The Kat’s Out of the Bag, and Greedy Mo has Eaten It.

The two people going tonight, as you may know, are the people who have the least votes to win so far. So, first of all, Davina tells us that Mo is going, as the housemates hold hands in their afro wigs and white dressing gowns. The look terribly shocked. The girls are crying and Mo is given no time to do anything much as Davina comes to get him. Mo is crying now, and Darnell. Luckily, Mo was not dressed up (almost as if it had been planned. Hm) as he leaves. (Davina has also helpfully said that the housemates have been impersonating each other, hence the wigs.) Mo gets a lot of cheers, actually, though of course there are many boos. He throws off his dressing gown and runs down the stairs. He looks a bit baffled. I think you’d almost feel a bit cheated if you were evicted without warning like this, but then again there are only three days left of BB, and I don’t really know what they were all expecting.

Anyway, now for Mo’s interview. "That was really tough," says Davina. "Darnell is calling BB a dickhead for evicting you at a party." Although he apparently thought that a mid-week eviction was possible. "I can’t even speak!" he says. "It must be quite annoying [to notbe in the final]" says Davina, to his saddened silence. He also thinks the "greedy Mo" nickname is unfair. Then there is a reel of stuff about him eating, which of course, no one else does, and yeah, he does look a bit greedy. He also admits he saw the BB psychologist about being greedy. He also gets asked, oddly, about Darnell and Rex’s mean comments to Sara, which he did notthink was bullying. "You kind of joined in," says Davina. Then she asks him what he thinks about Kat. "She’s happy at all occasions." Rachel? "Is she real?" "I don’t know what to say." Then he says something about her bum, which makes me feel a bit sick. He thinks Rex is better without Nicole. Yeah. "Why do people forgive him?" "They genuinely like him," Mo says. She asks him who he thinks is going next, and he thinks Sara, but he’s so wrong. Plus he wants Darnell or Kat to win. Well, Kat has a chance, I guess. UGH, his best bits relive him eating the bogey. In my heart, I hope that is why he has gone.

And now for the next head to roll. Darnell throws off his wig as Davina calls their names. Rex is laughing, with nerves, I’d guess. And Kat goes. Seriously, WTF? I actually can’t get over this. Rachel is sobbing. I am quite appalled, actually. The sobs and the disbelief of all the other housemates makes this horribly spectacular. Darnell is very upset. "I swear on my mother’s life I love you," he says, which makes me want to cry a bit because I am a twat. Kat sings happy house as she goes up the stairs, and she sounds broken. She gets some cheers but the boos are louder, and she can’t stop crying. She is waving and crying. It’s awful. Davina gives her a big hug. As Davina notes, she has no make-up on, and she is dressed as Mo, and she is doing press photos. "This is not how she’d have imagined her eviction," Davina says. I can’t believe there are actually people who aren’t friends with or related to Rachel voting for her. The world is a weird and scary place, eh?

Anyway, Kat’s interview. Um, well, she is obviously very hyped and upset, so I don’t really get a ,otof the opening of what Kat says. But she was happy with her reception. "I just like English Marmite. Sometime you can love me, sometime you can hate me." Then she sings some more of happy house. Then there are clips of Kat having sad times in the house, which is upsetting. She says she is pleased to have survived so many evictions and to have been accepted by Britain. "The housemates all thought you were going to win," says Davina. Kat says Rex’s rudeness is a joke, which is a dirty lie. She says she fell out with Darnell because she loves him too much. Then there is a bit about her and Rachel. Who is voting for Rachel over Kat? Kat is sobbing again because she loves Rachel so much. Davina wipes away her tears and Kat thanks her with prayer hands. Then Kat sings If you’re Happy and you Know It. Who does Kat want to win? Rachel. She gets cheered. Harrumph.

So, who is going to win? I am starting to think it’s anyone’s guess.

