I’ve Never Even Seen A Willy!

(Tonight’s post will be written by an excitable 16 year-old girl.)

Marcus had a dream, right, OMG, I can imagine! And he was wrestling some old man from the WWE and then a “nice bird” was there and she threw him on the floor, and then OH NO BIG BROTHER! Why would you interrupt that dream-story? It was SO FUNNY! Anyway, it was interrupted so that housemates could get some small tupperware boxes of cereal from the cupboards, and Bea is ANGRY because Lisa wouldn’t give her Frosties when she gave her SO much tobacco the day before, so Lisa shouldn’t be shocked if Bea wants some of that tobacco back today. Then Lisa is all, “COME AND GET THE FROSTIES!” shouting all like that, and Bea says, “Don’t you dare shout at me!” which is absolutely right, because that LEZZER shouldn’t shout. Nobody likes her, not even David, he’s just obsessed with some other lesbian designer, so what does he know? NOTHING, apart from being from the North and being gay and being fat. (He said that he’s a 32inch waist. NO WAY is he that, NO WAY NO WAY.) Then Bea who is SO two-faced goes into the garden and makes peace with Lisa when nobody else is watching because she is that two-faced.

Rodrigo – OH MY GOD HE IS SOOOOO CUTE like a little kitten but with a cock though I bet he doesn’t have any hair, you know, on his pubes – then gets angry about not having chocolate mix when the house is making the shopping list. He is SUCH a primadonna! Hera – she is SO pretty OMG – sings a song in the garden and she can’t sing, not really, but she is SO pretty it doesn’t matter, then that big gay David starts singing and he ruins it. If he did that to me I would slap him and be all, Get off you big poof!

I don’t like Siavash’s beard, you know? I reckon if you kissed him it would really itch, and I get it smells a bit. Most beards do, right? They smell, like cigarettes and pork pies and that stuff that old men in pubs drink? Ale, is it? UGH. Anyway, they think Hera is playing at being nice which she might be but it doesn’t matter because she is SO PRETTY. Know who isn’t pretty? Lisa. Actually, she sort of is, I think, if she grew her hair and had some makeup done, I could do it for her, she could be quite pretty. She says she’s slept with 60 women, and I reckon she could get more if I did her makeup. She’s prettier than Sophie, because she’s a skank. She is SO fat! SO FAT! I’ll bet she’s pregnant, probably got it from Kris’ fingers up her, I reckon. She’s such a WHORE! (I wish my boobs were big like hers though, even with her really big nips.) She starts a tickle-fight in the bedroom which looks SO MUCH FUN I wish I was there! Once, me and my friends had a tickle fight and it got so bad I wee’d myself a bit in my pants, but nobody noticed. I’ll bet if I did that on Big Brother the cameras would zoom in and focus on the wee patch or something, UGH PERVERTS! Some of the tickle-bitches throw Freddie and Sophie in the pool then they go inside and get Rodrigo from his bed and try to drag him outside to throw him in, but he gets SO angry, like a Pug with a temper, then storms off when Charlie tries to wrestle him, then Rodrigo starts to steal Charlie’s bed and Charlie gets angry, and he’s all “Get off my fucking bed!” and then Big Brother calls Rodrigo away. Charlie is SO FIT though so I don’t care, and when he’s angry he’s even sexier, you know? Rodrigo gets all upset in case the Queen sees his letter and doesn’t want to be his friend now but OMG I STILL WILL HONEST!

Sophie and Freddie and Siavash and Bea get in the shower and then Sophie keeps trying to pull Freddie’s pants down and then we can see the top of his willy for like A SECOND and I have to have a sit down and calm myself down for a second. Sophie wears a bra in the shower! IDIOT! She doesn’t even take it off because they are SO BIG they would hit her in the eyes or something. Once I tried to lick my boob for my boyfriend Dave but I couldn’t, so he said that he wanted me to get implants so that I could, but I couldn’t afford them, and my mum wouldn’t even sign the permission letter. BITCH.

Anyway, OMG HERA IS VOTED OUT! Or, not voted in! Nobody cared enough to save her HA HA HA BUT she is SO SO SO pretty, right? Wow.

Where I’m From, I Say C*nt Every Fourth Word.

Alice In Wonderland themed tasks this week.

– Hera is Alice, and has to eat her way through a big chocolate cake to find a key. She looks perpetually on the cusp of vomiting. “Why are you so big?” she asks the cake after over 2 hours of eating it. 2 hours later she falls to her knees and moans. After 5 hours Big Brother gives her a hint; that she can use her face to destroy the cake. She dives in, and eventually finds the key. When she leaves the room the diary room has a tiny chair – SHE HAS GROWN, SEE? – and she is forced to cry by Big Brother. It’s actually really quite funny. Then Big Brother tells her to fan herself until she gets back into the main room and she’ll grow to full size. She doesn’t bother to listen and waits for Big Brother to tell her to stop fanning herself.

