He’s Lippy. On One Side He’s Intelligent, But Then He’ll Flip His Lid.

WHO IS GOING TO LEAVE?

My prediction, written at 9.03pm is – controversially – Cairon.

Anyway, as for yesterday’s ‘action’, such as it was, it begins with one of those scintillating conversations about whether Sophie Dogface really fancies Kris or not. Kris is part of the conversation, and it’s all very high school. Hang on, I smell a gimmick for this post: IT’S A VOTING EXTRAVAGANZA!

Go on, vote! Anyway, Noirin and Sree are having a little lovers’ tiff because of the cider. Sree is a weird prick, eh? We say it a lot around these parts, but he creeps me the fuck out. The only upside of him being in the house is seeing people – like Marcus, say, to pick a random name – wind him up. Sophie and Karly then have a conversation about whether she fancies Kris. I’m glad that they’re having this conversation after she gave him a hand-job. Imagine doing it before?! Madness. Sophie is wearing weird faux-sexy stockings that look uncomfortable on her, and make her weirdly top heavy. Her legs look snappable, or possibly undernourished. POLL TIME!

Karly and Dogface then stop talking about Kris, and talk about Marcus. He keeps going on about when they’re going to get their boobs out, and they don’t like it. Apparently he’s a bit letchy. REALLY? The single 40-year-old man who dresses like Wolverine and lives at home with his mum has the potential to be a letch? I didn’t see that coming. Some housemates discuss their living situations; Freddie lives at home with his parents and “80 other rooms”. What a c*nt.

The housemates then dribble in the garden and do some rubbish exercise, and Charlie acts like a moron. Oh, but don’t worry! He’s harmless! Let him dick about! Inside, Freddie advocates drugs and Rodrigo goes insane with anger. Freddie defends his point: he thinks marijuana should be legalised (WHICH IS A FUCKING SHOCK, RIGHT?). Rodrigo gets very upset about it. Bless him.

Angel then sort-of starts to rape Sree or something, but we but to Marcus telling Noirin that it’s sexy, watching her cook. She has her glasses still drawn on her face. “I’m very maternal, I love being a housewife. But I don’t want to to be *just* a housewife,” she says, thus alienating the primarily housewife-led audience of BB. Sree then just grabs a handful of cheese, Marcus tells him off, and then Sree just retaliates. “Fuck off you dirty bastard!” Sree says, and then predicts a big argument between the two of them.

There then follows a litany of WRONG. Freddie talks about getting more column inches than the recent elections. Angel vibrates her lips together, and claims that she’s making ultrasound. Siavash draws a smiley face on Cairon’s bum. Kris puts his face between Cairon and Siavash’s bums for a picture.

And then, Freddie and Siavash provide musical backing for Cairon to rap to. He’s not the world’s best rapper. (He’s no Darnell. DEM GIRLS! etc.) Sree then talks about how annoyed he is that Marcus is talking to Noirin. “He keeps on following her,” he says. Uh, okay. What?

No, seriously, he’s creepy, right? He keeps leaning over Noirin and sticking himself into her conversations with other people, and saying, “I’m only joking,” over and over. “Fuck off,” she says to him, and he tells her to “say sorry. You mention my name, you offend me. Piss off.” Wow. Heated stuff, there.

Anyway, this is all about the eviction, and… They’re now announcing it after the break. I refuse to watch 8 Out Of 10 (very unfunny) cats, so I’ll update this in the morning.

Anyone got a coathanger?

Angel starts her day by drinking mayonnaise mixed with hot water. YUM YUM. “I not chew,” she says, though she will drink. She also drank a raw egg earlier. I cannot explore how ill it makes me feel. Halfwit is strangely caring about her hunger strike. “My only concern is your energy levels.” Noirin think that Angel swimming in the pool naked is an attention this. OH YES? More on Noirin later. Twit. Angel tells Charlie she will also drink his sperm. Deee-licious.

Remember their task? They are still practising, and getting angry, and being tits in general about the rehearsal, the performance, about the possibility of failure. I shan’t waste your time by telling you about this naffery. I will tell you, though, that Sree acts like a particularly hateful child when asked to clean up/wash up/stop expecting others (the women?) to do everything in the kitchen.

