Based On Sara’s Performance, Australian Women Are Rather Shrill.

“What’s wrong with you?” Rex asks Nicole. He’s pushing me towards murder. “Are you a spoilt little brat?” She looks so sick of him. Dale and Stuart talk about demographics and fans like they understand, or like they are well-liked. NOT WELL-LIKED: ABHORED. It has just been pointed out to me that Lisa has makeup on as soon as she wakes up, which is interesting. Tattooed on? Possible. Mario would hate to see a woman without makeup, I’m sure.

Big Brother says that the Crystal Ball that they have given the housemates must be treated with respect. Lisa tells us that she held it and got a vision of a horse. “I don’t think of horses like that,” she says, meaning by touching a Crystal Ball. I think Lisa is a secret mental. The signs have been there – the aliens, the ghosts, the visions of a horse, Mario. Is this an experiment, BB, on us, as viewers, to spot which housemates are mentals? Lisa, Stuart, Mikey, Rex. They are my four guesses. Lisa sees things and tattoos her face, Stuart has no daughter and is actually crying over a stock photograph of a child in a cheap Debenhams frame, Mikey isn’t actually blind and just smears jam in his eyes for fun and Rex is a crazy possessive 19th century gent who wants his women to be permanently at heel.

Stuart and Dale have to suffer some bouts of bad luck, to see which will be evicted. The unluckiest one should be evicted, right? They do this task in their pants, which is an excuse, clearly. It isn’t clear if this is their choice or BB’s. “This is the funniest thing ever!” yells Sara. I can only assume that she didn’t watch Channel 4’s Kevin Bishop show. HAR-DE-HAR-HAR. There’s a tie on between the housemates. “It’s a barn burglar!” says Darnell, which must mean something, but I have no idea what. Hang on, I’ll google it. Hang on. Just a second. No, all I can find is stories of people burgling barns, funnily enough. “I’m proper f*cked, me,” says Stuart as the task finishes. “Like, headache f*cked.” Which is truly the worst kind of f*cked, right?

Mikey goes on about sausages, which is very bleh. The housemates think he has a chance of winning; I think he has a chance of whinging. (No? Too tame? Alright. I think he has a chance of being a whiny, obnoxious, aggressive twunt.) It’s eviction night, so the housemates all dress up nice and that. I’m glad Nicole got her suitcase as she has dressed herself as a tranny for what must be some sort of comedy skit. She has started to look less like she did when she went into the house, like she’s morphing into some slightly alternative version of herself that’s a bit duller, a bit softer. Nicole tells him that she knows he’s lying when he says he’s never cheated on her, and Rex shits himself. It’s amazing, he looks petrified, and instantly knows that stuff must have come out in the press but she can’t talk about it due to the BB rules! It’s brilliant. Oh, Rex, what happened in Vegas? Hang on, we already know: you did a stripper. We know this because the Sun knows this and thus Nicole knows this. But this won’t cause great fights: it’ll cause tension and moaning and bitching and Rex asking Nicole what’s wrong. On Paper? Brill. On TV? Dull.

But enough moaning from us – you come here to be entertained, right? So lets watch Dale leave the house! HUZZAH! He reminds me of Leon, from the X-Factor. You remember Leon, right? Leon? The Scottish one? Beat Rhydian? No, Rhydian didn’t win it. Leon did. Madness. (Mental note: Try and get Leon in touch with Darnell to sing the verses of Dem Girls. You know Dem Girls, right?) Horny Sara remembers it, but she’s all over Darnell, if she was ever under him in the first place. She’s onto Stuart BIG TIME tonight. Mikey dissects the bad luck task by reasoning that, because Stu wanted to leave, his got bad luck and has stayed, ergo BAD LUCK IS REAL! Let us now watch to see if that luck holds: Stu sits in the garden with Sara in the early stages of flirt-sex. Sigh. Inside, Rex asks Nicole if there have been lots of stories in the press about him. Outside again, and suddenly Sara has moved to sit on Stuart’s cock lap.”You have a big arm,” she tells him. “Big hands.” BB Editing staff, we need to be cutting to footage of Darnell’s heart breaking right now, please. “You’ve got big thighs,” Sara says. This is only leading to one thing, and we all know what it is.

Lisa axes – sorry, asks - Darnell how many girlfriends he has had. The answer, according to him, is none. That isn’t what The Sun says today, Darnell, my love. 

SEX-MAD Darnell Swallow loves getting his teeth into S&M vampire sex sessions, a former lover said yesterday.

He wore a CAPE, tiny THONG, metal CHAINS and Dracula-style plastic FANGS as they romped.

Horny Darnell, 26, has been playing the “loser in love” card in the Big Brother house in a bid to bed Sara, telling the group he’s never had a girlfriend. But it appears he may be a lot more experienced in the sack than he makes out.

Dishy dominatrix Jordana Barros, 21, revealed: “We used each other for sex. He liked being spanked and so did I. I have a freaky side too so it was a pleasure. Darnell was into role play and vampires really turned him on. He loved wearing a cape and he also had a tiny PVC thong, which was hot. We also liked using handcuffs in the bedroom.”

Apparently this woman lives in Croydon, which is typical, and just what you would expect. What a great story to have come out, eh? Back in the house, Kat pushes Sara towards Stuart. She wants them to rut, clearly, and don’t we all? They all go to bed, and Sara just works the room, arousing all the men by saying that she won’t sleep in the same beds with the men because they want to sex her. Darnell takes offence to this, somehow making it seem like she’s inferred rape or something – the phrase “Darnell WILL try and have sex with me if I sleep in his bed” led to that conclusion. Darnell starts to swear, and warns: “Don’t make me count to ten.” What happens at ten, Darnell? WHAT HAPPENS AT TEN?

An argument follows about whether Darnell fancies Sara or not. He claims NO but means YES. Best bit? Mo Mohammed spends the whole argument lying on his bed with his legs spread in his little pants looking for all the world like Hedonism Bot. “Don’t turn me into a perv,” Darnell says. Or did he say “Perp”? I can’t tell. Why not put on a cape, some plastic fangs and count to ten, Darnell?

“1, 2, 3, ah, ah, ah.”