– Siavash has to keep appointments in a rabbit hutch where he has to eat ten carrots at each appointment. He has a clock that he has to keep winding as well to judge the time, and it’s going to stop him sleeping for more than an hour at a time.

– Sophie is the Mad Hatter, and has to be able to identify 25 different types of tea.

– Rodrigo has to run up a tree and grin as the Cheshire Cat whenever a song gets played into the house with the word Smile in the title.

– Bea, Freddie, David and Lisa are playing cards.

– Marcus is the King of Hearts, and Charlie is the Queen of Hearts.

Anyway, noms are announced, and, despite Marcus and Bea getting the most noms, everybody is nominated because Marcus and Siavash broke the rules. Bea is aghast that she got nommed, and then Rodrigo and David are angry that they’re up. Then Freddie goes insane (and slightly superb) and tells Lisa that he knows her gameplan. He throws her and David into the pot together and Lisa then calls Freddie a wanker and a knob. “You’re one I wouldn’t mix with on the outside,” she tells him. “Oh, you’re making me cum!” Freddie shouts at her whining. It’s a huge argument, actually, and everybody – bar Charlie and Rodrigo, who sit and look sad and lost, like children in the midst of a divorce – throws their oar in. David calls Marcus a “pathetic excuse for a man,” and Marcus calls him a “fat C*nt, nicking everyone’s food!” “Don’t get personal!” David yells, which is wonderful. Then David mis-hears Marcus saying “Punked”, thinks he said “Punched” and so goes mad, and Big Brother calls Marcus off, sending him to another room. Big Brother then clears the matter up, and David apologises to Marcus. “Yeah, sorry for calling you a c*nt,” Marcus says. “No worries,’ David replies. Glad that’s all over, then.

I’m just thinking about the millions of people who’ve had sexual fantasies about the girls in this house

Freddie is  a bit worried about how to act with Bea, and asks Marcus for advice. Outside, however, she is bitching about him – subtly, mind – to Siavash. Siavash thinks that Freddie shouldn’t have asked her if she fancied him (true), but still, it’s a bit mean to tell Siavash about it. Freddie talks to her while she’s in the bath, and she seems spiky and uncomfortable.

Rodrigo is still going on about the Queen. Bea randomly tells him that the Queen’s husband is dead, which is why she’s the Queen. Eh? That’s the first I’ve heard of it. Rodrigo is given a chance to write to the Queen, with the aid of BB and their magical chalk board. (It isn’t magical. I was just saying.) Rodrigo is very excited, and reads the letter aloud in the diary room. ‘In my heart, I feel British,’ he says. BB assures him that the letter will be sent that afternoon. Hira is very happy for him, and cries. Hira is one of the worst BB contestants for a while – think Rachel Rice territory. Why is she even there?

Om nom noms, today! And I can smell who may be up… Bea noms Lisa and David. Oh, I do hope Lisa is up. Halfwit, Marcus, Bea and Siavash also get votes from Charlie, David and Sophie. Freddie noms Lisa (hoorah!) and David (double hoorah!) Siavash decides not to nominate. He ‘chooses’ himself twice instead. He thinks that in doing so, he’ll be put up for nom. But instead, BB tells him there will be consequences for other HMs instead, and he panics. BB tells him to leave the diary room, and won’t let him nominate.

Sophie agreed to do Marcus’ washing in exchange for a can. He prompts her to do it. Then he says he wants to go home this week, and Sophie says he’s influencing the voting. Well, maybe. Then she goes to do his washing and claims that there’s yellow stains and pubes on his top. Well, look, it’s not like there were yellow stains and pubes on his pants, is it? Marcus noms her for not doing his washing, anyway. He also noms David. Marcus, for some unknown reason, decided to remove a mirror from the bathroom wall. ‘I think you’re going to get into trouble,’ says Bea. Marcus gets sent to jail. Freddie goes to talk to him in jail. ‘I’m just thinking about the millions of people who have had sexual fantasies about the girls in this house,’ he says. Well, Freddie, there’d have to be at least a million people watching BB for that to ever happen.

So anyway, it turns out that because of Siavash and Marcus’s rule breaking, everyone in the house is up for eviction instead. OOOOH. I wonder who’ll go? Bea? Marcus? Lisa? (Please be Lisa.) I hate everything about Lisa, whereas I don’t fully hate everything about either Bea or Marcus. Talking of Bea, Charlie and Rodrigo hide behind the kitchen door while she’s in there, and when she comes out they leap and she screams and it’s supposed to be VERY FUNNY. This is because Charlie thinks his whole schtick  is being entertaining. Actually, he’s just a c u next Tuesday. And he’s kissing Rodrigo in bed! I have soiled myself with hatred. (Is that even possible? Well, it’s happened, anyway.)

Oh! The Solar Plexus Massage!