According to some housemates, Angel is no longer on her hunger strike. But is she? I don’t know. She certainly isn’t eating much, if she is eating. BB asks if she is alright. “I’m an artist… For me, it’s very painful what’s going on with Noirin… But I’m strong… I’m giving my power.” What the fuck? I think she means she is still doing it to support Noirin’s upset about having glasses drawn on her face. FFS.

They perform the Ol’ Bamboo dance. It’s alright. They do a pretty good job. Tell you what – it’s looooong. Charlie is balls, as well. While they wait for the results, Marcus shows us the inside of his nose. Lovely. And oh, what a surprise. Noirin is tired of Sree’s rapist techniques friendly advances. The results of the task? Northern BB tells them that Dogface, Sree and Charlie all made mistakes. (REALLY irritatingly, Sree just shrugs, like he couldn’t have helped it.) Anyway, they pass, regardless, just as Big Bother predicted.

UH OH. Cairon is still moving in on Noirin. He asks to see her nipples. “My nipples are my party piece. I can hang coathangers off them and stuff like that.” OH, HOW EROTIC. Marcus states, correctly, that Sree is mostly hated on this side of the real world. Noirin is surprised to hear that Sree is a virgin. How on earth can she be shocked? Marcus tries to get Noirin to perform her party piece, but she won’t. I bet she would if she were up for eviction, though. REMEMBER HOW HARD SHE WORKED TO GET IN THERE. She tries to reaffirm to Sree that he smothers her, which is not good for her as she’s an independent woman. Throw your hands up at meeee! She agrees on a codeword with him for when she needs her own space. How very S&M of her. Then she calls a truce and kisses him! Honestly. If she doesn’t stop this soon, it’s going to look like she’s enjoying the attention… If I had a sex pest harassing me, I certainly wouldn’t kiss him (I’m assuming my sex pest would be a man, but there’s no reason that my sex pest wouldn’t be a woman. I’m just saying, is all).

OH LOOK. Here is Noirin promising to get her tit out for a can of lager. Great stuff. Her religious and moral beliefs are very important to her, remember? And she thinks Angel is attention seeking by getting naked, remember? Marcus is insistent that she do it. He better calm down, or he’ll get a sex pest rep too. Hm. I think he already has. Sree is trying to smile about it, but secretly plotting Marcus’ (and possibly Noirin’s) death(s). Sree tells Lisa that Noirin is upset by the discussion – but of course, she is relishing it. He just wants Lisa to kick off at Marcus again. Marcus admits that Noirin is his favourite girl in the house. “It’s the [her] cooking,” he says, “and the tits and the face and the arse.” God, I know he’s awful, but I’ll put it out there: I find Marcus quite amusing. I suspect he’ll do something soon that crosses the line, however, and turn himself into another Maxwell (BB6)-type woman botherer/hater. But at least he does the washing-up. And while all this is going on, Sree cries in the garden. Haha. I love his suffering. Oh, and Angel has decided to go off her hunger strike. “I prove what need to be done.” BUT DID SHE?

I Eat Cool. I Breathe Cool. I Shit Cool. Think You Can Beat Me? I’m Captain Cool As Fuck, Can’t Be Done.

Apparently, Channel 4’s censors stop us from hearing Siavash say the word “Wanker” but WILL let us see Angel, stark naked, getting ready to go for a swim. Words cannot express what she looks like, so I’ll give you a photo of the weird little alien boy, and let you work it out for yourselves.

*Shudder*

Anyway, that’s one thing you’re guaranteed of a morning in the BB house; the other is Sree, pulling himself closer to being a sex pest. Noirin is getting riled, you can tell, snapping at him. “People are saying rumour,” Sree tells her, and she bites his head off. “I don’t care, we’re friends, let them tell rumours!” The issue here is that she knows they are talking about Sree being a sex pest, not an “Are They Or Aren’t They?” style discussion, and Sree’s constant niggling, calling her “My Darling” or whatever and giving her constant – CONSTANT – hugs. He’s an irritant, and if this wasn’t on TV I guarantee that she would have told him to fuck off by now.

