Will you be a dog?

A brief post tonight! Firstly, David fails to identify Marcus’s mum as part of the task, but they still manage to pass anyway. Good. So the task ends. There’s already been an argument about chicken nuggets today. Then David and Bea have a fag outside, and they hear someone say something over the wall. To me, it sounded like ‘Get Bea out’, but I didn’t hear it as well as Bea did, clearly, as she instantly remarks to David that it sounded like ‘Get David out.’ Hm. Anyway, they are called into the house, and a row breaks out between them, he because he thinks (probably correctly) that she’s trying to upset him and make him insecure, and she because she absolutely swears that that’s what she heard. Then the argument from yesterday, about Bea nomming him, returns.

Also, despite Sophie complaining that Rod is a noisy eater, Sophie gnashes almost disgustingly when she’s eating her sausages. Sophie is pissed, and falls off her bed. ‘I feel sad,’ she says, laughing. Siavash gives her a glass of water. ‘Is it wine?’ she asks, and drinks. They ask Siavash to do dog noises, but he doesn’t. Haha.

Anyway, BB Towers will be away/internet-less for a little while, but keep your eyes peeled for our next updates! My money’s on Bea to go tomorrow. Who’s yours on?

You’re a Year Too Late to Use Thriller as a Task, So…

Oh look! The garden has been turned into a graveyard! It’s a metaphor! Their are gravestones with the HM’s names on them. Some are adorned with skulls and toy crows. ‘What if it’s a sign? What if it means something, like who’s up for nomination?’ cries Bea. You don’t need a sign, Bea. You already know you’re up. The task, partially, is to become zombies when the ghost train comes through the garden. (It’s not a real train, nor particularly ghostly: it’s just a little model.) They also have to dress up as monsters, vampires, mad scientists, werewolves and, in Marcus’s case, a headless man. Bea and Charlie’s task is to perform ‘surgery’, removing body parts from a ‘corpse’. Bea will gets shocked if Charlie misses the body part. Bea is terrified as she lies on the table, waiting for the task to begin. Basically, it’s like a huge game of Operation on a grandiose scale, with Bea wired up to the electric sensors. He gtes the first two parts out OK, then shocks Bea quite a lot. ‘It’s not that bad,’ she screams. Then he shocks her on purpose, and finds it really funny.

Nom results! As we know, Bea, David and Marcus are up. Lisa looks unhappy, but David makes silly monster noises. ‘Did you nominate me, Bea?’ David asks. ‘I’m not talking about it,’ she says, which we know means yes. ‘You told me you didn’t nominate me,’ he says. He can work our from what he knows and from counting that she must have nommed him. Oh dear. A sort of argument breaks out. ‘I’m not bothered!’ yells David. ‘I don’t give a shit.’ OK. Then Bea asks Marcus for help, and he is dismissive, and David sounds off in the diary room. Then Bea asks to talk to David, so they go for a nice little chat in the bedroom. They have a weird conversation about why she nommed him, she witters on about big boobs, and then he says they can’t be friends anymore. She tries to talk to everyone else about it, and Lisa has a go. She tells Bea why she nommed her. ‘I was going to nominate you!’ says Bea. In the garden, Siavash and Marcus are tired of it. ‘They’re trying to make each other look bad,’ says Siavash. ‘There’s been plenty worse arguments,’ says Marcus. ‘They’ll be friend again in fucking five minutes.’ It’s important to note that Siavash and Marcus both keep out of it, and are tired of it. I also really like that HMs can now discuss noms. It makes the programme somehow more streamlined.

Lisa and Siavash are werewolves for their task. They must rip off their clothes (under which they’re wearing werewolf costumes) and howl. Bea is telling Charlie how she’s not sure if she’ll go this week. Then they all have to go and be zombies in the garden. Marcus is actually genuinely very scary. That is unfortunate, because it’s the end of the programme and now I’m not sure I’ll sleep tonight.

What was it doing on my foot? Perhaps it was masturbating

Oh GOD. Bea is STILL blubbing in the diary room about the message fiasco yesterday. She feels that she will be up for nom, and she ‘can’t handle it’. Oh dear. Shouldn’t have gone in then, should you? In a possible strategic move, she tells Siavash that she might not nominate today – possibly hoping that she will therefore not be nominated herself, as it makes her seem nicer? And of course, she does nominate. She chooses Lisa first, then changes her mind to Rodrigo. She also noms David. David and Lisa, however, knew she was going to nominate. I hate those two, but they do know what’s going on, which is more than you could say of Charlie, Sophie or Rod.