One of the joys of Big Brother – and they’re few and far between, these days, so we relish them where we can – is seeing people who lie dig graves then claim that they don’t lie. Bea and David are in the kitchen and David is surly with Bea. “Why don’t we talk any more?” Bea asks, and David tells her that he’s angry with her because she accused him of stealing bread and butter. WHICH SHE DID. “I never accused you of anything!” she shouts, but she did, and then gets upset and calls him a bully. “I never accused you of anything!” she repeats over and over, even though she did, and David starts to get upset. David is a lunk, and deals with this in some stupid manner, but Bea is a liar and is being increasingly manipulative. The argument gets dragged into the open in front of the rest of the house, and Bea shouts about what a bully David is, calls him dishonest, and makes out that this is a wider issue than it is. Freddie throws his oar in – after spending time in the bedroom rubbing his chest, acting like he’s high and getting some weird sexual dervish on – and defends Bea. (Freddie is usually very observant, and it’s disappointing that he mis-read Bea. Cock > Brain, eh?) Lisa can smell a fellow manipulator. “She’s going to play this as a martyr,” she says, and try to get David nommed. Bea, on the other hand, goes into the bedroom and cuddles up to new House God Marcus. “Oh Marcus, I hate it,” she says, and then together they bitch about Lisa and David. How the tide turns, eh? In the garden, David cries, and I don’t believe for a second that the tears aren’t real. Bad Bea!

The argument continues with Bea pushing this further and further, accusing David of lying about being upset, and saying that he was shouting, which he wasn’t. “Did he really shout?” asks Marcus, and Bea says that he did, when he didn’t. Rodrigo comes into the bedroom and Bea brings the argument up again for his sake. It’s almost tiresomely obvious what she’s trying to do. Marcus then goes and has a go at David about other stuff, and then Bea throws herself in again in front of everybody. She might have played this absolutely wrong, because Sophie and Rodrigo could nom her for causing aggro alongside Lisa and David. But, you know, when nobody else is around, David tells Bea that he doesn’t want to argue, and then Bea reports to others that she instigated their ‘reconciliation’ entirely. Oh, Bea Bea Bea.

Today’s task is some shit where people get dressed up like gnomes or caterpillars, and then the caterpillars get wrapped up in cling film, set to lie down on the ground, and then told to stand up. It looks like what it is: a bunch of twats wrapped in plastic, wriggling around. Afterwards, Lisa, David and Sophie sit around and bitch about Marcus. “I can’t stand to sit next to him!” says Sophie, which is in slight contrast to last week’s protest against his eviction, but there we go. Bea then goes to the diary room and bitches about David. “He’s a bland Yorkshire pudding, and Lisa’s the gravy. They’re still Yorkshire pudding and gravy, which isn’t satisfying. At all.”

Anyway, best part of the episode: Marcus’ sex story. Here it is, I’ll let you judge it. “Once I used a fortune cookie to get sex. This girl had one that said ‘Bluebells are your lucky flower’ and I had one that said ‘Saturday is your lucky night’ and I knew this field where there were bluebells, so I took her there, pointed out that it was saturday and that there were bluebells. Then I took her home and had sex with her.” BEST. (FAKE) SEX. STORY. EVER.

The housemates then have some nice dinner and Charlie winds Rodrigo up about fancying David. “You’d sit on his knee for a can of cider,” he says. Who would fancy David? I mean, really. Rodrigo then bleats on about meeting the Queen – which is HILARIOUS as he’s already met David, right? HA HA HA HA! – and then laughs like a fucking scarecrow as David guzzles cocks sweets. Bea sits in the garden and talks about how well known she is. “I’m well known at festivals, at gigs, on my street, in Ibiza. I’m actually quite a big deal!” she says. And then, Oh! CRINGE! Freddie declares his love for Bea as they lie in bed. “I thought we fancied each other,” he says. “I thought we were friends,” she replies, and then turns away from him and ignores him. “Do you fancy me?” he asks. “No,” she says. He grins that grin the whole time. “That’s a shame,” he says. She turns the situation against him. “I don’t operate on that sort of level, and I haven’t been asked that since I was fourteen.” She turns away and shuns him.

Ouch. Ouch all round, really, where Bea is involved, right?

What do monks do to get rid of sexual frustration? They sing

It comes to something when Marcus is giving relationship advice, but he is, to Bea, who feels that she doesn’t want to chat exclusively to Freddie. (I wonder if this is code for: I want to be with Siavash. Maybe.) Also, the argument yesterday, where Charlie was a prick and Rodrgio was for once accurate in his understanding of the situation (that Charlie wanted to be the ‘nice one’, even where it was actually ignorant and offensive to do so), is still in the air. One thing it has done is shown how much David likes Rod. Do I like David? No, not really. He could have been fun, but nah. His conversations (which are along the lines of ‘I love to ‘aggle’) are pretty boring.