The shopping task this week is to learn a dance routine from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, to the song Me Ol’ Bamboo. I hate this sort of task. I think that Big Brother thinks it’s fun to watch, but it’s really not. We want to see them NEARLY fail, or actually fail. They’ve have it too good. This one? They’ll pass it easily. YOU READ IT HERE FIRST! Anyway, there’s already arguments about it. “I am trained dancer,” says, Sree, “are you happy, Marcus?” “As long as you don’t fuck about when we’re rehearsing,” Marcus replies. “Oh shut your face,” says Sree, escalating the argument. Oh, for God’s sake. I hate him. I can’t even hide this. I hate him more than I hate Freddie Halfwit. At least he isn’t a rapist overly defensive moron. Freddie actually has a good idea today; using Noirin to talk to him, because he’ll listen to him. He delivers the idea in the world’s most twunt-like manner (“Patience and pragmatism!”) but it’s a sound idea.

Anyway, they split themselves into groups to rehearse for the performance, and one group, majestically, manages to worry everyone else: Sree, Marcus, Angel and Freddie. I mean, really. If any group was likely to fuck up this performance, it would be them, right? Or maybe not, as Charlie reveals in the diary room that he can’t dance, and doesn’t know why he was put forward as the lead dancer. They do a big group rehearsal and it’s dreadful. NEEDS WORK D+

It’s time for the housemate nominations to be told to the house! Nobody says a word when Halfwit is announced, but Cairon? That gets a round of “CAIRON?” exclamations, and Cairon furrows his brow and looks angry. Freddie then talks to Angel, and she looks absolutely clue as to what he’s talking about. Here, you try: “Right brain, think about it, pffft. I mean, seeing through a haze, just through the fog.” He then sings A Foggy Day. He is dreadfully evil.

“Sree, you’re going to get all the blind and deaf girls,” Cairon tells Sree. “What’s wrong with blind womans and deaf womans?” he asks. Nothing, is the answer; though, they’re probably not watching Big Brother in the first place.

Don’t talk to me like that! I’m 41!

Do you remember when the Big Brother daily highlights shows used to be half an hour long? It was good, wasn’t it?

Why did Sophie’s brothers tell her not to get her boobs out on BB? Were they not aware of her chosen ‘career’ up till now? Or are they business minded, vaguely incestuous freaks, knowing that if she gets them out on TV people will freeze and use the images WITHOUT GIVING HER ANY MONEY? Either way, it’s weird. Kris and Sophie Dogface share a moment on the towels, where they kiss and sunbathe, and frolic in the pool. Is this OK? I don’t know. Isn’t one of the rules of this year’s BB not to initiate ‘fake’ romances? Something’s rotten, here. (Not as rotten as Noirin and Sree’s hypothetical date chat in the garden as he looks at her boobs and she pretends not to notice. Please, someone. Stop him.) Perhaps it isn’t OK, as they get summoned to the diary room. (And LOOK AT HER BOOBIES! MAMA!) They are accused of faking it. Dogface Sophie looks terrified. She also looks extremely guilty. Hm. Remember, she couldn’t possibly fancy Kris, as he is not black. And he couldn’t fancy her, as, being the wit he is, he only likes birds with banter. But even Freddie Halfwit would go out with a girl who lived on a council estate… And even Sree likes Noirin. Doesn’t that amaze you?! You see – stranger things have happened!

A challenge: to become a bull in a china shop. Cairon and Charlie (where did they spring from, eh?) are the front and back of the bull. Siavash has to guide them to demolish stacks of china, particularly the red plates. Surely it would have been a better task if they’d had to avoid the china? Any fuckwit can kick stuff. Honestly. They pass the task, anyway. Sree is still harassing Noirin, who is upset about having glasses and a moustache drawn on her face. But I thought she’d do anything! I thought she’d worked too hard to get on BB to be bothered! But she is. There’s no point trying to empathise, here. Sree draws some on his face too. UGH. She then tells Marcus that she won’t tell the diary room that she’s upset because she ‘doesn’t want to give them the satisfaction’. Then she goes in there with him anyway. She makes Marcus speak for her, as she feels that she can’t ‘join in’. ‘This isn’t who I am!’ she whines. ‘It’s like someone else’s identity!’ She threatens a hunger strike, and Marcus just laughs. But she means it! Oh dear.

