Strength Comes In Many Forms.

OOOOH! BURN! Marcus walks around just after waking up and ignored Noirin, which is predictable, after last night’s confessions of Siavashtastic romancing. He then ignored Siavash, seemingly walking into the bathroom where Siavash is washing his face just to walk out again. BURN! Then, in the bedroom, Bea tells Tom that Noirin has got a thing with Siavash, and Tom gets a bit upset because he thought she fancied him (which she does, because she’s a bit of a slut). BURN! THEN (gasp, pant), Bea tells Freddie that Tom advised her to not hug and cuddle with Freddie in bed! BURN! (I suspect, unless David sleeps with somebody and passes something on, those will be the last burns I’ll mention in this post.)

Otherwise – or, maybe, as well – everything in the house is unbearably childish. Bea and Tom have an argument because Bea told Freddie what Tom said. Lisa – who has kept her head down since getting nommed, eh? – talks about how much she would fancy Enrique Iglesias if she was straight. Noirin begs Marcus for friendship, and he tells her that she’s a bad friend. (I don’t like Noirin at all, but I don’t see how her kissing another man when there is NOTHING between her and Marcus makes her a bad friend.) Freddie and Lisa play some rubbish music by banging some pots and pans and, when they are finished, everybody claps. Tom goes to the diary room and suggests that he might be leaving the house because he can’t connect with anybody in the house (read: Noirin did Siavash and not Tom).

Siavash approaches Marcus in the bedroom and asks if they can talk. “Not really,” Marcus says. “Are we cool?” asks Siavash, and Marcus repeats it. “Not really. If you say you have a girlfriend and you do something like this, everyone in the house suffers.” They don’t, clearly; Marcus is just smarting. But, well, whatever. He’s being a bit of a child, and he’ll see that when he leaves and watches this – if he doesn’t go postal and kill everyone else first.

Loads of nothing in this show – Charlie spends minutes and minutes gawping at the romance that has developed – and then Noirin and Siavash openly discuss kissing in front of Sophie. (This might not be popular in BB Towers, but I am starting to really like Sophie. She’s sweet and naive and really quite stupid, but utterly harmless and seems like a nice person. Her aspirations might be to have big boobs, and that might be evil, but, you know, I can’t hate her, I really can’t. I reckon she’ll make it to the end now.) And then Tom goes to the diary room and asks to leave the Big Brother house. Another one bites the dust! “I don’t wish to be here any more. I feel like a puppet on a string! Most people in here are fucking deluded if they think they’re getting fame out of this.” He tells Marcus and Marcus tells him not to leave, which is incredible, as he’s being a turncoat. Tom gathers his stuff up as the housemates follow him around, then drops the bombs. “I thought you were stronger than that!” says Noirin. “We’ve stuck it out.” They’re all bored, they’re all sad, they’re all here for money and fame, and it’s awful. Big Brother needs to sort this the fuck out next year, or the show will just keep getting worse. (Again, I’d just like to say TALK TO US BECAUSE WE CAN FIX IT.) Marcus then tells Noirin off for saying that to Tom, and they both tell each other to go fuck themselves. It’s great and very tense.

Then, Tom drops the bombs, based on stuff he knows from watching the show before. “I’m backing Rodrigo to win,” he says. “You could do a fuck of a lot better than Kris,” he tells Sophie, “and if he is there when you get out, it’s for the wrong reasons. I don’t think he’s a great guy.” She looks devastated. And then, just like that, Tom goes.

I Feel Like Jesus Christ

As soon as Marcus is out of jail, he leaps into bed with Noirin. ‘I have a headache. I’m hungover. I don’t feel well,’ she says in a desperate bid to avoid talking to him. ‘Don’t lie next to me or I’ll get into trouble.’ Then Siavash comes in and shaves his eyebrow off. Then he does Tom’s. At least Marcus gets out of bed, then. Perhaps that was the plan… ‘I’d rather do something like…set fire to ourselves,’ says Marcus when offered the clippers. OK then. Siavash later admits to Noirin that he just can’t talk to Marcus today. ‘We’re going to have to say something,’ she warns.

