How Xactly Am I Meant To Cope?

I mean, really: Starting two TV shows in one evening with a Mariah Carey performance? Do you want me to top myself? (Ugh, not in that way: She’s like a trapped Spaniel.) Anyway, Mariah is singing a really fractured and ‘interesting’ version of Hero that she’s changed a bit. I mean, fine, she’s been singing it for ever, you’d expect her to be a little bit bored by now, but people want to hear a song, not an endless warble to a vague tune you might recognise. She’s oddly slightly off-key as well, and there’s a wind machine blowing her hair back a bit. I’m waiting for the XFactor kids to join her! Surely they’ll come out for a final chorus? OH YES! Here they are, all dressed in white. There’s a bizarre and quite horrendous high-pitched screech running throughout the performance – watch it again with the volume up and you’ll hear it – and it right set my dog off. At the end of the song Mariah points to the audience to claim that a hero lies in them, and she sounds drunk. Mariah then says that it’s very easy to sit at home and criticise the singers, but it’s hard. I think she’s referring to Big Bother, so I’ll take it as a compliment that she even reads us. Simon then calls her the biggest star in the world: he’s a lying little witch. Ten years back, maybe. Now? I think not.

Anyway, onto the real stuff, the stuff you care about. Rachel is saved first (?!!?!?!?! Because people like atonality?) followed by JLS (no great shock there), Alexandra (again, no shock), Eoghan (Ugh) and Daniel (WHAT THE FUCK?). So, it’s between Laura and Ruth. Poor Ruth, I suppose – I don’t see this ending well for her. Anyway, Daniel is through again, and that’s more important I think, that there are enough idiots in the country to save him and let somebody better go home. (Speaking of which, the John Sergeant thing on Strictly Come Dancing? No longer funny. Not even slightly.)

Ruth is singing Knocking On Heaven’s Door. I reckon that she knows this from the Guns N Roses cover, incidentally – there’s a touch of the Axl about her intonation. It’s pretty good, all told. She’s singing very loudly, and it’s in tune etc. Still, this performance certainly does feel like she’s knocking on heaven’s the dole office’s door. 

And so to Laura, surprise ‘Bottom Two-er’ of the week. Singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow – made recently famous by cancer, let’s not forget that – the performance is chock full of her little Winehousey mannerisms for the first ten seconds, all singing through her teeth etc, and then she sort of falls into her voice properly. She has a lovely voice, eh? It’s very over-sung, all runs and warbles, and nothing like the original tune itself, but I think it’ll save her, as her voice is very impressive. 

Simon saves Ruth, sending Laura home – which I think is tactical oddly, knowing that Louis will save Laura, and sending this to deadlock, rather than being about boobs – and then Cheryl saves Laura. Dannii then saves Ruth and Louis goes with HOLY SHIT HE SAVED RUTH! He claims it’s because he’s saved the person with the most fight in them. Okay, seriously, what the heck is going on? Daniel, Eoghan and – in all fairness – Ruth are staying another week and Laura’s off home? I had her pegged for a final 4-er. Wasn’t she bookies second favourite to win this week? Insania. 

Anyway, life moves on, eh?