Did you see me fanny?

Remember, this is the last time you will see Angel in BB. So let’s watch her skipping in her goth cross crop top. Brilliant. Karly warns Sree that he shouldn’t wash his hair too much, or the new black dye will come out. God. So the HMs will now have to put up with Sree being smelly as well as being annoying, if he showers less. Nice. Oh, and there is an evil discussion about third world debt (yes, really), which I won’t go into, because I’m pretty sure the only reason it was shown in the highlights was to make Siavash look good, and Marcus look bad (or vice versa,  I guess). Marcus then harasses Noirin about her bum. ‘I think Marcus fancies Noirin, you know,’ says Lisa, very un-perceptively. I know Marcus was never well-liked, but I do think even his mediocre status in the house is declining. He may well be up for eviction this week. I do like Marcus though. For instance, he’s now accusing BB of ‘cock-blocking’ him as he was perving on Noirin when the diary room calls him in. Which is quite funny, in its way.

Kris pretty much admits he needs a wank, or some more ‘attention’ from Sophie, because he can’t stand looking at Karly and Sophie’s bums as they exercise in the garden. Or maybe he just can’t stand it. Oh, and Noirin is being smug because Angel is cleaning, and she thinks it’s due to shouting at Angel (and Rodrigo) last night. ‘She used to be a cleaner, so why doesn’t she clean here?’ Noirin asks Lisa, missing the point entirely. I mean, if I were a pole dancer, I wouldn’t want to come home from work, having had  a hard day of gyrating,  and than have to give my other half a show now would I?

Sree does press-ups in the garden. It makes me feel a bit sick as his tracksuit bottoms cling into his crack. And he is topless. Marcus can’t help trying to beat Sree’s 11 press-ups, so 19 does on one hand. Sree tries to rubbish them. Siavash then does the clapping press-up thingies. It’s all a bit too testosterone spilling in the playground for me. ‘Is this impressing you? It’s supposed to,’ Marcus tells Noirin. This another thing I like about Marcus: he does tell it how it is.

I do hate Sree still though. Nothing changes there. Now he’s trying to wind up Rodrigo. (I don’t really understand how, as I seem to have missed the point, but it’s something to do with Sree telling Rodrigo to do something in the kitchen.) Poor Rodrigo is too earnest, and becomes upset. ‘I was joking,’ says Sree, but who knows if he was. Also, Angel states that she’d like to be in Bruce Lee movie. ‘One kick in the fanny and you’re down,’ says Lisa, emulating exactly what I have been thinking about doing to her.

Sree is cooking tonight. Would you eat it? I wouldn’t. According to Freddie, he is using Freddie’s own garlic in the meal he’s making. Oh dear. So of course, Sree storms off to tell the other HMs, because he wants to win popularity through this argument. Charlie then gets involved. I really dislike Charlie. That water incident yesterday clinched it. But mostly, he just stands there as Sree does most of the talking. In all seriousness, Freddie is probably making the most sense here, from what I can gather. Lisa then storms in, and says ‘You sort it,’ even though she has involved herself. This argument is an exact microcosm of what I don’t like about these HMs. Lisa getting involved in something that isn’t her business. Charlie being nosy, but not actually doing anything. Halfwit trying to explain his points, over and over. Sree kicking off for no reason. In fact, all these people are my most hated HMs (along with Noirin), so yeah. After everything, I don’t think Sree’s cooking is very nice, as even Lisa, Sree’s only real friend, doesn’t eat it. She massages his ego about cooking. Because I think he’s only done it once, so of course he needs rallying calls of ‘Well done! Good boy!’ Pathetic. There is a distinct possibility that Sree will be up this week, so let’s hope for that. Again, Marcus tells it like it is: cooking, as most seasoned viewers of BB will know, is a strong part of a gameplan – those who cook most, and well, will stay longer in the house. Remember Gus? Sree is playing us, and the HMs. Remember that.

Angel is evicted off-screen this time. Poor Angel. Lisa is praising Sree for getting over the situation with Noirin. As if. I hate the way she babies him. Marcus gives Noirin a present. Sree watches from outside. (Later, he witters on in the diary room about how he has no feelings for Noirin, by which he means he has, and nothing has changed.) Charlie, Kris and Sree pour into the diary room to cry for more booze. Charlie ‘jokes’ that BB should take a token in exchange for getting rid of Sree. Sree laughs, and so does Charlie – but his laugh is fake. Dogface is pissed, and flashes her fanny at Siavash, and falls onto Marcus. Is this playing drunk, or real drunk? If I were wearing shoes that high, I think I’d fall over… And yet…

Oh. Freddie is now massaging Charlie in bed. I want to cry.

