Sealed with a…

It’s the letters from home episode! But more on that later. Rachel is head of house, and can’t manage to keep Mo awake. Apparently, it’s one of her duties to wake the housemates. If I were Mo, I’d sleep all the time, in there with that lot. In the bedroom, an umade-up and large-eared Lisa discusses how she once pulled an18-year old when she was 36, as Sara plucks what appears to be a hair from her septum. Rachel moans about Mo in the diary room, and concocts punishments. Did you know that Rachel was a Miss Wales runner-up/finalist? It’s true. But Wales is a small place, eh?

Now the housemates are dancing in abhorrent lycra. Kat is very sweaty and there are lazy shots of groins and nipples. Nicole has scabs in her eyes. Rex plucks them out with a mixture of adoration and disgust. Do you know something? I think Nicole has naturally ginger hair, but she dyes it blonde. Why do you think this is? Is it because Rex is ginger, and ginger+ginger=wrong? I don’t know, but I think she’d look better if she lost La Hilton’s locks. Lisa is still not pleased about Nicole being there. I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY. Stuart knows he can’t win, and he’s right. Darnell leaps wetly into bed with Sara. Oh god.

HOURS LATER now. The highlights must have been poor yesterday. Housemates from hell have to sort out letters – some of which are from heaven housemates’ families. Nicole reads out a letter to Lisa from Mario. It is sickening. “I’m missing our exfoliation sessions,” he says, as grease pours out of letter. Lisa cries. Boo hoo, it is sad. “Our spirits do meet up at night,” he says via pen (or probably pencil, in his case). Sara cries. Probably with horror. “I feel like an elf,” says Mikey, as he sorts the letters. Nicole reads a letter to Dale, from his parents and brothers and sisters. Dale pulls his hat over his head and looks ill. LIKE HE’S REMEMBERED THE THINGS HE DOES IN THE NIGHT. Stu has a letter from his daughter, and cries before it’s even read. She has drawn little pictures all over it that have everyone weeping in delight. UGH. Weirdly, we don’t see all the housemates from heaven receive their letters. It’s almost like the producers want to influence what we think of the housemates, or something… Mo is delighted by his letter and whimpers. Rachel is squeezing him to death. Watch out, Mo – there will be a mopping punishment for being hugged, or something. But Rachel is sad because she didn’t get anything. “What does underpinned mean?” Lisa asks Dale. Luckily, he doesn’t explain what it means to him.

Now Rachel goes to the diary room. She has a choice of receiving letters for the hell housemates or one for herself. She chooses the hell housemates’ letters, and sobs. Kat’s letter is two pages, apparently. It’s from her boyfriend. He proposes to her, kind of. Kat looks very upset. “I made so many mistakes in the past,” she weeps. Well, haven’t we all? Mine was agreeing to do this blog, thinking that Big Brother might actually be INTERESTING this year. Mikey’s letter is from his family. Borrring.

Rex is watching his own VT with Nicole. FFS. Out of everyone you could pick, and you picked yourself? Ugh. He makes jokes about his bling and being shy. “I look horrible,” says Rex. Oh, it’s OK, mate. You’ve made a turn around – now, it’s only your girlfriend who drags you down. Rex at least managed to steal some food, so that’s something. Apparently Lisa was a backing singer with 10CC? No, surely I can’t have heard her say that. Her singing is appalling! Darnell makes witty retorts to his letter. “I must preach too much,” he muses. Dale has been humping his pillow in the night because he’s jealous of Rex and Nicole. OH OK. That’s not what he said, but it is what he meant.

Darnell seems to think Dale is a wit, and “the man”. Dale hints, I think, that Darnell shouldn’t be nice to him because it’s nominations tomorrow. HMM. That better lose him his noms, BB! Rex is spooning with Nicole on the floor. NOT LIKE THAT! Darnell is rolling about on Sara. Sara shows him her t-shirt. “Why are you pointing down there? Is that where you need love?” HAHA. This is actually very amusing. It is apparently Sara’s worst chat up line. “I don’t get that,” says Stu. Er, where did his child come from, then? Sara hides in bed with Stu. He is unhappy. “I’m half-naked.” “What’s that got to do with the price of fish in China?” Sara shrieks. Darnell is heartily embarrassed. OR IS HE? HAHA. Now Darnell is not up for noms, he is being hirarious again. Sara goes to see if Darnell is alright. He is now. “I am the laughing stock of London,” he says. Darnell has jumped into hell. I don’t know why. Is he really that embarrassed? BB calls him to the diary room. Darnell is sent back to heaven.