You Are Not Live on Channel 4… Plz Do Not Swearz

In the early morning, before the alarums have sounded, Sophie and Siavash are called to the diary room. Why? Because they are in trouble for talking about om nom noms. They have a punishment: don’t swear all day. You know they won’t manage it, right? They’re not allowed to tell anyone else about the punishment, so of course everyone speculates madly (and incorrectly). ‘You just spoke!’ Karly shouts at Siavash, as she is stupid and doesn’t know what the punishment is. Also, have you noticed how tired everyone is looking? Karly and Noirin especially. Siavash teaches Sophie how not to swear – you talk very slowly, apparently.

Noirin weeps in the diary room, for a reason I don’t quite understand, but I suspect it’s something to do with Marcus. Perhaps she’s realised that a) he is obsessed, and b) she is encouraging that obsession. She says she feels ‘alone’ in the house.

Only a few hours in, and Sophie swears, so shes automatically up for nomination. ‘Who says bloody is a swear word, anyway, it’s in the Bible,’ Sophie reasons. ‘Fuck it! I’ll go up too,’ says Siavash in a pointless chivalrous gesture. So they’re both up, then.

Recently, Lisa has been picking Marcus’ brain about the type of woman he fancies. Today, he says, ‘Recently – I don’t know if it’s my age, or what, but I see women as wives and mothers, which is why I like Noirin, as it’s impossible to see her in any other light.’ ER… WHAT? What about a slaggy, only club in the town sticky floor flashing light?

Noms begin. Marcus gets a few (‘he’s a good artist. He’s a good draw-er, but that’s about it,’ Lisa tells us), but then Noirin’s votes start rolling in. And then Karly’s. This is ace. Lisa gets a fair few too, but it isn’t enough (‘She want to smoke, and have tea, and that is all,’ says Rod). So Sophie, Siavash, Noirin and Karly are up. My feelings for Noirin leaving are strong.

Then the housemates roll ball things in the garden and it’s really boring. And Sophie is on a diet. And Lisa only ate two sausages yesterday. Noirin is really, really narky. There’s an argument about food. This is it, people: this is what BB is now. Bring in the new housemates! Give me my flesh!