Master ARGH my computer died, and the eviction’s not till later

What’s this I spy coming towards me this evening? It’s an eviction. Because, you know, as a series gets older, it starts to do strange things in the night. That was an erection joke, by the way. I’m sorry. Because the housemates don’t know, Davina has to stand in silence as she goes on about DEs (double evictions – a penetrations joke!). The housemates inside are all wearing long black wigs, although we have not yet been enlightened as to why.

So, the highlights of yesterday begin with an argument about cigarettes. Mo took more than both Sara and Rex, and now Sara has none. “You’re greedy, Mo,” says Sara. “Yeah, I’m greedy,” he says, and runs round doing a weird dance. “It took you eighty something days to say it… Yeah, I’m greedy.” But the argument dissipates a little, and then Sara goes to make morning coffees and has to ask Mo how sugar cubes work, and it’s all OK. Then Mikey walks around in Sara’s sleeping mask which the boys find fascinating because it’s from Ann Summers. “Are you into bondage?” Rex asks her. Do you know what I’m thinking? I think you do.

In the diary room, Rachel goes on about how much she likes Disney, so she is not offended by being called a Disney character. Good. Then she comes out and sings the Beauty and the Beast theme tune while Mo sleeps. Then Mo wants some nail polish and Darnell gets stung by a wasp. Why? Because wasps are spiteful.

As we cut back to the housemates, they are all wearing Afro wigs and Kat appears to be blacking up. I really wish I knew what was going on. I also hope Kat doesn’t get evicted tonight as who would want to leave with greasepaint all over them? Anyway, back to yesterday. Rex is doing a cookery masterclass for the housemates, and he must teach them to cook steak and souffle (in pairs). His instructions are remarkably clear, although he gets irate when other housemates talk over him. Sara finds the word ‘blanch’ hirarious. “What branch mean?” asks Kat. Oh dear. Anyway, Mo and Sara’s food looks very nice indeed. Rex says it’s “perfect” and is impressed, which means it must be bloody good, I reckon. Darnell and Kat’s looks dodgy. “He look like he very impressed!” says Kat, sarcastically. “Your mash is lumpy. It looks like it has foreign objects in there.” Haha, better put downs than Simon Cowell, that’s fo sho. Anyway, Mo and Sara win. Then he sits about jiggling his leg asking Nicole for a cuddle. EVIL. BB Rodney gives Mo and Sara spoon trophies. “I am speechless,” says Mo. They get booooooooooooooze as a reward.

OOOH. A vote reading is taking place right now. Hoorah. Who is your money on? But before that, the last bit of yesterday’s highlights. Rachel tells Rex she nominated him last week because she didn’t like the way he was with Nicole. So, of course, he gets really irate and tries to be offensive by calling her a “dreamer”. How disgusting. Then  Darnell sings a sex song into Sara’s ear and dances on her bum. Rex asks Mikey if he think he’ll win. LET’S HOPE NOT.

And, in an hour, we will know.

Something I Knocked Out Whilst Watching Today’s BB.

Katreya and Rex have discussion today

About Sara’s job, which is of PA,

“I could not do it!” Young Kat then proclaims,

And Rex likens cooking to flying large planes.

Then Rex and Sara put lit cigs in their lips,

And Sara makes a big Freudian slip,

“Oh Stuart,” she says, when Darnell was meant,

And then she worries her love life is spent.

In the posh bedroom blind Mikey sings Drury,

And Rachel sings too, but sounds very dreary,

Whilst in the lounge, house head Mo has naps,

And blames it on Rex when BB attacks.  

“Get off of your bed!” Mo shouts at blind Mikey,

“What a shit head of house,” yells Sara, “and Crikey! 

To be head of house is something I crave!

And all I must do is act like a slave!”

Alongside Thai Kat they must wear uniforms,

And do everything with no glimpse of scorn,

And wait on the others not dressed as French Maids,

With no pension plan, and no penny of pay.

