Master ARGH my computer died, and the eviction’s not till later

What’s this I spy coming towards me this evening? It’s an eviction. Because, you know, as a series gets older, it starts to do strange things in the night. That was an erection joke, by the way. I’m sorry. Because the housemates don’t know, Davina has to stand in silence as she goes on about DEs (double evictions – a penetrations joke!). The housemates inside are all wearing long black wigs, although we have not yet been enlightened as to why.

So, the highlights of yesterday begin with an argument about cigarettes. Mo took more than both Sara and Rex, and now Sara has none. “You’re greedy, Mo,” says Sara. “Yeah, I’m greedy,” he says, and runs round doing a weird dance. “It took you eighty something days to say it… Yeah, I’m greedy.” But the argument dissipates a little, and then Sara goes to make morning coffees and has to ask Mo how sugar cubes work, and it’s all OK. Then Mikey walks around in Sara’s sleeping mask which the boys find fascinating because it’s from Ann Summers. “Are you into bondage?” Rex asks her. Do you know what I’m thinking? I think you do.

In the diary room, Rachel goes on about how much she likes Disney, so she is not offended by being called a Disney character. Good. Then she comes out and sings the Beauty and the Beast theme tune while Mo sleeps. Then Mo wants some nail polish and Darnell gets stung by a wasp. Why? Because wasps are spiteful.

As we cut back to the housemates, they are all wearing Afro wigs and Kat appears to be blacking up. I really wish I knew what was going on. I also hope Kat doesn’t get evicted tonight as who would want to leave with greasepaint all over them? Anyway, back to yesterday. Rex is doing a cookery masterclass for the housemates, and he must teach them to cook steak and souffle (in pairs). His instructions are remarkably clear, although he gets irate when other housemates talk over him. Sara finds the word ‘blanch’ hirarious. “What branch mean?” asks Kat. Oh dear. Anyway, Mo and Sara’s food looks very nice indeed. Rex says it’s “perfect” and is impressed, which means it must be bloody good, I reckon. Darnell and Kat’s looks dodgy. “He look like he very impressed!” says Kat, sarcastically. “Your mash is lumpy. It looks like it has foreign objects in there.” Haha, better put downs than Simon Cowell, that’s fo sho. Anyway, Mo and Sara win. Then he sits about jiggling his leg asking Nicole for a cuddle. EVIL. BB Rodney gives Mo and Sara spoon trophies. “I am speechless,” says Mo. They get booooooooooooooze as a reward.

OOOH. A vote reading is taking place right now. Hoorah. Who is your money on? But before that, the last bit of yesterday’s highlights. Rachel tells Rex she nominated him last week because she didn’t like the way he was with Nicole. So, of course, he gets really irate and tries to be offensive by calling her a “dreamer”. How disgusting. Then  Darnell sings a sex song into Sara’s ear and dances on her bum. Rex asks Mikey if he think he’ll win. LET’S HOPE NOT.

And, in an hour, we will know.