Lo and Behold: More X-Traneous Acts!

Cheryl Tweedy (I’m bringing this back already as, let’s face it, it’s just a matter of time, rite?) has an awesome dog. He wees on a carpet, and to tell him off Cheryl puts her finger on him and gently chastises him! That’ll work.

The first contestant up is a 17 year old spotty blingy chancer who looks like Kevin Federline and thinks he sounds like Justin Timberlake. He is a void of personality. When he sings, I swear there is a trail of dribble out of the side of his mouth. He sings YOU RAISE ME UP and makes it sound like a hymn. Ughh. Louis feigns sleep. And so say we all!

Next up, The Man Band. See what they did there? They sing Like A Prayer in a not-great barbershop style. It’s fun, a bit, and gimmicky, but far more Britain’s Got Talent than X-Factor. Come back in three months, lads! 4 No Votes, but there you go. And now, Do’s and Don’ts! Simon suggests that you shouldn’t listen to your parents, shouldn’t listen to Louis, and you shouldn’t walk in singing a shit song. That really annoys him, apparently. 

Billy Howard, 21, is a plastic bag printer. He apparently dances like MC Hammer, but it actually looks more like a bit of a funny spasmy shuffle. He’s a bit Daniel Beddingfield. he visits the judges, sings and he actually sounds a bit like Beddingfield as well! Only out of tune! HUZZAH! Next up, Presentiators, and Holly cannot spell a word. Here’s her version, see if you can guess what word it is: Rythem. She provides a terrifying display of our schools system. Next up, Joseph, a boy who looks a bit like Ashley Cole and makes Cheryl and Holly knock kneed. He, again, has a dark hole where his soul should be, just absolutely bereft of personality, but that’s life. 

Louis steals towels, apparently. I’d believe it. Apparently there are lots of Rhydian copyists this year, which is a shame. Danni teaches Holly to make noises that, I swear, sound just like the noises that my dog makes. Next up is Amy Hargreaves, who was on last week’s main show. I DON’T KNOW, REPETITION OF PEOPLE. She sings The Power Of Love. She’s pretty good. I don’t know what else you want me to say. She’s alright. A bit foghorny. She gets 4 Yes votes. There’s a lovely video of Simon and Louis having a bicker. I find their friendship utterly charming. “It brightens up the day,” Louis says of the arguments. 

Ooh! Forfeit! 4 girls from Leeds, and they are all “fit”, apparently. Get it? Subtle joke. “It were either Forfeit or Forskin.” One of them tells a story about how she pissed in a vodka bottle in the car on the way down. They are dressed in awful outfits, like ballet-dancing whores. They sound like drunk witches, and sing the theme from Fame, but put no enthusiasm into the FAME! bit. Then they jump a little bit. It’s amazing. I would buy their album. Simon thinks it’s the worst girl group he’s seen all year, but he’s wrong, what does he know, I’ll show him etc etc. They are clearly some friends who did this for a fun, the dirty chancers. I reckon, between them, there’s 7 STDs. That bottle one of them pissed in? Sitting in their car still, getting warm. 

Louis is hungover, apparently. Next to him in a lounge sits a very pretty young man with frosted hair. Yumm, eh Louis? Next up, Richard Pembroke. He looks like a back-room I.T guy who works for your local Post Office. You know the sort. A bit mole-y. He’s a rock God, apparently. Oh, wait: he’s singing and he’s not. What a shocker. He sings like a back-room I.T guy who works for your local Post Office. On holiday. In Magalooof. With people who say they are his friends but only like him because he buys them beers and makes them look good. 

Do’s and Don’ts Part 2: Don’t suck up to Simon, says Cheryl. Holly makes that Mrs Merton joke that she made to Debbie Daniels. You know the one. Cheryl finds it really funny. Don’t come across as arrogant. Do say you like Girls Aloud, apparently. Do some dancing. The usual. And, from that, here comes somebody from Belfast. We don’t know his name yet, but he’s got a silly half-beard thing. Apparently he’s met Louis a few times. “Will he recognise you?” asks Holly. “Yes,” he says, “I should think so.” Maybe he’s only ever seen you from the back? (Because this Irish rogue – Connor, apparently – used to support Westlife on tour. Louis would watch from the back of the stage. Also, he f’d him the a.) Simon points out that he and Louis have the same haircut. They do. He oversings, but he’s alright. He sings the George Michael song DON’T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME. Apparently he is dressed too much like a popstar, and it distracts Simon and Cheryl. Holly sends him to have a shave. He does. 

Louis’ limerick this week concerns how lovely he thinks Holly is. He doesn’t write them himself, you know.