Sara Likes It In All The Holes (When She’s Playing Golf)

“Kat, are you going to have children?” ”I’m thinking a lot more nowaday.” This conversation came from Nicole, who wakes up looking like the Wicked Witch of Post-Assault World, her hair bundled up and matted together with God knows what. She isn’t pretty in the mornings. Lisa says that it’s brilliant having a daughter who is old when she’s only 40. “You can do stuff with them, like go travelling and go out and that,” she says. I’ll bet your daughter loves you for that, Lisa. I can’t think of anything better than going out clubbing with my mum. Nothing. Literally. 

Rex tells Nicole that he had a sexy dream about her, which is so HOT I have to pop off briefly. Mikey looks more and more like a hybrid fish-man, bald and slimy and with eyes that point off in random directions THOUGH I RECOGNISE THAT THIS LAST THING IS NOT HIS FAULT. Apparently, Rex is a credit-card or something, I don’t know. I suspect he’ll be up for eviction this week, and he WILL be leaving. In the diary room Rachel blathers on about something or other, and how glad she is to be in the house still. “Everyone seems really happy today,” she says. UGH! Rex whistles at Nicole’s bum. I really can’t cope with this. “What do you think Nicole looks like?” Rex asks Mikey. “I don’t know. I’ve felt her nose.” The last thing Mikey ever saw was a Doctor with a mask over his face and a needle or something. Jesus. Imagine that image playing over and over. 

Sara talks about how, if the group went out when they get out of the house, she would “hook up” with them all. I’ll bet she shops in Dorothy Perkins (Sorry, they’ve rebranded, haven’t they?) DP. According to her, when you go out you pay to get into all your clubs and then pay for your tables and all that. Rex suggests that she’s an idiot for paying for this stuff. In fairness, she is. Big Brother’s Head Of House challenge this week is, yet again, destined to be a crushing failure as it involves making the housemates stand still for hours at a time, posing as statues. WHY DO YOU MAKE THEM STAND STILL? It isn’t good TV! It’s practically dead-air, Big Brother, and dead-air, as we know, is a crime. Nicole reads out the statues and artists behind them, and we discover that she cannot say foreign names with any skill. One of the statues is The Thinker, which, as Lisa points out, is ludicrously easy because it is sitting down. Eros is hardest as it involves standing on one leg. Nicole and Rex are doing The Kiss (UGH) and will be, therefore, kissing for hours today. Grunle.

(Why is it that The Ultimate R&B Anthems CD is always advertised during Big Brother?)

OH GOD A CLOSE UP OF MO MOHAMMED’S CROTCH. He moves, and that’s it: Rex is the new Head Of House, meaning – canny this – he cannot be nominated this week, and so we have to cope with him for another week. Rex is called to the Diary Room in his costume, which is basically some pants. “Don’t let it out!” yells Kat, referring to his willy. On his own, in the bedroom, Mo Mohammed does a moonwalk, whistles and then does a little twirl. The housemates speak about some stuff that they love about themselves. Rex mentions his skills, likeability and sexiness. Nicole looks a bit sick, actually. Mikey then mentions his most embarrassing moment which, as best I can tell, involves him waving his cock at an awards ceremony. Next, Katreys sings Agadoo, and then wishes that she knew the words. Somebody knows them, though: Try and Guess WHO!

THAT’S RIGHT! Lisa sings the words and jumps about a bit. Mo Mohammed talks about wearing a shirt, and Sara somehow takes this to mean sex. He thinks she’s frustrated. “I can go without it,” she says. Mo asks if she fancies Stuart, Darnell and himself. She says that she hates it when people “gang up” on her. I reckon she’s lying. She loves a gang, I think. She looks the sort. Shops at Dorothy Perkins DP, don’t forget.

The housemates pretend to be Big Brother, but act like they have never spoken to Big Brother before. I don’t know. It’s as dull as flooring. Why does Darnell rock constantly? It’s creepy. Anyway, in bed Rex and Nicole don’t have a wank but talk about how liked or disliked she is. “You’ve doubted me from the very first day,” Nicole says, and she finally breaks and tells him that she knows about the “shit” that he’s done to to her – or, more realistically, the shit he’s done to a stripper in Vegas and another girl in London. “How can you be so horrible?” asks Rex, the man who has cheated on her multiple times and acts like a spoilt baby constantly. Pathetically he makes this about himself and gets out of bed. Plonker. In the living room Rex blames his being a cock on her not wanting to have fun. I don’t know, Rex, I don’t know. I think you need to try to work out what she could have found out – you know, sleeping with that stripper must be pretty hard to recall – and then maybe act accordingly. Sara goes off to bed early, hugging Mo on the way. I was hoping to make a third DP joke here, but there isn’t on: instead, he just gives her the thumbs up, and that one has just written itself.