Kat covers the chicken in gluttons of salt,

Pouring and pouring, but it’s not her fault,

She isn’t a chef! She only likes cookies!

(And, looking at her, between the legs nookie!)

Now ex-head of house all give little speeches,

And Rex’s insults Mo Mohammed, impeaches

His reign as the head, and calls him so greedy,

But Mo as we know is just very needy,

He takes food as replacement for starving affections,

And nobody listens when he makes reparations.

Rachel, the teacher, discuss the leaves,

And how little spiders use them as reprieve 

From the terrible rain that’s pouring outside, 

And onto the astroturf Darnell changes the tide,

By pouring fairy liquid all over the place,

It bubble and froths and Rex nudges his face

With a brush that is then used to froth up the fairy,

Till D jumps in the pool, a little bit lairy.

“Your Mic!” they all cry, and Darnell swears a bit,

“I forgot it was on! Oh big balls! Oh big shit!”

So he’s called to the Diary Room for a strict telling off,

And he acts all blase, like “So what, dude, just f*ck off!”

He goes to the bathroom for a bit of fake tan,

Agreeing to do it when Sara gets her hands

All over his buttocks, all over his bum,

“I might get an erection if I’m having fun!” 

It looks like they’re smearing his backside with poo,

Which is somewhat reversed, just mildly askew,

But nobody’s willing to rub in his crack,

And really, who blames them? Who knows what they’d catch?

“Did you not get your sack done?” asks Mikey the perve

“You’re a real black man now!” he follows, with nerve.

All ex-heads of house gather in BB’s room,

And Sara and Kat wonder if this spells gloom,

That maybe somebody is getting evicted,

And Sara is convinced it’s her, that she’s picked it,

So when Rex reappears and says “We can’t say a word,”

Sara’s so nervous and near drops a turd. 

Then Kat and Darnell have a fight, causing friction

About Darnell’s putting Kat up for fake eviction,

She stands in the doorway and cries like Blair Witch

And Darnell lies on the sofa and has a good bitch.

“I’ve killed myself enough!” he shouts, melodramatic

“Fuck this shit,” he yells, and Kat cries, it’s tragic.

“I see this as Kat making me look real bad,

She’s playing a game, and I’m out, I’ve been had,” 

D shouts at BB, “She’s really so clever,

I can’t win against her, not today, not ever!”

I don’t think it’s her though, young Darnell, old buddy,

I think it’s the fact that you acted so cruddy,

To Sara – remember? – a few days ago,

But it’s nice to have excuses to soften the blow.

Feek of Nature

Day 87! Less than a week left! Excited? Rex isn’t. He is sleeping in the day, and disrespecting Mo being head of house. “I don’t really like you anymore, Kat,” says Rex. Is he joking? Ach, who gives one, right? Rex describes the mood in the house as good. Why shouldn’t it be? It’s the final week! Rex is also interested in Darnell and Sara, so BB powers that be cut to them making inadvertent double entendres in the bedroom. “She leads him on,” says Rex. Is this true? My instincts say not. Not truly leading him him on in the true sense, as I guess she’s the way she is with all male friends, but to the untrained eye I suppose it’s bad. Mo hates it. He thinks it’s fake. “Darnell’s in the house to get muff,” sings Rex. Id’ like a muff. A big furry one for the winter. What’s wrong? Why are you laughing?

Mo goes to the diary room with food all over his face, which Rex finds hirarious. That’s because it is. He is given instructions to read aloud, and they say that each housemate will be quizzed about each other’s personalities, and describe it in choice words: one negative and two positives. “I don’t know many word at all,” says Kat, which we know is a lie. Later, eating lunch, Rex is still going on about Darnell and Sara. “I’m not a ho, Rex,” Sara interjects. The Rex sees a cloud that looks like Picachu, even though it doesn’t, and it goes no further.

