The Time Has Come, The Walrus Said.
“For this week’s shopping task, housemates will have to unravel the mysteries of time.” So we are told by Geordie Marcus, and so it goes. Dale gets told this in the Diary Room and looks utterly befuddled, as if the very concept of time itself leaves him mentally wanting. (I should imagine the very concept of Breathing nearly leaves him exhausted, but that’s another challenge surely.) Dale picks people to do the challenges. One challenge is to make a watch. Rex wants to do it because, apparently, “it has cogs”. “Rex owns a watch factory,” Luke says, being funny for the first time in weeks. Dale has to read the word “bereft” and it just makes him sound stupid.
Big Brother has created a superb task involving an alarm and making people run to a task room to turn off an alarm that might randomly ring. In the room are a stupid amount of clocks. I thought it was a good challenge. Perhaps my standards of BB have dramatically lowered recently? Dale discusses the assignment of roles with Luke and Bex, and Luke repeats his “clock factory” joke to considerably less acclaim.
Oh! Another part of the task, and the housemates have to count to an hour in their heads. Brilliant. And it makes for absolutely thrilling TV, I should point out. NO IT DOESN’T: It’s just some people standing around in absolute silence. Dead Air is a crime, Big Brother. Wait. Kat over-counts by three minutes. Rachel, the English teacher, says that they cannot “individualise people out.” Another alarm rings, and it’s marginally amusing, but really, this joke is worn thin already.
ALRIGHTY! The nominees are announced. Darnell cups his face in his hands, Bex sucks in air and makes some Coventry noise and Mo Mohammed cheers and pretends to be ecstatic. Darnell refuses Maysoon’s hug and says something about “a gang”, but it’s all fuss and bluster at this point, surely. He’s angry. “Not good at all,” he says. “I don’t wanna leave,” Darnell says, and Bex tells him that she’s been up twice. “Yeah, but you’re Rebecca Shiner,” he says, as if that explains it all. And, for Bex, for the rest of her life, I fear that it will. Lost your job? You’re Rebecca Shiner. Can’t find a mate? You’re Rebecca Shiner. Kicked in the crotch by a mule? You’re Rebecca Shiner.
Some people says some stuff about not wanting to win the money at the end of BB, and blah blah blah. It’s super boring. Isn’t it hot at the moment? I was really surprised last night about how warm it was when I was trying to go to sleep, because the day – whilst warm – wasn’t overly hot, and didn’t really alert me to the potential future temperatures to be found at bed time. I wonder what the next few days will be like? Probably warm as well. Oh, hang on, Darnell is ruining this moment we’re sharing by telling Rex that he nominated him for eviction, which we know is against the rules. Luke and Bex are in the diary room. “The thought of being near you turns my stomach,” Luke says. Liar.
MEANWHILE, IN THE CLOCK ROOM! Darnell and Mo Mohammed fail to turn off an alarm in time. 1 penalty incurred! Big Brother calls Darnell in to reprimand him for spilling the beans to Rex, and does it in typical Darnell-quoting comedy fashion. Big Brother then gives the housemates some alcohol for either the heavenlies or the hellish ones. Dale has to choose. Dale somehow thinks that he’ll have to be up for eviction lest he “sail through to the final”, so he chooses Heaven to annoy more people. Dale presents selfishness as something else, a way to gauge his own popularity on the outside world, and it’s just stupid. “Yous’ll find out my reasons at a later date, honestly yous will,” Dale says. Lisa stares at Dale, disappointed in him. It’s quite sad, actually.
The Heavenlies play Sex, Marry, Diss (which is fun) as a not-so-subtle way of saying who they would nominate. No repercussions there, though! Certainly no votes for nominations getting recanted. Hm. Outside, Rachel asks whether Darnell is black. Maybe she is – as Darius Danesh once sang – Colourblind. Darnell explains his albinoism. “Gosh, that’s really different,” Rachel says. OH WAITS! Luke and Bex cuddle up in bed rrrrrrrreally close. AND NOW THEY ARE KISSING! Or vomiting in each others mouth, which is surely the reaction one would have. We can hear the horrendous slopping noise as their tongues feel around their molars! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE, CAREFULLY DESIGNED TO SAVE BEX FROM EVICTION!
UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH I FEEL TAINTED! Under the covers there is movement of hands! Imagine feeling that hideous walrus body whilst having her scabby tongue wash your mouth like some horrendously blunt and slimy dental procedure! I’d be sick. I’d go and sit by the clock room or the egg timer as an excuse. I’d poke out my own eyes and have to be sent home. Anything but having to feel that.
