I Can’t Give, I Can’t Give Any More.

Everyone has Olympic fever! Even in the BB house they are subjected to it. Today: the opening ceremony of the Big Brother Games. The opening games involve a loudhailer held by Mikey and Lisa waving some string on a stick around like she’s a power ranger. Mikey gets a bee on him and shouts at it through the loudhailer. Somebody steals the loudhailer from him but he can’t see who because he is blind! HA HA HA! Blindness is brilliant fun! The performance of the opening ceremony then begins and – you might not believe this – is okay. It’s quite a good little bit of silly choreography. I think they must now be bored enough that they push themselves to their limits with every single task. Mikey watches the whole performance. Well, not watches, per se, but he certainly stands in front of it. Good of BB to choose something so visual, eh? 

This task suddenly plummets from ‘bit of fun’ to ‘dull as a PE lesson’ when BB makes the housemates run about in a flag waving ceremony for half an hour, in the pouring rain whilst playing Chariots Of Fire over and over and over. Mikey does a rousing speech which involves him shouting – quelle surprise – and introduces everyone. Lisa’s skill is doing things on the treadmill. Stuart is a heavyweight, appparently. Katreya is going to be in the pool. “Did I forget anyone?” Mikey asks, to which the reply comes, Yes, Mo, Rex, Rachel, Nicole. “How could I forget the glamorous Nicole, in her costume.”

Rex has a cider go missing from the fridge. This is tension. What will happen? I CANNOT WAIT TO FIND OUT. Oh, wait: I can. What happens is some argy-bhaji (Eastenders references ftw!) where people get accused of lying. “It wasn’t Mo’s turn to drink,” Rex says, which I have taken out of context for the purposes of basic comedy. Rex smokes incredibly camply, btw. “He’s a greedy greedy bastard: that’s why he’s called Greedy Mo, do you understand?” Rex asks Nicole, which is both patronising and offensive, and thus covers two of Rex’s main personality bases in one move. I can’t believe I’ve been watching a conversation about mistakenly drunk cider for fifteen minutes.

Kat screams after four press-ups. I am hideously unfit, but I could do ten press-ups followed by some star jumps and a bit of swimming. To get Kat to do more lengths of the pool Rachel shouts “cookies” at her. Anyway. Noms are announced! Stuart and Rachel, as you know, are up, and they both say that they are fine. “I don’t stand a chance against Stuart,” Rachel says. If only she knew. Kat and Rachel share a lovely moment, I assume, but I stopped listening as my ears have learnt to tune out the sound of bland. Big Brother then calls the housemates up on apparently giving less than 100%. Mikey says he’ll sort them out. Mikey delivers the message over loudspeaker and most people don’t listen. Mikey has stopped speaking without the loudhailer, which only makes me more irritated with him. Over dinner he thanks Rex – when prompted – for cooking thought the voicebox. It’s just stupid. Stuart does the training task, and Mikey commands him to “strip to his little speedo things”.  There’s a theory in the press that Mikey is actually partially sighted: does this lend credence to that?

“I can’t live if living is without you!” sings Katreya (though I’m betting she’s singing Mariah not Nilsson, but beggars can’t be choosers). Rex and Nicole spoon, apparently, which Mo thinks is a sexual act. Sara and Stuart lie on the sofas staring at each other. “I was looking at your eyelashes,” Sara says. She’s as subtle as a fisting. “You’ve never said anything nice about me,” she follows with. Stuart hates – HATES! – this conversation. So do I, Stuart. We’re in this together.