(Not) Everybody Loves Darnell. And Rex. And Sara. And…
Gosh, Mikey’s blanket is lovely and brown, isn’t it? It looks ever so comfy. Darnell is fascinated by what people – specifically, blind Mikey, who is untouchable due to his “milking” (Darnell’s word) of his blindness – can get away with saying to other people. Well, aren’t we all, Darnell? I have to question how Mikey is still here, how he’s the odds-on favourite with every single bookies in the land to win.
So, Rex reads out a Big Brother missive saying that they will all be dressing up as each other and, essentially, engaging in one gigantic mocking session for the rest of the day. The Darnell Piss-Take hour is up first, and the housemates all get shirts with DON’T LABEL ME on them, and short blonde afro wigs. This can only end really well, right? (We know how it ends: it ends with a surprise eviction, and floods of tears. Oh, boo hoo hoo.) So, in imitating Darnell, everyone shouts and rants and sings Cookie Love – I haven’t heard Dem Girlz yet, but I live in hope – and Kat’s impression is littered with wonderfully evocative swearing. Darnell runs around and acts weird, like a psychiatrist talking to himself, watching himself out of his body. “I learned that I have a big bad potty mouth,” Darnell says. No shit.
Impersonations of Mikey include goggles to make them blind, leopard-print jackets and blind sticks. During the impersonations, Mikey rolls around on the floor, and Rex mocks Mikey for fancying Rachel, which he clearly does. Everyone shouts “For fuck’s sake!” and bumps into things on purpose, and then Mikey goes into the garden and seems to have a fit, collapsing with laughter. Don’t know how he can see then to find them so funny: he’s blind, remember?
Next up: Katreya impressions. Everyone sings “Happy House” over and over, and Darnell does a very witty impression that makes her sound crack addled. It’s a pretty single-levelled impression, but she’s an easy character. As is Rex. Everyone wears lovely white tracksuits and ginger wigs and blind and talks about how much money they have and how many restaurants they own. Oh, and Nicole. And cigarettes. And the cost of trousers. Rex is surprised that he always puts a price to things. “I suppose I am quite materialistic,” he says. “What sparkles makes me happy.” Which doesn’t explain Nicole. He’s annoyed at the ginger wigs. Huh.
Oh, Rachel. The Sun described her, today, as WELSH BEAUTY. Really? Really?? To impersonate her everyone talks softly and sits quietly and doesn’t do anything. Mikey throws chickpeas everywhere, which is just idiotic, and isn’t something that Rachel has ever done. As Rex says, it isn’t like he has to clean it up. Anyway, whilst impersonating Mo Mohammed the housemates get to listen to and sing along to Meatloaf. Now, we viewers know this is the moment that the eviction happens. It’s lovely to see them having such a good time. Their faces when the eviction is revealed is priceless! So, we’ve seen this: Bye Mo! I’ll forget about you pretty quickly! Darnell cries and apologises for nothing and then swats at a chair. And then he has to run to the loo to dry his face with toilet paper! Bless him. I like him again today. How will he react when Kat is booted? We’re about to see.
“Enough Big Brother enough, please,” says Kat, and then her names gets announced. “Please, no Big Brother, no,” weeps Rachel, like Kat is being sent off to be hanged. We should hang the contestants, actually. The winner gets some money, the losers a brutal form of corporal punishment. Darnell, for his part, sits on the floor and weeps. This is how they were at Auschwitz, you know? It’s very similar, and utterly comparable in terms of emotional resonance. Years from now people will visit this studio, stand in the middle, listen to the silence and the sounds of the ghosts and just thank God that they never had to go through anything like this for themselves. “I swear on my mother’s life I love you, Kat,” Darnell says, which is quaintly touching, actually. Everything else about this has been utterly pathetic. It isn’t until she goes that we see what they are really worried about: “Even Kat gets fucking boos!” says Rex, and that’s the crux of their real emotions: how far this goes for themselves.
“Who would have thought this combination, guys?” asks Mikey, about the final 5, and I have to agree with him. Never would have called this week 1. “I’m shocked Rachel out-did Katreya,” says Rex. So are the rest of us, Rex. Suddenly the housemates all realise that they could win this, and the talk turns to money. “Some people didn’t come in to win,” says MIkey, suggesting that he didn’t, but he’s lying. You do only go on BB to win, whether you say that or not. It’s a gameshow, lest we forget. Oh, it’s time for the Sara impersonation task… But we don’t get to see any of it. Not a jot, apart from the remnants of the costume – a black dress. Instead, we see them eating doughnuts which look delicious.
Darnell has a heart to heart with Sara, feels bad for hyping her to thinking she might win, and manages to get a hug out of it. Good one, D. Rachel, who is suffering PTSD apparently, sits in the Diary Room and talks about Kat leaving. “Why am I still here when she’s gone?” Apparently, she’s a mother who lost her child too soon in a made-for-TV movie. Well done Rachel. Rex has decided he’s going to entertain to win this, as he “owes it to the public.” You don’t have to owe me anything, Rex: Feel free to kill yourself now, and we’ll call it quits. Darnell is the happiest he’s ever been in the house due to this: “I don’t need no money, dude,” he says to Rex, “people like me.”
Two days to go. Two more days. Two more days.