Charlie noms Marcus and Siavash. Siavash? That’s interesting. Do you think he sees him as a threat? David goes for Marcus (‘he doesn’t open up to me at all’) and Siavash – again. Apparently this is because Siavash admitted to nomming him last week, and not telling David why. Lisa noms Bea and Marcus. (David asks Bea if she nommed him, and she says no. OH HO HO.) Marcus noms Bea (because she tried to guilt trip him into not nomming her), and Rod noms Bea and David. Marcus also tells Bea that he nommed her. HAHA! She calls him a ‘fat pig’, which, of all insults you could levy at Marcus, is probably the stupidest. Siavash (who looks remarkable in a ripped open floral shirt, flowing hair and tight trousers) refuses to nominate. BB says ‘You WILL nominate. BB will inform you of who you have nominated in due course.’ So is BB finally admitting to fiddling the votes? Nope. He has to nominate the first 2 housemates he comes ‘into contact with’ – presumably, this means talks to. They seem to be Rod and Sophie. Oh, no! It’s people who touch him! Bea touches his eye, so she will be one of his noms. Sophie accidentally touches his leg, and therefore she is his second om nom nom. BB tells him who he is nominated, but does not explain why. He tells Rod, Sophie, Bea and Marcus. Sophie says she’ll do the same. So she says she won’t nominate. BB tells her exactly what they told Siavash. Her noms get picked from whoever’s names she says first (these are Rod and Bea). Anyway, Marcus, David and Bea are up, after all that.

David is angry with Siavash for not nomming. Rod joins in. ‘It’s the show decision. What, are you the producer? Do you want to be Jesus Christ and make our destiny?’ ‘I don’t see why people are scared to go up,’ says Sophie. Ha! she’s right. David is only pissed off because he thinks he’s up, and doesn’t like Siavash anyway. Then Charlie gets really angry. Why? Because he thinks he’s up too, I reckon.

Marcus decides to go for a wank, so Rod and Sophie decide to catch him at it in the toilet. ‘Don’t make a noise!’ shrieks Rod as they get closer to the toilet door, where we can hear Marcus whistling. Then there;’s a crackly noise, then Siavash, Sophie and Rod burst in. Marcus appears from under his duvet, with his face red and his trousers undone. It’s a lovely moment.

I didn’t know Stevie Wonder was blind… Or that he was black

God, I really want a can of Coke, or some Lucozade. Damn these shit sponsorship adverts at the beginning of BB. Charlie may, perhaps, have been better off if he’d spat Lucozade or Coke at Bea. Instead, last night he spurted water at her, and SHE WON’T LET IT LIE. ‘I’ve said sorry – there’s nothing more I can say, Bea,’ he tells her, looking very tired of the whole thing, and they have presumably, only just got up. ‘It’s something coming into my face I’m not expecting,’ she says, to me chorlting. ‘I don’t want to make a big deal of it,’ she lies. Lisa warns Charlie, outside, that Bea creates dramas. Hm.

Anyway, it’s now time for the HMs to receive their messages from home. Lisa is the first person to receive hers. She watches in the diary room, and the others watch on the plasma. Her message is from her mother and aunt, a pair of twins in pink jumpers. (I am not making that up.) ‘It was almost like The Shining,’ says Siavash. Charlie is the next to get his message. It’s from his dad. He tells him that his mother’s condition (she’s in a coma, donchaknow) is improving. OK – he doesn’t deserve to win, then? Bea cries. Marcus cries. (He really does.) Bea has a message from her friend Tia. The message is fun, and kind, but not deep and meaningful. ‘Why wasn’t it my mum?’ asks Bea. She sobs. ‘Everyone’s getting messages from their parents,’ she weeps. rather ungratefully. David goes next. It’s from his aunty and his friend. He weeps before they’ve even spoken. There is a break in the messages, so Marcus goes to comfort Bea, who is still upset. ‘Some people are just never happy,’ Charlie says about Bea in the garden. She asks the diary room why her mother didn’t do the message. ‘Your mother did not want to appear on TV,’ says BB, and, even though Bea seems to know that this is true, she is still upset.