Freddie is suspicious, because Siavash is smoking when not drunk. Is it because he wants to be with Bea, you can see Freddie wondering. So he goes outside to check. Bea hurriedly finishes her fag then says she’s going for a lie down. ‘A lot of people are doing that. Lying,’ says Lisa, and I honestly couldn’t tell you if she’s trying to be cutting or not.

As the HMs are clearly bored and tired, BB gives them a task – to compete to become the most entertaining housemate. Freddie seems to be concocting some kind of kitchen magic trick, and Lisa is singing awfully. ‘All I can think of to do on stage,’ Bea tells BB, ‘is etiquette lessons.’ She thinks Lisa would benefit. ‘She’s sort of started flirting with me,’ says Bea. Has she? Have I missed something?

The competition begins. Charlie is an awful clown – how art reflects reality – and does a piss-poor stage act. (He would be a great kids’ entertainer, though. Something to aspire to, eh?) He sets a fire extinguisher off and Freddie can’t breathe, and has to go outside. Oh dear. He goes to the diary room. ‘If he has breathing problems, he shouldn’t smoke,’ Bea tells Siavash. Freddie tells the diary roon he is singing to relieve his secual frustration, like a monk.

Dogface’s turn. She does an awful rap, not really that funny, but because she is laughing so much it’s inoffensive. Freddie sings (of course). It’s relatively shit, but he’s enjoying himself, eh? Now Hira. Oh god. What is she going to do? Oh Christ. She sings and dances in some kind of devil outfit. You thought Freddie was bad – this is dreadful. Entertaining? My piss is more fun. Everyone laughs, but I’m pretty certain it’s at her, in a mean way. It interests me that we are not allowed to see Rod, Marcus, David, Siavash or Lisa’s attempts. Anyway, a judgemental HM is called. ‘I think Marcus should go,’ says Siavash. But David goes instead. He votes for Hira to win, and says the least was Sophie. That is rather unfair, I think, but oh well. Who really cares? As a prize, Hira is given a sash. Good for her.

Say what you might about Marcus, but he sees the game for what it is. ‘Lisa’s beginnging to mobilise again,’ he says, and adds that he’s tired of Siavash’s calls for sympathy. Freddie also says that David has been thieving food and rizlas. ‘He’s a food bandit!’ Marcus declares. ‘And he never washes up.’

As Sophie was deemed ‘unentertaining’ by head of light entertainment David, she is given a mean rosette. Do you know what? I like Sophie. I really do. It saddens me that she has been so quiet of late. I think the tides are turning on David, though. Bea never liked him anyway, but Freddie and Marcus invite her to discuss her dislike of him with them. ‘His conversations end up being about Yorkshire puddings,’ she moans. Anyway, David walks in just as they were speaking, and it’s all  bit tense, as David heads straight for the cupboards looking for food. David goes for a fag with Lisa, and is angry. ‘That butter was communial!’ he shouts, because clearly butter is part of a holy sacriment.’I’ve noticed a change in David,’ says Charlie to Marcus, searching for some gossip to keep him alive. ‘He’s bossy,’ says Marcus. I do hope David and Lisa are up this week. That’d be nice, right?

But Siavash has decided he won’t nominate this week. I can’t quite fathom why – he says the public should choose – but by doing this he will put himself up, which is utterly pointless. Such is BB.

He Seems Like a Right Noddy

The cries for ‘Noirin Out!’ are almost drowning Davina’s voice – and she has a mic. Oh dear. So, yesterday’s highlights include: Noirin mopping, Siavash moping, and Isaac playing with some toilet roll. This all sounds about right. (is his name Isaac, or did I make that up? I neither know nor care.) Noirin tells Isaac that other people are ‘dramatising’ the situation and making things worse than they are for Siavash. Whatever, love. We all stopped listening to you weeks ago.  You do know, don’t you, that both Isaac and Noirin have been on reality shows before? I am so, so tired of BB doing this – getting semi-famous/known housemates in (think models, wannabe actors, people who may have released one single or had a famous boyfriend, etc). The great irony is that when Celeb BB starts, I rarely know who any of the contestants are – and they are supposed to be famous – therefore both strains of BB amount the the same thing (apart from he Ulrika moment – she must be one of the bigger household names who ever dared darken Celeb BB with her ghastly shadow).

When the cameras come back to Davina, her link for Marcus to be evicted is met with barely a whimper, whilst Noirin’s name is still booed incessantly. Interesting. Back in the house, Noirin wants to talk to Siavash. David runs out of the kitchen so he doesn’t have to bear witness to it. I have some level of empathy for the other HMs this week. The atmosphere there must be awful. ‘I think you’re a good guy.’ ‘I think you’re gorgeous, but this is three times now, Noirin.’ Poor Siavash. Not least because, as we keep stating, he has now lost his chances of winning, which previously I’d though were quite high. Anyway, she witters on about how actually, this is all Isaac’s fault, as she is still ‘head over heels with him.’ He tells her she should leave. ‘You’re not doing yourself any favours.’ She starts being idiotic, despite the fact he is actually telling her something accurate, that she should listen to. She is going to be absolutely hated tonight, when she gets out. (Let’s be honest, it’s not even going to be a close call. She’s a goner.) He tells her he feels he was part of her ‘storyline’. Freddie then walks in, and, thankfully, the conversation is over.