Perhaps to ward off sexual frustration, we are treated to watching Tom and Siavash doing press-ups. Marcus is in the diary room, still going on about Tom. Oh dear. Get with the programme, Marcus! ‘All the lads fancy Noirin,’ he says. Well, we know that. Is there anyone alive who cannot resist her charms? I believe I could. Noirin is now blaming eating an oyster on her date with Marcus for making her ‘sexual’. Then she implies she’s had sex in the house. Then Bea asks her about Siavash. ‘I think you’d make quite  a good couple,’ says Bea, and Noirin acts like a twat and fluffs a reply. ‘I like to kiss a lot,’ she says, helpfully. ‘I don’t think it’s a big deal. Do you?’ she sounds like she’s having a breakdown. Freddie and Bea laugh at her like contented parents. This is all going wrong. Sophie then tells Tom that she thinks Noirin is attracted to him, and he should go for it. You see? This is it all going wrong.

‘Are you in a lot of trouble?’ Noirin asks Siavash. ‘I’m in trouble, OK, but not right now.’ Their coded conversations are weird. Never mind! Charlie is throwing pans of water over Rodrigo in the bath! Rod is only wearing little pants! It’s comic relief, people. ‘Why did you want to have a private chat with Noirin? It must have something to do with me,’ says Tom to Siavash. Jesus Christ. Anyway, Tom is sent to jail for talking about om nom noms. The other HMs speculate that Tom may leave. ‘Those men perceive her sexuality as a power thing,’ Bea says sensibly about Noirin in the diary room. But she doesn’t think it’s Noirin’s fault. Well, look here are the bare facts: every man who gets close to her becomes a bit obsessive, and, whether it’s her fault or not, it’s not good telly. It’s tiresome.

What is sort of worse, however, is that Sophie has admitted to Noirin that she and Kris had sex in the house. So Noirin tells her about Siavash – to make her feel better, I suppose. BUT THEN SHE ALSO ADMITS THAT SHE LIKES TOM. FFS. ‘I’d fuck Tom every day,’ she says. How lovely. Outside, in jail, Tom tells Marcus that his crush on Noirin is ‘boring’ and ‘creepy’. ‘They’re the words of someone with an agenda,’ says Marcus. Haha!

Noirin cries in the diary room. ‘I know I’m going to be hated. I feel like Jesus Christ. I’m sacrificing everything for everyone, so they can learn from me.’ Oh dear. She then tells Bea of her dilemma, as she and Sophie drink tea in the kitchen. (Bea looks really tired, today, and also a bit disinterested.) All the girls are wearing purple jumpers, and it’s really distracting. Is it a secret signal? Am I dreaming all of this? Anyway, Bea tells her it’ll all come out in the open, so Noirin may as well tell everyone. ‘If anything, Marcus will walk off.’ So she goes to talk to Siavash. She tells him that they should pretend nothing’s going on. ‘But the damage is already done. I’m sick and tired of what Marcus thinks.’ Bad plan, Noirin! You have no excuses now! She says she’ll tell Marcus. Marcus is, unsurprisingly, not pleased. However, he doesn’t really kick off or anything. He just seems sad.

Well, I can’t believe it’s taken me a whole post, and them a whole day, to go over something that could have been dealt with in half an hour. This is a school yard drama. I’m sick of dramaz.

I’m so glad you didn’t get me a fat one

Eww. Did Rod just kiss Charlie? I don’t need my morning starting with this. Everyone else who thinks they’d make a good couple is wrong. Can you actually imagine the reality of that? BLAZING ROWS, PEOPLE! Sophie is advising Marcus (very kindly, actually), about Noirin. ‘I don’t know why I bother,’ he says. No, I don’t, either. Anyway, at breakfast, Rod and Charlie deny kissing, and say it was a joke, as the were pretending. In all seriousness, it’s hard to say if they really did. But I think they did.

