A Conversation At BigBother Towers.

Tonight, the BB Towers crew – like So Solid – will be have a parlez about the evening’s episode. I’m here alone at the moment, but that doesn’t surprise me. The other member of the BB Towers Estate is always late. Always. The house starts quietly, because it’s nomination day. “I’m gonna flip this show upside down,” says Darnell, hopefully like The Twits did, by sticking the furniture to the ceiling. Rex and Nicole have an argument about having an argument and Nicole cries that she was left on her own in “this room” (the nice bedroom) with “these people” (the nice housemates) “all night” (all night). It isn’t like he left her in Sexual Assault World, the canny new theme park just outside Leeds. It isn’t like he stuck her on a bed of AIDSy needles. I mean, fine, he did run away, but blah. Rex picks a flower from the garden to present to his girlfriend. Mikey says “I quite like Nicole but this isn’t working for me in here,” right as Nicole sits in front of him. Oh, hang on, they’re here now. They’ll be talking in Italics, and I’ll stay normal and Black. Like Darnell. OH NOES WAIT.

Hello

Hello. Rex has stuck a sunflower on some toast and is calling it an apology

I forgot that, as Head of House,Rex cannot be nominated

I am v irate about this

It’s crazy

As he def would have gone

I love that neck kissing – passionately – is making up

I actually feel sorry for Nicole

That has surprised me

Yeah, I know

Also, I think I know who has been nominated

Do you want to know?

Sure, do tell

Nicole, Lisa and Sara

So Nicole will be going

Oh yeah, I reckon. Or Sara – depends.

Not Lisa though

I think this is a shame in some ways, as Rex should have gone first

No, Sara won’t go

Why?

Is she liked?

She has quite a lot of fans I think

She doesn’t inspire fandom in me, I must say

Nicole keeps saying she’ll walk and I wonder if she will when she knows she’s up

Possibly

Hm

It’s all a bit unfortunate

I’m surprised Sara was nominated, also

Well, we shall see why in a second

Or not, if they edit the noms too much

4 Music boasts Lauren Laverne as a presenter

Haha I hate Laverne

She is a frog face

This is going on the blog, you know. She’ll know you hate her.

Ugh, take that off then

I’m sure she’s a nice person

Lisa has got make up on. What a lie

She has eyeliner tattoos

 

bad ones, at that

Darnell looks terribly white in the Diary Room light

Poor Lisa

I know

 

Haha

Poor Darnell!

Also, his head is quite notchy

I bet it’s itchy

It’s so thick that it must be horrid after shaving

OMG he nominated Sara

How rude

For not fucking him, clearly

Yes, and snogged Mo

Or in Mo’s words, “pulled him”

oloolol

UGH

When Darnell does an Aussie accent he pronouces Sara as Sierra

Yes. I’m surprised at kat noming Sara too

KAT FANCIES BORIS JOHNSON!

haha don’t we all

He has had a haircut now and everything

Lisa’s earrings look like giant earlobes

I wonder what size her boobs were before she had surgery

Probably tiny

I bet they were quite nice

LOOK AT HER DANGLY EARLOBES

She has a good bum

(if by ‘good’ you mean ‘big’)

No, I mean round. That normally means quite good boobs too

Anyway, that is irrelevant

Lisa does have very large old man ears

Did you see when Mo said he thought she was a man?

EUGH is Rex kissing her boobs?

HA, yes.

That is evil

Get out

Rex is treading dangerously close to assault

haha

SLURP SLURP

Rex kisses Nicole like a drunk old man kissing a teen in Flares

Do you think Nicole has had a boob job?

I was wondering that yesterday

Hm, don’t know. Not really looked enough

But can’t make up my mind

Hm

She has horrid shoes

has she? let me see

There.

Ugh yes they are horrid

Mikey looks like a Butlins compere.

hahaha I was just writing something along those lines

Do you think Rex will nominate Nicole?

Nah

Really? I think he might

Really? That would surely end their relationship

Surely

Also, Mikey is wrong about Sara thinking the sun shines out of Rex’s bum

She has been quite annoyed with him this week

And rightly so, too

Oh look, make fun of the non-English mother tonguer!

Making Kat say dirty limericks to make her swear is nasty

OH DEAR

MIKEY’S EXTENTABLE STICK IS MAGIC!

It’s like a lightsaber!

But less noisy

And you can’t fight with it. Well, you could, but it would be rubbish

Yes, and a bit unfair

And it’s not glowing.

Although I was scared when he managed to find Rex hiding behind the bed

MO VOTES FOR SARA! It’s because he thinks she’s loose, I reckon

Maybe he would be a fair opponent because he has some kind of internal motion sensor

Oh he is such a schoolboy

“She didn’t talk to me!”

