One More Day to Go, One More Day of Sorrow

Can you believe it? Just one day left. And god, it’s been a slog. Do you think this series has been the worst ever? Most people I have spoken to think so, although some have said they’ve still enjoyed watching it, even though they don’t like the housemates. These latter people clearly have no idea about the purpose of Big Brother. Rachel is crying in the bedroom because Kat has gone. It is sad, I know – Kat was very upset, which was upsetting in itself – but still. Get on with it, like. Well, Rex hasn’t enjoyed being a housemate. Oh dear! Pity you’re in the final, then! Rex tells Mikey and Rachel his hair is strawberry blond, which I think it is. “Strawberry blond my dick!” says Darnell.

Then BB plays crowd noise into the house “on a whim”, according to Marcus. “If I go, don’t pack shit,” says Darnell. “I didn’t even took a shower yet, you pricks!” says Darnell, like a true American. Then BB speaks. “Darnell, please stand up. Michael, please stand up. Rachel, please stand up. Rex, please stand up. Sara, please stand up… You are the remaining five housemates. BB would like to congratulate you and wish you luck for the final.” Hm. There was great wit in that, right? Sara screams a lot. “That was cruel!”

Now they have a task. They have to perform a rap about their time in the house. If they pass, they will be allowed to watch one full episode of this year’s series. They’ll probably be bored to sleep, but maybe that’s the idea. “Try to get into the groove of it,” Mikey advises Rachel, unhelpfully. Then he starts going on about “Mr Fishy”, though I have idea why. Sara’s rap practice is hirarious, and better than her singing by quite some way. (I always remember Rex asking her what put men off most about her. “Is it the voice?” he said. I laughed for about an hour.) Anyway, Darnell’s rap is really good, of course. Rex is really getting into it. “House full of cookie love, house full of baddy Bs” is the refrain (what is a baddy B?). Oh god, Rachel’s rap makes me want to cry. “As I walked into the Big Brother house I felt as lucky as a mouse.” Hm. Mikey’s is weird: he just shouts and goes on about “someone trying to murder me”. I am looking forward to Sara’s. It is so funny. She is off beat, her voice like a terrible, horrific foghorn. “I was not a happy camper!” she shouts, several times. Rex starts off really well, sounding like he’s doing a hirarious Will Smith impression, but then loses it in the middle.

Later, Sara asks Rex what happens at the final. She clearly, out of all of them, has not watched much or any Big Brother before. “It was hard today, this morning, waking up,” says Rachel in the diary room, still going on about missing Kat. Anyway, they pass the rap task, which means that they are allowed to watch an episode of BB. They pick from three episodes: when they enter the house, when they do the shock task, or when they do the cops and robbers task. Cops and robbers wins. I remember that episode. Oh yes. With Dale sneaking about with the token. Anyway, they are given fizzy  drinks and the episode comes on. Stu and Luke are being mean about Rachel. She looks confused, but laughs. Then the line-up with Nicole comes on. “So beautiful,” says Rex, as she appears. Rex nearly cries as he watches himself go on about Nicole in the diary room. “That’s amazing,” says Rex, as the episode comes to a close. Was it? Well, it wasn’t that interesting, watching them watch it. “That was the bomb!” yells Darnell.

“I don’t look very good on camera,” says Rex. “I don’t think I do, either,” says Sara. “I can’t wait to fix myself up.” I don’t know what she’s referring to – maybe Darnell’s comments about her having “small titties” have been playing on her mind. Rex opens his vintage champagne outside, while Mikey eats a Flake in bed. “I’m so glad to have made it to the end,” says Rachel. YES, I BET. She don’t deserve it, no doubt. Darnell rolls about under a blanket with Sara while singing The Automatic but changing the words to “is it a swallow”, which I think is dubious. “You should feel very good, leaving here,” says Darnell. “You’re clumsy as fuck, you can’t sing at all…” but Rex cuts him up by flapping the blanket. “There is spooning going on!” shouts Rex. Later, Darnell tries to do an impression of Geordie Marcus, but fails. Then Darnell examines Sara’s nails. “Can you guys stop being weird?” says Rex. THEN DARNELL SINGS DEM GIRLS. You remember Dem Girls, right? It’s amazing. Sara seems happy. “Ooh. I’m going to bed,” she says, which sounds dodgy. Then they hug. Darnell looks very happy. “You  two are weird,” Rex says. “Any time you have a drink you’re all over each other,” he says.

In the diary room, Mikey says “Next week, I won’t be on TV.” He seems to think every episode is full of “excitement”, which is clearly a joke. Darnell and Rex are talking about Sara. “I’ve been with Sara so long now that I’m comfortable,” says Darnell, as if they were married. “Keep it as friends,” advises Rex, master of relationships. (This is a joke, too.)  HO! SO ONLY ONE DAY TO GO! WHO WINS? Please not Mikey. For all our sakes.