Marcus’ message is from his friend, Helen. She is hilarious – kind of like a pretty, female version of him. He is delighted. Rod is next. It’s from his ‘UK parents’. They seem very sweet. Siavash has a message from his mum and cousin. They are both rather beautiful, and his mum very sophisticated. Funny how it’s sometimes exactly as you’d imagined. ‘I did not hear anything,’ he says. ‘It’s really weird.’ Sophie is next, and looking forward to hearing from her mum. She has a message from her mum and her friend, but… She also has one from Kris! WOW. ‘From my opinion, nothing’s changed,’ he says. ‘I’ll be there, waiting for you, when you get out.’ Do I note some insincerity in his voice? Or am I just a wretched cynic?

Anyway, they are having a little party. They take the piss out of Bea, saying she didn’t even know who her friend was, and had to go to the diary room to ask who she was. Haha! This is quite witty. Rod and Sophie keep laughing, and Bea gets cross. Siavash starts laughing. Then Rodrigo says he wasn’t even laughing about that, and that Bea is making a drama. ‘Don’t give Bea a surprise for her birthday,’ says Charlie. ‘She hates surprises.’ Then no one can stop laughing. Bea smiles a bit, but you know she’ll make a drama of it later. And she does, in the diary room. She also thinks she might be up for nomination next week.

Rod tries to apologise to her, but she’s not having it. She also does her little trick of not quite remembering what she said. He says sorry, but she pretends to David that it was Rodrigo who brought it up again. This is another of her tricks! Let’s count how many of her stupid tricks she uses: lying about what she’s said, pretending someone else is making a drama, and making someone else out to be an idiot, though nothing’s been done. So he swims off. Marcus laughs. She is right: she’ll be up tomorrow, mos def. So she plays the ‘I want to go home’ card. This is a new trick for her! Still, she’s off. BYE!

If I sit on your face, maybe that will shut you up

The morning breaks with Rodrigo and Charlie still upset about last night’s events (when a drunken Charlie woke Rod up). David advises Rod not to flame up so easily. ‘I too good for him,’ says Rod. OK then. Charlie looks about as hungover as I feel (that’s pretty damn bad, by the way). Bea sticks her typical oar in, and tries to advise them about how to argue successfully, or something. because clearly now Freddie’s gone she’s behaving like she pwns the house.

And as I expected (s0me time ago, I note), Bea is trying it on with Siavash a bit. She wants to move into the bed next to him. He is non-committal about it. Bea is then given the alphabet challenge: to recite as many words beginning with a letter in one minute as they can. This challenge is neither fun nor entertaining, or even that hard, despite the housemates making it seem so. Then Charlie and Bea make hamburger sandwiches (?) which are still pink in the middle, and it turns my stomach. Rod is given the letter Q, and so is given two chances to recite words, in both English and Portuguese. He manages to only get two or three words in either language. Oh dear. Siavash wins the task, and will be rewarded with a hamper later. The hamper contains things beginning with the letter S: sweets, skittles, sorbet and an inflatable sheep.

There is a long and tiresome conversation because Bea wants to move beds, and it’s all political. Siavash doesn’t want to move beds, so Bea tells Charlie it’s all because Siavash thinks she’s negative after the Freddie stuff. Perhaps it’s just because you’re a cunt? She moves to the bed by Charlie, and he spits some water in her face as a little joke. This proves my point, I think? he is laughing and she is really angry. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear.

Negativitism

Highlights! I think we all know that Marcus will go tonight (though the crowd are screaming to Get Bea Out!), so the programme makers focus the day instead with the aftermath of Freddie/Bea and Charlie’s arguments last night. I shan’t detail it, but safe to say Bea is back to her old tricks.

Marcus is given a HUGE bag of fanmail, and the other HMs are amused and horrified (because, of course, they assume he is hated here, not realising that Bea is possibly one of the most hated HMs for a long time). Even Marcus has the good grace to laugh hard when BB delivers it to him, along with a camera so he can take signed pics for his fans. Charlie takes the pics for him.

Have you noticed how little airtime Sophie and Siavash have got in the last few days? Funny, given that they are very likely to be potential finalists this year.

Sophie (thought better of her), Bea and David decide to hide Freddie’s tea. This is unbelievably petty, though exactly the sort of ‘prank’ that they would pull. Anyway, BB tells David off a bit for hiding the tea in the diary room. David blames the other two. *rolls eyes* He lies to Rodrigo about why he ws called to the diary room, and replaces the tea. He does tell Sophie, Lisa and Bea though. ‘Are we made out to be bullies on the outside?’ asks Sophie, which is funny, because she’s the only one who isn’t. Privately, Lisa advises not to get involved with Freddie and Bea. It’s a shame no one’s advising Sophie to do the same: this is bringing out a bad side to her.