It’s clear that most people hate Freddie Halfwit. He tells a not-very-rapt Charlie and Kris that alcohol doesn’t make you drunk – you do that to yourself. Do you think he’ll go this week? He is going to support Noirin’s hunger strike by wearing nothing but a towel all day tomorrow. Get ready to wipe your seats down, ladies! ‘I think it’s turning into a mental ward,’ says Lisa. ‘People should be eating. It’s the wrong thing. Perhaps I’m old-fashioned,’ she adds. Haha! For some reason, Lisa then shouts at Angel when she says that Noirin should be allowed to make her own decisions. But Lisa is right when she says that people watching will find it ‘pathetic’. An argument ensues. ‘I think everyone should shut the fuck up,’ says Marcus. ‘You will never, ever beat me with your stupid fucking mouth. Don’t talk to me like that! I’m 41!’ He is very, very irate. Freddie Halfwit then says Lisa is a bully. Aha! The trump card! Whoever says bully first always wins the diary room send-out, and becomes the victim. Lisa is almost immediately called to the diary room. Meanwhile, Marcus is praising everyone to prove the point that Lisa is his most hated. ‘People like her will never change.’ Noirin looks quite upset to have sparked this debacle. Well! She’s got her five minutes now! Finally, Marcus is summoned. ‘She looks at me like I’ve murdered her family!’ Quite.

I Ain’t No Little Boy! Step Up To My Face!

So, we’re Sapphia less, thank Christ. She walked because she missed her kids? Balls. She wouldn’t have gone in if she ever thought that would be an issue. Let’s discuss this episode in the context of her walking, eh?

First off, Kris slept in a bed with Sophie, and this made Sapphia sad. She looked at him with her sad face and said, “I thought that we…” and then turned away, and he made it clear that he didn’t care that much about her. Next, the housemates are chastised for talking about nominations, particularly focussing on Sophia’s comments about Sapphia being boring. This sends Sapphia over the edge, and she asks to go home. “I really miss my kids!” she says, failing to add, “and I feel humiliated and rejected and I lied in my VT about the sort of person that I am!” Later on, when she discusses Kris, she sounds so sad and broken. I almost feels sorry for her. Almost. “He wants to jump in bed with different people, I don’t so that,” she says. (Doesn’t she have two different children with different fathers? Just saying.)

So, she finally actually goes, bleating about her babies and “the atmosphere” stopping her being herself. Is it coincidental that Kris and Sophie Dogface are lying on a bed together stroking each other when she makes her final decision. “I’m going just for my babies!” she tells the housemates, which is a lie. It was a factor, sure, Big Bother would never suggest otherwise (WHO LEAVES A 7 MONTH OLD BABY TO GO ON BIG BROTHER? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?), but the primary factor does feel like it’s just having a slightly tough day in the house. “Have you learned anything about yourself?” asks Big Brother. “No,” she replies.

As soon as she is gone the housemates have a wake for her, and Sree makes a speech. It’s fucking dreadful, and that’s all all I say about it. Actually, no I’ll say a little bit more: He’s fucking dreadful. It’s fine, though, nobody listens to him. They all just get on with eating instead. And then, more Sree-bashing (ugh): Sree complains about the objectification of women in the house by Cairon and Siavash, so Sophie says that she hates it when Sree walks around in his Y-Fronts. Sree then tells Cairon that he’s a dick and a “little boy”, so Cairon goes all Marlo Stanfield on Sree, standing up. “Say it to my face! Show it witchu badman! What you chattin’ shit! My dick still be bigger than yours!” HE KISSES HIS TEETH! Big Brother then calls him off because it’s getting exciting. Seriously!

So, Sree then then says he wants to go, because Cairon is “talking so much bad wordings.” Apparently, he is an “unremarkable golden character in the university,” which makes no sense to me, but he does come up with a suggestion should they change Cairon’s name by deed poll at some point: “Eighteen year immature undecent character waste creature.” Catchy, eh? (I’m sick to fucking death of Sree. I’m sick of his near-predatory flirting, I’m sick of his self-obsessed whining, I’m sick of his suits and discussions of his age and education, I’m sick of him using his apparent multi-culturalism as a reason to be in the house, I’m sick of him talking up how proud people should be of him. I’m sick of his fucking excuses. He had surpassed Freddie as my most hated housemate, so well done him.)

Anyway, Sophia’s been evicted! Hooray! 92% of the vote, apparently. The only downside to this is that Freddie is still in the house, and will be made even more of a twunt bolstered by the belief that the British public like him.

It’s Because They’re Jealous Of Your Intelligence.