Marcus and Siavash are now each other’s bitter buddy. It’s an odd friendship, but I like it. Charlie, however, is an utter fucking idiot, and I hate him. I think he just said ‘This hasn’t made Noirin look that bad though,’ which is the most aggravatingly stupid thing I’ve heard in a long while. Also, he can’t add up when he’s doing the shopping list, and BB has to help him. Noirin is moaning to Noirin about how she doesn’t want to hurt Siavash’s feelings and she should go home. ‘Did I screw him over?’ ‘No,’ says Isaac. ‘So why do I feel guilty?’ ‘Because he’s making you feel guilty,’ he says. Hateful pair.

David is trying to be friendly to Isaac, going on about how much he loves America, and Isaac takes the piss, thinking that David hasn’t noticed. I think he (probably) has, but he’s too excited to care. He’s an idiot too, but in many ways he’s an old-fashioned BB contestant: he wants to be there, and he wants to have fun. Sophie’s quiet today, though, isn’t she? I suppose she only has Rod and Charlie left as her friends. I don’t think she trusts Noirin anymore. Also, what the hell is Hira actually doing in there?

So we all know that Isaac is a tit, but the worst thing is that he actually thinks Noirin might stay tonight. What rot. Bea, on the other hand, doesn’t want to be friends with Noirin, because she borrowed her top and made it smell, and doesn’t like Isaac because it’s like ‘he’s just walked out of Amercian Pie. He is a frat boy… A big lump of Amercianised arrogance.’ Oh, and she thinks Noirin is despicable. Good. I do quite like Bea’s ‘Queen Bee’ put-downs.

Now some of the HMs are going to the diary room in towels to plea for Marcus to stay. They pretend to Noirin it’s just a trick, rather than tell her. ‘Isn’t it too mean?’ asks Hira, stupidly. Even Sophie wants Marcus to stay now. This is how much Noirin is hated. So Freddie, Sophie, Bea and Siavash go and plea. It’s quite sweet, really. Charlie, of course, sits on the fence. I hope he rots on that fence. ‘Leave it up to the public,’ says Hira, having no conception that Noirin must be a horror to live with. Charlie, of course, goes straight to Noirin and tells her about the plea. ‘Didn’t you know?’ he asks, but we’re all aware that he knew she didn’t. Fucking Charlie. See what I mean? Later, Noirin says, on the back of what Charlie has told her, ‘If I stay this week I’m running fucking amok.’ Oh, just do one.

Can we just stop, for a minute? Lisa has just explained how if it wasn’t for her eyebrows, she would be a supermodel. Can we just let it sink in? Thanks. In all seriousness, I am worried that the focus on Noirin has dampened the hatred that should be going to Lisa and Charlie. Let’s keep it alive here on Big Bother.

Isaac then tells Lisa and Charlie, is retarded coded terms, that everyone in the house is an arsehole. Interestingly, he has told the right people that, but a) hasn’t included himself, and b) meant everyone else.

So, Noirin is evicted, and pretty much all the crowd boos. She tells Davina that she expected to be booed, and also that Isaac will leave. I do hope so. Judi James tells her that she has made Marcus a ‘house God.’

The Show Has Turned Into Isaac and Noirin, Newlyweds.

HELLO!

Weeks – months, it feels like, or years, maybe, aeons, I don’t know – I did a report on each of the housemates. I’m going to revisit it and see how far they’ve come today, as there is NOTHING worth writing about in this episode apart from the Isaac shit, and we’ll get to that later.

Sophie: Back then Big Brother called her Dogface. Remember that? That was an idea that semi-stuck, eh, and wasn’t nearly as amusing as it should have been. She offered Marcus and Siavash a touch of her tits, and that was it, apparently. There’s not much else to say now: she hasn’t changed, apart from now having a pretty good shot at winning this thing.

Halfwit: Well, I described him as “an absolute gorming prick.” He isn’t, clearly, and I was judging him very harshly. He’s harmless, clearly, but utterly swayed by the people around him. Back then he claimed to be a “sexual maverick,” which might actually be true, given the seduction techniques that we’ve seen with him and Bea – and, by techniques, I mean those things he does that are wholly sleazy and inappropriate and have driven her to be disgusted by him even though she knows that he’s a meal ticket. I called him “my most hated housemate in a long while,” which is fascinating, because now I quite like him.

Siavash: Jesus, I got it wrong, eh? I didn’t much like Siavash either, as I thought he was trying too hard to be cool. I then went through a phase of liking him, but now I’m not so keen. This Noirin thing has destroyed him, made him weak and sad and pathetic. Back then he whimpered whilst sitting on the loo, and now he does exactly the same. The eight weeks in between where he was actually really cool? Nearly forgotten, sadly.

