The Wasp: The Most Poisonous Of Mister Swan’s Creations.

This is our 101st post. I don’t know how to feel about that.

“Get Rex Out!” chant the unwashed masses. Hang on. What? Stuart gets cheers and Rachel gets boos? What? Have I missed something? We here at BB towers have apparently called this one completely wrong. I am changing my vote! Rachel is clearly leaving, I suspect, as I have always suspected! She’s awful, isn’t she? With those ways she’s really nice? God, what a c*nt. 

Oh my word, Nicole is so freckly! I think she covers those with makeup, because you know what they say: Freckles = [insert offensive comment here]! And she doesn’t want that! What she does want, however, is some tights instead of food. Black tights. Hang on! Comedy is at a peak! Hold the Kevin Bishop Show, Channel 4: we’ve found something funnier, and it is Rex in a Borat swimming costume saying Borat catchphrases! (I’m using a lot of exclamation marks tonight.) Is nice! My wife, she is very fat! Yakshema! Etc. Apparently Mo Mohammed has changed to get nominated. IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE JUST BLOODY LEAVE. Oh, wait, you want your week of Little Brother, right? Of course. FFS. Rex wants his ego buffed, so he asks if Stu is the best looking male housemate. Answer: Yes. Sara then admits that she fancies Stu – or, sorry, wants to “kiss him”, because we live in some crazy world where we are all 14 years old – and then Mo Mohammed shouts it through the loudhailer and she acts all shy. 

(Channel 4 promo-watch: HA HA! Vaginas that look like a cauliflower! I’m not laughing at that, per se, but really, a vagina is a vagina, right?)

Katreya is saying a prayer to Mister Swan. “Show me where the exit are, give me the light to where everything is.” Apparently she has been in the house for too long, and, being one of the heathen Easterns, has turned to the false idol of the golden swan tap. Coincidentally, that’s the same deity we worship at BB towers. LIsa makes us some shit about how wasps will kill her because she has spoken to some nurses. “It’s how much they sting into you,” she says, “some wasps are the equivalent of the rattlesnake.” HA HA! says Rex, “Rattlesnakes are 1000 times worse than a wasp!” “What’s the worst snake then?” asks Lisa. “The cobra,” she is informed. “Well, she says, “it’s the same as a cobra then.” MISTER SWAN, GIVE ME STRENGTH! 

Rex now has paranoia that Nicole wearing heels makes him look like a dick. No, Rex: being a dick is what does that. Stu thinks that the only reason he is up for eviction is because he asked to be, and seems convinced that he’s staying. They are reading far, far too much into this all. Kat and Mo Mohammed are sent to jail for some conversation where Mo talked about tripping people up. Oh, whatevs. WHATEVS. Sara is flirting for money with Stuart, and it’s a bit dull. Rex bans Mo from drinking because he is prison. I don’t know, I really don’t. 

There is now another argument – THIRD PISSING DAY! – about some cider that was accidentally drunk. I shan’t be mentioning it any more, unless said argument leads to murder or suicide or sex. Or, preferably, all 3.

(Advert watch: Why, exactly, did David Beckham feel that he didn’t have enough money, and so signed up to do an awful advert for a pen? I’ll bet that was one of Posh’s ideas. Or maybe he just really likes that brand?)

I’m still not writing about the cider incident. I wonder why Rex likes cider so much? Do you think Nicole like cider? Maybe Rex likes putting things in cider? I’ll bet he likes putting cooking utensils in cider. He probably likes putting his spatula in cider. Or some sausages, Rex probably likes, when he’s with Nicole, putting some sausages in cider.

Speaking of which, Mo Mohammed claims that the reason he cannot escape from the prison is because he has big ribs. Yeah, Mo: That’s right.

Anyway, Bohemian Rhapsody is played into the house, and Rachel doesn’t know the words. Stuart does, as you’d expect really, from all those times he’s heard it played as the final song on a night out to his local Flares, and he sings along like a wannabe-Rock-twunt. There’s barely a hint of Wayne’s World irony, even! Shocking. Not shocking: Lisa’s dancing. She pogos up and down with no expression on her face like a jack in the box.

Davina is about to announce who is leaving! (Rachel.) It’s very tense! (Rachel.) God, it’s tense! (Rachel.) IT’S STUART! I thought it would be all along. I was only joking about it being Rachel.