Miaow Miaow Miaow Miaow.

Darnell is not handling Sara’s fancying of Stuart well. “Do you know how it feels to be the guy who always doesn’t get fancied by the girl but becomes the friend whilst she fancies another guy but won’t admit it?” he asks Kat (or words to that effect. Probably less eloquent, but then, I have a PhD). Sara then shouts at him (“I have admitted I fancy Stu!” she yells, which I don’t remember, but editing is a wonderful thing) and he shouts back. I have to say, this is probably good for the house: it was all becoming a little too UGH watching him think he had a chance with her. Darnell isn’t half going about this now, mind. On and on and on. BB have started to subtitle Mo Mohammed, because we cannot understand what he’s saying, right? Because he’s Mooslim, yeah? I would prefer that they muted Mikey and just subtitled him, just play that twittering birds noise that you play on the live show when they swear instead. That would be lovely: he would sound like a pretty morning instead of a drunken, infantile Scotsman.

Rachel is dressed as a giant cake. Ho Hum. The housemates are baking cakes in the shape of buildings, which makes for insanely exciting telly. WATCH IT RISE! WATCH THE JAM GET SPREAD! WATCH IT GET ICED! Whatever you think of Rex, surely this task has him at an advantage? I don’t think it matters: there’s stuff getting eaten and cakes being made and flour EVERYWHERE. I’m sorry, but this doesn’t usually happen: I am genuinely at a loss for things to write about. Mikey, the blind man, pouring flour shittily over things he cannot see? How much better the Heavenly Housemates’ cake looks? I don’t know. Were I not under Advert Embargo from the other people in Big Bother Towers I might discuss the awful Asian Halifax Singing Man, or the shaving advert where they shave a plant that’s a bit like a leg. I might even discuss the sadness that I find in Coco Pops no longer featuring shoddy European animation in their adverts, or how The Thong Song is apparently an R&B ‘Classic’. But I’m under an advert embargo, so I shan’t.

There’s going to be a new Head Of House, which is nice. Rachel is going to decide on which cake was best, but she’ll choose the Hellish Housemates because she’s so nice. The housemates sing Hall & Oates’ classic Maneater, which is brilliant, but they only sing the first line of the chorus, which is not so great. She picks her favourite cake, and I TOLD YOU SO! There’s some kerfuffling about which cake tastes better, and Mikey is picked by Rachel as the new Head Of House. 

Did anyone watch Cranford? It was a TV show about NOTHING HAPPENING. At one point somebody got so bored they knitted a cow some pyjamas. I would give anything for that much excitement in the BB house. A reader asked me yesterday if I was getting sick of BB. I’m not sick of BB: I’m sick of this lot, and this series. Too long, too dull, too tedious. Send a murderer in, or a rapist. That’ll put the cat amongst the pigeons. OR THE KAT AMONGST THE (Darnell) SWALLOW! See? I can write awful jokes whilst watching this.

Rachel is upset. The housemates swap Heaven for Hell and vice versa, and Nicole gets to see the nice bits of the house for the first time. The Heavenlies get some cakes and champagne and nice things, and they eat them. Rex is super bitter about the cake decision. Rachel then goes and cries to Big Brother about how everybody hates her. “I’m not in the good books: I’m in the bad books.” LOGICAL THOUGHT RIGHT THERE. Kat then sings a song entirely composed of the word MIAOW, and Rachel cries under the bedcovers. It’s like Malllory Towers or something. Give me strength.