Bacon and Ugh

The day0 starts with a surly lady Big Brother asking all the housemates to assemble. Darnell is asked, as Head of House, to choose who should have bacon and egg sandwiches. After yabbering from the other housemates, Darnell chooses hell housemates to have them. However, he feels his vote was swayed. Uh. Darnell should keep schtum. I understand why he’s upset: the others’ wittering made it look like he wouldn’t have chosen hell. And he probably would have. But ugh – this just gives more nomination ammunition. (Yesterday, at Belinda’s eviction, she was asked who she wanted to win. “Dale,” she said, as some of the crowd called for Darnell. It was odd.)

But tonight’s episode is from yesterday, before Belinda left. “If I stay, it’ll make me a very powerful housemate,” says Rex. Darnell is obviously having a bath. “There something wrong with you,” says Kat. “You don’t sing in the bath.” Mikey moans in the Diary Room about Darnell. If I have to listen to his uber loud monotone of mulch for the next week, I’ll scream and scream until I’m sick. He’s a whiney old woman. “The budget was a disaster,” says Mikey. It was not: it was only £17 over budget, but in previous weeks it was more than £100 over, and the housemates didn’t get any treats. Mikey sneezes like a French horn.

Sara is singing in ashtray. It’s awful – more than. Rex knows Sara’s surname. HOW EXCITING. Lisa and Mikey think the heaven housemates aren’t happy. I see. Lisa says Darnell was made head of house to give him a chance, as they all knew Luke could have done it. Now the sex fetish/industrial cleaner outfits are back so the hell housemates can clean the house. Mikey tickles everyone with dusters instead. Darnell would go for head of house again. Luke does not like this. They discuss possible winners of Big Brother 9. Bex swamps Luke with her flabby fatsacs, and he likes it. “It was a cheap Friday afteroon thrill,” says Luke. UGH, NOT FOR US, IT WASN’T. “If you could have sex with some in here, who would you chose?” Luke asks her, desperate to hear his name. “I’d have a bit of Mohammed,” she jokes. Apparently, Rex has a big nob. Luke likes Maysoon and Sara, according to Bex. “Why do you think you’d be out? I want to lose my virginity to you,” Luke says, and lights some candles and plays my heart will go on on his IPod speakers. OK, I made those last bits up.

Mikey has got his bony old leg stuck in the heaven/hell fence. You got it in, as the saying goes. Dale has to help him as Rachel shouts encouragingly. Maysoon says Darnell should be proud of having grown up in three different countries. “Yeah, but you’re all English though,” says Darnell. “I’M SCOTTISH,” shouts Mikey. “RACHEL’S WELSH.” Apparently, neither Darnell nor Maysoon hear him. But Darnell is fed up, and marching about. It’s quite funny, but he does seem quite incensed. “I hate people saying they don’t want be here… But I win. I WIN!” he says.

And now we are nearly back to 24 hours ago. Belinda has gone. Darnell is being paranoid. “I’ve pissed off everybody.” “It looks like the whole of hell isn’t strong enough to get me out of here,” says Rex. “I want you to tell me you wanna stay here,” says Darnell to Rex. “I want to see my girlfriend,” says Rex. “If I stay in, I want to win,” says Rex. Rex is getting annoyed that no one has understood that he wants to go. “This whole show is punishment,” says Rex. “Think of the tasks you’ve done, the friends you’ve made,” says Rachel. “My journey was over two weeks ago,” he replies. Lisa and Luke think Darnell may have to vote for the new head of house. So, is this going to be a long-running thing then? That may be a good idea. “I find you so unintelligent, I don’t understand,” Luke says to Bex.

Darnell is given alcohol for the housemates. “Is it just for the heavenly side?” asks Mikey. “Yeah,” says Darnell. But it’s a lie! Haha. Bex is cross. “She’s gonna go mad!” laughs Lisa. But then Darnell reveals his deceit! HAHAHA. Sara is playing with the toggles on Darnell’s hoodie. “I’ve had a week of hell,” she says. In the bedroom, Luke, Bex, Mikey and Lisa talk about fakeness again. “She knows what she’s doing. She’s a clever woman,” they snide. Good. Now they are asleep. (BTW, readers, it’s not that I don’t report on these things to be subjective and only show one side of things – it’s because it’s all been said before.)

In the other bedroom, Kat, Mo, Rachel, Dale and Darnell are talking. “You’re telling people to f-off! Sort yourself out,” says Rachel. “The power has corrupted.” Kat says something about not telling people to f-off because “that why they hate you.” “You’re becoming the weakest link,” says Mo. Dale, Rex and Stu have ’secretly’ cooked a pizza. Well. Stu hides it in a basket. Dale covers it with the Big Brother manual (you know – the white laminated one they always read when bored/thinking of leaving.) The scoff but Kat finds out. “That very naughty,” says Kat. “Who is your final five?” Dale asks Rachel. “I don’t agree with saying it,” says Rachel. “You are the boringest housemate,” says Rex. “Are you happy to be average?” Rex asks her. This is like some personal awareness seminar. Ugh.