Forgone Conclusions Etc.

I’d liken this situation to when Leona had that fierce – not really – battle against Ray Quinn a couple of years back, really. Despite the ‘hometown’ cheering that we’re shown in all the VT segments, there’s really only one winner to this thing. You could see it in the first half, when the Bouncy Knowles duet ended, and Simon clung to Cheryl. He knows it, we know it. This is surely all just timewasting now. (Incidentally, if I’m wrong in 1 hour and Alex doesn’t win, I’ll be eating this website.)

So, VT VT VT, here’s that CBBC presenter in Naaarn Ireeeand, Jade’s ex-husband in London and Kym Marsh in London. I am glad they all got paid for their contributions! And then Beyonce appears singing the one-first-listen-drab-but-on-subsequent-ones-great If I Was A Boy (gr). She sings live, like a proper popstar (ahem) and sings really really well. She’s been this season’s best guest, and should get an award for that. Perhaps that could be a spin-off?

THE LINES HAVE BEEN FROZEN! One of the acts is going home. Well, going to the Green Room. And it’s… EOGHAN! Thank God! I’m sure he’s a lovely little goblin boy, but he did not deserve to be here, not with the other talents on display. He’s very gracious and wishes the other two acts the best of luck – I’m certain that one of them will win, so that’s a safe thing to say – and then they play his Best Bits and I fast-forward it. No shame.

Anyway, look, now it’s Christmas Single time. It is – as has been much hurrahed – the cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah done by way of the Jeff Buckley cover (one of my favourite songs etc etc – interesting thing to note, the Buckley version is FAR better than the Cohen, which is very drab and missing much of the melody). JLS are up first with their version, and it sounds very much like the original, but with some close harmonies. Still only voice and guitar and some synth strings, mind you, and it’s actually remarkably tasteful. Oh wait: It was. Then a choir appeared, and there was a key change, and some Christmas bells. Humbug.

Anyway, onto Alexandra’s version (and Cheryl looks very tired as she introduces her – this must be quite stressful etc etc): They seem to have kept the same instrumentation/backing track, but Alex is singing the shit out of it. There’s no two ways around it, this is already a far superior performance. And to think we all assumed that this song was chosen in anticipation of Diana winning! The same cheesy bit of swell and key-change happens, but the choir is almost drowned out by Alex. She’s quite amazing! 

(I would just like to say that, as good as that was, it wasn’t as good as the Jeff Buckley version. There’s an internet campaign to get his version to number 1 instead of the X-Factor version, and I have to say that I stand behind it. However, Alex’s was damned good.)

“That was just unbelievable!” says Simon, “You’re gonna win!” Cheryl cries. “You’ve become a friend!” she sobs. Wowser. There’s a recap, and an advert break and then some interviews and Best Bits. I won’t recap them: feel free to read the enormous backlog of Big Bother posts if you’re really interested. What do you care about? Same thing as me, and it isn’t seeing dirty twunt Jeff Brazier interviewing some women. 

And the winner is…

ZOMG IT’S ALEXANDRA! Strangely anticlimactic, given that it was a given, right? I don’t care: Justice has been served, for the second time in X Factor’s five year run! Alex is crying so much she needs a brown paper bag to breathe into. She blarts some gracious thanks into the microphone and hyperventilates as Cheryl pats her back. “I feel sick I feel sick!” she honks. JLS are interviewed: Orishe says “Thanks to us other have hope, victory after victory after victory!” which makes NO sense at all, and I suddenly understand why Marvin does all the talking. Alexandra gets given a copy of her single, and she cries a bit and then has to sing again. But, ever the consummate professional, she manages it. She’s teary and bleary and whatever, but she sings, bless her. At the end of the first verse her voice goes through the tears, but it is somehow more endearing. At the end all the 12 X people come out to celebrate with her and she does a little jumpy thing whilst holding Ruth’s hand. Cut to: Simon hugging Cheryl. Simon thanks everybody who has written about X Factor this year: YOU’RE WELCOME, SIMON. 

Now give us a job doing this for the official website and we’ll be perfect.

Congratulations, Alexandra Burke. The rest of you: See you next year, when we’ll probably be talking about American Idol. Probably.

[Hello! I’m back in an Edit! I thought you might be interested in this: The stats of all the votes cast this year over the course of the X Factor. To think! Until week 6 Ughan was ruling the roost! Madness.]

Ring the Alarum! It’s the FINAL!

Wah! It’s the final! I’m so excited, and I’m not even joking. Apparently, Alex is the bookies’ favourite to win, and if this show is supposed to be about finding the best singer, she should win. Please don’t let it be a Leon Jackson year all over again. Please make your vote worthwhile by putting it on someone who could actually have a career in the long-term.

The show kicks off with the finalists (Laura, Austin, Rachel, Ruth, Diana, Scott, Daniel Dead Wife, Bad Lashes, Girl Band, and of course Eoghan, Alexandra and JLS) singing Ain’t No Mountain, all dressed in white, messiah-style. Well, it’s not amazing, but it fills the time, yeah? God, I just know the producers are going to lead us on a merry dance tonight. This show is scheduled for an hour and a half, and the next part of the show for an hour. Ugh. Where’s Jarvis Cocker when you need him?

So, you know tonight is celebrity duet night, as well as Christmas song night? Apparently, Rihanna was supposed to be singing with JLS, but pulled out, and Beyonce is rumoured to be appearing with Alex. Crikey, that would be a shouting match, right? Oh, and Louis is shoehorning some business in by hauling Westlife and/or Boyzone in, too. After the ad break, we have some shots of the contestants’ hometown supporters. There’s loads! Do you wish you were there? God, I don’t. It’s freezing!

