Death! Warbles! Snogging! It Can Only Be the X Factor Update!

Well, apparently we are in Glasgow tonight, although I know that the whole show as we see it tonight will be from all over the place, as that’s just how they do in X Factor land. Do you find that odd, too? Why pretend just to do auditions from one place at a time? It’s OK to move around, you know! Just tell us, that’s all. Anyway, comparisons to Leon and whether Scotland can deliver the goods again are rife. Well, looking at Leon’s illustrious career so far, I’m guessing so. First up for audition in the show, we have Suzanne Gay, who is a bad singer and is confused by her own choice of song. She is nasal and warbly and her accent mutates words. I will make no jokes about her name, as that’s not fair, right? Anyway, she doesn’t get through. We see a selection of melded clips showing bad auditions, including one by a 64-year old guy who calls himself Stirling Sinatra. He looks like an elderly Billy from Eastenders, and if you could imagine Billy singing, I think it might sound a bit like that. Two shiny ladies in tartan hats sing Cascada, to four “no”s. A ginger lad does awful breakdance-style thrusts to Pink (or, to quote her real name, P!nk), and also gets a no. Now look! Another old geezer, who is 81, called Peter. Do you know what’s coming? Yes, I think you do. He thinks he’s auditioning for Britain’s Got Talent. He plays the spoons and does a weird version of I’m Singing in the Rain. Anyway, Simon seems quite scared by the noise of the spoons, and cowers behind his hand.  It is his Kryptonite! I will remember that if I ever get inadvertently criticised by Simon Cowell. I must always remember to keep two spoons in my pockets at all times, just in case. Oh, and the spoon guy doesn’t get through.

And now in is a young lad called Ricky (oh sorry – RIKKI), wearing a cap, channelling the Will Young look. Actually, there is some facial similarity bewteen the two. He is 20, but looks and sounds much younger. He sings Black and Gold, which is a song I particularly hate, but it is a good audition, though he over eggs it at the end. He gets a yes, eventually, even though Louis says no. Another yes to another young lad follows, and a sweet girl called Carol. She is a primary school teacher, so if Big Brother is anything to go by, she may yet win the X Factor! High Voltage, an overly styled girl band, also get through. “You look too groomed, and no cool… No girls will like them,” says Simon, which makes me laugh given what I’ve just written. It should be me in that chair!

Following on from this, three sisters who have seen better days and look like they are recovering from some illness/addiction/traumatic life experience audition. “What do you have that other bands don’t have?” asks Simon. “Age,” they say, without a hint of irony. They are also called Mums on the Run, which is hateful. They sing Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, which is ridiculous. “It was atrocious. The worst group in Scotland.” says Simon. “That’s an exaggeration,” they say. Have they not watched the show before? Oh, next is a prison officer called Kirsty, who seems like a nice enough lady. “Does singing help you escape from it?” asks Dermot. Well, we could all answer for her, couldn’t we. She tells Simon her work is on a men’s wing. “I bet they LOVE you,” he says, with eyes like saucers. Her voice is passable, but needs refining. “You have very little control of your voice,” says Simon, which makes me feel brilliant and even more like I should be an X Factor judge. Anyway, she gets through.

No longer in Glasgow now, although I’m not sure where we are because I was getting a drink and I don’t know if Dermot said. 17-year-old Joelle Moses is next on the list. She’s special because she’s trained herself to sing using books and CDs. So special. She looks at the floor and seems embarrassed with her song choice of Whitney, but crikey, she’s got a voice. A very loud one. Again, she is quite unrefined, but I suspect some good coaching could perk it up. She gets through. “Love that girl,” says Simon, a bit evilly, as she leaves. Now another husband and wife duo, called HARDWEARING! Oh, mercy. Will they be as good as the Russian lady and lanky man of last week? Well, he is a professional singer, so perhaps. They sing Celine Dion, of course. It’s melodramatic and sickening, with silly acting and watery singing. They kiss in the middle of it, also, which is just horrific. “That was very steamy!” says Simon, as all the judges say no.

Oh, now Dermot has told me it’s “Auditions continuing across the country”, so why they have gone on about being in Scotland today, I don’t know. A leggy model comes in and does a rude dance, and doesn’t get through. A 55-year-old woman, called Jazz, does not get in either, despite her evil dancing. There is a montage of inappropriate stuff, with Cheryl and Simon perving over different contestants, including a hunky young guy who Cheryl wants to marry for magazine sales put through, and who does get through. Now a guy called Ashwin, who is really weird, tries to chat Cheryl and Dannii up, and fails, then sings King of the Road. “It was just very, very average,” says Louis. “I don’t understand,” he replies. “No one would pay to see you perform.” “Your loss, not mine!” he says, as he storms out. “One day Simon will be coming to kiss my shoes for a job!” he tells Dermot.

Now another montage. A girl group called EFX, who sing Something Kinda Ooh, an older man who wants to be like Barbara Streisand, called Yingjung, and another girl group called Stance, who really blast it out, all get through. Finally, it is our sob story for the evening. A father of three, called Daniel ‘Danny’ Evans, has realised that life is too short, and he wants to give it a try for his family. It’s not really a great sob story, as it goes, but then we find out that his wife died whilst in childbed. OF COURSE. Cheryl is crying before he even begins to sing. His voice isn’t that good, but you know it won’t matter! Louis, Cheryl (who is by now crying so much she can’t really speak), Simon and Dannii all say yes. SOME PEOPLE WAIT A LIFETIME FOR A MOMENT LIKE THIS! “I feel like he was singing it to his wife,” says Cheryl, after he’s apologised for upsetting her. Oh, well, the magic, yeah? And it all continues next week. Can’t wait.