The Freddie Halfwit And Sree show is one I absolutely would not watch, under any circumstances. If one of those flukes happened and they ended up staying in, I think I would actually cancel my subscription to Channel 4, if that’s even possible. Still, it gives you an idea of how touch it is to be Big Brother. On the surface, the housemates this year seem like they’re really good casting, like they will provide hours of entertainment. In reality they’re almost all dull to the point of pushing sleep on me, and I’m writing this as I’ve just woken up. Halfwit floats about with his coloured in moustache and his leather jacket and I just think, How, seriously, did this wanker make it past the vetting process? And then he laughs, and I know that Big Brother hates him as much as I do, and I get it, I do, but it doesn’t make for good TV, necessarily.

Karly can’t count, anyway. “There’s 2 groups in the house. There’s the group that find Charlie funny; there’s the smokers; and then there’s everyone else,” she says, which, really, sounds like a description of the major viewing demographics of Big Brother. Me? I find Charlie to be what he is, and only as funny as the actions that he performs. Thus far, he’s not funny; he’s camp, and there’s a world of distance between the two. They must be as bored in the house as we are watching it, as well, as the housemates seem to do nothing but sit around talking about who they might kiss if they were bored. (Well, most of then discuss kissing. Kris discussing having “a poke”, which is a delightful way of describing LOVE MAKING.) Charlie says that he would kiss Halfwit, if he was bored. I can only hope that the boredom gets so horrendous he ends up forcing himself entirely on Halfwit’s lying non-homosexual arse.

The shopping task is too complicated to describe, but involves circles on the floor and laser beams and podiums with exploding custard-filled balloons. Kris is chosen, based on his being sporty and flexible, apparently. (I would have chosen Rodrigo – although, where is he? He seems missing.)

(There’s actually a better TV show that Big Brother on tonight, during the same time frame; the Max Factor Makeup Challenge. A woman gets her makeup done on TV whilst some people – Paula Reed, of Grazie Magazine! A Celebrity Facialist (which sounds foul)! – sit around and talk about her. It’s absolutely gripping, and possibly the worst advert I have ever seen, as it implies that you need a team of 5 specialists to apply any of this makeup. Do they come with the tub? I’ll bet that they don’t. I expect the commissioning editors of Channel 4 to have already made it into a full show, complete with a cast of 15 idiots trapped in a house to run as adverts between segments.)

Anyway, back to the shopping task. Kris breaks the first laser he comes across, and Lisa’s balloon explodes. It isn’t filled with custard, as promised; the hose plugged into the bottom of it is, instead, filled with a weird yellow liquid that, according to Karly, “tastes like jobbies”. (Does she mean blow-jobbies? Or is this some sweet that they have in the North of England?) As Kris goes through the laser field he steps over lasers, and, every time, grabs his willy, pulling it up so that his enormous dangling length doesn’t ruin the task for everyone else. It’s so mammoth! How does he walk! He must be able to pleasure all the women at once! Anyway, he wins the task, and then Big Brother sprays jobbie-custard in everybody’s face anyway, which is funnier than not spraying in their faces.

Freddie and Sophia are told that they have been om-nom-nominated, and they’ve both sad. OH YOU POOR THINGS.

(Yes! We’re back to the makeup show! Thanks to makeup, the woman looks “really healthy”. She’s surprised about this.)

There’s an argument about baked beans, and Angel eating them, but Kris arguing that they could go on a jacket potato instead. Noirin attempts to diffuse the situation, but – and I’m being kind – she’s has no negotiation skills. Instead, Angel goes and does her skipping rope in the rain. Kris sits in the bedroom and plucks Saffia’s eyebrows. SEXY. Freddie watches Sophie and Karly work out, staring at their whimsies from his vantage point close to their bums. Sophia and Freddie are both different people, pared back, calm, and far more likeable, nearly. Angel has a birthday party for one, with five Russian dolls. They contain her favourite treats, such as some semi-skimmed milk, a sausage, what looks like ice cream and a solitary sweet. Bless.

(The Max Factor show really jumped the shark in the third episode, when they completed her makeup and she looked okay, but a bit overdone. I suspect it won’t get a second season. The next show told us all about a new Pink album, which is actually her first 4 albums in a box for the cost of one album. Is this the future for the greatest hits collection, a bundling of all their recorded material instead? Shocking.)

