I’m a lady!

I’ve become more and more convinced that Bex is actually being played by Matt Lucas. Bear with me, because here comes the evidence.

a) She makes a really shit woman.

As you can see, that’s pretty definitive. Today’s BB was marked almost wholly by Darnell going insane and, I swear, nearly popping a cap in Rachel’s ass. Has anyone seen his react this way before? We’ve heard rumours, of him smashing a cup in a sink, getting really angry behind closed doors, but they were just rumours, right? The whispered, manic cries of evictees, right? Well, maybe not. Because that was, as Goldie Feat. Noel Gallagher once sang, Temper Temper. Darnell is mildly delusional as well, as he seems to think he might not end up in Hell next week. OKAY.

Anyway, Darnell lost his Head Of House status, which seemed to upset him, but life moves on, and BB invented a genius task to find a new one: staying on a swinging tyre for a bit. 7 people wanted to do the task, and one of them – due to Lisa being temporarily insane – ended up being Bex. Doing a physical task. That requires endurance. And willpower. THEY WERE SHOCKED WHEN SHE FAILED AFTER FOUR MINUTES. “She’s never doing a task again,” MIkey decreed. Well, duh. Maysoon and Dale were the other two, and they ‘hung on in there’ admirably (THANKS, I’M HERE ALL WEEK!) and Mo Mohammed went insane and greedy and ate the forbidden (banana) fruit, and then persuaded Kat to eat one. How many calories do Bananas have? I’ll bet it’s a lot. Mo Mohammed eats them constantly for what I estimate must be well over 48 hours. He also persuades Kat to eat some. Due to this eating, which was rule-breaking, Mo Mohammed and Kat are Hellish housemates. Katreya is like a scolded Shih-tzu when she’s told to stop eating them. 

Luke doesn’t want to be separated from Bex. Oh, whatever. Bex offers her eggs to Stuart to find out if he would put her in heaven or hell. She means cluck-cluck eggs: I pray he interprets it as ovaries, and harvests her on the lawn using crude and brutal tools. Sigh. He takes it as cluck-clucks. Idiot. Sara is desperate to get into heaven. She offers Dale “massage,” and then says, “I’ll have a party, I’ll stay up late. I’ll do it.” Where I come from, that’s an offer of sexual movements. Sara seems nice – I do like her – but she’s a bit of a slutflirt, and she clearly would, for things that help her out. Stuart talks to BB about how he thought he would fall in love in BB, and how he is disappointed that it hasn’t happened. Stuart, I like you more as time goes on, and I’m glad you didn’t meet someone. You are one of the few people who have realised what an idiotic thing going onto BB was for you, and if you had found a partner I would bet they wouldn’t have felt the same way. 

NOW WAIT! What’s this? Kat and Mo Mohammed have been told to pack their suitcases. If these two are up for eviction, Mo Mohammed is leaving. No question. Kat and Rachel are in floods of tears at this news. It’s mad. “It’ll just be a mind game,” says Stuart. “Do you know how livid people will be if they get rid of Kat?” Rex says. At least they are aware of how popular she is. 

Jesus! How much time has passed? It’s like BB has just remembered that Dale and Maysoon are still on the tyres. How long has it been? It’s dark outside. They must be shattered. Some people kick a banana around for Darnell to eat. Oh, whatever. Darnell’s banana eating causes Maysoon to step off the tyre and… Oh, an Ad break. Hang on. Hang on. Wait a minute.

DALE WINS! Shocker. He gets to choose his heavenly housemates. Darnell, Kat and Mo Mohammed are all guaranteed in Hell, so it’s not as fun as it could be. I should imagine Dale will send Rex to join them, and possibly Rachel – she’ll throw herself on the coals, won’t she? – so that really does make it a straight swap, pretty much. 3AM arrives, and brings Mo Mohammed and Kat sitting alone in the bathroom together. Hold on, readers: this could be the start of something beautiful. They chat about Darnell’s temporary insanity. “I don’t want to lose friend,” Kat says. She goes over to hug Mo Mohammed, as he is crying. ZOMG REAL EMOTIONS!

One bonus in this episode: Bex, in her gorilla outfit, picking a hair from her big fat mouth, looked just like a gorilla. Or a gorilla being played by Matt Lucas.