Bea has a date. It’s some guy, who applied online. He’s quite nice, actually, but this is weird. BB NEVER normally lets them have contact with outsiders. This is another shift in what BB is doing this year. (It’s like when Karly did her assault challenge, and the men spoke to her, and when they piped music into Kris’ laser challenge. They have made it more like a gameshow, and made them less protected from the outside world. It’s a complete change to how BB used to work – and perhaps it’s for the better.) In the diary room, Bea confesses, ‘I’m so glad you didn’t get me a fat one.’

It now turns out that the power to pass this task is all on Freddie, as Zeus. He must pick someone to arm wrestle against Marcus, and win. Presumably he’ll picl Tom, then. He does. Tom must take a heavy weight endurance challenge. He picks Marcus to compete against him. He pits Siavash against Kenny in an object-valuing task. At least two of his picked HMs must pass. In the arm wrestling, Marcus wins. ‘You let me win!’ says Marcus. It is not legal, so they have to do it again. Marcus wins again. D’oh! Freddie looks appalled. The other HMs try to work out why. They decide Freddie has been given a secret task. Double d’oh! They spend literally hours going on about it, like complete dicks. Everybody knows that should you suspect someone of having a secret task, you should never mention it in case it incurs a fail.

Kenny and Siavash have to value things like a Supermarket Sweep round. First, a pint of milk – they are woefully too high. Then a Ferrari Spider – they are both nearer, here. Then bread, then a terraced house in the UK. (The house is a ridiculous challenge. Where is it? How many bedrooms does it have? Does it need work? I mean, there are so many possible mitigating factors.) The average price is apparently around £177,000. Interesting. Siavash, Freddie’s chosen HM, fails by one point. Freddie is distraught. So he reveals his secret task. So anyway, it’s fails all round, and they have a basic shopping budget for this week.

Apparently, Marcus has used unacceptable language in talking about Tom. Oh dear. And Kenny is still going on about looking for Karly’s contraceptive pills yesterday. He is oddly very upset about it. He fails to understand, in typical idiot fashion, that whether you want to go shagging or not, as a female on the pill, you have to take it everyday regardless of what you have planned. You can’t just not take it when you feel like it. (This exact same thing has happened to me – can you tell? – and I was extremely unimpressed with the man in question’s poor understanding of hormone treatments. I almost made him read the instructions, but in all honesty I don’t think he could read.)

So Kenneth escapes at 5am by running off the BB wall and roof, accompanied by Marcus. The cameras can’t even follow them. BB shouts, but they laugh and stay there. Some Northern guy on the other side helps Kenneth down. ‘I’m staying – don’t worry about me,’ says Marcus. And he does.

He’s An Absolute Crawly Bumlick.

Poor Freddie. Poor, poor Freddie. Bea, playing the part of Aphrodite, will be going on a date with somebody selected via the Big Brother website based on a video that she’s recorded in the diary room. “I want a tall man, over six foot, with long hair, very physically affectionate – you know what I mean,” she says, describing her perfect (not Freddie) man. “I’m really into the Jesus look.”

But, this isn’t the Freddie and Bea show: it’s the Kenneth Is A Cock show, remember? “I know, as soon as I met her, I could have that,” he tells Sophie, who clearly hates him. He then tells a story about the many many many girls that have waited on him hand and foot, and then he explains that he’ll be fine if Karly leaves him. If? IF? He’d be fucking lucky. Look at the romance blossoming between Charlie and Rodrigo? They act like they hate each other – “I will never talking to him again!” emotes Rod when Charlie shushes him, and calls him the C word – but really they are FULL ON. Seriously.

Lisa is amassing her generals, in the forms of David and Kenneth. She agrees with them when they bitch – telling Kenneth that she thinks Bea is a liar, telling David that Noirin isn’t worth bothering with – and smoothes the moustache given to her for the Kebab shop task. It really suits her as well, don’t you think? The Kebab challenge – Sophie on the phone taking complicated orders for food – goes as you would expect, and then the Marching Guards task goes the same way, Siavash not really getting the routine right. Charlie and Rodrigo’s Stavros Flatley performance is next. I mean, really. The less said about that the better, right? I’ll just say that Charlie is better than Rodrigo, because he camps it up, but that’s me being really kind.

