Truth or Bleugh

You know what really is a portent of doom? When the continuity voice says something about Bex and Luke being “up close and personal”, then giving a warning about nudity. UGH.

So Dale is now head of house. This can only (and will) end badly. Darnell is angry in the bath. Kat, Mo and Darnell are excluded from hell because of their banana antics. Dale picks Stuart, Maysoon (again? What the hell is she doing to them? I haven’t seen anything, but I wonder if it’s anything to do with nocturnal emissions?), Luke, Rex and Bex to live in heaven with him. I am devastated by this choice. Why pander to her whiney nature? I am glad Mikey is still in hell though. Ha. Lisa seems exhausted, and perhaps a bit annoyed that she wasn’t picked. However, she goes off to brush a manky length of hair (where is this from? Whose is it?) and seems happier. Luke and Bex bicker over custard creams. SEXY BANTER. Then the housemates change over sides. “I can feel the halo,” says Luke.

Mi is being weird and having a go at Mikey because apparently, Mikey doesn’t like Mo and has been “talking behind his back.” Hm. I don’t think Mikey does like him, but I don’t think he’s ever said anything bad about him. It’s odd. Who has been stirring, and why? (Well, there’s obvious reasons why, but remember all these housemates think illogically.) Luke is all smug and horrid because he’s now in heaven. Ugh. Kat is wearing some kind of delightful bridesmaid’s top in fuchsia, and satin pink hareem pants. That is very cheery. Darnell is in a bad mood though, and this is not good. He thinks he made the wrong decisions as HoH. Perhaps he did, but really, he should get over it. “Can we wash your arse for you? Can we lick your balls for you?” he asks Big Brother, who, upsettingly, is the lady one. (He’s not using the royal ‘we’, by the way: he was pretending to talk like the other housemates.) “I’m the shit,” he snorts. Oddity.

Now Darnell is telling Mikey that Dale is trying to prove a point by being HoH. So far, so playground. “It’s all about Dale, dude,” he says. “He acts like he’s the victim.” Yeah. It’s true – Dale has done nothing but look at everyone with dead raping shark eye for the last few weeks. “People stereotype us wrong. Suck my d**k,” says Darnell, whilst stereotyping hirariously. “We’ve all been picked from different bushes,” he says. Do you know, I think he might have lost it this week.

Mo has found a toothbrush. He was going to clean the floor with it, but it’s Bex’s! Hahaha. Oh no. Now Dale is getting irate, because Bex thought for a second that he had cleaned with it. I have no idea why Dale incited this for nothing. Now everyone is getting very annoyed. Oh, brilliant. They have some kind of staring contest. Ugh. Today seriously is very strange. Dale goes to the diary room to moan, when we all saw it was his fault. “There are people in here who think they’re rock solid. They think they’re Rocky,” says Dale, unaware of how jokes work. Then he goes on about “talking with your d**k out” again. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, RAPE EYE. When Dale talks, all you can hear is something flapping about in the wind. Is that what he means? Dale will not speak to Mo anymore. Fine! See if we care!

Hell housemates witter about food – particularly bananas: is there some kind of weird fetish developing? – and heaven housemates talk about the races and Rex. “He must be pretty minted, like,” says Dale to silence. Hell housemates then have a sack race in binbags. Hoorah.

Heaven housemates then have a party, which is basically the same party as last week, with food and MP3s. Bex is thrilled and gorges straight away. Huh. This is well boring. “I just wanna cookie,” says “Thai Cookie Monster” Kat. “Big Brother is trying to kill us,” says Lisa. Then the heaven housemates go to the diary room and say crap things and I won’t report it because I can’t be bothered. Bex goes outside and does a horrible dance in a dangerous rara skirt. In hell, they make cookies. Darnell makes vague comments to Luke about the public not liking him/Mo. It was a passing remark, but heaven take it very seriously.

As Kat and Mo have had their suitcases and clothes, Big Brother gives Kat some big Y fronts as she has no undies. Kat is unhappy but laughing. What a trooper. Kat then goes back to the diary room in a hirarious outfit, called Cookie Power. “I feel like Granny,” she says. “This is not a clothes shop,” says Big Brother. OH NO. IT BEGINS. Bex is in the pool with her pusticles hanging out. Then there is the inevitable Truth or Dare. “I’ll lick your bum,” she says to Luke. Then she licks his armpit instead. Bex then runs around the garden naked. Well, she keeps her pants on. “It’s a horror show,” says Stu. Coventry must be proud. Lisa is sad in her doily in the diary room, because she wants to be in heaven. Darnell clearly has gone mad, as he thinks Cookie Love is already a hit. In the bedroom, Dale puts water on Bex. “She’s wet the bed again,” says Luke. If only she’d drowned.