Sophie and Kris are in full-on flirting mode, stroking each other, touching each other gently. It’s nearly sexy, their soft flirty touching. Saffia stares at them from across the room. YES! This is what we wanted, a lust triangle! Kris fancies Sophie’s boobs, Saffia fancies Kris’ hair, Sophie fancies black men – it’s all falling into place! Freddie then pleads for sleep with the noisy people, and they make a joke by saying goodnight for a few minutes. Frustrated Freddie is hilarious – I seriously recommend that Big Brother deprives him of sleep for the duration of his stay here, as he’s much more entertaining. Freddie says, “I get really really tired if I don’t get enough sleep,” which is an insane notion, honestly. “For me to be my lovely, usual self, I need sleep.” As I say, Big Brother: DEPRIVE HIM. Back in the bedroom, Marcus and the naughty boys steal Freddie’s bedding, and Angel gets hoighty, baring her fists a little bit. Rodrigo doesn’t like it either. “This is not children school, is Big Brother,” he tells us, offering clarification that, thus far, has been sorely missing.

In the diary room, Sree gets angry at Cairon. “He has no manners to his elders!” he shouts, speaking about Cairon’s 18 years to Freddie’s 23. “This is not the right way of attitude, this is Zero Tolerance!” Sree shouts.

I smell violence on the wind, people, and it’s threatening to make this series interesting.

Nominations!

Nomimations day! Are you as disappointed as Big Bother about the way the last week has been? We were led to believe we’d have a big input into who made it to full housemate status. It was inferred non-HMs would have to fight to become full housemates. But instead, over the course of just a few days, everyone bar Beinazir (who really shouldn’t have gone) became housemates. What a pointless waste of our time! And now the housemates are getting to nominate, so once again the power lies with the housemates in who they choose to put up, and not with us, the viewing public, who have to suffer them. Hurrumph.

Still, the nominations make interesting watching. Cliques are definitely morethan formed – they are moving, talking, making decisions. Sophia doesn’t stand a chance. Interestingly, Sophie-Dogface thinks Charlie is acting stupid. Is he? I hadn’t noticed, but then again he hasn’t had much airtime. She also picks Sree. Good.  Angel puts up Sophie, because being pretty just isn’t enough. Too true! Freddie-Halfwit, Sophia and Sree are the leaders with the most votes. Lisa thinks Karly (Kyrie, Kylie) is a “tits and arse” show off. Which she is. Good vote. She also votes for Dickwit, Shitdick… She means Halfwit-Freddie. The tide is also turning a little for Sree, after his initial ebullient victory on Sunday. Marcus “knows his game”. I do, too. He is a creepy lecher who guffs out ‘profound’ phrases and looks down the girls’ tops when they laugh. Rodrigo oddly nominates Cairon. I wonder why? I mean, he’s not top of my list, but he doesn’t seem to say or do much, does he?

Freddie-Halfwit has a bit of a cry/moan with Sophia. “It’s emotionally testing for us,” she says. Yeah. It must be SO HARD. How “We’re controlled by the public,” she says, but you and I know this to be untrue. Then Sree cries AGAIN. Oh Christ, just get over yourself. You are not the only person in the world, you weirdo. Even Lisa, who has surprised me with her calm and rational manner in the last few days, looks a bit bored of him. (Also. Oh my god. I have just seen Kris. I had forgotten he was even in there. UGH.) Did Sree just describe Sophia as “hard like a fist, with one finger falling out”? Did I really just hear that? Anyway, Sophia and Halfwit-Freddie are up this week. I am absolutely certain Freddie will be going.

Angel says she is expecting a war. I am not sure if she means within the house, or in terms of the world at large. She’s a fascinating, though evil, woman. Saffia, Noirin and Rodrigo tell her to lighten up, and she becomes upset. Eh? “Everyone hates me. I’m slightly different,” she tells Lisa. “Well, do I look normal?” says Lisa. Haha. “Do you live on your own?” Lisa perceptively asks. Now there is a lot of camera focus on Freddie-Halfwit and Sophie-Dogface, as he has her arm around her in the garden. FFS. No one cares!

Finally today, there is a task to win treats. Lisa has to sit alone in the garden. Is that the task? Sophia tells Sree to shut up, and to shut his “motherfucking mouth”, which Sree apparently misinterprets as her talking about his mother. Haha! Saffia loves it, of course. The sooner she goes, the better. Kris tells Sree that he doesn’t think Sophia is very intelligent. I don’t know about that. She seems of reasonable mental capacity. Siavash finally takes Sree in hand. “You’ve got to take things less seriously.” Amen to that.

PS Fuck off, Sree.