Moving on to the treats: Siavash has been given another suitcase of his other clothes (HA!), Lisa given fags, papers and lighters, and Charlie gets to listen to Girls Aloud in the diary room. Apart from Siavash’s and Marcus’s, those treats are a bit shit. (I suppose Lisa’s is good for her, but it’s so bloody predictable.) David suggests Freddie’s treat will be a trip to ‘West Downing Street.’

Also, Bea has just announced that the Wetherspoon’s in Bristol is ‘pretty banging’. Right. Freddie also reveals his best chat up line is ‘I really, really lie salad,’ because people don’t know what to make of it.

Marcus reads out his reply to his fanmail. It is hilarious. ‘I’m glad someone appreciates me more than this fucking production team,’ he reads. ‘All the fucking best, Marcus.’ Love it. In some ways, I’ll be sad to see him go. Then they play with a spacehopper and Lisa and Bea complain it’ll be taken away, then moan about everyone else behind their backs. David is oddly objective when Bea complains that Freddie dared to speak to her while they were smoking. ‘He might just be trying with you,’ David suggests. I’d love Lisa to hear what Bea said about her the other day – you know, her benefit rant? Yeah. Then Freddie and David and Lisa and Marcus have some harmonious moments when they’re a bit nice to each other.

GOODNESS ME. Freddie has been evicted. It must have been nearly 50/50, right? He takes his eviction well, but I worry about the smugg effect this will have on Bea. Let’s just hope she gets om nom nommed next week.

I’ve Not Lick Yer Arse

Rodrigo is going to meet the Queen! But, of course, he isn’t – he is going to meet a lookalike, and sing God Save the Queen to her. ‘BB is genuinely in contact with the palace,’ BB tells the other HMs, ‘but she is yet to confirm a date to meet housemates.’ What utter, utter guff. Bea and Freddie talk in the kitchen. He says, justifiably, that he will stay this Friday, in his opinion. Bea then goes straight out and tells her new best bud, Lisa, what he has said. ‘His head is up his arse,’ Lisa says.

More Bea airtime. Ridiculous, right? ‘He’s not as clever as he think he is… I’d love it if the pubic put him in his place.’ She really needs to watch out when she’s evicted next week, right? I was thinking this morning that it seemed odd last week that we had to vote to save housemates, rather than vote to evict them. If it’d been voting to evict, there’s a good chance Bea might have gone. Because it was to save, well, who’s going to ring up for Hira? Mighty suss, if you ask me, given it was last week that arguments began to restart and Bea and Freddie’s relationship started to go sour. Because if it weren’t for Bea and Freddie at the helm of the arguments, who’d be arguing? Charlie and Rodrigo? Freddie and Lisa? You see, we’ve seen those arguments before – perhaps they’re therefore less interesting? Just a thought, readers.

Anyway, Rodrgio is going to have tea with the Queen. Bea has got a bee in her bonnet about the fact that Freddie thinks there is a remote possibility that the Queen might actually come on BB. It’s all a badly veiled attempt to restart their argument AGAIN. She thinks that lying to Rodrigo about the Queen in the house being a lookalike is ‘dishonest’. Should come naturally to her then, amirite? Luckily, the show moves to Rod in the task room instead. Rod is so excited when the ‘Queen’ walks in, and sings God Save to her. They have a lovely chat. It’s all very sweet. Should we feel sorry for Rodrigo? Well, Bea said she thinks he’s been made a fool of, but I actually think that even that small amount of time when he feels great is enough to make it OK… Isn’t it? The thing is, he doesn’t know that BB is now a nadir of shit programming, shit planning and shit contestants – for him, I guess, it may be entirely plausible that the Queen would appear on BB. When he leaps out of the task room, looking uber happy, Bea seems perfectly content to pander to BB’s request to play along. Hipo, etc.

Anyway, BB decides to tell Rodrigo that he did not, in fact, meet the real Queen. He takes it quite well, and laughs. He seems quite sad at the same time, but he is more embarrassed than anything else. Anyway, they have passed the task, and they have won special prizes. Rodrigo wins a real letter from Buckingham Palace. (We know this is genuine; if you so much as sneeze your address to the Palace, they will write back to you.) He is also given a commemoration mug from the Palace, which is nice. The other prizes are letters from home for all the HMs.