Here’s Eoghan Quigg, “representing Northern Ireland.” Nice one, Simon – get the regional voting firing on all cylinders. (I went to Northern Ireland this week. I had been there for about ten minutes before I heard Eoghan Quigg on the radio. EOGHAN MANIA.) There’s a VT of Eoghan having a police escort to his parents’ house. He kisses a hand through his limo window. Then he performs on a big outdoor stage. There are actually people (GIRLS) crying in the audience. Srsly, there are. HE IS  A SUPERSTAR. LET’S NOT LISTEN TO HIM SING, LET’S JUST ASSUME THAT AND VOTE. So, Eoghan starts to sing. It’s I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday, so it’s seasonal songs first. There are kids dancing behind him. His voice sounds OK, though. Sounds like he’s been having lots of tuition, actually. “You have no fear,” says Louis, which is odd. “I love hearing your fans here tonight,” says Dannii, which is a bit of a non-sequitur but no one says anything. “You go back (to Northern Ireland) as a hero,” says Simon. God, talk about laying it on thick! It’s not like Irish people couldn’t (or wouldn’t) vote for someone else, is it? Michael Underwood is live in Derry, where he is being submerged by Eoghan fans. See, this is what I mean. I don’t mind Eoghan, but there’s no need for him to win, just because of regional voting. I thought we’d spoken about this? Leon Jackson voting tactics are not a pinnacle to be reached. Remember what Big Bother tells you, or there’ll be trouble.

So, now it’s JLS with their Christmas jingle. JLS’s VT shows them going to Peterborough, to Aston’s secondary school, and then to London, where the other three band members are from. There are tons of fans. I read on some showbiz news site that there was some kind of rush to reach JLS and someone got crushed in the crowd. “It’s almost like [being in] The Beatles,” some member of JLS says, when they perform in Croydon. YES, IT IS. EXACTLY. Their first song tonight is Last Christmas. Well, you know, it’s OK, although Louis looks like he’s about to cry. There’s the obligatory key change just before the end, and though Aston seems to struggle to reach the note, the performance is, as ever, pretty professional. You get the feeling this is not the kind of music they’d out on an album, though. “You’ve already turned into pop stars,” says Simon. “It was a perfect song choice.” Jeff Brazier (remember him? Married to Jade Goody then woke up and realised what he’d done?) is in London with JLS fans. Again, there are loads of people there. A nun speaks. “JLS, we love you,” she says. Sacrilege. (According to someone, she was one of their headmistresses. Really?)

Finally with the last of the Christmas songs is Alexandra Burke. She seems thrilled to be in the final. Her VT shows her going home to London. She is on Heart FM, then goes to her primary school, where children crowd her before she’s even got out of her limo. She then goes to her mum’s (to a backing track of Leona, obviously). There is a lot of crying indeed. Then she goes to perform in some kind of bar, from what I can tell. So what’s she singing now, then? Well, it’s Silent Night. Hum. Dunno about this as a song choice, really. It’s a bit, well, traditional, I guess. I keep expecting her to rip her dress off and loads of leather-clad dancers to spring on stage. Maybe that’s just me – or perhaps I have been corrupted by Brian Friedman. Oh no, something has happened. A choir has joined her, as Cheryl starts to cry. Yeah, it’s a good performance, of course. It’s just not that memorable. Maybe she’s saving herself for her duet. Louis and Dannii seemed to like it. Simon thinks it was “outstandingly good”. That may be so, but will it make people vote? I worry, you know. Kym Marsh (which seems a tactless choice, given her Hear’Say past) is in London with Alex fans, who are screaming and leaping about. “Vote for Alexandra!” parps a small child.

And now it’s what I’ve been waiting for: the duets. Eoghan is the first to perform, but who will it be with? Well, he’s singing Picture of You, which is the Mr Bean Boyzone song. Brilliant. He is singing well, ish, by himself, and then Boyzone appear on stage, led by a gurning Ronan. Eoghan does a cringeworthy arm-dance, and you can tell Keith and Shane are just closing their eyes and thinking of the silent but joyous sound of a BACS transfer (or, alternatively, how much they hate Ronan). Eoghan seems very nervous, actually. “He’s a real star. And he’s Irish!” pipes Ronan. Been briefed by Simon, have you?

The second duet is JLS’s. Who can they be with? Westlife? Oh dear, yes, they are. They are singing Flying Without Wings. I was thinking about this song today in the shower, of all places, wondering who’d sing it this year. It’s so predictable. Westlife appear from behind some sliding doors, and it’s all a bit shite. Why would you get a group to duet with a group? And also, why use two such interchangeable acts such as Boyzone AND Westlife? To be honest, I’m disappointed, though JLS aren’t doing a bad job, by any stretch of the imagination. Will it make them win? I don’t think so.

So, it better be a bloody good duet, Alexandra!  I’m tired of Irish ballad bands. Show me something different! The crowd are chanting her name. She’s singing…er…a song that may be called Crossroads? Um, I don’t know, although I have heard it before. She looks lovely too, in a Girls Aloud Promise-style dress – even better than B, in all seriousness. And then she introduces Beyonce to the stage. Woo! Alex is crying, Beyonce is screaming, oh dear, it’s all so melodramatic! They sing holding hands, and it is, indeed, a bit of a who-can-control-their-voice competition, though an amazing duet – the best of this competition by a long, long way. “She’s a superstar,” says Beyonce. Beyonce looks a bit embarrassed as Alex sobs that Beyonce has made her “dreams come true.”

And now it’s the part of the show you may have actually been looking forward to most – the worst contestants’ song. However, this is going to be a medley of not only the worst from this year, but from the past five years. WOW. I bet they were hard to book. They are going to sing I Have a Dream. Michael Jackson guy spins round, a Ben Elton lookalike, the Eminem wannabe and a fat girl all sing in different cadences of one-deaf. The woman who loves Louis is carted on and blows kisses at him. The man who can sing long notes farts one out. Chicken factory Barbie Girl guy sings in a falsetto. Fake snow blows down. It’s awful, of course, but not in the way I was expecting. If anything, it wasn’t quite as bad as I hoped – just a touch boring, by the end. Meh.

