You fucking scutter. Karly, so desperate for a cigarette, trawls through the giant ashtray in the garden. What a fucking scutter. Then, to make matters worse, Nikki fucking Graham appears to challenge Karly to a dance-off. (Karly is bookies favourite to leave this week, btw. How did Noirin save herself? Maybe it’s her abilities to charm men.) The housemates can’t fail any more challenges this week, so Karly is really going to have to danZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, I fell asleep. This task is only really entertaining for a minute, and then you hate it. Marcus talks about how he fancies Nikki. He stares at her from behind the glass, intense and weird. (I absolutely expect to see a photofit of him in the next few years on Crimewatch.) Nikki talks about how her least favourite housemate is Marcus. I SENSE A BUDDY COP COMEDY!
In the diary room Siavash explains why he doesn’t fancy Nikki: “I like a bit more meat on my chicken.” What he means, of course, is that she looks like a little boy with a scrunched goblin’s face and bad hair extensions. Anyway, Karly wins the task!
Next task: Brian Bellendo comes in to do the word association task. He kisses all the girls in the house, and has CLEARLY been watching this. CLEARLY. “Hello again Brian!” says my favourite Big Brother, and he laughs. This is – no messing – the most entertaining two minutes this entire year. “Say words that mean boobs, Brian!” says Big Brother. “Things on their chest! Round things! Oogala Boogala!” He leaves the diary room, hugs Freddie, calls Marcus “Wolverine”, kisses Sophie again and says goodbye to Siavash. Charlie goes into the diary room. He has to say alternative words for “Ugly.” “Rotten, vile, minging, stinking, rotten, humming, minging, stinking, rotten, rotten dot-cotton.” He then goes off. “Rotten-face. Ugly-eye. Ugly-face. Horrible.” He’s not great at this. “I just use the one, Rotten.” No shit.
Now, THE PROTEST. (NOT a dirty protest, I hasten to add. Thank God.) Marcus climbs onto the roof, followed by Freddie, Noirin, Charlie and then Siavash. “Give us more alcohol!” shouts Freddie. Siavash gets up and then screams. “I’m scared of heights!” He’s about five foot of the ground. Big Brother shouts at them. I’m paraphrasing, but it’s “Get down or we’ll throw you out!” The housemates do, and then find other ways to protest. One way is by throwing a bath in the pool. Then they throw a cactus in the pool. “We want pizza!” shouts Freddie. Next up: a silent protest in the diary room, all housemates crammed in. They make it 8 minutes before Siavash suggests that they unplug all their microphones and cover the cameras with their clothes. Lisa stop the protest, removing the t-shirt and leaving the diary room. Karly follows her, Charlie stands in the doorway, torn, and then decides to stay. Finally, they all give up, leave the diary room and then go and spray window cleaner all over the 2-way mirrors.
The worst part about this whole protest thing? It wasn’t nearly as entertaining as it sounds. Not even fucking close.
Big Bother 