More of Bea being a bitch. Marcus has a good way of dealing with her; he is reasonable, and asks her to rethink what she’s saying. She doesn’t, though. ‘I think Freddie’s a twat,’ she says. ‘I’m sorry Bea, but you will not like what happens when you get out of here,’ Marcus says, perceptively. Say what you like about Marcus: he does really know what’s going on. Then she goes on about being bullied again, and she cries. Charlie hugs her. He fucking would. Freddie then laughs at something Bea says, which he overhears, and Charlie LOVES be able to go in and have a go at him.Bea runs away and sobs.

Do you know what I think? She’s finally clicked – she knows how hated she’s going to be.

You ABSOLUTELY Did.

Rodrigo starts the day in non-confrontational mood, when Freddie wakes up and goes to apologise for twatty behaviour. He tells Freddie off and complains about the food, and then Charlie tells Freddie that his apology means nothing as “it’s Bea’s apology, Bea told you to do it.” Lisa then chips her bit in, and asks Freddie to stop mocking her if she’s up for eviction. It’s all a bit OTT, frankly, and just marketing aimed at bringing Freddie down. Freddie then, upset, chats to Siavash and Marcus about Bea’s tirade in the bedroom last night, about the fact that she clearly and obviously spoke loudly to ensure that the rest of house heard it. And then, in the bedroom, Marcus accuses Siavash of engineering situations to make Freddie look awful! This is scheme-tastic, every housemate suddenly smelling rats left right and centre, and deciding to try and out them. They can see the finish line, now, and they want the money. “It’s not real life, Freddie, this is a game,” Marcus tells him, and he’s absolutely right about that, but not about Siavash, who I still want to win.

So, Freddie goes back to bed, sad and contemplative, and then Bea comes in. Freddie asks if she really thought that he was picking on Lisa, and she says No. He asks if people are paranoid about his intelligence – and, really, calm down, Freddie, or you’ll get a big head. “Are you going to, for the third day, maintain negativity?” asks Bea, and he tells her that he won’t. Then she gets really angry and tells him that he is picking on her, and meddling, and sowing seeds of doubt in other people’s minds. I’m sorry, did I miss something? He’s a prat, sure, but he’s not machiavellian! She challenges him to go and ask other people what she says about him, raises her voice, starts crying, and it’s all acting and bullshit. “Why do you need to get somebody to this point?” she asks, and he tells her that he feels bad, “seeing the honesty in you” or some wank like that. Fucking Bea. How can anybody like her? Seriously? So, Freddie goes to the diary room and sobs because he’s been made to feel dreadful.

So, the ‘punishment’ for being naughty is finally revealed: the housemates are allowed to discuss all nominations, past, present and future. So they do. Siavash comes clean about nomming Freddie in Week 1, Charlie says that he nommed Rodrigo weeks back after they had a fight. Bea and Lisa then discuss who they’re nomming, and Bea leads. “Marcus and Freddie,” she says, and Lisa agrees. What a bitch. So, then, noms happen, and Bea is true to her word. OH NO WAIT SHE’S NOT. She calls Marcus a “crackpot” and noms him, and then noms David instead of Freddie. David noms Freddie and Marcus as well, and then starts crying because Marcus hasn’t apologised about breaking the rules and getting their luxury food taken away. Well, he’s sad about the loss of food, right? His 32-inch waist needs feeding. Basically, everyone votes for Freddie and Marcus (which Marcus is fine with, as he wants to go home, apparently).

(Oh, God, it’s that wanker in the Vodafone advert singing Total Eclipse Of The Heart again. He’s a cunt, he really is, and he thinks that he’s amazing. He is. If you’re reading this, you wanker? Fuck off.)

Sophie wonders if her boobs have grown – they haven’t, but she has put on a bit of weight, poor thing – but that is less interesting than Bea and Freddie having yet more discussions in the bedroom. Bea can’t get over Freddie thinking bad things about her or something. Freddie gets upset and anxious, and then Bea tells him that she finds him “negative” and deals with all negative people in the same way – she gets far away from them. She’s trying to work him up, to make him angry and explode or something. This is hatefully focussed, and utterly unpleasant. If the rest of the UK sees what we at BB Towers see, she’ll be torn apart when she gets out. “I don’t want to be picking anything up off you,” she tells him, after mentioning that she wants to move her bed away from his. WHAT? How OTT is she? Also, she’s slept with fucktons of people! She’s FAR more likely to have some horrific disease than him! Then Freddie cries loads, and Siavash goes in to see if he’s okay, and Freddie says that he feels “emotionally terrorised” – THE BEST PHRASE I HAVE EVER HEARD (since Richard the Sexual Terrorist). Freddie sobs and sobs, and we here at BB Towers feel horribly sad for him. Siavash comforts him, and calls her a bully, which she absolutely is. And to think that I used to hate Lisa more!