Eoghan is now up again with a “favorite” song. He’s sing that High School Musical song again (you know, the one he sang a few weeks ago), with his backing troupe of jobbing dancers/singers. He makes fairly light work of it, but you know, it’s a pretty bland song, right?  Simon claps dementedly. the crowd chant for him. “I think you’re going to make the finals,” says Simon. I reckon he’s right. Two shrieking girls scream “We love you!” at Eoghan from the live link in Derry. It’s pretty scary stuff.

JLS have chosen to sing that ballad that I don’t know the name of again. (Well, sorry, but I avoid ballads like I avoid syphilis.) I reckon it’s probably called Already There, but I can’t be certain. I hate the song, anyway, though I don’t hate their performance. It is what it is, right? Jeff is rounding up JLS fans in London. “Can they win it?” he yells. “Yes they can!” murmur a few of the crowd. Hm.

And the last performance of this segment is Alexandra’s. She sings You Are So Beautiful again. It’s a great performance but again, a little boring. Why so downbeat tonight? Perhaps Alexandra is too versatile – I think she spoiled me last week with her amazing Rihanna cover. (It also doesn’t help that everytime I hear this song I think of The Simpsons – Homer hires a voal quartet to sing this to Marge, I do believe.) “You took my breath away,” says Dannii. “Tonight, I just felt something special from you,” says Simon. Ha! “I love Alexandra,” screams a fan into Kym Marsh’s ear, at the live link from London. “I love you Dermot,” says Alexandra, as she leaves the stage.

OK, so she’s a bit teary and melodramatic, but Alex better win, because if she doesn’t then we may as well crown Steve Brookstein as Minister for Culture – wrong on so many levels.

I’ve Got A Right Semi On.

The recap of these performances is painful. What a dismal Semi-final. If that sounds a bit sad, a bit defeated, well, you’re right. It is. On Facebook right now I have some friends with Status updates such as “doesn’t know who should win, all were amazing!”, “JLS were perfect again!” and, worst of all, “thinks that Eggham should win X Factor”. I mean, really, what’s wrong with people? I imagine some of those people are excited about seeing the X Factor tour as well. It’s coming to Cardiff. I won’t be going.

Anyway, let’s suffer through a performance by Simon Cowell-managed Popera group Il Divo, shall we? They sing Amazing Grace. I say “Sing”. It’s more like fucking torture. Here’s a suggestion, should God actually be listening right now: Load this bunch of slimy rape-eyed chancers into a small minibus, preferably one with very little legroom, and give them Baby P’s parents as the bus driver, making sure that they’re told to be responsible (because we know how well that turns out etc), and set them driving alongside a slippery, icy cliffside road at night with no headlights. Oh, and load the fucking Bagpipe player in there as well: this isn’t a funeral. Yet.

Onto business. There’s a little VT where everybody whines about possibly/maybe/hopefully not going home, and then they all come out and stand on the stage, and Dermot read out the names. Bet you couldn’t guess that this was going to happen, right? They’ve had over 2 million votes, apparently. First through to the final: JLS. Second through: Alexandra. And third through: Eoghan. Sounds about right. Eoghan and Diana have a cuddle and a cry – they’re secret kissers, you know! – and the audience go Aaah. Eoghan needs to man up and stop snivelling. Anyway, Diana’s VT features only her good bits – clearly – and makes it look like an injustice that she’s leaving, which it isn’t, really. Cheryl’s crying. And, once more, Diana sings White Flag. Again. Thanks, voting public: you brought this on yourselves.

So, next week is the final! Gosh, that rushed up, eh? Expect them all to sing a couple of songs, and then one to leave, and then the two that are left to sing Hallelujah – assuming that’s still the Chrimbo single. I can only imagine JLS’ version of it to be horrendous, so we’ll see.

Comfort Zones, And Getting The Heck Out Of Them.

It’s Semi time – oo-er – so everyone will surely bring their A-game, right?  All the stops’ll be pulled out, all bells and whistles, all magic tricks and Brian Friedeggs dance routines, right? So, what better way to start a show than with Ughan Quigg? Well, actually, I can think of 3 better ways (Alex, JLS, Diana), but we’re going to take what we can get. He’s doing Year 300 by Busted, and he alternates between singing reedily and shouting reedily. He’s most comfortable when “rocking out,” apparently. HE MEANS BUSTED. HE THINKS BUSTED ARE ROCK. He needs to listen to some Led Zep and grow some balls. Anyway, kick him out, he’s a horrid little goblin who will lead to a further degradation in the quality of the pop charts, and won’t be remembered in five years. In fact, winning this might ruin his life, a la Brookstein. Even making it to the final might do it, like Gareth Gates. Want to be responsible for ruining his life? Let him leave gracefully now.

So, Diana next, and she’s doing – Oh GOOD. One of my most hated songs, Avril Latrine’s Girlfriend. It’s screechy and wonky and occasionally yelpy, a bit like yodelling teen punk. “Hey hey you you I could be your girlfriend,” Diana sings, no doubt to Eoghan. THIS IS A TARGETED SONG CHOICE. Well, this is about as far from comfortable for her as I’ve ever heard. I have gone off Diana recently, after some terribly lackluster performances, and this continues the trend but at an alarming angle: this makes me think that nobody knows what to do with her in a music market, as this was shiteous. Still, I’d rather listen to her than Ughan, so vote her through to the final and then let her leave, eh?