I Find Her Store It Seem Like My Store.

Right, let’s get this out of the way first: Freddie Halfwit gets LOADS of cheers by the crowd when Davina calls his name, and Angel gets LOADS of boos. I don’t know how this happened, but the incredibly posh, boastful, arrogant and conceited twat has gained followers. (Political joke: Maybe there’s hope for David Cameron in the next election.) So, unless the crowd isn’t a barometer, Angel is off later tonight.

Anyway, the recap:

The housemates are all annoyed that Freddie is annoyed that he’s nominated. Sophie – a dreadful judge of character, as she thinks that Kris is a “really nice” guy – hates Freddie. So does Lisa. In fairness, Freddie did say he thought that he was nominated because he’s too clever, although I’d wager that there’s actually a fraction of truth in it. Anyway, Freddie spins some bullshit about wolves and followers and whatnot, and then claims – cockishly – that he thinks he’ll be in the house for at least another week. That’s irritating: he doesn’t know, Angel might have a LEGION of followers in the outside world.

Speaking of Angel, she gets some water thrown on her by Charlie when she’s making her outfit, and acts like it’s a second holocaust. Then she goes and dyes Sree’s hair black again, which is irritating, as she’s removing a potential source of comedy (as Sree panics that he might be turned into a gay by having ginger hair).

Look, I’ll be honest: I’m finding this hard to even write about. Lisa and Freddie are both being twats about their own egos, and defending or not defending Angel or something. Lisa is just as much of twunt as anyone else on this show, but she’s got a little following, which might be making me hate her even more. I’ve gone on a scale, where I originally hated Freddie most, then Sree, and now Lisa is drizzling her way down my filthy pole of hate to the base, where my spite clusters itself in grubby clumps.

And then, cut to later on, and I feel like I’ve missed something, as all the housemates are dressed in bin bags with filthy 80s hair (apart from Lisa, who is her usual “punk” self, and Angel, who has become Edward Scissorhands). Karly then sings I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing, and Sree does an interpretative dance to it. You couldn’t make this shit up. Then Freddie talks about who the sheep are, and that Kris is a wolf, and that he wants to find the “key to unlock (Kris’) soft side.” (Also, Kris looks like Dale from last year RAPE EYES RAPE EYES.)

An argument about washing up blah blah blah and Noirin is making the most of her boobs with chicken fillets. Also, who argues with Rodrigo? That’s like punching a kitten, surely? Fuck’s sake. Noirin is pissing me off as well. Her and Lisa can just go and do one. I hate them all, I think. Message to Big Brother: I don’t know what you’re doing wrong this year, but sort it out, because I hate all of these people and this show is becoming dull as all living fuck. Fix it please.

Anyway, who IS leaving the house? Let’s see if my prediction is correct, eh? It’s… Angel, and she’s drawn some creepy moustaches on her face in pen and is dressed a bit like Jack White. Anyway, goodbye you mental, and have fun.

This Is Three Times I Come In My Brain.

* Noirin is scared that her big bum might attract Angel to her!

* Sree is an obsessive and conniving little runt who does everything for attention, and is really hateful.

* Angel is, according to the witty and mocking housemates, a professional in every possible industry.

* Lisa is growing more unpleasant and aggressive by the day. She always looks unhappy. (But, then, wouldn’t you be, if your best friend in the house was Sree?)

* Noirin thinks that she has a better body than Angel, and doesn’t like Angel criticising her not dressing up. “Each day you need to look better than the day before,” Angel tells her, as she puts on her makeup. Angel self-image must be astonishing. “I enjoy being in front of the cameras, good looking, walking.” Later, when she tells Noirin that she looks three months pregnant, I think she sounds her own death knell.

* Noirin wasn’t lying when she said that the hand-drawn glasses stopped her being herself. The real Noirin has now come out, and she’s a bit of a twat.

* Marcus uses a pan-scourer in the shower as a sponge. His skin is made of nearly-iron, to stop people realising that Marcus is just a skin being worn by Christian Bale.

* Angel is, she claims, “A robot. I have half metal heart, metal joints. I am here as experiment. I do not have parents.” She is actually telling the truth here, though she does have an adopted father who is roughly the same age as her.