Next up? A conversation between Sophie and Lisa about Marcus’ balls. I give up, I really do.

BUT I DON’T ACTUALLY AH HA! Bea explains to Noirin and Charlie that she IS attracted to Freddie, even though he isn’t her physical type at all! Oh please! Please! That’s one romance I could really get behind! Speaking of romance, Kenneth is asked by Big Brother to fetch some contraceptive pills that Karly left in the house. He goes into the diary room and cries because he thinks that Karly’s request means she’s slutting around. Cries! “I could have any girl in the world!” he whimpers to get, what? Sympathy? Wow. “I guess I’m still human, as much I try to kid myself.”

But that isn’t the last chunk of romance in the house. In the bedroom, in the darkness, Noirin brushes Siavash’s hair. Marcus comes in and has a go, and they both complain. Siavash says that Marcus’ attention is unfair, which it is, as he’s intense and protective for NO REASON AT ALL. Is something going on between them now? WAIT A MINUTE! The whole bedroom is a hive of sexiness! Bea and Freddie have a big under-the-covers cuddle!

Outside the bedroom, Siavash and Noirin have a little conversation that’s weird and subtle and I feel like I’m missing the subtext. “I feel guilty,” he says, and I want to know what he feels guilty about. He says that he wants to have a “serious chat” with Noirin, and she suggests that they have it when they leave the house. OH NOES, SIAVASH LOVES NOIRIN! His girlfriend will NOT be thrilled.

Let’s Not Talk About It

What happens when you send new people into BB who have previously been watching the show is that the new HMs use their knowledge of the public feelings on each person, and it defeats the point of BB in general. ‘Noirin will be up, and she will go,’ says Tom, which, of course, is true. But he is worried (rightly), about getting Freddie up. So he and Kenneth work on Bea. Kenneth is unimpressed with Bea’s attitude, because she doesn’t want to be involved in their secret task. ‘I’m just trying to get on with everybody.’ You’ve got to feel a bit sorry for her, right? Eventually, Kenneth tells her, delightfully, to ‘shut the fuck up’, for which I do believe he should be called to the diary room, as he is being a real cock about it. Then Marcus mishears him, and think that Bea is trying to intimidate Kenneth (as if). Trouble ahead, BB mates!

Anyway, it’s nomination today, and new housemates cannot be nominated, although chances are they’ll be up anyway. Bea is moaning to Freddie about Kenny, and Charlie HAS to come over and stir the pot, and tells her that Kenny has been saying that she is intimidating him. But then Kenny tells her that he isn’t intimidated, but kicks off instead. Then he accuses her of ‘starting on him’. I had such high hopes for Kenny being an interesting housemate, but he’s just horrid. I don’t want to watch him.Later, he says ‘If I were outside, this would have been sorted,’ which I do, for once, think is intimidating, but still he is not called to the diary room.

So, lighter things. Siavash is having his (very hairy) bum waxed by Noirin. This is fun. Sadly, it doesn’t last, as we go back to more Kenny shite. All the old HMs agree that Kenny is intimidating, and advise Bea to tell the diary room. ‘He goes round telling everyone about all these dangerous people he knows,’ says Bea. ‘We will review the footage,’ says BB. Jesus Christ. Why is it that BB will jump on anything vaguely intimidating said, but when someone is obviously threatening they take ages to do anything? Kenny does apologise to Bea, but only after she has been into the diary room. ‘This time, I feel really bad,’ he says. Genuine? I don’t know. I’ doubtful, though. Still, she accepts the apology.