Please, Alex, save us. Please. Please. Please Don’t Stop The Music! In what is rapidly becoming the theme of the evening, this is less about singing and more about shouting a bit and moving around so that it affects the quality of the vocals. Well done, Freideggs, that was a super choice. Still, it’s the best of the night thus far. “You sing, you dance,” he says. Oh shup up, I say. He’s been pissing me off more and more as the season has gone on, and now I can’t think of him without seeing a bitter little queen. Anyway, she gets good comments – another theme of the night, I suppose – and says something that I’m barely listening to that elicits cackles of “Nooooooo!” from the monumentally simple audience. You can hear the drool slop to the floor from their mouths this week, such is their level of mental degradation. 

Anyway, JLS. Will they pull it back this week? (Because, let’s be honest, they’ve been quite rubbish recently.) They are doing Umbrella – oh, original, I’ve never heard a cover of that etc etc. It’s okay. It sounds like Umbrella sung by JLS, with the harmonies a little bit ropey and – weirdly – slightly out of time. The reedy little one is still singing lead, and I think they are suffering due to it. He makes every song sound the same. Still, what do I know? I wasn’t responsible for Brian McFadden, and, therefore, Kerry Katona’s insanity. Louis is more evil than we realised. Cheryl says that they “cause some sort of hysteria in women,” and some women scream on cue. All the judges think it was brilliant. “There’s a big gap in the market for a band like this,” says Louis, and I think we all know what he means by that. 

We’re about to have to go through all that all over again, only with different songs. Brace yourselves.

Ughan again, with a “tribute to ABBA.” Oh God. Simon, this is going to ruin my life, isn’t it? Apparently ABBA are Ughan’s favourite group. OH SHIT. It’s Does Your Mother Know. Shall I cut and paste from above? “Alternates between singing reedily and shouting reedily” – how was that? Wholly appropriate, I think you’ll agree. Somehow, the vocal was worse here though. “Does you mother know,” he sings, no doubt to Diana. THIS IS A TARGETED SONG CHOICE. I did not like this even one little bit. The judges did, apart from Dannii. Sensible woman.

Diana is singing another of my worst songs ever – another cocking recurrent theme, how much X Factor can piss Big Bother off with song choices tonight – Dido’s White Flag. Now, it really suits her voice, but this is quite flat, and her schtick has worn so thin now I wonder if she can recover.  You can even hear the apathy in the audience’s applause when she finishes. Clap clap, they go, with very little heart. The judges like it, though Simon HATES the song itself. Sensible chap.

Now, Alexandra Burke is singing Toni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart. Difficult song, because so much is in a terribly low register. And for the first minute it’s pretty ropey, actually, and then a choir appears and she lets rip and it’s really good. I mean, it sounds exactly like Toni Braxton, but credit where due, she can therefore sing. Cheryl says it’s amazing, and she’s proud of her, and she’s just a legend. Sensible woman.

Now, JLS are singing a song I don’t recognise, but I think it’s a Westlife song, maybe. It’s a standard ballad, and they sing it well, and the judges go apeshit and offer to sex them all, one by one, moving down the row, just taking them live on TV. No, not really! Louis cries instead. Idiot. 

Anyway, back in a bit with the booted bugger.

And the results…

BRITNEY! She’s back! After everything! I read loads of possible guff this week, about how she is on a crash diet for tonight’s performance etc. Really? Well, whatever. Several mad looking circus-esque dancers leap about as she appears in silhouette – then begins to mime, badly. For heaven’s sake! You must have learnt to mime by now, Britney! This is so lacklustre, and I can’t help but feel disappointed.

And now we can find out who has made it to the semi-finals. The first act through is JLS. Louis weeps. The next person through is Alexandra. Good. Diana also makes it through. BOO! She screams gracelessly at the news. So it’s between Eoghan and Ruth. Eoghan gets through. I must admit, I am a bit gutted for Ruth. She should have made it to the semis. She sings Always again for us. Do you think we’ll ever hear from her again? I think we might. Louis is sobbing as she sings. It’s not that bad, Louis!

And so, next week, to the semi finals. Dermot doesn’t mention the theme of next week, so I guess we’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed.

Britney’s Tears

Oh now then. I do love Britney. I have her greatest hits and everything. I have even created my own special dance to Toxic. So you can imagine how excited I am about tonight’s Britney-themed X Factor. I have a feeling I can only be let down, however. And if Diana sings Not Yet a Woman, as I suspect she might, I will commit suicide. The format is slightly different tonight, too: each contestant/group will sing twice, and the votes are all collated through the phonelines, rather than the judges having the final say.

Ruth Lorenzo is our first port of call, as it were, tonight. She has “props, dancers, everything,” according to Brian, choreographer campordinnaire. I am worried already. So what’s she singing? Aha! It’s Britney’s stinky cover of I Love Rock and Roll! She’s a bit off in the lower register – possibly a mic cock up? – but ugh, yeah, it’s fairy nuff, and she does a good performance, belting out the big bits and doing a writhy dance in a matador-style corset as leathery men and bulls roam the stage. Louis “loved everything about it.” Simon thought it was “brilliant”, and Ruth becomes apoplectic – with delight.

Our next slice of Britney pie is served through JLS. They are still a bit gutted at having been in the bottom two last week. Well, I’m not surprised – they didn’t deserve to be there last week. They are singing Baby One More Time, which is a pretty weird choice. They do a good-ish job though, almost I must confess I never imagined it could be sung effectively as a group song. But they don’t fall into the Darius Danesh wank on toast self-satisfied sort of version. “That was a horrible song choice for you lot,” says Cheryl. “It didn’t really work.” Well, no, but it was not bad, by any means. Simon hates it, and Aston cries. Oh sadface.