Now Darnell kicks off the personality task. His card is for Mo, so he has 90 seconds to find three words housemates used to describe Mo. “You knows it, let’s get it on,” says Darnell. “Greedy!” He says as the clock starts, “Funny, sweet, caring, loving, sensitive, trust-worthy, silly, cool, good-hearted.” He gets three. Kat picks out her own name from the hat, so has to think of three words relating to herself. “Happy, caring, supportive, animating!” She gets three too. Animating? Oh, animated. In between all this, Sara and Darnell are scaring me a little, holding hands and looming over each other. Hm. Kat is in the pool, singing Postman Pat. Honestly. Anyway, Mikey fails the task. which we don’t see, but now onto Mo, describing Rachel. “Healthy, running, I don’t know… Rachel? Happy? Funny? Squeaky? Confused? Weird? Hello? Kisses ass, Rachel…” I think it’s safe to say he failed. In the pool, Rachel and Mikey are instructed to “bum” each other, and I think I have missed something somewhere. In the diary room, Sara is describing Mikey, and she has to pass to get an award. “I can’t do it! Funny, I can’t think, humorous, cheeky, cool, humorous, smart, smart, calm?” She fails. “You could have had honest, flaky, imaginative, loveable, grumpy, temperamental, and persevering,” says BB.

“I can’t believe we didn’t pass that shit,” says Darnell. “There’s nothing to enjoy. I’m sick of all these chances and missing out.” Rex apparently used “special” as one of his words. No wonder they didn’t pass. He also described Rachel as Disney, and Darnell says he put gullible and naive. Hm, talking about this task is a good idea, eh? Anyway, then the housemates go to bed, but Kat is singing. What is she singing? “Itsy bitsy spider, climbing up the sprout.” “You’re bullying my ears!” Rex says. “Teach me more songs, so I can sing,” she says. “I’ll teach you one,” says Rex. “It goes like this.” And he is silent. “That song is the bomb, say Darnell. Kat goes to the diary room. “In here is a bunch of feek. And I’m a feek.” Good. I’ll sleep on that.

Ariel’s Song – X Factor Update

Oh no. No content with mentals and the plain wrong, X Factor also courts the old (as the competition is open to anyone aged 14 and over). So, here we have Cyril, an 80-year old gent, who appears to be deaf. “You look fantastic,” says Cheryl. “Pardon?” he replies. He sings to the cameras, rather than the judges, but his voice is OK. Just OK, though, mind. His eyes also roll around a bit when he sings, which I don’t like. Of course, they put him through. UGH. He’ll just be dropped after boot camp, that’s the saddest thing about it. A charmless boy, a sixteen year old girl and a badly dressed girl group also get through as a montage. Course, we don’t get to know their names, or anything, because they’re not old, mental or have sob stories. Someone who doesn’t go through is Guylane, a young lady wearing a head scarf and a dungaree dress (honestly), warbles her way through My Heart Will go On, but I know she’ll be onstage soon – at the final, when they wheel out all the misfits who didn’t get through. “I’ve never heard anything like that in my life,” says Simon, which is strange as he’s said that line 104583 times this series already. That’s a lot of new stuff to have heard, Simon.

In Manchester, Diana from Blackburn, a sixteen year old in a rather bad tight top and short skirt combo tells the judges how she likes Damien Rice and does her own rendition of it, complete with little twills and angst. It’s rather forced and I don’t like, but guess who does? All of them. Diana is very saleable (even her name brings it all back), let’s be honest, but there wasn’t much else going on. Ah well. Next, a welder from Worksop, called Colin. He is already working on the movie of his life story, called ‘Colin’. Yesssss. I think I know how the judges will respond to him. He sings Wild One with a jiggly leg dance, as I hide behind a cushion. I bet you all did too, yeah? He doesn’t get through. A lady with a pug doesn’t get through, and neither does a dinner lady, even though she begs Simon. Shame on you, judges. Those were sob stories in themselves. A man brings in a papier mache Simon, and doesn’t even get through. What do these people have to do?

