Lost in the Post

Do you know what isn’t funny? Virgin Media Broadband sponsorship adverts. It seems strange to me that Talk Talk didn’t want to sponsor BB after the ‘race rows’, but Virgin jumped in there. “Lwes forget about possible racist connotations,” they may as well have said. “Instead, let’s do some not funny sponsorship adverts and that will take all the heat off.”

But I digress. Rex won’t get up. Darnell slaps Sara’s bum. Mikey is irate. I have been reliably informed that Mikey, with his new hair, looks like Dennis Hopper’s version of King Koopa. Rex thinks Mikey takes himself, or his head of house-ship, too seriously. Lisa thinks she’s “normal”. Stu thinks Sara is weird. I don’t. She’s actually a stereotype, albeit an inoffensive one.  A lot of my time is taken up listening to Rex, Mo and Darnell beatbox and rap. Yeah, it’s good. But it’s too late, BB. Too late. Mp throws an orange in Nicole’s face. Oh no, sorry, the orange IS Nicole’s face. Or is it?

Nominations today, of course. I’m half tempted to just tell you who is up, rather than record housemates’ spurious reasons, but I’m a thorough sort of person, so I will tell you all. Darnell nominates Stu and and Nicole. Stu doesn’t want to be there, and Nicole is a late comer. (Or that’s what Rex consoles himself by saying, anyway. ROFL, etc.) Mo is alseep on the sofa, and Mikey wants to throw water on him, but he stumbles and Mo wakes. But Mikey does manage to get Mo’s arm wet. An argument breaks out, because Mo does not think the water trick is fair. But I am eating a Twirl so lalalala I am not listening. My goodness, I love Twirls. Different textures of chocolate! Ummmmnomonomnom. Now, this is interesting. Lisa nominates Rachel (“it’s her body language”) and Rex (“he looks down on people”). Mikey also nominates Rex, and Nicole. “It’s all about the glamour,” he says, although Nicole is one of the least glamorous person I have ever seen/heard. Nicole’s first ever noms are Stu and Rachel. We don’t get to see Mo or Rex nominate. Rachel nominates Lisa (who has a massive run in her tights, which she is wearing with white shorts. I remember telling you ages ago she wore tights when ‘bare-legged’, and I was right) and Sara noms Mo and Rachel. Finally, Stu nominates Rachel and Kat. It’s a pity he can’t nominate his own sorry self, but it’s OK, because as he and Rachel are up this week, he will definitely go.

Someone is asleep, and Mikey can’t find out who it is. Mikey thinks it’s Kat, even though she spoke to him so she couldn’t possibly be asleep. Nuh. He squirts water on her, she does it on him. “Even now,” she says. But is she? Is she really? Rex thinks Mikey could be “done for assault” for squirting water at people. Maybe he’d ge ran ASBO, Actually would he? I don’t think I know anyone who has an ASBO, though I know lots of people who should have several. “The point is, you’re p8ssing people off,” says Rex, as Kat becomes increasingly annoyed about the water squirting. I would be asleep too, if I were in there, as I always say. Do you know what? Stu is rank. Have you seen his pecs? They are not nice.

Do you know what? In the space of time it took me to eat my second finger of Twirl, Stu and Darnell seem to be arguing, and Lisa and Sara are joining in. I think I heard what Darnell said – something about friendship groups, that wasn’t offensive, I don’t think – and it certainly wasn’t worth annoyance. Mikey aays he likes Nicole but not Rex. I think they all must be very bored today – their conversations are circular, spikey and pointless. Mikey doesn’t like “Happy House” and makes Kat very irate. Lisa tells everyone they should try having a family. Rex tells people not to talk to each otehr if they don’t like each other. Or something. Why have these people got not life skills? Lisa is a “life expert” and therefore knows that Darnell is on a missionand wants to prove something. I hate cod psychology. It’s like when someone reads about the holy grail and writes The Da Vinci Code. Just don’t do it. Is that Rex being w8nked off? YES. But BB interrupts! Hahaha. He obviously has a shower, and not a grower. So, Rachel and Stu up, eh?

Do you know what I’ve learnt today? That I really do love Twirls.