Wah! Alexandra Burke is signing Toxic! Well, I’m thrilled. It couldn’t have gone to a better contestant. Ah, Alex wants to win. You can see it in her eyes. But oh my god, this version is weird. She is spun round in a wire cage whilst wearing a PVC flasher mac, which she throws off to reveal a black sequin dress. Her singing is too soft, also: this isn’t really a singer’s song (which is why it’s so good for Britney). I don’t know how she did the vocoder bit, but I presume she mimed? Look, I’ll be honest – I’d much rather listen to the original any day. The performance wasn’t bad, but you know. Perhaps she should have stuck to a ballad for this week. She seemed to enjoy herself, though. I think she’ll stay for now.

Eoghan Quigg is performing next. Oh, this must have been a difficult song choice, right? What on earth can he sing from Britney’s back catalogue? “It’s not my cup of tea,” says Eoghan. You don’t say. He sings Sometimes I Run. Well, it’s not truly shiteous, but it’s pretty watery and bland. As least he’s not off-key this week – just a bit forced. He is surrounded by some dancers in weird cheerleader-style outfits. Why? To distract us form the boring song? “I championed you from day one,” says Louis. Yuck. “It wasn’t as good as last week,” says Dannii, which is true. “I think all the guys are at a disadvantage tonight,” says Simon. Yep, true also. “I felt uncomfortable,” says Eoghan. Ah.

Diana Vickers now. I hated her last week – can she outdo herself this week? Oh FFS. She IS singing Not Yet a Woman, as I predicted, which is not only the most hateful song of Britney’s ever, but the worst song for Diana’s foghorn wailing. I almost can’t bear to listen. Oh yes, here she goes, adding extra, foreign-sounding vowels into each word for no apparent reason. Do you remember Emily from last year, the teen girl in Sharon’s group kicked off for being a school bully? You do? Do you remember that she too sang this, also badly? You do? Good – you can also feel my pain, then. “Every week you do the same thing,” says Louis, which is true. “It was pitchy,” says Dannii. “It didn’t work,” says Simon. Let’s hope she leaves tonight. I just can’t cope with more.

Now it’s time for the second round of songs, which asks contestants to pick a song from “All American pop hits”, rather than only from Britney’s works. Ruth is back with us, singing Always. It’s one of those songs you forget you know, but when it’s on the radio you find you know all the words, and is for this reason quite a good song choice for Ruth, in her rebirth as ‘rock chick’. She really does blast this one out, too, but it’s perfectly enjoyable. She has a big weep as soon as she’s finished. I don’t know why. It’s a bit scary. “It was a bit shouty for me,” says Cheryl, though she liked it. “It was incredibly emotional,” says Simon. But why? “I’ve never felt like this before,” says Ruth, though this explains little.

JLS now sing that ballady song that I can’t remember the title of  – is it You Light Up My Life? Anyway, it’s far more fitting than their Britney effort, though I’m not sure about the Messianic head-to-toe white suits. Their vocals are fairly strong, though Aston is a bit wibbly to begin with in his solo part. Still, all’s well that ends well, right? “You are back in the race,” says Simon.

Alexandra is crying in her VT before her second performance. Why? “I just want to make it,” she says. Cheryl is crying as she begins to sing. Why is everyone so emotional tonight? I’m not sure I’ve ever heard the song Alexandra is singing before, or if I have I’ve forgotten it, but anyway, she sings very well, although she seemed a little nervous at the outset. She cries at the end too. “You are the best girl singer in this competition,” says Louis. “You made me proud to be British,” says Simon, a little bizarrely.

Eoghan is next. “I have to get everyone on their feet, dancing and clapping.” Oh lord, what on earth is he going to sing? There is a MASSIVE troupe of dancers on stage, leaping about and doing a boy/girl gang thing. Of course it’s a High School Musical song – buy hey, this is his target audience, right? I mean, yeah, I don’t like it, but I’m a grumble-faced gullah. His singing is OK, too, I suppose, and he manages to do a bit of dancing. “That was very, very busy!” shrieks Louis. Eoghan also has a little cry. “I wanted to get up on the stage with you,” says Cheryl.

Finally, it’s Diana again. She begins with her back slightly to the audience, crooning to a guitarist (who, I presume, is miming). She is singing Everybody Hurts, and oddly it’s quite suitable for her waily old voice, because that’s kind of how Stipey sings too. Interesting, this. I mean, I don’t like it, but it’s not bad at all, and she keeps her whale voice breaking in check a bit. The last notes are very off-key though. “I could feel your nerves,” says Simon. “But it was a million times better than your first song.”

So, who goes? I have a fair idea, and also a wishlist: let’s hope they start matching up some time soon.

The Least Live Performance Ever ‘Sung’.

I’m sure I remember Same Difference singing last year. I must be mistaken, as in this performance of their first single – the aural version of marrying your underage cousin – is mimed horrendously. The girl’s voice sounds noticeably different to the clips of their performances from last year. “Different how?” I hear you ask, and I’ll tell you: It’s the unmistakable sound of some lovely autotuning. Her brother, Crispin Glover, sounds more natural, mostly. I don’t care. This is meaningless to my life, and yours, I suspect. When the song is over, the girl speaks into her microphone and it’s a bit broken, so we know she wasn’t singing. Louis then says that Same Difference are fantastic, and mocks Dannii again, then she licks Louis and says he’s “bitter”, and he shoots her a look of death. 

Rhydian up next – SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS 2007 OR SOMETHING JUST WAIT A LURCHING TALENTLESS SCOT WILL APPEAR IN A SECOND TO STEAL THE COMPETITION – and he sings that song that they sing at Rugby sometimes or something. He’s singing live as well, and as much as I am not a fan of his musics, I have to wonder how he didn’t win. He’s a league above the other finalists from last year. There is an EPIC key change in the song as well, and then some leggy women appear to sing with him. Cut to: Simon, smelling money in the air.