Well, a Blue Coat comes in to try his luck. This sort of thing never goes down well with the judges. He sings You’ll Never Walk Alone, and it’s a bit blah, but he gets through. You know what will go down well though (fnarr)? TWINS. Blonde ones. Young ones. However, their singing is pretty dire. BUT OH, LOOK. They get through anyway. A soldier also gets through. So does 35-year-old Sondelle, though Simon says she looks like she’s in a cornflake commercial. Uh, OK? Two disgustingly hammy gym instructors get through too. A girl with big hair, called Laura, is worried, because she has practised so hard she has strained her voice (or something, I don’t know). Her voice is loud and brash, but it’s quite interesting, I guess. She gets through. Good.

Now here is something horrid. A son and mum combo, called ‘Guilty Pleasure’. No, I shit you not. The son is fat with bad hair, and like a man in drag, and the mum is, well, a mum, really. Their singing isn’t great, either. “You don’t work together as a duo,” says Simon, equivocally. “The way you talk to people is just awful,” says the woman/man with bad hair. Finally, here is be-dreaded Ariel, a ‘holistic vocal coach’ (? Me neither. She’s taught someone from Bullet for My Valentine, apparently). I think she sings something of her own creation… It was weird. “A nightmare,” Simon calls it. “You’re really quite scary,” says Cheryl. She sings a weird song and strops off, escorted by the big security guard. Well. More next week!

My Lady Sets Me Up To Take The Fall.

Hold the phones! Stop all the clocks! Darnell is singing another of his hits. It’s called My Lady, and it features the story of a woman who isn’t self-sufficient, so takes all of his money to go shopping in “the malls”. I predict a hit! And how can I predict this? Because Rex knows someone who own a record label that Darnell really would love. Darnell’s lust for fame has drizzled to the surface this last week, and he’s bursting at the seams. He likens the famousness of the housemates when they leave to that of Jay Z, which is nearly true, if Jay Z were a d-list reality TV star and not the multi-million selling rap-mogul owning husband of Beyonce.

The housemates then do some fake conversations that they might encounter when they leave the house. Mikey wants peanut butter over sex. I hate how he eats peanut butter: I can only assume that he looks truly hideous during the sexual act. In the diary room Rex says that he “really hopes (he) gets a good reaction from the public, that’s all (he) cares about.” I have a feeling that Tuesday will, for Rex, be the worst day of his life. Remember when we all used to like him? I do. 

So, next up, the housemates have to do some cheerleading routines, in two teams – Sara and Lisa. On Lisa’s team, Mikey looks horrendous. He wants there to be a brilliant cheer at the end of their routine where they shout “Sara! You have been evicted!” He waits for the laugh and the rest of his team look upset at that suggestion. TUMBLEWEEDS ETC! It’s actually funny. On the other team, Darnell sings more of his songs, a last minute grab for fame. Lisa’s routines is the worst thing I have ever seen. It’s not dancing: it’s it’s like odd acting and jumping and making – no joke – vaguely sexual noises whilst gurning. Rex shakes his head the whole way through. Sara’s team stand up and do their cheer, which begins – RAP ALBUM STYLE – with a skit about who is leaving BB. The Rex, Mo and Darnell then sing Damn Girl (Not to be confused with Dem Girls, unfortunately), and then Darnell does a rap which features the line “Gonna take you to a Rex-y spot, take you down to a sexy spot.” I see what he did there, but it doesn’t make much sense, unless he’s talking about making dirty on top of one of Rex’s freckles. 

MIKEY IS GIVING A DEMO OF HIS STAND UP! He describes it as toilet humour, very dirty, apparently. His best joke is, “I don’t know if there’s any other blind comedians in the UK, but if there is I’ve not seen them.” Rachel doesn’t get it, so he makes the same joke about the deaf (“I’ve not heard of them”, which doesn’t work nearly as well) and then explains it to Rachel. I wish I were joking. 

