She Doesn’t Like You, You Know.

I want to think that Marcus is sweet and kind and thoughtful. He isn’t. He is, instead, really fucking creepy. He stares at Noirin as she scrubs pans, and tells her that he could take her “to heaven and back.” Then, the date that Marcus ordered with Big Brother takes place. Big Brother gives them oysters and strawberries and then plays ‘To Be With You’ by Mr Big, which Marcus and Noirin then dance to. Marcus asks for a “proper kiss,” but Noirin tells him that she can’t give proper kisses. I can absolutely see this ending in some weird drunken kiss/fumble/struggle that goes too far, really I can. And Big Brother will be complicit in that; they’re doing everything that they can to up Marcus’ creepy factor. Noirin’s just as bad, really: she could just tell him to fuck off, say that she isn’t attracted to him, and tell him to leave her alone. But she won’t, because she loves the attention. It’s just really embarrassing for all the parties involved now, and I do not like it. In other romantic news, Sophie’s dog, Army, comes into the garden, nearly explodes with joy when it sees her, and then runs around. Oh, wait, did I say “dog”? I meant “furry goblin.”

The new housemates – Kenneth, Bea, David, Hira, Tom – then enter the house, and there’s much screaming, as loads of people recognise them from the auditions. (Charlie recognises Bea from LAST YEAR’S auditions, which means they auditioned twice for this show, and were turned down first time around. We’ve got last year’s cast-offs, people. Aren’t we lucky?) Kenneth and Karly do some kissing in the toilet. Kenneth keeps saying something about how long he’s waited for Karly, and then they have a really passionate kiss, and Kenneth grabs her bum. Really hard. Then he tells her that their “time is limited” because he knows she’s going, and she cries loads. “I thought you’d be there when I get out,” she says, and he tells her that he knows, but “I’m in here now.” Brilliant. He’s very caring. All the women fancy Tom, btw, because he’s built like a fucking tractor. He’s been put in for Noirin, right? Sophie will think he’s for her, but I suspect he’s for Noirin. Anyway, then it’s eviction time, and Karly is booted. AHHHHH.

Now, I need to discuss something very serious. Hira. She’s a pretty girl. She’s polite. She’s THE MOST ASTONISHINGLY DENSE PERSON I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED. Big Brother gives her the new housemates’ secret task – that the new housemates have to complete a secret mission, to get the randomly selected Freddie and Noirin up for eviction, and Hira tells Tom first. “Be subtle,” he says, “or you’ll give it away.” The other housemates all react in pretty much the same way, saying that they think getting Noirin nom’d will be easy, but getting Freddie nom’d will be impossible. Watching the housemates is amazing. Noirin stretches back and sticks her boobs forward for Tom’s benefit. Bea cuddles Freddie and they talk in exactly the same way. David is already slotting himself into Lisa’s little box of troops, taking Karly’s place. It’s quite fascinating. Kenneth walks around like he’s in charge, then heads to the diary room and, essentially, says that Karly wasted her Big Brother opportunity by “devolving” (his word) into a moaning, complaining, boring person. She’s going to love watching that bit, I’m sure. He also thinks that he can win. “I’m convinced.” He “pursued” 4 degrees at Edinburgh University, which is nice for him.

Marcus is threatened by Tom. “He’s been put in to knock head with me. I’m looking forward to taking him down. It’s going to be hilarious.” Marcus’ self-image is a real issue, I think. Some alcohol and snacks are wheeled out, and it goes to the housemates’ heads. Rodrigo tells Hira how similar they are, because they’re from different cultures. Bea and Freddie drink in the garden, talk about “lethal bubbles,” then Bea spills champers on Freddie’s coat. When it’s bed time, Freddie gives her a goodnight hug. I love a good romance!