* She is also a dirty little tea-leaf, nicking stuff left right and centre, putting them in her box and her pocket. This is because she is descended from Magpies.

* Sree’s parents will be ashamed of him dying his hair, but not of his rape-face or his desperate need for attention through lying.

* Freddie Halfwit can stay as under the radar as he likes: he’s still going to get nominated until he leaves the house. He’d be better to get angry and go out in a blaze of glory, now.

* Sree looks really dreadful as a ginger, like some DragonBall Z character gone wrong. Watching Siavash trying to not laugh is hilarious. “He looks like a gay,” says Lisa. She’s not entirely wrong. “You look like golden boy, Sree! Golden head!” Angel says. Sree really isn’t amused.

* Freddie’s face when he’s told he’s nominated again is really quite sad. “I thought I might get a week off,” he says quietly. Oh God, he’s going to kill himself, isn’t he? Everyone is very nice to – and about – him. “You didn’t do a single thing this week to warrant nomination,” Marcus says, “that’s a load of old bollocks.” “I’m none-too secretive about my powers of observation,” Freddie then says, reinforcing why he was probably nominated.

* Rodrigo is slightly too bad at speaking English to be in the house, I think. He’s a lovely chap, but really, I can’t understand his sentences.

* I suspect that today will be the last that we see of Angel…

Live Nominations! Sort of.

The live noms will begin in the second show tonight, but first, highlights from yesterday. It’s day two of the Henry VIII task, and already some of the flakier housemates (Kris) have decided that they can’t be bothered to do the task (possibly because they’re scared of doing the volta). Marcus is the voice of reason, and of course Angel is going at it with all guns blazing. The thing is, they’ve had nothing but luxury shopping budgets since they arrived, so I don’t think they realise how bad living on £1 per toenail per month(or whatever it is) could actually be. So they decide to do the task properly. (They don’t know that Siavash has already failed his part, so they have to pass everything now.) Talking of whom, Siavash wanders into the medieval kitchen, and seems delighted with the spoils. The madrigal also sounds good. ‘You will piss all over it,’ says Marcus. I do hope not. Kris and Charlie watch their instructional DVD in the bath together, whilst downstairs, Siavash demands the pig’s head to be boiled. Rodrigo is called to the diary room, and I think BB takes the piss out of him, for not ‘hey nonny nonnying’. Is this a joke? Rodrigo is possibly not the best person to joke with about nonnies.

Some of the housemates seem to have realised that there have not been any calls to go and nominate. Karly seems quite antsy about it. Freddie is in the diary room anyway at this time, wittering on about how he is really worried that Angel fancies him, but that, had the cameras not been there, they ‘would have definitely definitely had sex by now’. He says he will teach her some ‘channelling’ exercises so she doesn’t jump him. Whatevs.

Anyway, now they’re having their feast. Whilst they eat pig’s head and drink mead, Charlie , Kris and Marcus perform. The volta is OK… But fuck knows what Marcus is plucking on his lute. Then the madrigal begins. Marcus does a scary dance whilst they sing. Yeah, it’s out of tune, but they do it. At least Angel is singing sincerely. Noirin is very supportive of Marcus, even though Sophie seems to be a bit shocked by his routine. (It wasn’t shocking, by the way. It was just bad.) Then there’s the obligatory ‘We’ve run out of booze’, how much has everyone had, oh, someone is lying’ etc. Apparently it was Sree who took it. But Angel gave it to him. Lisa gets irate then, because we know she loves a bit of this. Noirin tries to close the argument, but of course, Sree starts going on. SHUT UP. Anyway, to break up the tension a bit, Marcus performs Greensleeves on his recorder. He’s a bit shit. Siavash laughs. I can’t help laughing. It’s all rather sad. It’s his mid-note comments that are the worst. Oh, and Sree is doing his usual trick of saying he’s going to leave.

Dancing begins (aside from the task), and Dogface scours the table for any booze. Classy. Is she going to the bus stop any second to smoke all the fag butts, too? Siasvash is given a sword in the diary room. What can this be for? Well, it’s to knight a housemate. In doing so, the housemate he chooses will be immune from being nominated this week. He picks Marcus. Hoorah! Surely, this means Sree will definitely be up this week? I do hope so. And also, the result of the task: they have failed. Well done.