Rodrigo: Back then, all I could write about him was something about his goal in life being to meet the Queen. Now, I couldn’t write any more if I tried. OH ALRIGHT YES I COULD. He’s so fucking dull! I mean, really! I’m worried that he’ll win, I really am, but I can’t even say that he’s a really nice guy because he’s actually a whining, moaning little 70 year old woman thrown into the body of a teenaged Brazilian. (If a film ever gets made of that I want a cut of the profits.)

Marcus: Again, another one I got semi-wrong. “He’s still fun, but boy is he weird.” Well, he is weird, yeah, but fun? I couldn’t argue that any more. Had I written that he was mental, yeah, maybe that would have worked. He’s mental and weird and unpleasant. Back then, I thought I might have liked to be chums with him or something, but clearly that wouldn’t work as he would terrify me when we were drunk. He’d sit in the corner and stare and grin at the women and any men having interactions with them, and then he’d throw a glass or something and we’d all have to hold him back to stop him stabbing a bouncer with a bottle end, or maybe even just his fingers.

Charlie: “Nice, gay, northern… will almost definitely win.” TRUE AND TRUE, people, apart from that little blip where he was Lisa’s bezzie buddy and Kris fuckalong. He seems like a nice enough chap, he likes men, he’s from the north and he’s got a good chance of taking the prize. (And, by prize, I mean, of course, Freddie’s anus.)

Lisa: Oh shit did I get this wrong. “She’s actually quite a nice person,” I wrote. WOW. I mean, she took a while to show her true colours, but she is not a nice person. She’s a witch, but the sort of witch that you’d see in a ‘modern’ production of Macbeth. You know the sort; it’s set on a council estate in post-apocalyptic Swaziland or something, and all the men wear neon and the witches have shaven heads and reappropriated-swastika tattoos. She’s pure evil, but has learnt how to stay quiet again, which gives her the impression of niceness again. She’s a trickster, that one.

Noirin: Back then, I forgot that Noirin existed. Now, I couldn’t if I tried. She’s a cunt, really, an awful person, using men for her own whims, and I shan’t write about her any more.

Bea: Seems nice, is also a witch. We’ve got our three witches: now to built that Swaziland set.

David: Gormless.

Isaac: Yeah, Isaac. See, today’s ‘gift’ to the housemate is Isaac, Noirin’s ex-boyfriend. He turns up in a bike helmet doing a dreadful Scottish accent and delivering fish and chips, and then introduces himself. He seems – for a minute – likeable etc, and then corners Noirin in the bedroom and makes her apologise for something – presumably kissing somebody else when she was single, which is awful, obviously – and then makes her call him daddy. Seriously. It makes Siavash cry and mope and whine, and makes Bea pounce on him, and makes Freddie laugh nervously. He talks to Bea after Bea judges Noirin for moving on so quickly and a) gets Noirin to stay silent and b) makes Bea apologise for the errors of her ways. He weilds some sort of unholy control – Bea’s really quite powerful in the house, but this guy has come in waving his penis alpha-male status and just taken the place over. He’s awful and hateful, but I suspect won’t be here for long – I suspect that he’ll walk when Noirin is kicked out on friday, which she will be. So.

Watch the Bubbles

I would never share a bath with Sophie, even if Loaded paid me to and took pictures. Whilst sharing a bath with Rod, she farts deeply. Ew. Wow! Bea is in one stinker of a mood today. ‘You can’t even fart in this house without someone going, oh, what’s that about,’ she presciently states. Moments later, Lisa comes in and judges her egg cooking skills. Lisa seems somehow angry that Bea is making herself a fried egg. ‘You’re looking after yourself,’ she says to Bea, pointedly, then steals the last tea bag. ‘You’ve got to. No one else will,’ Bea replies. She’s in no mood for it, it seems. ‘Bea seems stressed,’ notes Siavash, later. ‘It’s sexual frustration,’ says Freddie. REALLY? SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED? Or is it just that she has to live in a house full of shit stirrers? (By the way, I’m not saying Bea isn’t a shit stirrer herself – in fact, she’s one of the worst – but still, it must be annoying to have to live with Lisa, at best.)

Now, talking of shit stirring, I have had an idea. It seems to me that Bea mostly stirs the shit between Marcus/Noirin/Siavash… And when Freddie was being all ‘sexy’ with her yesterday, she immediately complained to Siavash. Does she fancy him, do you think? Let’s ponder on that.

Noirin now wants to be friends with Marcus again, so they go and have cuddles in their little hidey hole by the pool. NOT THAT HIDEY HOLE. Disgusting. Noirin often says she will be hated on the outside world, and she seems anxious about that – so why doesn’t she stop herself? Going back to Marcus and claiming she and Siavash are ‘just friends’ is awful.