Lisa leaves, and Rex tells Kat off for singing. “Attention seeker,” he says, and Kat flips. “I don’t tell you off to stop being arrogant,” she says, “I sing and you arrogant, and angry.” Everyone laughs, and Rachel starts a “GO KAT!” chant that goes nowhere. Whilst Sara is in the diary room Darnell says how happy he is that he’s closer to Sara again, and everyone immediately tells him to back away, don’t fall for her again, and blah blah blah. They then go out to the garden and Sara grabs Darnell and buries his head in her boobs and they flirt and play-kiss a bit and it’s a bit weird. “This is going too far for Darnell,” Rex says inside. “I’ve got so many movies on my laptop,” says Sara, admitting to copyright theft. PRISON IS IN HER FUTURE. Then Sara gets into the pool fully dressed. She’s in a lovely shiny leopard-print top which will be ruined by the chlorine. “Lovely jubbly,” says Kat. In the pool, Darnell and Sara hug and rub each other and sing Don’t Go Breaking My Heart. WHERE IS THIS GOING? THEY ARE SO CLOSE! Sara is rubbing her face against his like a cat! “It’s so warm!” says Darnell, and we have no idea what he is referring to. Possibly the pool? Possibly Sara’s funty.

The housemates then, despite getting worried about the whole Darnell/Sara thing, spur Kat on to run them a bath together. Darnell gets out of the pool with a very clear erection and tucks it twixt his legs, Jame Gumb style. He wanders around the living room hunched over and everyone laughs, and Kat makes hideous noises concerning his member. Then he and Sara jump in the bath together. Darnell then gets out of the bath and walks around and apparently, even an hour later with no action, still has a ‘reccy, sitting on the sofas clutching a towel to himself. That is some staying power, Darnell. I’m almost impressed.

ONLY ONE EXPRESSION.

Lisa gets really cheered! Huzzah! It’s so nice, that she isn’t hated. 

This interview is really, really dull. There’s literally nothing I could report on. Well, there’s bits, I suppose. Apparently Darnell was really jealous of their winning the money. Davina asks about the engagement, and looks at the ring. “What was that like?” asks Davina. “What, having a big ring?” replies Lisa to much laughter that she misunderstood the question, but I am laughing at that for a completely different reason. 

Davina then runs through all of Lisa’s claims to fame from the house (friend discovered DNA, trained hamsters to walk to the fridge, ate 20 sausages in a hot dog etc) and asks her if they are true. Lisa says they all are, and she clearly believes it. Lisa then says that she wants Mikey to win and he gets booed! BOOED! HUZZAH! HE MIGHT NOT WIN!

From now people are voting to win. Darnell gets big boos, Kat gets a mix of boos and cheers, Mikey gets boos and cheers, Mo Mohammed gets huge boos, Rachel gets cheers and boos, Rex gets enormous boos and enormous cheers and Sara gets nothing but cheers. 

Ugh… So, based on that Sara will win. Apparently. Because she was picked on. My guess for the first two to leave – which is on Tuesday – will be Rex and Darnell.

The Albino Singer That Everyone Is Friends With.

According to the bit of text on Sky+, this episode features “highlights from the past 24 hours, including Darnell admitting he has treated some housemates badly.”  

HOLD THE FRAKKING PHONES THERE’S A NEW HEADLINE FOR TOMORROW’S SUN!

I should point out that I know the result prior to writing this, but Sara’s boos are far, far louder than Lisa’s. She’ll surely be evicted, right? WHAT IF AN UPSET OCCURRED? In the house, Mikey and Lisa discuss their noms and how Rex has managed to stay as long as he has, and Darnell cries in the diary room with a talk that is veering so close to suicidal I would honestly be concerned if I were BB. In the living room Rex gets narky about Sara having had too many twos on his cigarettes. Whilst Darnell cries, the housemates speculate that Darnell is walking from the house. “It’s your fault, Sara,” says Rex, “because you embarrassed him so many times.” Then they talk about her like she isn’t even there! This conversation goes on far too long: Sara made Darnell feel bad, apparently, and Darnell is an absolute victim in this situation and Rex shouts at people to shut up loads.