Oh, and Noirin and Sree have another argument, and she thinks he is a compulsive liar. The other HMs are oblivious to it though, as they have to listen to Angel making that weird humming noise again and drooling over her chin. Sree is wandering around in the garden again. ‘You’re talking about Marcus and Noirin again. It’s becoming an obsession,’ says Lisa. You think? ‘You either stay, or you go,’ says Karly, helpfully. More in an hour and 55.

Sree And Halfwit Make Terrible Wives.

I like Siavash more and more with every passing day, you know? He is – by virtue of lying – the most Blue Blooded housemate, so gets to play as King Henry XII VIII. That’s right, he can’t count Roman numerals. Nevermind, that can be tough, right? It’s easier to pronounce “Tudor” and “Courtiers”, right? Well, sure, as long as you pronounce them “Twaydor” and “Cawtiends”. Anyway, the fun of the task is that the gang have to recreate the court of Henry VIII, and do lots of little tasks surrounding the event. The first task? Siavash has to answer a quiz on Henry XII, so I’m optimistic that he’ll pass that with flying colours.

Anyway, one of the (apparently) fun tasks that we’re going to watch this week is a madrigal, sung by the housemates playing as Henry’s six wives (Freddie, Sree, Rodrigo, Angel, Sophie, Karly), and a volta, a dance performed by the courtesans, played by Kris and Charlie. This will be hilarious, right? Because it’s a song, and a dance! And we LOVE seeing them do those, as they’re done so rarely! Apart from last week. Nevermind, because we’re sure this one will be great, unlike last week’s. Anyway, Kris and Charlie then trap Rodrigo in the stocks that have been put up in the garden, and nearly sexually assault him. He squeals like a trapped goblin. Big Brother then reveals the new kitchen for the week, where Noirin and Lisa, the cooks, have to prepare the daily meals. These meals are sure delights as Roasted Hog’s Head and Boiled Tongue Pie. YUMMY, right?

So, are you wondering if last night’s sexual escapades left any lingering tension between Angel and Freddie? I’ll let you decide. Angel does his makeup for him, and says the same phrase over and over: “Oh baby, I’m gonna jump on you.” Freddie looks terrified. He has truly wandered down a path from which there is no return, eh? In the kitchen, Noirin and Lisa have spent 2 and a half hours preparing that evening’s dinner, and they still haven’t plucked a chicken yet. Watching Lisa pluck it is sexy weird. “Just think, they had to do this to get chicken in the olden days,” Lisa says. “They still do now,” reassures Marcus. “Chicken arse is meant to be tasty; I’ll have the arse,” says Siavash. I’ll just bet that he will.

But before he can eat that arse, he needs to answer a quiz about Henry VIII. If he gets a question wrong, Marcus – the village idiot – gets splattered with rotten fruit whilst trapped in the stocks. This happens a lot. So many times, in fact, that Siavash fails his part of the weekly task. We don’t yet know what that means in the grand scale of things. And then CURVEBALL!

Angel is – WAIT FOR IT – in love with Noirin. (Join the fucking queue, apparently, behind Marcus and Sree.) That’s right, she’s a lesbian. I did not see that one coming. The kissing with Freddie? Just play, not sexual. “Lisa does not like me, as she can smell that I am a lesbian,” Angel says. In the kitchen, Marcus cuts through the leg of a pig. “Is it bad that I’m turned on by this?” Marcus then runs out with the trotter. “I’m going to put this on somebody’s shoulder!” he shouts. “I AM NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH!” howls Sree, and then Charlie, taking the trotter, puts it down the back of Rodrigo’s dress. “Some people take it too far, don’t they?” asks Marcus, annoyed that he didn’t get there first. (Incidentally, I used to like Marcus, or at least was optimistic that he could be a funny chap. He is getting more irritating by the day.)

Siavash then, as Henry, gets to choose a housemate that doesn’t get to nominate in this week’s evictions. “Nobody wants to nominate, right?” Siavash asks, trying to decide who to pick, but they all look a bit concerned. Of course they want to vote! People act like it’s hard – it’s never hard to get rid of somebody you don’t like any more. He picks Charlie. “Should’ve done Sree,” Marcus and Noirin say to him afterwards, as Karly shows remarkable nous concerning who/how Siavash made his pick. (I think she’s quite clever, actually, quite perceptive.)

Angel then spends some time stumbling around the house naked, then goes for her naked swim. The housemates crowd around the windows like she’s the fucking aurora borealis. “It’s the first time I’ve seen it!” Sophie crows. Good on you, pet.