Freddie cries for ages and then Bea hears that he’s devastated, so goes into the bedroom to tell him that she didn’t intend to upset him. Freddie throws back what she said at her, and she denies ever saying it! HA HA HA HA! She’s fucking delusional! “It’s all on camera, you watch it back!” he says, and she denies it, and then he tells her to leave him alone. Wow. He goes all Henry V/Exorcist again, and that’s very funny, but, you know, she’s a fucking mental. She then leaves and tells Marcus one part of the conversation – when Freddie said that Bea’s voice was giving him a panic attack – and gets Marcus involved. Then she gets Siavash involved, and tells a lie, saying that Freddie claimed that the house were angry with Bea’s negativity, and it’s all too much for us here. She’s awful. Horrendous. One of the least pleasant housemates to have ever crossed this threshold.

You are like rebel

Ring the alarum! Marcus, Siavash and Freddie won’t get up. Oh, BB *did* ring the alarum, and they didn’t get up. So they are reprimanded in the diary room. (If I were a BB contestant, I wouldn’t bother getting up either, whatever alarm they played.) They all try to sleep in the diary room, so BB plays the crying baby noises at them as loud as possible without actually exploding their eardrums. Siavash disconnects the diary room speaker somehow, so they can only hear BB in a muffled way. BB gets angry. Eventually, the speaker is rectified, but the HMs are about to get punished. They are sent to jail. ‘You spend most of your time in that jail,’ Sophie says to Marcus. Anyway, because it’s sunny, and they don’t want to drink lotd of water because BB doesn’t give them many toilet breaks, they leave jail and go to the kitchen. Charlie (not very interestingly) encourages the rebellion. This is because he wants them to be punished further, I’d guess. BB keeps calling them to the diary room, but they ignore her. ‘People are too cocksure,’ says Lisa, the biggest Cock Sure of them all.

‘BB does not appreciate being spoken to with disrespect,’ says BB. ‘You speak to us like children!’ says Freddie, which is true. Bea thinks that Freddie is being led by Marcus. Anyway, he is annoyed, she is spiky, it’s all blah. BB then announces that all HMs will be punished for their misdemeanours. Lisa in particular hates this – well, she would. She must know that she’s on her way out. HATEFUL SLAPHEAD. ‘They’re just babies,’ says Lisa, who, let’s not forget, is proud of living on the dole through choice. ‘Don’t you care about the group?’ Rodrigo asks the naughty trio. ‘There’s nothing we can do,’ says Siavash. ‘We want to enjoy and have a nice time,’ says Rodrigo. ‘The punishment’s already done,’ says Freddie.

Anyway, they go to eat their lunch or whatever at the dining table, and Lisa and David eat theirs alone in the kitchen. Lisa is appalled at the other three, ‘acting like they’re a group.’ They are a group! And also, the dining table is for eating off. FFS. Then the kitchen in locked and all their food is taken away. Siavash apologises to the others. ‘I’m not bothered about the food, it’s the morals,’ says Mr Blobby David. ‘At least he said sorry,’ says Lisa. ‘Sorry’s just a word,’ says David, presumably because he’s had to say it so much in his sad old life that it’s become meaningless. Then Bea and Freddie have words, and Bea and David hug. What? Well, they do. Their food is going to be replaced with basic rations again. Good. David needs to lose weight. From his head.

Despite earlier stating that she didn’t want to do any ‘navel gazing’, Bea and Freddie discuss today and last night. ‘I think you’re bored. You’re looking for issues.’ She also says he’s paranoid. But he’s right to be suspicious of her. She is a shit stirrer, and I’m glad he’s coming round to realise it. The sad thing is that he wants to change it, and that cannot be done. ‘You’re not as clever as you think you are,’ she says. ‘everything she says is right,’ says David. This is so weird. I must admit, I’ve been flitting in and out of viewing over the last few days due to stuff going on elsewhere, and watching tonight, it’s almost like they’ve restarted the programme, complete with new allegiances and peeves. Very odd.