Anyway, as the HMs are really bored, they are iven a task – to perform Something Kinda Ooh (one of the best Girls Aloud – no, wait – one of the best songs ever) and Could it Be Magic by Take That as boy and girl groups. Again, BB has not bothered to outdo itself with the tasks – we like watching them do difficult dance routines, right?

By the way, Bea has just told Siavash she ‘wants to be his girlfriend’. We all know, now, that it isn’t a joke. ‘Look at me. I’m perfect for you.’ Siavash then tells Noirin that Marcus, Freddie and Bea are not ‘positive’ about their relationship. Oh dear. Siavash is ruined for me.

As they are practising their dance moves, om nom nominations are announced. Of course, we know that Marcus and Noirin are up. But their reaction? Well, oddly, it’s Siavash who gets stressed, and goes and – cries? Weeps? Grunts? – in the toilet. Ah! He thinks it’s his fault, that’s why.

Bea moans about Freddie to Siavash again. ‘He’s a bit of a drama queen,’ she tells him. Blah blah blah. At least he doesn’t stir. It’s amazing how quickly I’ve gone off her. Then she goes on about how she wants to go to bed, but can’t, because Freddie will talk to her, so she hugs Marcus, kisses Noirin (not like that), and goes out for a fag with Siavash. Never mind: Noirin claims to be ‘happy’ this evening, and is dressed as a giant bee in a yellow hoodie and hotpants, and black tights. Anyway, at the end of it all, Bea goes and lies with Freddie and chat sweetly into his ear. POISON!

At least Siavash gets his chance to talk to Marcus. Marcus doesn’t kick off or anything, but nothing really gets said. ‘You could punch me,’ suggests Siavash.

Be Good, Our Dad Won’t Like It.

I’m sick. I’m here at BB Towers, sitting on my sofa having just eaten a bowl of frosties and I’m shivering. I feel very weak, I really do, and yet, as I sit here and watch Big Brother I realise that I’m glad I’m not as weak as any of these idiots. I could write about the irony that takes places as Bea criticises Noirin for hugging Siavash when she doesn’t intend any relationship developments, or how David is a big lunk that makes no sense – NO SENSE – in his reasons for his noms. But it’s the real idiots I want to write about today.

I mean, Marcus, for example. You can see his affections blurring across from Noirin to Bea, and Bea steals them. She’s actually a little stirrer, eh? Mixing the pot of things. I think – I think – that she’s angling to get Noirin nominated/evicted, which is interesting. Maybe she sees a gap in the Alpha Female market now that Lisa’s drizzled into the background, and Noirin is her only competition? Anyway, Marcus has let himself be caught up in this silly little game, and let himself be played. He’s going to watch this back afterwards and – as well as hating himself when he sees how he’s been – hate the ways that people have used him to further their own standing in the house. He’s a cock of epic proportions, yes, but he’s also become a scapegoat, which is fascinating.

Or what about Siavash? Upon hearing that Noirin doesn’t want any relationship with him, it takes him three and half minutes to back down from his plan to not speak to her, and end up under the covers having a kiss and cuddle. She’s playing him, and he’s letting himself be played. It’s sad.(Oh, also, Marcus and Noirin are nommed this week. I predict… Actually, I have no idea. One of them will leave. Marcus might escape when he hears that he’s nommed, actually. That would be a very Marcus thing to do.)

Or Freddie, oh, Freddie. I mean, don’t get me wrong, this could help him win, but he’s clearly in love with Bea, and she clearly wants nothing to do with him, romantically. You can actually see her getting annoyed with him as well, turning slightly. I’m sure that she’s using him. Actually, as I write this, I’m realising how little I like or trust her now. Hmmm. Freddie and Bea lie in bed and discuss Freddie’s “funny way of saying things” when he talks about how he likes “training lovers.” “I’d love to trade notes with you sometimes,” he says, and then lies back and sighs, wistfully. Seriously, more than anyone else I have ever heard in real life, he is FULL of wist. He’s nuts over her, and I think he’s just worked out that she really doesn’t like him in that way, and can see her slipping away. In the bedroom, then, Bea whines about Freddie, talks about how “sleazy” he is. “Where I’m spiritual, Freddie’s just really fucking randy,” she says. In the diary room he discusses how he would put Bea over his shoulder and drag her into the bedroom or something. It’s nearly creepy. Please, Freddie; don’t go too creepy. Please.

David. I will talk about him. When he’s out, and wears Vivienne Westwood clothes, he feels happy. It’s the closest he gets to religion. He would cry if he met her. He paid for her autograph on the internet. Words cannot fucking express.

Oh, I just don’t care. I’m tired and I’m ill and I’m well past this whiny, whingy shit. It’s like watch a load of 16 or 17 year old children having hormonal outbursts, only without any genuine sexual tension and just a load of wankers wandering around being fuckholes. Here at BB Towers we discussed what they could do to save this series, and we don’t think there’s anything. Honestly, it might be for the best if it goes away next year, and when its people like us saying that, big fans of the show, you know there’s probably a real issue. I’m ill, and I can’t be bothered watching Freddie making a tit of himself any more today. Ugh.