What’s most depressing about this whole thing is that Sara has to run after and be nice to Rex as he is the only one with cigarettes. Oh, and look, Darnell is talking about going home. Big Brother calls Rex into the diary room to remind that, with regards to Sara, his behaviour is being monitored. And then they say the weirdest thing: “It’s important, Rex, to think of how your behaviour will be seen by the viewing public.” Rex then gets very very defensive. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He’s going to get torn apart when he leaves. Torn apart. He then goes and shouts at Sara a bit. This is ridiculous: a house full of people who are either overly aggressive bullies, have guilt complexes, or are a cunning mixture of both. Sara then says that she thinks that Rex is a good boyfriend. Does she fancy him? UGH. Sara then goes mad and creates an insane victim complex – I’m not joking – where she twists some stuff that Rex said and changes the order of events to make him out to be worse than he is, all spurred on – some might even say orchestrated by –  Mikey (who I have always disliked as well, and have found very, very sly). I hate Rex – HATE him – but this is truly odd. We, the viewer, watched her have a cigarette with him, a cigarette that she is now denying ever happened etc… It’s a bit weird. Oh, but Kat likes him, so whatever.

Rex then bans Mikey from talking to him or “mentioning (my) name”. Mikey is no longer allowed to say Rex’s name, therefore, which is the best thing to happen this entire series. I want to know what will happen to him if he does. Rex and Mikey then have a fight about who is the most miserable. I wish I were joking.

And, after the break, all of a sudden Rex comes out and apologises and shakes Mikey’s hand. I wonder if BB has had even more of a talk? Because this is super bi-polar right here. Rex then moans, and then Sara and Darnell moan, and then Darnell says, “I’m tired of being myself. I’m tired of being the albino singer that everyone is friends with.” This still comes down to wanting to be fancied. “Darnell, it isn’t your looks, it’s your personality!” Sara says, and Darnell corrects her: “Personality means nothing.” That’s the problem right there, I think.

“Six more days,” says Darnell, and I totally know how he feels.

AND LISA’S OUT!

Money money money

The Vegas task is continuing tonight, as the housemates mindlessly slide their shopping budget into one-armed bandits, dressed in geriatric Californian tourist wear. Mo is cheating – of course- and Darnell is complaining because the machine Mikey is on is difficult to use. He then starts going on about the hating being labelled ‘amazing’ thing. “No one is saying you’re amazing,” says Sara. He strops off. “What is he like?” asks Lisa. Quite.

Because Mo cheated, the housemates have failed the task, even though they passed, if you get my drift. The housemates then start to worry about what might happen later that night, not least because nominations have not been made. “You know what happens in Vegas – weddings! Imagine that, Lise!” says Rachel. “No, I’m sorry guys, I think it’s an eviction,” says Lisa. Mo is given a feast in the diary room. He has to eat it all, and my goodness, it’s a huge spread of burgers, milkshakes, fries, pancakes and doughnuts. But remember, this is greedy Mo. “It’s do-able,” he says. However, the housemates outside think he is deciding their fate inside the diary room. Wrong! He is feasting to showtunes. “I couldn’t care less if I’m in the final,” says Mikey, which is even more hateful given that he will be, but it apparently matters to Rachel. Why? Who knows. 1 hour and 20 minutes in, and Mo is throwing up into his star-spangled hat. He fails this task, too. “How are you feeling?” BB asks him. “Sick,” is his disingenuous reply.