So, brushing aside the padding, we can now carry on with the competition itself. Here’s the order of safety (which, as we are reminded, is in no particular order YEAH RIGHT): Ruth (good for her), Eoghan (because people accept mediocrity as a standard), Diana (because lots of people miss the Cranberries) and Alexandra (good choice, because she has the best voice). Which means, of course, JLS and Rachel in the bottom 2. I think we all know who’s going home, right? Here’s a clue: there’s one of them, and they don’t wear co-ordinated clothing. 

So, JLS save themselves first with a good performance of Stand By Me – and it’s very good, much better than their… HANG ON. I am writing this real time, and the song just kicked in with a funky beat, and went all Jive Bunny mastermix, and sounds abysmal now. Maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m just not down with the kids? Started well, ended shiteously. Still, I’m betting it’s enough to save them. Dannii then introduces Rachel, looking like she’s crying again – pull yourself together, love, it’s an embarrassment now – and then Rachel sings that song from Dreamgirls, but doesn’t sing it very well, really, but puts some passion into it, some gusto, which might excuse her from missing some notes. However, she misses every note in the final minute of the song. Sigh.

Anyway, Louis and Dannii save their own, Cheryl saves JLS and Simon does as well. JLS are safe, and Rachel goes back to her two (out of a possible 5) kids. Next week? Another woman with custody problems rears her head in Britney week!

Come On Come On Come On Come On Take That Song And Ruin It.

We go into this week’s with the events of last year (sorry, forgot about Leon) 2 years ago ringing in our years, when Gary Barlow gave Leona Lewis his permission to win the competition, and rule pop as some sort of oddly charisma-free Queen. Of course, Barlow is back, and he’s brought his borderline-midget chum Mark Owen with him. (I used to love the song Clementine, by the way. Bet nobody sings that tonight.) Take That are opening the show tonight as well, singing that new single that sounds like a Coldplay song – and if you’re reading this, Chris Martin, you should really do a cover of it for a charity album sometime. Remember when the Take That comeback started, and they were all well turned out, clean etc? Well, now Howard has started to look a bit like a tramp again, Jason looks like a club singer working the Jumping Jacks circuit, Mark Owen looks like a 1980s pop star with AIDS and Barlow looks like… well, he looks like Gary Barlow, but a bit buffer and with designer stubble. Anyway, the single comes out on monday etc, and we’re on with the show proper!

Guess which singer Gary Barlow is talking about when he says this quote:

You’ve got to stop talking so much. Don’t say anything else. Stop it. 

That’s right: it’s big voiced diva Alexandra Burke! Her routine is “so big that [she’s] actually terrified!” apparently. She’s singing Relight My Fire – a cover in the first place, lest we forget – and done it all soul-ish for ten seconds, then falling into the traditional disco. It’s very low register, a bit Chaka Khan, and then the backing fucks up for a second and warps like a bendy record. She takes it in her stride. Uhhh, look, I don’t know what to say. It’s fine, it’s good. The fake friends in the performance annoy me when they beat up the man – it’s all a bit Mad Max in Chav clothing. Also, Alexandra’s hair looks a bit like a shih-tzu’s tail, and he dress looks like a posh bin-bag. By the end of the song her voice sounds a bit strained as well. Good crowd reaction though, and the judges like it. “She’s the best singer since Leona!” yells Louis, which must be hard for Katy Perry to hear. “Glad you didn’t do it like the original!” he squeals, although she did: the original isn’t the Take That version, Louis. It’s the 70s disco version.

Who’s next? Gary said this about them:

No si aqui a mi amor! If you flog them over the head with that big voice it becomes too much!

That’s right: it’s token Spaniard Ruth Lorenzo! She’s singing Love Ain’t Here Anymore – not my favourite Take That ballad, I must admit, but by no means dreadful – and she sings it like Ruth sings songs, all bit and growelly and a bit shouty and loud and soft rock. Louis finds it “faultless”, Cheryl finds it brilliant and intimidating, Simon found it “sensational” and Dannii is very “proud”. Ruth speaks about how happy she is – we don’t care though, bloody immigrants, coming over here, stealing our ‘talent’ competitions – and Dermot chastises her for throwing a microphone stand during her performance. 

Who was Gary talking about when he said this?

What’s hard is the blend, and you really sit – I mean, the blend’s perfect.

That’s right: It’s plucky young ‘urban’ foursome JLS! After getting in a sly dig at Robbie (“Look after each other, because as soon as one of you breaks ranks it’s all over!”) Barlow says that he sees a lot of himself in them. Oo-er. Anyway, they are singing Million Love Songs Later – I have a soft spot for this songs, I must admit – and it starts nicely, with the slightly runty one singing. The first bit or harmony is a bit iffy, but they quickly pull it back, and it sounds like a nice vocal harmony group rendition of this song. They do some funny bits where they stop the music and Runty growls, and where they slow it for impact, and neither bit actually works, serving only to throw them off a little bit. Anyway, it’s pretty good, which, to my ears, seems to be the theme of the night. It wasn’t even close to Take That’s version. And, what’s this? Conflict? Apparently the song got changed 24 hours ago because of a misunderstanding between the band and Louis Walsh! I wonder what happened? “Danni nicked their song!” says Louis, “they wanted to do Rule The World from day 1!” Well, they didn’t, and Million Love Songs is a better song, I think, so they should be grateful. (Incidentally, this means that Rachel will be singing Rule The World, which sounds like the worst idea ever. STAY TUNED ETC.)

Gary Barlow’s been chatting about another singer! I wonder which one?

She’s really lived life, more than any of the others. 

