If I Go, I Go. If I Stay, I’ll Have Fish And Chips.
Warning! This post contains marginally more swearing than usual.
Sophie looks fucking miserable today. Lisa and Karly cheer her up by taking the piss out of Marcus. Marcus, incidentally, is in the diary room, suggesting that Noirin, who is currently sweeping the floor, has the X Factor. She doesn’t: She’s got some crazy pheremone thing that makes people turn into cocks. They all do. Marcus has become almost unbearable. “I’m Captain Cool?” Captain C*nt, more like.
Look, I suspect that this will be a tirade, so don’t read on if you even remotely care about any of the housemates, aside from Rodrigo. Rodrigo can’t inspire hate, can he? Even yesterday, when he was upset about a slightly peeling chair, I just wanted to smooth his head over, shush him, poor lamb. The rest of them? The only way I would shush them is by sticking something in their tea. Aside from Freddie. He’s so farcical, and so 1998, you know? His shirts, his beard, the beady necklace; it would be pathetic, if it wasn’t so nearly-charming. He laughs in the diary room about Lisa’s gang and the scheming, but it’s a very forced laughter.
Sophie – “The Happy Dog, on your hands and knees,” as Rodrigo calls her – is going to reset her life in the house, apparently. Because Kris died, remember? OH NO WAIT. He got evicted for being a twat, so, really, why cry? I wouldn’t. (What shop does Kris work for, btw? Does anybody know? I’ll bet it’s Dorothy Perkins. He strikes me as the sort of man that would LOVE DP.) Marcus then bleats on about how much he loves Noirin. Is he fucking mental? She’s clearly not interested, and told him so. I hate her, but, honestly Marcus, you’re punching WELL above your weight there. (Here at BB towers, we’ve just been discussing Noirin, and came to the conclusion that she is a Cunny, or, perhaps, a Quim. Make of that what you will.) He tells Freddie all about how he stared at Noirin’s bum earlier in the day. I mean, really, is this worth talking about? “On the outside I say Never chase buses or women, as you get left behind. Well, she can’t run away in here,” Marcus says. I think he’s suggesting that he could kidnap and sex-slave her. It’s all a bit rapey. POLICE!
Apparently, Freddie constantly throws the best parties of all time. I suspect it’s easy when you have a house with 30 bedrooms. ANYWAY that’s not important. In the bedroom, Noirin has undone her bra to let Marcus paint her back. She’s dreadful, leading him on horrifically. Public, I hope you get her out as soon as you can. She’s horrid. Marcus talks about how he’s been watching her for a month or something, and how he “released some pressure in the living room,” which I think means that he had a wank or something. “What are your favourite attributes of me?” he asks her. “Loyal, friendly, manly,” she says. He asks her again if she could have feelings for him, and she says no. This is really pathetic now. He’ll watch this and hate himself. I would.
A spider appears in the kitchen. Sophie screams, and then Siavash howls like he’s the fucking devil itself, climbing on the work surface and gasping for air. It’s the funniest thing to happen all day. OH NOES WAIT back to Marcus painting Noirin’s back. “I’d leave if you weren’t here,” he says. “I’m chasing you instead of chasing a ball around.”
Incidentally, I wonder what proportion of this episode Marcus has spent with an erection? Marcus has painted a lioness chasing a gazelle on her back, but Noirin thinks that it’s a Lion chasing a rabbit. If I were Marcus and I wanted to spell out my intentions explicitly, I would have painted a wolf with sideburns fucking an Irish rabbit on a lawn with peeling chairs and a crying kitten standing at the back, but that’s just me.