It his Birthday!

It’s Halfwit Freddie’s 24th birthday today. Don’t you think he looks a bit older? (This is not an attempt to be bitchy. It’s just an observation. You’d know if I was being bitchy.) BB has arranged a special hippy birthday for Freddie, because, clearly, he is one. All HMs have to dress as hippies. They also have to perform a series of tasks. Freddie wanks over it in the diary room. (Well, he doesn’t, but he may as well. Singing is like his wanking.) One of their tasks is to give a free-form performance in the garden, singing and dancing. By the way, the performance is a bit rubbish. I think the task producers think we like this sort of thing, but, for the most part, we don’t. Do the sleep deprivation task! Freddie would be REALLYgood at that. Joke. Freddie and Lisa look really quite alright in their wigs. That is strange, too. Karly looks great in a brown wig. This is not so odd, as we all know her scratty blonde hair is fake.

Why is Marcus trying to sort out his issues with Sree? He is the most unreasonable person in this year’s BB. It’s not going to work. Then of course, he goes out to tell Lisa and Karly, his main supporters. God. It’s all so childish. Marcus can’t stand it and bursts out of the bedroom. ‘You’re doing it again!’ Sree tries to insinuate that Marcus ‘disrespect woman’. Because of course, Sree doesn’t. Noirin and Dogface hide in the garden. Good idea. The cameraman wittily pans to a poster saying ‘Peace’ by the sofas. Ho ho.

In the garden, Kris is pretending to be a hairdresser. Charlie pretends to be upset when he cuts his wig. This is really strange. Sree is now pretending he wants to leave the house, presumably for more sympathy. ‘Housemates need to deal with it,’ says diary room BB. Haha!

Presumably because it’s his birthday, Freddie’s whims of chatting shit are being indulged as part of a ‘presentation task’. Siavash (as I joke, I think), asks him to sing. God, I am nearly crying with embarrassment. There are several snorts as he warbles away. Then the HMs read out odes to Freddie. hey have therefore won a party, and some tokens. Wow. That was hard-fought. BB also gives Freddie a present. But it’s not a present for him, necessarily… He can pick to be renamed Freddie, to rename Dogface to Sophie, or get rid of Noirin’s glasses and moustache. He picks Noirin, with no hesitation.

There is a party. There is music. Angel is dressed like an angsty, slightly goth-90s-schoolgirl (think ‘The Craft’, here). Why does she have a fetish for Freddie? She winds his tie around him and herself, and flicks her hair in his face. They snog… Is this a joke? She is absolutely loving it. He tells Siavash it was ‘wonderful… But sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.’ She drinks raw egg, remember. RAW EGG. Dogface tells Marcus he’ll get flocks of women when he leaves the house. ‘I do anyway,’ he says. Outside, they are playing dares, and they make Angel and Freddie snog again. Sree asks Angel if she likes Freddie. ‘You kiss him!’ ‘It his birthday!’ she retorts. This is like a bizarre panto. Then he does a dance to Womanizer in his pants. Then he starts coming on to Charlie. ‘Would you like Indian boys?’ he whispers. Honestly, I promise that I am not making this up. ‘I just playing around,’ he says. Hm.

Up to My Nuts in Guts

So you know how Dogface Sophie says she’s be happy if she was evicted or if she wasn’t, had she been nominated? Well, that’s weird. WHAT ABOUT KRIS? Sree and Charlie are attempting to kiss, this morning. So Sree has found a new victim, has he? He is also, according to Charlie, putting his ‘filthy’ hands down Charlie’s pants. This would not surprise me in the least. Last night, Noirin said that they were going to have an alone day today, so let’s see how Sree gets on. Well, he is going mad, that’s what. Karly seems to antagonise him, saying something along the lines of Noirin is throwing Sree’s ‘friendship’ back in his face. Eh? Also, according to Freddie, Kris is smug about ‘going out’ (heehee) with Sophie. Freddie thinks that Kris views him as ‘working class’. IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?