Anyway, Siavash has a really good idea. ‘Let’s all put ourselves up,’ he says, as he doesn’t want to nominate. ‘Just play by the rules,’ says Charlie, desperate not to be up. Marcus is annoyed that new HMs can’t be nominated. Anyway, all the old HMs start talking about noms, so that they all get into trouble. Rod doesn’t want to do it. Then Lisa refuses. Typical. So, instead, stupid nomination reasons are given in the diary room instead. For example, Charlie nominates Freddie, but gives stupid reasons – ‘his eyes are too blue; he stirs his tea stupidly’, and such. Some refuse to give a second nomination, though notably Lisa and Rod do their nominations properly (I assume from the voiceover).  Marcus nominates Lisa and Charlie, for not joining in, as does Siavash. The new HMs have, of course, failed their mission.

Eventually, Kenny is called to the diary roon, but he’s just told to abide by BB’s rules. He says he ‘regrets’ what he’s said, and that’s about it. Nominations are then revealed: Lisa and Charlie would have been the proper noms, but instead, all new HMs are up, and Charlie, Sophie, Freddie, Marcus, Noirin and Siavash are all up too for talking about om nom noms. Who goes? This time you really do have a proper chance to decide.

Summer of Love 2009

This update is brought to you slightly later than usual, as last night I accidentally went out and had ridiculously camp cocktails and missed the first airing. Sorry.

Kenneth doesn’t know how to change a duvet cover, and David has to show him the inside-out-hands-in-the-corners trick. It’s all a bit sad. ‘It’s like boarding school,’ says Kenneth, but if my understanding of boarding school is correct, they still make you sort out changing your own bedding there. Freddie recommends the setting of 7.5 on the toaster, which is ‘micro-managing the toast,’ apparently. Bea laps it up. Marcus is VERY suspicious of Tom, which is actually quite salient.

So. how are the new HMs going to manage the secret mission? Well, not very well, I’d imagine. Hira is about as subtle as a follow-through fart in a jacuzzi, although at least David and Kenneth seem more sensible about it. Kenneth accosts Tom about it in the bedroom. ‘Hira’s got no idea,’ says Tom. Later, Bea tries to make the best pf it all. ‘Maybe they’ll vote for each other anyway,’ she says. Well, it’s entirely possible that Noirin will be up, but I don’t think it’s going to happen with Freddie.

Freddie fucking loves Bea. I shouldn’t be surprised if she loves him, too. ‘I think me and Bea could create the summer of love 2009,’ he states.

BB is throwing  a 10 year anniversary party, so Kenneth decides to wear £3000 shoes. I didn’t even know you could buy £3000 shoes. Seriously. The party room is decorated with pics of ex-housemates. How many can you recognise? Even I, an uber-BB fan, am struggling. Anyway, BB gives them cake, booze and music. They dance, and sing badly. Bea is outside, telling Freddie she has perfect feet, because she has ‘faith’. I know. The obligatory alcohol stealing incident breaks out, and Lisa is annoyed. Noirin is going on about Marcus AGAIN, this time to Sophie. ‘Is it my fault?’ ‘No,’ says Sophie, but it’s a lie. Then they say that Kenny is too flirty, and that makes them feel bad for Karly. They are such liars. Anyway, the lager argument is still going on, with Lisa fucking loving having an axe to grind. Siavash says he saw who took it. He accuses Tom. Tom denies it. ‘It’s a stitch up,’ Tom mutters. Was there malicious intent in his accusation? Well, I guess it’s possible, but I can’t quite connect why. He apologises to Tom, anyway. Later, Noirin tells Tom that Marcus is her ‘best friend in the house’. I smell trouble brewing. In the mian house, Marcus stirs the pot, and warns Sophie and Siavash that all the new HMs have watched the show, and are saying the right things on purpose. In the garden, David tells Tom that he thinks Noirin fancies him. Hm. Then Sophie and Charlie tell Bea that Freddie fancies her, and she is appalled. Oh dear.