Sara is being voted out for “making conversation IN FRONT OF ME”? What an odd reason

Haha Mo is very weird

Lisa looks well old today

Yes. She looks tired and a bit sad

Like old lettuce

Although with a 25-year-old’s body

Which is just creepy

Tyre throwing. What fun.

Did they steal that from a local car?

Do you know, I totally forgot about Rachel until just then

Yes, I did that yesterday

Rachel very rarely features in the programme recently

We saw the most of her last week when she was up for eviction

Haha Mo makes noises in the toilet

How disgusting!

That’s as valid a reason for nom as any

It’s as valid is “she talks to me” or whatever

Mikey is playing blind golf

With a hoop and a potato, it looks like

I am glad he has got changed, at least

This is like Nightmare but with less jesters and nobody called Pickle

And no giant skull on the screen

This also strikes me as a bit mean

(All of which would improve BB, btw)

Rachel is scared of Lisa! HA HA!

I can’t believe that Rachel is uneasy around Lisa, but I can believe she’s scared of her

Wouldnt you be? I would be

Yeah, alright, probably. Sleep with one eye open.

Yes. And, in your case, some kind of male chastity belt just in case

Why is Lisa sweating so much? Is it her time of life?

Ha! I think she’s younger than that

“She’s what I’d call a ship jumper – she likes to jump ship.”

Well… It’s entuirely possible to have the ‘change’ when you’re 40 whatever

Rex is so mean about Sara. She is not a cling on, I don’t think

She just never really ahd the chance to make any friends

Plus of all the people left, she didn’t have much choice

Ugh. Mikey better not make it to the final, you know

I know. I can’t fathom his popularity.

In the house?

At all

In the real world.

Well, I don’t think he has that many fans outside

Yeah, but he’s one of the faves to win in the bookies, right?

Just looked: Mikey is current bookies favourite to Win

9/4 odds

Then Darnell/Rachel Tied

UGH

Then Kat

Well, I know that Nicole is favourite to leave on Friday, but that’s obvious

She’s also least favourite to win

Ha

Poor Nicole, I say again

There was utterly no point to her being there, apart from to make Rex look worse

haha but at least he knows he is a tit

I liked his dance

I am looking forward to Darnell being a walrus

OMG Rachel doesn’t know what a walrus is

How does Rachel – a teacher – not know what a Walrus is?

Ridiculous

What is the matter with her?

God knows.

LITERALLY HA HA!

Haha

I forgot she was a Chist child

You are a terrible typist under pressure, you know.

I love that Lisa thinks that 5 digestives will = vomit

Chist child = child of a Neathian morgue assistant

I don’t know

I meant Christ, I admit

Oh no, Mikey is instigating nose picking and eating

he is isgusting

yes yes, I meant disgusting

He really is. YOUR WINNER, LADIES AND GENTS

Thank you and really, well done

Oh, Mikey would have a bogey ready

UGH

“A HUGE BOGEY”.

This is vile

The lowest BB has ever been

Oh I actually want to vomit

Lower than Kinga with a bottle up her quim

Yes, much lower

Mo is revolting

And far more disgusting

He’s going to eat it!

At least Kinga was doing something vaguely normal?

AAARGH!

UGHUGUGH

YUCK OH MY GOD

I want to die

Mo has just ruined any potential sex life he could ever have

Mo seriously will eat anything

Oh god I want to throw up everywhere

He was hungry

(and then eat it)

Only joking

Filled a hole

Kat is saying HARDCORE over and over. Do you think that’s her favourite kind of porn?

Yes

That and Asian babes

Actually, is Kat bi?

I don’t know. I haven’t tested her

Ha. Would you want to? I’m thinking you wouldn’t

I HEAR THE VOICE OF ACE FROM DR WHO ON THE AMBIPUR AD!

Sophie Alldred.

Yes!

Who are Ricky and Melvin on BBBM?

I was just going to ask you that!

I have no idea!

Oh, the hardcore relates to Mo

But he wasn’t hardcore

He was just vile

That’s all

No pride in that

Yuck

Rex is a good head of house!

Ha

He is a something head

Dick?

Ha ha you saw my joke!

Yeah, it was good.

Subtle

Kat is making prophecies

Like me

Why does Darnell want to be sick?

Is it because of the bogey?

If Darnell vomits he is sick for 3 days, APPARENTLY.

Oh yes

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

He’s out of commission

I don’t know

Must be psychosomatic

Oh no, are Nicole and rex going wanking again?

I think so. Whilst talking to others.

Well, what a fun episode.

Nearly.

Typical fare really

Oh well

More of the ssme tomorrow!

Indeed.