Oh grad. Is this episode going to be ALL about Noirin and Sree? Here is how much I care:

 

I.e., not at all. I refuse to talk about it. Instead, I will tell you that Siavash is demanding a blow job off Cairon if Cairon is evicted. Did this happen? Well, I’d like to *think* it did. ‘I’m Christian, but I don’t know what it means,’ Dogface tells Freddie Fuckwit. ‘I don’t think there’s a bloke who turned water into wine, ‘cos if there was, I’d be friends with him,’ adds Kris, helpfully. ‘But a lot of people die,’ says Dogface, ‘so where do they go?’ Look, none of you can replace Jade Goody’s (RIPPPPPPP) ‘East Angular’, so don’t even try.

It’s cleaning day today. You know – when the housemates wear suits and clean the house? The producers/housekeepers/whatevers make them do this every now and then, but I don’t know why, because surely if the house is filthy more arguments (and hopefully some gastroenteritis – that’d keep ’em down a few days!) would break out. 

Since their shopping has been delivered, some cider has gone missing. Ah, this takes me back. To every single BB ever. Dear editors: this is not very interesting. Two cats are fighting outside my window: that is far more entertaining. Angel seems to be the main accused here.  But now, the cider has been found by Freddie, in the fridge. Oh dear. Angel is sad. ‘Fuck you all,’ she stomps. Charlie hugs her, though he was one of the loudest accusators. I wonder about Charlie? Fake? I think so. A bit. There’s nothing really wrong with that – this is BB, after all, but still. ‘I knew for a fact you didn’t touch anything,’ he tells her, which is a LIE. She does some weights by herself to cheer herself up. She is a mad one. Sree accuses Marcus of never brushing his teeth. ‘I have some mouthwash if you want some,’ he taunts. Christ. He is being really weird tonight. I mean, I know, I know, but but he looks like a man on the verge of a kill/rape/suicide today. ‘You can give them enough rope to hang themselves,’ says Noirin, talking of Sree’s rude comments. Quite.

Cairon is gone. Siavash sobs. It’s quite sweet, really. No one seems to believe it. ‘Watch our for Freddie!’ cries Noirin. Cairon seems oddly unmoved. Freddie laughs (after Cairon has gone – he’s not that tactless) and flops onto the sofa. Apparently, if Angel drinks wine, she’ll go mad ‘and paint Big Brother house with blood.’ Sree’s blood, I do hope.

‘She so dumb and thick.’ Yes, Sree is talking about Noirin again, this time to Lisa, who stupidly orchestrates a meeting between Sree and Noirin to try and clear the air. But she won’t go outside to talk to him. He’s got to be up for eviction this week, hasn’t he? ‘You’re molly-coddling him,’ Noirin tells Lisa. It’s true. And it’s not just Sree: Charlie feels down too. He goes to give Sree a kiss. God, just let him fucking stew. Hopefully he’ll walk out. Lisa is a shitstirrer, too: she can do one. Now she is getting everyone to think that Noirin is weird for sticking up for Marcus. This is irksome and childish. Karly fucking loves it, as she hates Marcus. Today, I hate them all. AND I AM ALL THAT MATTERS.

PS Charlie dry-humping Angel is just horrid, OK? Although Charlie trying to eat Freddie’s face was funnier.

He’s Lippy. On One Side He’s Intelligent, But Then He’ll Flip His Lid.

WHO IS GOING TO LEAVE?

My prediction, written at 9.03pm is – controversially – Cairon.

Anyway, as for yesterday’s ‘action’, such as it was, it begins with one of those scintillating conversations about whether Sophie Dogface really fancies Kris or not. Kris is part of the conversation, and it’s all very high school. Hang on, I smell a gimmick for this post: IT’S A VOTING EXTRAVAGANZA!

Go on, vote! Anyway, Noirin and Sree are having a little lovers’ tiff because of the cider. Sree is a weird prick, eh? We say it a lot around these parts, but he creeps me the fuck out. The only upside of him being in the house is seeing people – like Marcus, say, to pick a random name – wind him up. Sophie and Karly then have a conversation about whether she fancies Kris. I’m glad that they’re having this conversation after she gave him a hand-job. Imagine doing it before?! Madness. Sophie is wearing weird faux-sexy stockings that look uncomfortable on her, and make her weirdly top heavy. Her legs look snappable, or possibly undernourished. POLL TIME!

Karly and Dogface then stop talking about Kris, and talk about Marcus. He keeps going on about when they’re going to get their boobs out, and they don’t like it. Apparently he’s a bit letchy. REALLY? The single 40-year-old man who dresses like Wolverine and lives at home with his mum has the potential to be a letch? I didn’t see that coming. Some housemates discuss their living situations; Freddie lives at home with his parents and “80 other rooms”. What a c*nt.

