5! 4! 3!

The final episode! I’m screaming so loudly I’ll bet that you all – all of you, smallest audience of Big Brother ever – can hear me from your homes. We’re down to five – you know them all – and they’ll be leaving the house tonight. Finish. No more. Kaput. Davina welcomes some ex-housemates to the stage. Steph, who wears leather trousers and gets boos. Sylvia, who wears a frilly dress and gets boos. Jen, who gets booed. Mario, who gets booed. Belinda, who elicits no reaction. Bex, who gets booed. Maysoon, who gets no reaction. Luke, who has shit hair, confirms that he and Bex are dating, and gets booed. Dale, who gets cheers, and confirms that he and Jen aren’t going out any more. Stuart, cheers, Nicole, huge boos. HUGE. Lisa, huge cheers (and there, but for the grace of God, goes your winner). Mo Mohammed, boos, and Kat, a hearty mixture. Phew. Quite a list. Where’s Dennis? And Mooooslim? I’m assuming that the boos would have been so loud they feared for the very foundations of the studio.

Anyway, as to the report from yesterday: It begins with Sara singing Dem Girlz! YES! THANK GOD! Listen, producers: if his Best Bits aren’t to the tune of Dem Girlz, I will revolt. Apparently, Mikey came to the BB house to watch it. You could have stayed at home, Mikey. Easily. Then I wouldn’t have had to listen to you for night on 100 days. What the frak happened to Darnell’s eye? He has a patch on it. Why did we not see that? Is this like when Darnell broke the mug in the sink when he was angry? Rex then makes a toast to his father, for moulding him into the person he is today. Yeah, thanks Rex’s dad. THANKS. Rachel does a toast and it’s shit and dull, clearly. Mikey does one (and he can do one, he really can), insults Rex and jabs his tongue up Rachel’s arse. Sara’s speech is dull, but delivered in her cracked vase of a voice, so all is okay, and Darnell talks about respect and “nuttin’ but love for y’all”. But really, what the funk happened to his eye?

Gosh, Rex has a repugnant pair of silver shoes. Really horrid. Rex complains about the alcohol, or lack of it. “Do you really need alcohol to have fun?” asks Rachel. I Will Always Love You comes on the stereo, and Rachel and Sara ruin/enhance it with their shiteous voices. “Can we listen to the song, please?” asks Rex. He looks really sad. SAD FACE. DOUBLE SAD FACE, actually, as Rachel does that shit thing during the “I wish you joy and happiness” line of the song where she shouts the word Joy really loudly. Ugh.

So! Let’s find out who is in fifth place, eh? (I predict Rex.) It is…

DARNELL! 

Madness. Didn’t see that one coming at all. I am so confused. Frankly, all of us here at BB Towers are. Who the grok is voting for this thing? Darnell leaves, gets some boos, picks up Davina and, as he puts her down, grabs her arse. I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. In his interview we discover that his mic is not working. Darnell has apparently never seen Davina before, which is fascinating. He must have never watched this. (Maybe because he’s only partially sighted?) Now, they show Sara on the screen and she gets huge boos. WHAT THE CLUCK IS GOING ON? There’s a chat about spoons, which I think is some sort of sexual metaphor, but who knows. Next, we talk about Darnell’s being nasty to Sara, and blah blah. Darnell talks about having love for himself, which I think is onanism. During his interview there is not one single mention of Dem Girlz. -1, Big Brother Editors.

And now, in fourth place (I predict Sara)…

REX!

The top three is really Mikey, Sara and Rachel? Jesus. Says a lot about this year’s BB, eh? Rex gets huge boos – no surprise there – and acts like he doesn’t care. We all know he loves validation. Poor Rex. Or not. He poses for photos by popping his collar like a twunt. “Nicole I love you!” Rex says at the start of his interview, and gets booed for it. So he boos the crowd. Then they show a video of him winding people up. He gets more boos. Rex is far posher in this interview than he is in the house. Brillo pads. Davina is curiously harsh and difficult to him. I don’t think she likes him. Anyway, after his best bits, we find out who is in third place. (I predict Sara.)

And it is…

SARA! This is turmoil here at BB towers! One of us had her pegged for the winner! So, whatever happens the winner is an almighty dullard. This is like Cameron Cocking Stott all over again. For an hour,everything is put on pause for an episode of Ugly Betty. At least it isn’t The Kevin Bishop show.