I Really Like Black Men.

Here’s the mid-first week Big Brother 10 Report Card!

Sophia: There’s a conflict over names with some of the girls, all fighting for best use of the Suff syllable. Sophia thinks that Sapphia is selfish, which she sort of was, but can’t help driving the point home until she becomes more irritating than crabs. (Not that Big Bother would know, of course.) From that point onwards I lost all sympathy for her, and, even when ganged up on when her wine is stolen, I had zero sympathy for her.

Dogface: Offered Marcus and Siavash a dual-feel of her boobs in bed. I don’t think that she was joking. Claims that she is most attracted to black men. Good to know that she isn’t shallow. (Incidentally, her nipples are horrible.)

Angel: Seems completely bored, constantly. I imagine that this is a hard transition for her, away from the exciting life of being a Russian-pop-star-cum-boxer. She drinks raw egss, which is absolutely revolting, and when she sucks at its teat she looks like some weird jawless zombie.

Sree: One of the most unpleasant people alive (though this is on a scale where I’m imagining that the only people alive are those in the Big Brother house). I sit and watch him as he creeps around the women, offering himself with an absolute lack of subtlety, using Slumdog Millionaire phrases, milking his pleasures (and probably his winkie) and just being an absolute sleaze, and I wonder how this (clearly but not-actually) sex offender made it past the vetting process. “Jai Ho!” I imagine he would shout as he exposed himself. Claims that God is with him when chatting up girls, and that he has “truth, humble and honest” (sic), which he has none of. Thinks that everybody loves him, so may be delusional. Is willing to hug Charlie, but won’t let him kiss him on the the lips. Spends hours talking about women, and marriage, and relationships, but only with women. “We need to be always jingle-mingled gender,” he says, explaining why he doesn’t talk to men at all. Seems to think that he is in a relationship with Noiron, and, even though he’s joking, I don’t think he’s actually joking. I recommend therapy, and/or death.

Karly: Sounds like Rab C Nesbitt’s wife. Remember her? With the blonde hair, haggard face, slutty clothes, lack of any real talent? I know it’s hard to imagine that voice on such a creature, but do try. She seems to think that the Germans learned their language after World War 2, when they met the British. I can only assume that, prior to this moment, they were a nation of grunting fools. (AND NO I DON’T MEAN THE BIG BROTHER 10 HOUSE!)

Sapphia: Oh Jesus. If I wasn’t being paid to teach her (which I’m not, clearly, but for the purposes of this hilarious blog format we shall pretend that I am) I would have killed her stupid face. She claims to like people and that she’s trying to be friends with people, which runs completely at odds with her VT, in which she said that she hated everyone. She’s obviously absolutely desperate for attention/love/anything real, which is ironic, that she should come onto Big Brother, where nothing is real. She is, I note, the sort of twunt that acts all serious when people songs because she knows the words and dance – and, during a Spice Girls recital, somehow seemed under the impression that she actually was Geri Halliwell, looking affronted when her lines were taken from her. She’s the sort of twunt that acts more drunk than she actually is, rolling around in that way that real drunk people don’t actually do, and then, ten minutes later, is back to normal and conspiring to steal other people’s wine. She’s the sort of twunt that jumps into the swimming pool with her microphone on and then can’t stop laughing about how hilariously funny and clever she is, then spends hours moaning about how cold and wet she is, clearly proving both her ignorance (about the chemical properties of water) and her sh¡tness (because she’s really sh¡t).

Kris: The sort of man that sees a large body of water and has to jump in to prove, what? His manliness? His ability to get wet?

Halfwit: Still a prick. Still an absolute, gorming prick. Claims to be some sort of sexual maverick, and pretends that he’s popular on the outside world. When it is suggested he fancies Charlie – primarily – he looks close to heaving. He seemed less-than keen on the thought that all of his directed lust heads towards men, which possibly leads us to see him as a giant frakking liar. Clearly had some hideous event occur at boarding school that he feels he cannot talk about, possibly tied into his days as a chorister. His description of anarchism is absolutely hilarious, and shows him up as a weird ignorant. When he went into the house, his VT stated that he was an anarchist. In the house, he states, “I’m with the conservative party,” thus having to lied to both us, the viewing public, and Big Brother about his tastes. He uses a huge amount of food without consulting people to make salads that nobody wants, then spends hours pimping that salad to everybody. He sings arias in a mediocre singing voice. I really, really hate him. Like, my most hated housemate in a long while.

