Oh, Bunnies. Oh, Bunnies.

Sara sounds like a drunk. I can tell, immediately, that this episode is going to wind me up something chronic, and thus be a classic. Some examples:

1. “I’m mad, I’m wacky,” says Lisa, who is neither, but is freakishly strong and wildly over-aggressive. ‘Roids?

2. Rex is so clingy. He’s that awful man you see in clubs who is unable to have fun because his girlfriend is there, and then pines and sighs for her when she walks off to get a drink. He used to be a mid-90s-Loaded-reading-hero, and now he’s just a… Well, a GQ reader. I hate that he lies on the floor like a wimp and cries for Nicole to pay attention to him. BEST TO WORST IN TWO DAYS, REX. There’s a bit in the Brendan Fraser classic Bedazzled where he wishes that Elizabeth Hurley, as the Devil, would make him super-sensitive so girls might like him. He turns into a pathetic husk of man, crying on the beach because things are so lovely and he loves his girlfriend so much and cries when she won’t hug him constantly. That’s just like Rex! (I can’t believe I just spent that much time typing about that film. I’ve wasted my time and yours. Sorry.) Oh! Another similarity. In I’m Alan Partridge, Alan shouts for his ‘friend’ Dan across a car park. He shouts his name 20 times in desperation. Rex says NICOLE NICOLE NICOLE over and over until she listens to him.

3. Dale’s hair has become wings. This is less of a negative, granted, because he might end up flying away, but he would therefore be the first human to cross the next boundary of evolution, which would egg me off.

4. I WOULD LIKE A MOCHA FRAPPUCINO AND A BLUEBERRY MUFFIN AND SOME FUDGE. So would I, Kat. So would I.

5. “I’m meant to be clever!” yells Stuart upon failing to remember the existence of the letter M. By what measurement, Stu? What test did you take? Your Key Stage 3? Or is that merely in comparison to other stupid people?

6. Why do I watch a TV show where people take over 4 minutes to say the alphabet backwards? I just did it, and did it in under a minute, and that was slow and I’m watching a TV show and typing this. Nicole, incidentally, took half a minute to work out that the last letter of the alphabet was X. UGH.

7. Darnell wants to be like a bear. LIKE A BEAR.

8. Wacky, mad Lisa gets tricked by BB into doing stupid faces. It’s a timeless clip that I will never forget.

9. Stuart cries over some photos in a sunflower-shaped frame. 

10. Back to Rex: “Oh Bunnies!” is the worst thing I have ever heard anyone say in a baby voice when not actually looking at rabbits.

11. Oh, and again: Rex tries to sacrifice his suitcase to get Nicole’s hers, and win her love because he is a disgrace. And then he thinks that he will break up with her on national TV. Whinge whinge whinge: watch as he gets kicked out this week and she stays for weeks more. How will that feel, Rexy? He keeps dragging her off and talking to her in private. Best moment of the show? “I love you,” he tells her as she looks dead inside and doesn’t say a word to him.

12. “Just like two ships passing in the morning,” Dale says when he crosses Mikey in the transition from heaven to hell. Oh yes, Dale: that brilliant and well known and not at all twisted phrase.

13. “I want my suitcase,” cries the vapid whole that is Nicole. “I hate it,” she says, which is awful, and then Rex trumps it. “You hate me as well, yes?” he asks. What a tit.

14. Mikey – a comedian, lest we forget – spills some alphabetti spaghetti on the floor. It is the funniest thing OF ALL TIME. (“Get Nicole to clean it up!” yells Stuart, oddly. If he was a super misogynist I might find him more interesting. Tame that shrew, Stu!)

15. Oh, for God’s sake Rex. When I was 7 I had a fight with my best friend, Darren Hyde, in school. I pulled his tie really tightly and it hurt him, and we were both told to go and stand by the naughty wall. To get him to like me again I pulled my tie really tight and started to choke, and the nurse had to cut it off. Rex offers to get his suitcase taken so that Nicole might feel better. Hint: She won’t.

16. Stuart thinks that the Prince song piped into the house – one of the greatest – is Savage Garden.

I despair, I really do.