The Most Foregone Conclusion In The World?

Forget today’s Murray/Roddick semi-on, this is the real competition: Freddie Halfwit, the toff with no social skills VS Sree, the rapist stalker pervert pain in the arse from India. Based on the crowd – who cheer Freddie, not even a mix, but a proper cheer, and pantomime boo Sree (as he deserves) – it’s not even going to be close.

Incidentally, I think we’re being fair and unbiased here at BB Towers, but if you disagree, let us know and we’ll tell you to do one.

Words cannot express how much I hate Kris’ pink swimming trunks. They’re so fucking Top Shop, designed by pricks to be worn by pricks who might want to appear to be vaguely metrosexual when on a beach so that they can seduce teenagers who don’t know better. He mounts Sophie Dogface in the early seconds of the show, which is nice. Inside, ignoring this brutal frottage, the housemates do the shopping list. Sree is – surprise surcockingprise – annoying as all heck, which makes Marcus do an impression of Sree. Important: it was an impression of Sree, NOT a racist impression of Indian people. In the garden, Kris and Rodrigo and Karly spur Sree on to make a complaint about Marcus. Oh, whatever.

(Incidentally, I hate these flashmob adverts, and most of all, I hate the twunt that’s singing loudest in the Total Eclipse one. He deserves to be fucking neutered.)

Sree and Marcus argue and both tell each other to shut up. There, that wasn’t hard, was it? Apparently it was, because Channel 4 drag this out for five minutes. FIVE MINUTES. It does end with Marcus threatening Sree a bit more than might have been necessary, and Sree saying that he’ll put Marcus “in a prison, and (you) will eat the dog food for ten years.” Which is brilliant, as Sree apparently thinks that every single prison in the world is the black hole of Calcutta. Noirin then tells Sree to shut up, and everyone stays quiet. Freddie then tells Sree he went too far, and Lisa – who is, honestly, an absolute cunny of a human being – and Kris leap on him and tell him to shut up. Brilliant, thanks guys – you are going to make Freddie win this thing. It’s like they’re playing games and cheating a bit but have forgotten that we can see them cheat. Considering how aware they are of being on TV this year, it’s really very naive.

Then, Marcus gets all threateny to Big Brother. They accuse him of being a bit racist, and he tells them to “step back”. He’s right – Marcus wasn’t being racist, he was being a dickhead, and there is a difference. That’s fucking off by Big Brother. I understand that they’re covering their arses, but he’s right – if it had been Noirin, he would have done an arrogant Irish accent; if it was Karly, a drunken whorish Scottish one. It was Sree, so he did an impression of his irritatingly repetitive voice. Marcus gets very angry, but I think he’s right to – you can’t accuse somebody of being racist and expect them to not get angry if they’re not being.

(These Lucozade sponsor adverts are so dreadfully unfunny I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Kevin Bishop was behind them.)

Sree and Freddie then have a discussion about the gay gene, and how Siavash is dancing a line of ‘nearly-gay’. Siavash would sex Rodrigo if he had to, and Freddie would sex Siavash. Remember when Freddie said that he was gay? I do. Freddie then claims to be one of the most manly people he knows, and also the most feminine. I wonder how he thinks that he’s manly? Anyway, Marcus is then called into the Diary Room again, and reminded of the BB rules, chastised for his language earlier again. You can see him grit his teeth. Marcus’ slight suggestions of slight and vague threats are apparently enough to give him a proper telling off, or, as they call it, a formal warning. Any more and he’s taken out of the house. “Marcus, is there any more that you would like to say?” Big Brother asks, and Marcus nods. “Yes, you’re talking shit. Think about the words I’m saying. That is absolute bollocks.” I do think, a bit, that Marcus was being slightly threatening, but he didn’t physically touch the guy, and people are FULL of words in life with no intention of acting on it. Anyway, this is dull now, until Marcus claims that he could kill Sree with his eyebrow, and then it gets dull again. And it stays dull as people talk and talk and talk about it.

RIGHT, COME ON BIG BROTHER EDITORS, YOU AND ME, OUTSIDE, NOW, LET’S SORT OUT HOW FUCKING DULL THIS SHOW HAS BECOME!

Or not, because I was only saying.

(That Samsung advert that claims that waiting is dull but impatience is best? What they are really saying is that only twats use that phone, because every single one of the people in the “FUN!” section of the ad looks like an over-privileged and ignorant wanker that I wouldn’t be friends with if you paid. I certainly wouldn’t buy a phone that made me like them, now, would I?)

Sree then chats with Lisa and Karly about respect. AS IF THEY KNOW THE FUCKING MEANING. (Am I swearing more tonight? I don’t care.) And then Freddie calls the argument from earlier as he sees it: “It’s Sree’s massive ego attacking and defending. He doesn’t believe that Marcus was attacking him, he just wants to be right. He starts arguments by attacking people and then plays the victim. It’s awful, he’s awful!”

Freddie, ladies and gentlemen: THAT is why you should keep him in the house.

Anyway, Sree is evicted – 85% of the vote, which is a landslide – and then interviewed by Judy and Kelly Osbourne. Suddenly, Sree wasn’t the most irritating fuckhole in the room, as Kelly’s vacuous mouth spewed shit all over the audience. Incidentally, she clearly hadn’t been watching the show, as she didn’t know who Marcus was and couldn’t pronounce Noirin’s name, which just made her look ever worse. Thank God I don’t have to watch her for the next ten weeks, eh?