Luke immediately runs to tell Lisa that Rex has said that B Block is smelly and messy. “I hope the public makes the right decision this week,” says Luke, and remember what I told you blah blah blah. Dale is doing his wine task, and repeating the word “bouquet”. Mo is also failing to identify the wines. He mumbles the word “chateaux”. Luke tells Mikey he is having the worst birthday. However, he thinks Big Brother will do something nice for him. HA. I very much doubt it. According to Luke, Mo asked for a teabag out of the bin as they have run out. Did anyone see or hear this, or is this just one of Luke’s embellished tales?

Darnell mistakenly thinks the hell housemates are happy. Rex is having a strop in the bathroom, throwing a bottle about and pretending to sleep. Kat looks perturbed. “I’m scare he gonna go,” she says. He’s certainly not doing himself any favours. “Give us something to do!” he says. “There’s boring, and there’s fucking boring,” he says. There is a smatter of oddly sycophantic laughing. Oddness. However, in the task room, hell housemates are about to complete the cycling task. The heaven housemates cheer Mikey on as he gurns on the bike. Mikey covers his ears as he cycles, and I don’t know why. TELL ME. They all scream as he pedals away. Bex suddenly has enough energy to do a hateful dance.

Finally, Rex and Kat have to do a food test. They have to eat a big baguette in 30 minutes. OH YES, FIRST GIRLS WRITHING ON BIKES AND NOW A MASSIVE BAGUETTE. I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Yum, it is full of cheese and stuff though. Woo. Bex again looks punchable/ready to punch someone. “Smash it with yer ands,” syas Lisa, to help Kat on her bready way. “I sued to get those after the nightclub, with 20 hotdog sausages,” she says, and no, she’s not talking about Mario. Rex is a true muncher. Kat is not doing well. Rex may be sick. Ugh. Brilliant, thanks. Poor Kat IS sick. They don’t finish the task. Poor Kat feels bad about it. “What you’re missing out on is that you tried,” says Rachel. “There you were, buffing up.” BUFFING UP? I’ve never heard that one before. Now Big Brother reads out their results. Rachel and Maysoon’s mime passes. Kat and Rex fail. The cycling task passes. Mo and Dale fail the wine task. So it was a fail overall. CHICKPEAS FOR ALL. The hell housemates are really irate. They are blaming Mo and Dale for the fail. “Incompetence, is that,” says Fred Elliott Luke.

But now they are baking Luke a birthday cake. Darnell is going mad because he wants Sara to cook him some rice. However, when cooked, he won’t eat it. I don’t think Sara is upset, but it’s all confusing. Oh well. More votes for him on Monday. The cake is made and is unsubtly pink and yellow. How camp. Darnell, Bex and Dale celebrate with Luke in the ‘wine cellar’. Mikey is stirring because he doesn’t think Dale gets on with Luke. The party sing to Take That. Bex, of course, knows all the words. Bex and Luke clean their teeth outside in the hell sinks. “You look thirty,” says Luke to Bex. Or did I mishear? Did he say “You look dirty?”