Anyway, we’ve seen the next bit. The housemates nominate each other by writing on cards and all the housemates see who has picked who. Sara and Lisa are up. Can I just say how appalled I am by this? No? Oh, Rex fans, are you? What do mean? There’s got to be some out there, right? “Some wedding this is!” says Lisa. Do you think Mo would have been nominated if he had not been head of house? Maybe! Lisa and Sara go to the task room to play prisoner’s dilemma, which is to chose to share money, or keep it for themselves (share or shaft, perhaps). They share the money, and win £25,000 each. They are thrilled, of course. Sara cries with delight. Rachel, horribly, leans over and kisses Mikey and says, “We’re in the final.” Yeuch. You shouldn’t be, either of you. Sara and Lisa talk about why they were nominated, but end up laughing like loons because who cares, they’ve won £25,000. Mikey, oddly, tells Rex that Sara is obsessed with him. Hm. Mo doesn’t think Sara deserves the money, but either he doesn’t explain why or it’s cut out – in either case, he’s wrong.

In the diary room, Sara and Lisa express their gratitude for the money. Sara wants her sister (BRITNEY!) to fly over to the UK, and Lisa may spend her money on the wedding, even though she won’t need to, as OK! will pay for that. Ah well. Small mercies, and all that.

REX written in big clumsy letters.

The housemates are given some enormous blank playing cards and some pens and are told to write the names of the two people up for nomination this week on them. “NO WAY!” yells Kat. “NO WAY!” Over and over again. Way, Kat. When they are all written, Big Brother makes them stand up and read them aloud one by one. Darnell is first, nomming Sara and Lisa. This is actually quite tense. Kat then stands up and noms Lisa and Sara. Hang on. What? What’s going on? Lisa goes for Rex and Rachel, and then says, “Some wedding this is.”  I think she’s confused as to what a wedding actually is. Mikey then noms Rex and Sara – Sara is nearly a cert, surely? Mo Mohammed writes Sara and Mikey (That’s it, Sara’s a definite), and then Rachel noms Lisa and Rex. That means Rex and Lisa have three each, and it’s Rex’s turn to nom, and he says Sara and Lisa, which means he’s safe unless Sara noms him, which she fails to do, going for Rachel and Darnell instead. “Everyone got a nomination except Kat,” says Darnell. So, Lisa and Sara are up for eviction… and £50Grand. But there’s more! Housemates are now free to discuss nominations, apparently! Is that a new rule? It’s a rule I like. 

Oh, and bee tee double-eww, Sara’s going home, right? 

Anyway, after the break, Davina wears a bin liner and has terrible hair, which must be difficult given that hair product contract she has, right? Anyway, Sara and Lisa are called to the Task Room and think that they are going home. (I hope Sara doesn’t win the money. I know Lisa’s a reality-show whore, but I like her far more. Plus, Mario would be chuffed.) Oh wow! They are playing The Prisoner’s Dilemma. They each have a block with TAKE written on it and a block with SHARE written on it. They have to pick a block. If they both SHARE they share the cash, if one SHAREs and the other TAKEs the TAKEr gets it, and if they both TAKE they get nothing. They’ll share: they are friends, and it makes sense. They’ll share. No question. They’ll share. I’m a hundred percent positive of it. (This would have been very different if Rex was involved, eh? Or Mikey. I’m betting TAKE isn’t written in Braille.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand…

(God, Big Brother runs through the rules a silly amount of times. Get on with it! It gives them the chance to discuss it, which is retarded, and lets them lie or tell the truth. Pointless: they are good friends, they’ll tell the truth, they’ll share. No question. They tell this to each other, and there’s no question. “I’ve got a heart of gold,” says Lisa. They’ll share. I am sick of writing that, and there’s no tension due to the people involved. Shame for Big Brother. Rex/Darnell would have been the best here. Or Rex/Rachel, as he would have stolen that gold from under her nose. Or Rex/Mo Mohammmed. That would have been superb.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand…

They both choose SHARE. What a shock. I am shocked. Wow. WHAT AN UPHEAVAL OF WHAT I HAD PREVIOUSLY CONSIDERED TO BE FACT AND TRUTH. I’ll bet that live audience are glad they came down to watch that, right?