I’m a 100% Man

The morning starts with Sophie crying about Tom’s (fairly truthful) words yesterday. Oh dear. Sophie is a sweet nothingness, and watching her cry is like watching a child cry: a bit sad, and also a bit tiresome.

Anyway, BB lifts the mood with a series of silly challenges to win tokens in the diary room, televised to the HMs outside. First, Lisa must look at a series of pictures of amphibians and guess which are toads and which are frogs. Then Marcus has a challenge about percentages, using statements from the HMs. Marcus passes his challenge, but, oddly, he flips the chart over and calls BB a ‘wanker’ and a ‘prick’, and he is made to forfeit the tokens. There’s always one, eh? Hira looks aghast, and Freddie pensive. ‘This is the time where we should be there for Marcus,’ Siavash says to Noirin and Freddie, though I don’t quite know what he means. Then they all sit together, and Rodrigo laughs at him and Bea reprimands him. ‘You played into their hands. The rest of the group has to suffer.’ Freddie sits with his head in his hands. ‘It’s not good for people to be around negativity.’ ‘It’s not negativity – it’s taking a stand,’ Marcus replies. He gets called to the diary room. He goes on about natterjack toads, irrelevantly, and defensively. ‘You’ve been shitty to me this week,’ Marcus tells BB. ‘I’m on your side to do the things you want me to do.’ He seems to argue that the reason he is so bad-tempered is to make good TV. What? No, honestly. That is what he’s arguing. ‘It was a positive gesture… A TV gesture.’

Noirin tells Sophie that she can’t show any affection towards Siavash because of Marcus. What a lie. It’s because of Tom. But Siavash seems happy enough – he is taunting a spider with Rodrigo. Now this is doing things for TV. In the bathroom, Freddie seems distraught at Bea for what she said to Marcus. He says she has made Marcus feel even more insecure. Perhaps. Does it matter? Not really. Marcus is going to be stroppy for the next few days whatever is said to him, I think. Bea leaves for a cigarette. ‘If I were the kind of person who’d leave this show, I’d be out of the fucking door,’ Freddie says to himself as he washes his armpits.

Bea goes to apologise to Marcus anyway. She tells him she knows he’s struggling with ‘the Noirin thing’. ‘It happens in life,’ says Marcus, claiming that’s not the only reason he’s upset. ‘I’m going to go and have a lie down and do some meditating,’ says Bea, but just as she does Charlie and Rod bomb into the pool and soak both her and Marcus. Haha! However, it says a lot about them that they saw Marcus and Bea talking and decided to go bombing anyway. Then they go and cuddle in the lounge, and Bea says the house is full of sexual tension. Good idea to get under a duvet with Marcus, then.

Freddie puts on some kind of Boy George wig hat, and his happy cat face, and goes to have a cigarette  with Bea, seemingly much happier than when he was in the bath. Freddie says he feels that Marcus is a good person, and Bea agrees. ‘I got under the duvet with him, and he was a different person.’ Ew. Then Freddie gets all pervy on her and it’s horrid. They are having a party, with animal masks, balloons and music, but it seem lukewarm at best. The music is Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran, by the way, and nobody knows what it is. ARE THEY ALL THAT YOUNG?! Then Siavash sucks up some helium… Oh no, it’s Noirin’s mouth, having a big wet kiss as Hira looks embarrassed.

As Noirin pointed out yesterday, it’s funny how Marcus is being more open with Lisa now he’s isolated. Lisa admits that she doesn’t like the way people (ie Noirin and Siavash) have become so unfriendly to him. In the garden, Bea tells Siavash that she doesn’t think Noirin is that into him. But he says he really likes her. Oh dear. For the record, I think Bea is right. ‘I just really thought she was into Tom’ she says. ‘A coupe of nights ago, I was advised Noirin really strongly not to get involved with Tom.’ ‘I find that really upsetting,’ says Siavash. Poor, poor Siavash. Simply a pawn in it all. Later, Bea tells him that perhaps Noirin made a ‘quick decision’ to keep the ‘attention on her.’ David, however, is championing Marcus. ‘If that happened to me, it’d break my heart,’ he says.

Of course, as soon as Siavash is alone with Noirin, he asks her how likely it is that things will work out when they leave. ‘I’m here to have fun,’ says Noirin, which is absolutely the wrong answer. ‘Have we made a mistake? I definitely do not want to just have fun.’ This is breaking MY heart, and I’m an ice maiden. Noirin pretends she didn’t fancy Tom, in the end, but it’s all too late. Siavash has enough of an inkling of the worst. ‘We just had our wires crossed,’ she says. How reassuring for Siavash. She really should know when to stop – she then tells him they are ‘just friends. Friends with benefits’. Then Noirin says that Siavash needs to hide himself as he has a hard-on. Just friends then. Yeah.