In the bedroom, Noirin, Tom and Sophie get into bed together. Noirin talks drunkenly about nothing, then gets out of bed in case ‘she gets into trouble.’ See, if she hated Marcus’ attention, she wouldn’t have cared, right? Then she goes outside to talk to Marcus. ‘When we go in there, can I give you a piggy back in, so he [Tom] gets egg on his face?’ Marcus asks her. She agrees. ARGH!

She Doesn’t Like You, You Know.

I want to think that Marcus is sweet and kind and thoughtful. He isn’t. He is, instead, really fucking creepy. He stares at Noirin as she scrubs pans, and tells her that he could take her “to heaven and back.” Then, the date that Marcus ordered with Big Brother takes place. Big Brother gives them oysters and strawberries and then plays ‘To Be With You’ by Mr Big, which Marcus and Noirin then dance to. Marcus asks for a “proper kiss,” but Noirin tells him that she can’t give proper kisses. I can absolutely see this ending in some weird drunken kiss/fumble/struggle that goes too far, really I can. And Big Brother will be complicit in that; they’re doing everything that they can to up Marcus’ creepy factor. Noirin’s just as bad, really: she could just tell him to fuck off, say that she isn’t attracted to him, and tell him to leave her alone. But she won’t, because she loves the attention. It’s just really embarrassing for all the parties involved now, and I do not like it. In other romantic news, Sophie’s dog, Army, comes into the garden, nearly explodes with joy when it sees her, and then runs around. Oh, wait, did I say “dog”? I meant “furry goblin.”

The new housemates – Kenneth, Bea, David, Hira, Tom – then enter the house, and there’s much screaming, as loads of people recognise them from the auditions. (Charlie recognises Bea from LAST YEAR’S auditions, which means they auditioned twice for this show, and were turned down first time around. We’ve got last year’s cast-offs, people. Aren’t we lucky?) Kenneth and Karly do some kissing in the toilet. Kenneth keeps saying something about how long he’s waited for Karly, and then they have a really passionate kiss, and Kenneth grabs her bum. Really hard. Then he tells her that their “time is limited” because he knows she’s going, and she cries loads. “I thought you’d be there when I get out,” she says, and he tells her that he knows, but “I’m in here now.” Brilliant. He’s very caring. All the women fancy Tom, btw, because he’s built like a fucking tractor. He’s been put in for Noirin, right? Sophie will think he’s for her, but I suspect he’s for Noirin. Anyway, then it’s eviction time, and Karly is booted. AHHHHH.

Now, I need to discuss something very serious. Hira. She’s a pretty girl. She’s polite. She’s THE MOST ASTONISHINGLY DENSE PERSON I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED. Big Brother gives her the new housemates’ secret task – that the new housemates have to complete a secret mission, to get the randomly selected Freddie and Noirin up for eviction, and Hira tells Tom first. “Be subtle,” he says, “or you’ll give it away.” The other housemates all react in pretty much the same way, saying that they think getting Noirin nom’d will be easy, but getting Freddie nom’d will be impossible. Watching the housemates is amazing. Noirin stretches back and sticks her boobs forward for Tom’s benefit. Bea cuddles Freddie and they talk in exactly the same way. David is already slotting himself into Lisa’s little box of troops, taking Karly’s place. It’s quite fascinating. Kenneth walks around like he’s in charge, then heads to the diary room and, essentially, says that Karly wasted her Big Brother opportunity by “devolving” (his word) into a moaning, complaining, boring person. She’s going to love watching that bit, I’m sure. He also thinks that he can win. “I’m convinced.” He “pursued” 4 degrees at Edinburgh University, which is nice for him.

Marcus is threatened by Tom. “He’s been put in to knock head with me. I’m looking forward to taking him down. It’s going to be hilarious.” Marcus’ self-image is a real issue, I think. Some alcohol and snacks are wheeled out, and it goes to the housemates’ heads. Rodrigo tells Hira how similar they are, because they’re from different cultures. Bea and Freddie drink in the garden, talk about “lethal bubbles,” then Bea spills champers on Freddie’s coat. When it’s bed time, Freddie gives her a goodnight hug. I love a good romance!