Eggbound Means You Cannot Poo.

Davina looks like a WWE wrestler in that outfit, that big gold belt just begging for a plate with her name on it. I wonder what her ‘finisher’ would be? Probably something related to hair dye, or streetmate. 

Anyway, to the matter at hand: Big Brother. In the background of the live show there is an enormous sigh that reads TOILET next to a huge video screen of Belinda. Hm. Oh! TOILET is actually a video clip of what they can show of Rex. As he is in the toilet. Doing a poo. Day 43 actually began with a ridiculously untidy room in Hell, and Kat and Rachel in the Heaven bedroom singing a lovely song called Pinky Girl (which Kat ends with a cry of, yes, Cookie Power). During a discussion of the shopping list, Mikey suggests that he will eat Corn Flakes with water instead of milk. Also, he doesn’t eat eggs. Imagine not eating eggs or milk! Ridiculous. It is decided, therefore, that everyone in the house will get a pack of eggs each, apart from Mikey who will get chocolate and cereal.

Big Brother then gives the housemates packed lunches for the day. They are full of delights. Rachel swaps a Penguin and some crisps for somebody’s apple. There is something deeply wrong with her. Mikey offers his milk to anyone who wants it. Nobody does. “Oh! A Kraft cheese slice!” yells happy Stuart. Simple pleasures, eh? Rex has a long black hair on his back. Kat finds it hirarious. She would. “GET BEX OUT!” shout the chant, alongside chants of “GET LUKE OUT!” It makes it sound a bit odd. “There’s nobody called Lex in the house!” the fairweather watcher might say. Darnell, for 1 week, orders 150 eggs. I am not joking. 150 eggs. FOR ONE WEEK.  They would be horrendously eggbound. Also, who buys eggs that cost £1.50 for 15? Value eggs are the worst kind. I’ll bet they come from chickens that look like this:

THAT LOOKS LIKE LUKE! Ha!

Anyway, maybe you can tell that I am bored by a) some rubbish throwing-stuff fight and b) Stuart moaning about wanting to go. At Big Bother Towers earlier we had a chat about how people don’t really want to leave. If they did, they would. They aren’t in prison, and they have absolute free will. You want to leave? Great. Do. Stop whining about it. 

Darnell comes out of the diary room and tells everyone that he made a mistake with the shopping order. He makes everyone run through every possible item on the list to guess what he forget. “It was the potatoes!” he says. Potatoes? The one thing you could eat every meal and be fine? What a plonker. They could eat a jacket potato every night with beans, or cheese, or tuna, or salad, or whatever, and that would be awesome. Mikey gets told he can’t order any chocolate (“It costs £3.50 a bar!” Darnell says, clearly ordering Ferrero Rocher rather than Dairy Milk) and Darnell didn’t order the right flour for cakes. Luke moans that Darnell ordered nothing he can eat. “I’ll be five stone next week,” he yells, “I am going to faint!” Promises promises, Luke. 

(Btw, what’s the weight that people die at? Isn’t it 4st6lbs? Hurry up, Luke.)

Lisa does gardening, and says the word “whopping” far too much. The gang sings Old MacDonald. Darnell sings an adaptation of the song, adapting the verse about Old MacDonald’s Manatee to become “Old Macdonald had a Bex, EIEIO, With her boobs out here and her boobs out there.” I’m amazed she didn’t take offence.

Davina’s hair is stupid. Remember when Cameron Diaz put semen on her hair in that film? That’s Davina. No wonder she isn’t pregnant this series. 

Anyway. There’s another conversation about the shopping list, and it’s become apparent that Darnell only ordered Eggs, Plain Flour, Custard Creams, Tuna and Bread. Stuart tells Luke that he looks like “Betty… Spencer… Frank Spencer.”  I don’t hate Stuart, I really don’t, but I do think he is astonishingly dense. It’s almost terrifying. Oh, and some Oil. Darnell ordered some Oil. Well done. They count the biscuits out. This is absolutely riveting. No, really, it is. Suggestion for a spin-off: Biscuit Counting with Stuart. BB gives the gang a box of fruit and veg as a special prize. Rex asks if anyone knows what an artichoke is. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he is so patronising, or the fact that nobody does. Dale gets huffy about this question, but doesn’t know the answer. OH WELL. Bex says that if her bra gets too big for her, and she loses weight, she will sue Big Brother. Uh, okay. Sure. 

Stuart goes to jail for asking to be nominated. Hell people get hot water and a ‘Send a Heavenly Housemate to Jail Card’. Belinda has to choose someone. Mikey has some plastic tits on his head. Darnell is sent to luxury jail with a blanket and some pillows. He goes into the jail, and I really pray that it’s a lift and will descend into an amazing new world we’ve never seen. It doesn’t. We have a cut to HOURS LATER, and suddenly Sara and Lisa are wearing S&M outfits made out of bin bags. I AM NOT JOKING. Lisa sings Big Spender and gets sprayed with a water pistol by Kat, and acts like she is a) loving it and b) it is a lovely gift from Mario. You know. A gift.

An hour later, and Rex is doing some pretty good beat boxing. UGH UGH UGH! Bex is wearing a Bin Bag now. Sara sits on the Diary Room chair in between Bex and Lisa. She looks like a little girl between them. She looks bored and tired and upset and broken. Lisa looks like usual. Bex looks like Bonnie Tyler with a pie and crack addiction. Lisa has a man’s arms/shoulder. Bex has a man’s legs. Sara might have a cock. Who knows? Another hour later, and Darnell is out of prison. There’s a conversation about age, and everyone declares Maysoon’s 28 years as being “proper old”. I’M GLAD I’M NOT THAT OLD HA HA ROFL. 

Touching moment: Stuart goes to the diary room and cries about how much he misses his daughter, and how he wants to see her. No cynicism from me: It’s genuinely quite sweet. On an utterly unrelated note, the amount of women who are flicking their beans at him RIGHT NOW is insane. Cut to: the bedroom in Hell, where Bex drags her arse over to Luke’s bed and lies it on top of him. It’s lovely. “You’re insufferably,” he says. Yeah. Right.

So, time for the evictee to be announced. And it is…

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BELINDA! Goodbye Hoggle: we barely knew you.

(Oh yeah: And screw you, BB scriptwriters! We had “So good she named herself thrice” days ago. MONIES TO US NOW PLEASE.)