The housemates then dribble in the garden and do some rubbish exercise, and Charlie acts like a moron. Oh, but don’t worry! He’s harmless! Let him dick about! Inside, Freddie advocates drugs and Rodrigo goes insane with anger. Freddie defends his point: he thinks marijuana should be legalised (WHICH IS A FUCKING SHOCK, RIGHT?). Rodrigo gets very upset about it. Bless him.

Angel then sort-of starts to rape Sree or something, but we but to Marcus telling Noirin that it’s sexy, watching her cook. She has her glasses still drawn on her face. “I’m very maternal, I love being a housewife. But I don’t want to to be *just* a housewife,” she says, thus alienating the primarily housewife-led audience of BB. Sree then just grabs a handful of cheese, Marcus tells him off, and then Sree just retaliates. “Fuck off you dirty bastard!” Sree says, and then predicts a big argument between the two of them.

There then follows a litany of WRONG. Freddie talks about getting more column inches than the recent elections. Angel vibrates her lips together, and claims that she’s making ultrasound. Siavash draws a smiley face on Cairon’s bum. Kris puts his face between Cairon and Siavash’s bums for a picture.

And then, Freddie and Siavash provide musical backing for Cairon to rap to. He’s not the world’s best rapper. (He’s no Darnell. DEM GIRLS! etc.) Sree then talks about how annoyed he is that Marcus is talking to Noirin. “He keeps on following her,” he says. Uh, okay. What?

No, seriously, he’s creepy, right? He keeps leaning over Noirin and sticking himself into her conversations with other people, and saying, “I’m only joking,” over and over. “Fuck off,” she says to him, and he tells her to “say sorry. You mention my name, you offend me. Piss off.” Wow. Heated stuff, there.

Anyway, this is all about the eviction, and… They’re now announcing it after the break. I refuse to watch 8 Out Of 10 (very unfunny) cats, so I’ll update this in the morning.

Anyone got a coathanger?

Angel starts her day by drinking mayonnaise mixed with hot water. YUM YUM. “I not chew,” she says, though she will drink. She also drank a raw egg earlier. I cannot explore how ill it makes me feel. Halfwit is strangely caring about her hunger strike. “My only concern is your energy levels.” Noirin think that Angel swimming in the pool naked is an attention this. OH YES? More on Noirin later. Twit. Angel tells Charlie she will also drink his sperm. Deee-licious.

Remember their task? They are still practising, and getting angry, and being tits in general about the rehearsal, the performance, about the possibility of failure. I shan’t waste your time by telling you about this naffery. I will tell you, though, that Sree acts like a particularly hateful child when asked to clean up/wash up/stop expecting others (the women?) to do everything in the kitchen.

According to some housemates, Angel is no longer on her hunger strike. But is she? I don’t know. She certainly isn’t eating much, if she is eating. BB asks if she is alright. “I’m an artist… For me, it’s very painful what’s going on with Noirin… But I’m strong… I’m giving my power.” What the fuck? I think she means she is still doing it to support Noirin’s upset about having glasses drawn on her face. FFS.

They perform the Ol’ Bamboo dance. It’s alright. They do a pretty good job. Tell you what – it’s looooong. Charlie is balls, as well. While they wait for the results, Marcus shows us the inside of his nose. Lovely. And oh, what a surprise. Noirin is tired of Sree’s rapist techniques friendly advances. The results of the task? Northern BB tells them that Dogface, Sree and Charlie all made mistakes. (REALLY irritatingly, Sree just shrugs, like he couldn’t have helped it.) Anyway, they pass, regardless, just as Big Bother predicted.

UH OH. Cairon is still moving in on Noirin. He asks to see her nipples. “My nipples are my party piece. I can hang coathangers off them and stuff like that.” OH, HOW EROTIC. Marcus states, correctly, that Sree is mostly hated on this side of the real world. Noirin is surprised to hear that Sree is a virgin. How on earth can she be shocked? Marcus tries to get Noirin to perform her party piece, but she won’t. I bet she would if she were up for eviction, though. REMEMBER HOW HARD SHE WORKED TO GET IN THERE. She tries to reaffirm to Sree that he smothers her, which is not good for her as she’s an independent woman. Throw your hands up at meeee! She agrees on a codeword with him for when she needs her own space. How very S&M of her. Then she calls a truce and kisses him! Honestly. If she doesn’t stop this soon, it’s going to look like she’s enjoying the attention… If I had a sex pest harassing me, I certainly wouldn’t kiss him (I’m assuming my sex pest would be a man, but there’s no reason that my sex pest wouldn’t be a woman. I’m just saying, is all).