That’s right: it’s ex-crack fiend and old lady mugger Rachel! BUT WE DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT, DANNII IS CRYING! Has she had another break-up with Rachel? Was it because Louis is a spiteful and useless little goblin on occasion and had a go at Dannii about JLS’ song? Maybe it’s because Rachel did that gun salute last week? Anyway, Rachel is singing Rule The World, and it’s fairly off-key. I think she needs to leave now, really. She’s clearly out of her depth, and failing more often that she wins. It’s quite horrible in the chorus, very flat, almost atonal. Ugh. Brian Friedmann’s choreographic display this week involves some naked men and ropes. Well, I think I know why Dannii’s actually crying: She knew she’d have to listen to this for the next three minutes. It’s horrid. The judges are nice though, so I can only assume that they were in some sort of vacuum during the performance. Simon then tells Louis to piss off for being a “whining, complaining” tit, and Dannii cries some more.

Who did the Barlow say this about?

If Simon Cowell doesn’t sign you, I’ll do it tomorrow. Here’s my number. 

That’s right: It’s plucky young tartlet Diana Vickers! Fresh off this week’s tabloid storm – where it has been revealed that she an Eoghan Quigg are all affaired-up and torrid – she’s singing Patience. She makes it sound like a Cranberries song. Shit! It really does. This is pure O’Riordan. I want to hear her singing Zombie! Anyway, it’s alright. People go two ways with Diana – you know this from reading us lot, and our disagreements – and whilst this isn’t really much cop, it’s at least more interesting than some of the other performances tonight, and it’s better than Rachel’s. At the end of the song she claps like a braindead chimp. SEXY. Louis says he thinks she’ll have a recording career, and I think he’s right. I don’t think she’ll win X-Factor, but I think she’ll manage to make more of herself than, say, Leon Jackson. Her face is very ruddy around her mouth today, incidentally: I wonder if Eoghan’s pubes are growing in for the first time?

Who did Gary Barlow muse over with this tidbit?

Why aren’t you going for the high notes?

That’s right: It’s Diana-doing urchin of love Eoghan Quigg! Dressed in a delightful lavender tracksuit top and a big bit of bling, he doesn’t sing, choosing to loudly breathe the first lines of Never Forget. This song is a stone-cold classic. This version isn’t. It all sounds a bit High School Musical performed by Eoghan. Also, a backing choir appears to mask Eoghan’s lack of ability to hit the high notes – he isn’t singing them at all, despite the VT with the Barlow showing him trying to hit them. I can only assumed he failed. Watching this I realise that his voice is worse than Robbie Williams’, which puts it all into context, really. Ha ha! Louis just called him “The Quigglet”! Ha ha! Louis is redeemed! The Quigglet gets good feedback, and there we go. When Dermot interviews him he claims to have done the high notes. Liar. 

So, that’s the six who are left: I’ll see you in an hour or so to see who gets the boot, along with watching a performance by both Rhydian and Same Difference. So, I might have killed myself before I even know who leaves.

The Results

Leona Lewis is performing. First though, we have to watch clips of her winning the X Factor two years ago. Because we’d all forgotten, right? She comes out onto a black stage with tons of dry ice wearing some kind of gothic tutu. That must mean she’s doing a ballad. Oh noes! She’s doing Snow Patrol. Simon looks pensive. I can’t forgive him this. She’s not releasing this, is she? Oh god, apparently she is. The stage then lights up and a choir pops into view. This is so needless. Never mind.

So, now for the real purpose of this show: who’s in the bottom two? The first act through is Diana. The second is JLS. Ruth is next to get through, followed by Alexandra. The last person through is Eoghan, so it’s between Daniel and Rachel. No real surprises there, then.

Daniel is going first, and he is singing Bridge Over Troubled Water, and he does an OK but fairly naff job. What is it about reality shows that brings this song out? I really could do with never hearing this again. So Rachel sings next, and again she’s picked a Mary J. Blige song, or rather, Mary J. Blige’s version of U2’s One. She does a weird wobbly dance, but her singing is good-ish on this occasion, although a little bit patchy at times. I’ve noticed that with Rachel – she is quite inconsistent. I think it’s obvious who will be saved anyway, right?

So, time for the judges to decide who stays and who goes. Louis wants to send home Daniel. Cheryl opts for Daniel too. Simon chooses Daniel, and Dannii doesn’t even need to vote. Daniel seems to take it very well, with a smile and no tears. His VT almost exclusively shows clips of what Dannii thinks of his performances, which is not a surprise either. Ah. Glad he didn’t win, but he seems like a nice guy – and by the way, Big Bother never criticised him for having a dead wife, but rather criticised the programme for foisting his dead wife upon us at every opportunity.

Next week is Take That week! Well I’ll be. See you next time!

Beasts of British

With the rumour mill in overdrive this week (can a mill drive? Really? Curious. Anyway…), I have absolutely no idea what to expect of X Factor this week. I don’t think Laura will return, but apparently Diana is still ill (there’s a song there), so there have been various reports this week that she won’t perform. I’ll tell you one thing – I am disgusted she was allowed off last week. The only fair comparison I can make to her missing a performance is this: say she were an athlete, and it’s the selection heat for the Olympics. She’s too ill to run/swim/throw/whatever, but the judges put her through because she’s likely to do well, based on previous heats. But that’s not fair on the other athletes, is it? If I were too ill to go to an interview, I wouldn’t expect to get the job, you know what I mean? The thing is that Diana is NOT a dead cert to keep getting through week after week. Laura proved last week that you really can’t predict what’s going on this year on X Factor, nor why or how the public are voting. Dear me.

