DON’T DO JOKE TO ME.

Is it just me, or do you hate it also when the HMs sleep under bare duvets and pillows with no covers or cases? It’s a bit…scratty. It also seems a bit oddly unhygienic. Most of the HMs are lolling in the bedroom being mean about Freddie, and saying that Noirin flirts too much. And in the garden, Marcus is annoyed that he has had no hugs from Noirin. And Lisa sings Heartbreaker at her.I am the only person in the WORLD who doesn’t fancy Noirin.

Now they have a crash test dummy task. Lisa is the safety ambassador for the task. The rest are split into three teams, including Kris, Freddie and Sophie in one. And then Kris and Karly moan about Freddie a bit. YOU ARE SO BORING. SHUT UP. Kris has massive jug ears that pop out when he’s in the shower. He is also really orange. He is sitting, topless, in the dairy room, still moaning about Freddie. Anyway, then the task begins. Dressed in neon unitards, they fling each other down a runway on rollerskates, hitting a padded wall. It should be funny, but… It just isn’t. It’s ust a bit irksome. One of those things you watch and think either, I could do that better, or haven’t they got anything better to do? Freddie, Kris and Sophie’s team wins, and will have a party and a chance to win tokens later.

Marcus and Noirin have a conversation about the other conversation they had about him fancying her, between cooking a roast together. (This is not a euphemism.) He thinks he’s done something wrong. ‘I don’t want people to think I’m a mickey-teaser,’ she says. MICKEY? Is this an Oirish word for penis? Is that what Marcus calls his own? Have I missed something? Noirin and Lisa seem to be friends, all of a sudden. This is not a good move for Noirin. Lisa is obviously going to shit stir about Marcus, which she does. Also, Karly and Charlie don’t like roast potatoes. How can anyone ever not like roast potatoes?

Kris, Sophie and Freddie’s party begins. But there’s a catch. To win tokens, they must dance non-stop for an hour, whilst constantly eating burgers and chips, and drinking lager. Lisa has to watch them. Some hardcore rave-style choon is piped in, and Freddie does frightening dancing and noises. then the task finishes, and they win 5 tokens. Then Freddie throws up in the bog. Outside, Karly is dressed like an 80s streetwalker. Why? To consume her roast dinner and mash? She and Noirin talk about men. Karly thinks Kris is the most attractive, and Noirin thinks it’s Charlie, though neither of them ‘think of them like that.’ Whatevs. Later, Freddie goes to bed and ties a scarf around his eyes, and Kris has a lie down.

In the garden, Charlie and Rodrigo assault each other in the grass. I love Rodrigo, but his association with Charlie upsets me a bit. (If you were wondering, Big Bother is written by a few people, and I am the one who doesn’t like their relationship.) ‘He speaks too much. He turns me off,’ Rodrigo says of him. In the bedroom, Rod goes on about the fact that he is the only one who gives back the things Charlie says or does to everyone else. Charlie says he needs to grow up. These arguments are weird and circular. Nothing much is said, and what is said in on repeat, with a strange undertone. ‘Don’t do jokes to me,’ Rod says. Then Lisa gets involved a bit and they both get angry (not with Lisa, unfortunately). And Charlie says Rod’s a freak, and Rod asks if it’s because he’s from a different country and doesn’t speak English properly.  ’Don’t play the race card!’ says Charlie. Rod calls him a clown. Lisa urges them to separate. Blah. Finally, Charlie, Lisa and Karly go outside to bitch about Rod, and Marcus and Siavash sit in the main house talking about Noirin ‘missing her ex’. When he has goes to bed, Siavash warns Noirin that he is ‘another Sree’.

Please. Sort this out, powers-that-BB. New housemates, or else. I don’t want this to be the ‘Everyone-fancies-Noirin-and-hates-Freddie-and-Rodrigo-has-a-temper-Show’ forever.