Marmite Stripes

Is Rex drowning himself in the bath? Oh. sadly not. In the bedroom, Mikey is going on about not wanting a girlfriend and sex not being all it’s cracked up to be, despite the “fact” that blind people make the best lovers. Can I just say: YUCK. Darnell is stressed. Darnell, I think, is probably one of the most paranoid people not only in the house, but in Big Brother in general. He sometimes hides it well, but you know that underneath those thick long eyelashes he’s always sussing things out. Oh look! Nicole and Rex are arguing! Great. This, of course, is why I tuned in. The inescapable argument. Later, Rex is rude to Sara. Oh, hoorah. Mikey, you have a cornflake stuck to your pasty, ingrown stubble, you hear? Lisa is exercising in the garden, but in all honesty she is just jumping up and down. I could do that, and I am entropic.

Rex is singing Nicole a weird song about “not believing what has been portrayed on the show.” Get it? No, I don’t either. I am starting to doubt the nature of reality somewhat. I mean, let’s look at the evidence. I’m writing about the most boring and forced series of Big Brother so far. Big Bother Towers have been getting weird comments about not living in the real world (or something – I paraphrase). And the most damning pieve of evidence of all: I was, pitifully, trapped in a Welsh city centre today, and saw not the doppelganger of Rachel Big Brother, but actually Rachel from this series of Big Brother. She looked at me like she knew what I was thinking, gave me a sly look and ran off. Now, I may not be a super sleuth but this is all becoming well fishy.

Anyway. Lisa and Sara talk of things that make them feel ill. “Velvet,” says Lisa. “Nails on a blackboard… Like having a wax,” says Sara. As Nicole talks to Darnell about how she wants to go to drama school, Rex bitches about her in the diary room. When he comes out, he asks her is she wants some “petting”. I keep forgetting Rachel is in the house after seeing her today her survival of eviction. It’s weird when she talks. Darnell says something about orgasms the girls’ screaming wakes Mo. Delightful.

The housemates’ Sunday task is to make mosaics in the image of Rex from (chewed) bubble gum. YUM. “You’re not drawing my genitals,” says Rex, even though no one offered (not even Nicole). Oh, that gum looks good. It looks American. The housemates have to wear Roman togas as they make their mosaics. There are wasps everywhere. Lisa is TERRIFIED. Mikey shouts about it into a plant pot (I know you think I made that up, but I didn’t). “This isn’t funny,” says Lisa. “One sting can kill you,” she says. You know how she likes that old adage. (No, I’m not talking about Mario ROFL.)

Now Rex has to judge the mosaics. He doesn’t like Lisa’s or Kat’s and Rachel’s attempts. He doesn’t like the “pig nose” in Darnell and Mo’s mosaic. So, oh, what a surprise, Sara and Nicole’s attempt wins, even though it is not the best, whatever Rex says. Apparently, they are getting their reward later, in costume. “Bring on the Roman orgy,” says Mikey. There is, in fact, a feast in the diary room for them. It is a Roman feast, and I wonder if any of the housemates are aware that Romans ate dormouse. Probably not, because they seem to love the meat. Lisa and Mikey say Nicole is worried about Sara’s relationship with Rex. Can i just say that Lisa looks like she is covered in Marmite, though it is in fact, fake tan. Did she mean to put it on like that? She looks like streaky bacon. UGH. Nicole is crying in the diary room. “There’s all these stories that he [Rex]cheated on me,” says Nicole. “I wish I could talk to him.” Oh dear. I would like to run to a bookies and get the odds on Nicole and Rex breaking up soon after they have left the house. But I won’t, because I can already guess it’ll be pretty high. Regardless, Rex will go this week, I think, which should make things better for Nicole, and for us. Kat goes out to see if Nicole is alright as Rex swans about inside. OK, Nicole did tell him to f off, but still. Things go from bad to worse. Nicole is now sobbing bed and Rachel and Kat are trying to help. Something to lighten the mood? “I’m gonna sleep butt naked tonight!” says Darnell. They go to sleep in B Block. Lisa is being very kind to Nicole, and it makes me think that, going clubbing with her daughter and all, she’d be quite a nice mum. Well, maybe aunt. Kat tries to persuade Rex to talk to Nicole, but he won’t. He is too drunk, apparently. He acts out a phonecall to her. Hm. He seems to find it funny, but he wouldn’t do if he knew why she was so upset. She goes into B Block and Rex hides behind a pillow. “Why you hide your face!” shrieks Kat.

Why indeed.