Anyway, this week it’s best of British week (songs from the history of British pop). That sounds like a name for a sausage. Hm. Leona Lewis will be performing later, but given that she has only released a few songs, I guess it would have been unfair to make the contestants sing only her songs. First up tonight is Daniel ‘Dead Wife’ Evans. He doesn’t mention his dead wife tonight, however; instead he goes back to his hometown and visits family and friends. OH NOES! He does mention his dead wife! But in a nice context – because his daughter looks like her. That’s OK, then. Apparently his song choice is difficult. Let’s see. He leaps out of a Mini Cooper to sing Tom Jones’ It’s Not Unusual. Yeah. It’s not great. A bit limited, as per, you know? Simon looks bemused. Oh, seriously, he’s not going to win, is he? Thoughts of Steve Brookstein are disturbing me greatly. “You were bad,” says Louis. it wasn’t bad – it was just a bit bland. “I enjoyed your performance,” says Cheryl. “It doesn’t matter what we say,” says Simon. Yesh. “I’m going to accept what it is.”

Next up is Alexandra Burke. Right, if anyone’s going to win, I’m starting to really hope it’s her. She’s made absolutely no mistakes and always does a great performance. Anyway, Alexandra goes home and hugs her mum and stuff. Good! Apparently her song choice is simple. What is it? Oh, it’s You Are So Beautiful (To Me). Yeah, it’s good – a little tiny bit boring, just a touch – but still very good. You see, never a foot wrong – it’s blameless. I don’t like her dress (looks like a joke apron of a fat lady’s body with black and white lingerie painted on – not that she’s fat, but I hope you know the aprons I mean) or her belt, buy hey, that’s not her fault. “I’m hoping you stay in the competition,” says Simon. So do I.

Can I also just mention that I hate the Carphone Warehouse sponsor ads? If I hear that bunny singing Like a Virgin once more, I will punch a wall. Or those sheep singing Tainted Love. They give me the creeps.

It’s JLS’s turn now. In their VTs, they go to their respective houses. They all have lovely enthusiastic families. I am a bit worried – are they doing a Beatles track? YES! Oh cripes. It’s I Wanna Hold Your Hand. It’s not bad or anything, but, er, not a good choice, really? The dancers are very weird also… Oh, hang on! This is a Beatles megamix – now they’ve changed to Twist and Shout. And finally, it’s Hey Jude. Oh dear. I just don’t know what to say. It’s not bad singing, or anything, but seriously. A megamix? Is the end of the night in Jumpin’ Jacks?  I don’t think Dannii liked it. “I’ve watched Take That do that exact performance,” says Cheryl. “It wasn’t cheesy.” WHAT? “This has got Louis Walsh stamped all over it,” says Simon. HAHA! “You’re going to look back at this and feel a bit embarrassed…”

Rachel Hylton now. She’s singing Amy Winehouse, I believe. Rachel was appalling last week, flat and raging. According to Dannii, Rachel has “apologised”. We have shots of her ‘looking after’ her kids. I seriously think she might go tonight – I don’t think her performance will be bad, but she’s going to sing You Know I’m No Good, which she sang in her first audition. She sings, and while it’s fine, it sounds a bit like an Amy impression, and her ‘woos’ in the middle, and her lying on the judges’ desk, are all a bit embarrassing. “Lick your lips as I soak my feet,” she drawls. UGH! “It was a little bit Stars in their Eyes,” says Louis. “This is what your voice sounds like naturally,” says Simon. True, but still – there’s already an Amy Winehouse in Britain.

Eoghan Quigg now. Last week, he did well – better than usual, certainly. This week, we see his VT of going home to Belfast. Ah. His family are all very cute. Apart from his dad, who, according to reports, looks like Uncle Fester. How churlish! Anyway, apparently he too has a difficult song tonight. That’s what they all say! He’s singing…er… Right, for the first time ever in X Factor history, I’m not sure what this song is. I am so sorry! I can’t actually believe this. Anyway, given that I haven’t heard the original, I think he did a good job – tone was good, and his voice has started to get more depth. What do the judges think? “You pulled me it off,” says Louis. “Good vocals,” says Dannii. “You scare me for the final,” says Cheryl. Yeah, I think he’ll be in the final too.

Diana Vickers is back! “I don’t want a free pass in this competition,” she says. Well, see above. Her home VT is pretty boring – no dead wives, new babies or illnesses. She goes back to her school too. Fun! In rehearsals, she cries that she can’t sing the song. Oh, boohoo. Isn’t it interesting that so many comments from the judges tonight have been “you don’t moan, you just get on with it” to both Eoghan and Alexandra. Who is the moaner then? I’m guessing it’s a toss up (careful) between Ruth, Rachel and Diana. Anyway. Diana sings Yellow, by Coldplay. It’s balls, you know. Yellow balls. She sounds like a cat and I hate it. I hate this song and I hate this angsty catty version.  She’s wearing shoes tonight, as well. Sell out. According to a fellow Big Botherer sitting next to me, even Dead Wife was better. “You looked like a raggedy doll,” says Louis. “I didn’t love that song for you,” says Dannii. “I don’t think you’re well enough. That vocal was off. I didn’t like the song.” Yes, Simon, it’s true.

It’s Ruth Lorenzo’s turn now. Her VT features her flying home to Murcia, Spain. Her friends greet her with a massive white gorilla bear. Of course! According to Dannii, her song tonight is one which “everybody loves”. I’ll be the judge of that! It’s Angels (Robbie Williams). I don’t think it’ll shock you to know that I hate this song. But that aside, it’s not a good choice for Ruth either. I think it’s too small for her voice. She also has some weird ballerina-angel dancers, who are a bit distracting. I really don’t like Ruth’s vocal, tonight, either. It’s a bit blah. Plus she misses the penultimate big note. UGH. Louis loved it, of course. Louis makes a strange joke about her boobs. “At least you make an effort,” says Simon, which doesn’t mean much. Sometimes I wonder if they are actually watching the performances at all.

So it’s anyone’s guess who is in the bottom two this evening, but I guess we’ll soon find out. I’m hoping for Diana, Rachel, and Ruth and Dead Wife – any combo from there, really.