OH LOOK. Here is Noirin promising to get her tit out for a can of lager. Great stuff. Her religious and moral beliefs are very important to her, remember? And she thinks Angel is attention seeking by getting naked, remember? Marcus is insistent that she do it. He better calm down, or he’ll get a sex pest rep too. Hm. I think he already has. Sree is trying to smile about it, but secretly plotting Marcus’ (and possibly Noirin’s) death(s). Sree tells Lisa that Noirin is upset by the discussion – but of course, she is relishing it. He just wants Lisa to kick off at Marcus again. Marcus admits that Noirin is his favourite girl in the house. “It’s the [her] cooking,” he says, “and the tits and the face and the arse.” God, I know he’s awful, but I’ll put it out there: I find Marcus quite amusing. I suspect he’ll do something soon that crosses the line, however, and turn himself into another Maxwell (BB6)-type woman botherer/hater. But at least he does the washing-up. And while all this is going on, Sree cries in the garden. Haha. I love his suffering. Oh, and Angel has decided to go off her hunger strike. “I prove what need to be done.” BUT DID SHE?

I Eat Cool. I Breathe Cool. I Shit Cool. Think You Can Beat Me? I’m Captain Cool As Fuck, Can’t Be Done.

Apparently, Channel 4’s censors stop us from hearing Siavash say the word “Wanker” but WILL let us see Angel, stark naked, getting ready to go for a swim. Words cannot express what she looks like, so I’ll give you a photo of the weird little alien boy, and let you work it out for yourselves.

*Shudder*

Anyway, that’s one thing you’re guaranteed of a morning in the BB house; the other is Sree, pulling himself closer to being a sex pest. Noirin is getting riled, you can tell, snapping at him. “People are saying rumour,” Sree tells her, and she bites his head off. “I don’t care, we’re friends, let them tell rumours!” The issue here is that she knows they are talking about Sree being a sex pest, not an “Are They Or Aren’t They?” style discussion, and Sree’s constant niggling, calling her “My Darling” or whatever and giving her constant – CONSTANT – hugs. He’s an irritant, and if this wasn’t on TV I guarantee that she would have told him to fuck off by now.

The shopping task this week is to learn a dance routine from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, to the song Me Ol’ Bamboo. I hate this sort of task. I think that Big Brother thinks it’s fun to watch, but it’s really not. We want to see them NEARLY fail, or actually fail. They’ve have it too good. This one? They’ll pass it easily. YOU READ IT HERE FIRST! Anyway, there’s already arguments about it. “I am trained dancer,” says, Sree, “are you happy, Marcus?” “As long as you don’t fuck about when we’re rehearsing,” Marcus replies. “Oh shut your face,” says Sree, escalating the argument. Oh, for God’s sake. I hate him. I can’t even hide this. I hate him more than I hate Freddie Halfwit. At least he isn’t a rapist overly defensive moron. Freddie actually has a good idea today; using Noirin to talk to him, because he’ll listen to him. He delivers the idea in the world’s most twunt-like manner (“Patience and pragmatism!”) but it’s a sound idea.

Anyway, they split themselves into groups to rehearse for the performance, and one group, majestically, manages to worry everyone else: Sree, Marcus, Angel and Freddie. I mean, really. If any group was likely to fuck up this performance, it would be them, right? Or maybe not, as Charlie reveals in the diary room that he can’t dance, and doesn’t know why he was put forward as the lead dancer. They do a big group rehearsal and it’s dreadful. NEEDS WORK D+

It’s time for the housemate nominations to be told to the house! Nobody says a word when Halfwit is announced, but Cairon? That gets a round of “CAIRON?” exclamations, and Cairon furrows his brow and looks angry. Freddie then talks to Angel, and she looks absolutely clue as to what he’s talking about. Here, you try: “Right brain, think about it, pffft. I mean, seeing through a haze, just through the fog.” He then sings A Foggy Day. He is dreadfully evil.

“Sree, you’re going to get all the blind and deaf girls,” Cairon tells Sree. “What’s wrong with blind womans and deaf womans?” he asks. Nothing, is the answer; though, they’re probably not watching Big Brother in the first place.