Setting Fire To Fags Is A Job For Christ-Loving Rachel. WHAT? IT’S TRUE!

Has anyone noticed Lisa’s t-shirt before, the one with a big monkey face with the giant saucer eyes right over her boobs? I never noticed it before. 

What I did notice before is what happened yesterday with Darnell pointing to Sara’s vajayjay and asking her if she could put himself in there, or something to that effect. I saw that. Darnell repeats it to BB. He’s like a human “PREVIOUSLY ON LOST”. PREVIOUSLY ON BIG BROTHER 9: 60 days of nothing! COMING UP ON BIG BROTHER 9: More nothing! 

Another thing that I never noticed before: Mo Mohammed’s dressing gown is something that he has clearly stolen from a hotel. It’s white and towelled and a bit too thin to be truly comfortable. It’s either a hotel or a TK Maxx purchase. 

ANOTHER THING! (Hang on, I spot a theme for this post!)

THINGS I HAVE ONLY JUST NOTICED IN BIG BROTHER 9.

! Darnell walks like Cornelius from Planet Of The Apes! This is not casual racism: rather, I am suggesting that he has an overly developed human/simian crossbreed gait due to what I like to call ‘Rap-standing’, where the individual sways from left-to-right to some imaginary choon. I understand that this might be seen as racist – aren’t coloured people one step closer to the apes, say the ignorant Daily Mail readers – but he is, after all, white. OH NOES HE ISN’T ETC ETC.

! Sara is quite hanging, and looks like one of those 16 year old girls who dresses older and then you see without makeup and realise she’s 16 and feel bad for fancying her. She acts like it as well, one of those girls who has developed sexually but doesn’t know what to do with it bar flirt a bit and cause involuntary erections in her chums.

! The food challenges are always funny until someone gets hurt, vomits or gives up, annoyed. Everyone stands around to watch them as well, which is horrible. If I was going to have to eat some nasty stuff I would be upset if everyone watched. Nicole thinks that Brussels Sprouts come with pubic hair. Somebody once told me – or I read, I forget – that humans are not meant to actually eat Brussells Sprouts, that there’s something about our physiology that means that nobody actually finds their taste pleasing. MUCH LIKE HOW I FEEL ABOUT DALE HA HA!

! Mikey isn’t ever funny. Shouting something and looking annoyed about it and saying it in a funny way – Scottish – is not the basis for comedy.

! Rachel understands Big Brother perfectly, and speaks sense and reason. With regards to whiny Stu, she tells him to just go. “Don’t worry about not getting the TV exposure on BBLB etc – if you miss someone that much just go.”  Which is true. Dear Stuart’s Daughter. Despite your father’s whining and crying, he loves money and fame more than you, and always will. Yours, Big Bother.

! The nominations pod is hugely interesting, and we barely know anything about it until Big Brother tells us as an afterthought. Surely her and Rex agreeing on housemates to nominate is really interesting? More interesting than Sprouts? Sara doesn’t nominate Stuart – as she agreed with Rex to do – but does nominate Dale, because he “really really really wants to go.” No he doesn’t, or he would.

! Stuart, Dale, Rex… Anyone who ‘wants’ to be nominated is ultimately after validation that they are liked. BB has become a gigantic popularity contest. Stuart’s reasons for nominating Sara and Mikey – so that he is more likely to be up for eviction – are shocking and useless and designed solely to make himself more liked. Stuart, you dimwitted dullard: piss off and go to your daughter and tell her you miss her and are sorry for ever involving yourself in this horrendously egotistical pissing contest.

! Rachel, a teacher of English, isn’t terribly bright. She doesn’t understand the phrase “At your peril”. Sara doesn’t understand the word “peril” either, but she’s excused as she’s a dirty foreigner.

! Darnell really really really needs a girlfriend to stop him moaning about his repetitive cycle of screwing things up with all women in the world. According to The Sun, that last bastion of British Intelligence, he is a virgin, and they would know. 

! Rex doesn’t understand women. Going for a long poo when they are on their own eating Sprouts? FOR THE SHAME, MAN! (Speaking of poo, Mikey will be rancid after eating all those sprouts. His mother-bird-esque method for eating sprouts is ingenious, btw.)

Anyway, Dale and Stuart are up for eviction. One of them uses roofies to entrap “fanny” to “nail”, the other whines and moans and has the IQ of a bit of hardwood flooring. You pays your money and you vote out Dale, no doubt.  Yowser.