Anyway, the HMs go to bed, and Bea says that she doesn’t want to waste her sleep by talking to Freddie, then goes off on one when he tries to get to sleep and says that ‘people care more about their dinner than his issues with the diary room’. Gosh, she is a nasty piece of work, isn’t she?

I’ve Even Apologised To You For A Completely Involuntary Expression.

Charlie has a shit-fit about people touching his things after discovering that Freddie has moved his towel. It’s irritating, as Freddie was about to explain which two cities are close to where he lives, which is fascinating. Charlie then tells the rest of the housemates to not touch anything that’s around his bed. Charlie is really unhappy about this. Is he OCD or something? Probably not – that would actually suggest that he had something interesting or of substance about him. In reality, I think he’s just a mopey fucker. Also, Siavash is offering to wee on Bea’s leg because she’s got a bite on it. He’s a filthy fucker, I reckon; next he’ll be suggesting that coprophilia cures cancer, probably.

Anyway, for today’s grossly entertaining task, four of the housemates get to make themselves dizzy and then run around like pricks to put blocks into holes for tokens. Doesn’t that sound amazing? Imagine! Dizzy people! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! David is so dizzy he can’t actually stay standing, and collapses on the floor, but the other housemates are alright. Task over! Wow. That was BAFTA-worthy TV, that was.

Now David has made some Spaghetti Bolognese. Marcus talks about how much salt he ate as a child – one teaspoon in an egg, 6 eggs a day or some bullshit like that – and then talks about how his stomach acid can dissolve bricks. Then – we’re at the evening already, which tells you something about how interesting the day has been – David tries to tell everybody about how women have better orgasms than men. Not when they’re having sex with me they don’t, Dave. No, wait. Hang on.Anyway, he then talks about a woman who has lots of orgasms without sex, and then Charlie creeps up behind him and goes Boo and David has a prolapse. In the diary room, Siavash and Bea discuss how fake they find David, how forced, whatever. She then goes out into the garden and talks to Siavash and Freddie about the David/Lisa gameplans, and it errs hatefully close to discussing nominations, only in an ambiguous way.

But hang on! Sophie has found a packet of cigarettes under Marcus’ bed, and the house accuse him of hoarding them given that he’s a non-smoker. He argues that he was saving them to give them out as a gift another day as if they were rations. Lisa and David then discuss hiding lemonade from Marcus to see how he likes it. Freddie and Bea are discussing happiness or some shit, and how she was shocked about the cigarettes, and Marcus thinks they’re talking about him, so tells them off. Bea gets defensive and looks utterly broken. I think she’s beginning to lose it, or at least is pretending that she’s losing it for sympathy or something. Marcus says that he’s disappointed in Freddie for giving him eyes or something, and Freddie confronts him in the kitchen, and blames vibes on Sophie or something, and then Charlie – calling him Frederick – tells him off for trying to blame Sophie. It’s the worst argument that I have ever seen/heard/been informed about/imagined/contemplated/pictured. It’s a bunch of people without a case arguing about stupid things that mean nothing. Charlie then tells everyone that he thinks that Freddie has the biggest gameplan in the house, and Freddie gets arrogantly huffy and laughs about how he keeps getting evicted. (Realistically, is this Charlie’s gameplan? To get Freddie nommed to see if he’s still popular? Because he can smell competition? Who can say.) Like all arguments in Big Brother, this just reduces itself to people shouting about scheming and plotting and gameplans, a fine jus created from the roasting meats of different personalities. In the garden, to get some attention, Bea cries because she is upset that she heard something shocking. Her words. Ugh. Can’t blame her, though. She saw something shocking – a packet of fags – and it made her cry. You should see her in a newsagents; walking up to the counter is like crossing the Styx.

Then, brilliantly, Sophie gets upset and thinks that people hate her, and then asks to be put up for noms. I’m hanging myself, she says, and then Geordie Marcus tells us that there’ll be consequences for the entire house. The housemates finally stop talking about it at half past three in the morning, and go to bed, which is insane. And I’m warning you now – I’ve been reading what happens over the 24 hours following this, and it sounds like nothing but a stream of conversations about these arguments. You may want to skip Monday night’s TV show. Or, you know, the rest of the series. 6 of one, half a dozen of the other, right?