Cairon: Loves Siavash. Uses the phrase, “Figure out how I was feeling my boy!” when talking to Siavash, tee hee. Starts, over time, dressing more and more like Flava Flav, which is great, and seems solely attracted to women with big boobs. Calls a lady Big Brother “Madam”, which I found adorable.

Siavash: Loves Cairon. Is less powerful than he would like to think when we can watch him sitting on the loo and whimpering. Has a stupid collection of hats that show how desperate he is to be liked. His character has started to come out by way of him dressing like some weird cross between an Arabian Opium den owner and a 1970s pimp.

Benaizir: Has since left for another school. I don’t care, as I will forget her in a week.

Rodrigo: His goal in life is to meet The Queen, and somehow thinks that Big Brother will help him achieve this.

Marcus: He’s still fun, but boy, is he weird. Has my favourite phrase for people like Sophie – vacuous, big boobs, blonde and tarty – Titbirds.

Charlie: One of the most stereotypical Big Brother characters ever. He is what it says on the tin: Nice, Northern, Gay. He appears to be entirely defined by these traits, and will almost definitely win, unless he accidently borks Halfwit one night, causing the toff to cry at the pain of his bon-bon virginity being ripped from him. (Actually, if that happens, I WILL pick up the phone and vote for him to win, I promise.)

Lisa: Lisa gives me deja vu. I have seen her before, when I imagined a blender, and stuffed into that blender Nichola (BB1), Kitten (BB5), Pete (BB7) and Tracey (BB8). She’s actually quite a nice person. Looks a little offended when Sree talks to Lisa becuase she is the “elder person”.

Noiron: Jesus H, I completely forgot that she even existed.

Eviction!

Apparently, this series of BB is already suffering from low ratings. This is unsurprising: the housemates, though often inoffensive and potentially fun, are much of a muchness, there are too many contestants, and the hold room for non-housemates is boring to watch, and not that exciting, as twists go. However, it will improve by next week, I think, as the nonentities are voted down the plughole (read: Heat front covers) and we start seeing personalities, rather than gerenic drones.

Today’s episode sees housemates and non-HMs alike frolicking in the cold, outside bath in see-through clothes. (Surely they didn’t realise their clothes would become transparent in water?) Sophia runs to the diary room as anyone is called. What fate will befall her? Well, all non-HMs are being offered a chance to become real housemates, and tonight, we shall be evicting those who have fallen short of the mark, though they have not been told this. Their challenge is to dunk biscuits. Now I do love this challenge. Biscuit dunking is a serious skill, and I will not be dissuaded from the belief. Meanly, they are not allowed to eat the biscuits, but still. Angel,  though able to comprehend the challenge though never having dunked before, fails  in her first time, though Beinazir, in choosing a custard cream (good choice!) passes. Cairon delivers a nail-biting dunk, with the biscuit falling apart just after the 5-second safe time. Exciting! his dunks win him the final housemate place. So Sree, Angel, Beinazir, Marcus, Siavash and Sophia are at our mercy. Not a bad group to pick from really, but it’s a shame that only one of them can go. I can’t predict who it might be, but I’m hoping for Sree. He’s weird and unexciting. He’s also got the potential to be a bit creepy. He  weeps outside the diary room. “Cheer up,” says Beinazir, and does a dance. “He’s so lovely,” says a misguided Karly. (I’m sorry, but I’ve made up my mind about the creepiness.) He weeps in the diary room. “To be honest, I don’t know anything,” he warbles.

The bathroom is finally opened to the housemates. Hurrah! I’ll bet they stink. They are so happy. I know I’d be. Lisa makes people do the YMCA song and dance. UGH. Do you know something? I really dislike Saffia. I don’t really have any reason why. She’s just a bit punchable. “Shall I wear  my bondage shoes?” Should you fuck off? Karly looks mean, and can also do one. I like Angel, irrationally. (After a week or two, I think shell annoy me, but oh well. Being fickle is how BB survives.) “I feel like, you know, I bit strange,” she says in the diary room, and cries. She also talks about her journey on the earth as an angel. She clearly mental, but hey, I like. Sophia is again going on about her dislike of Saffia. “I don’t wanna know about her life.” Ha! Me neither. Saffia tells the diary room that she doesn’t like Sophia either. Marcus is touching Sophie-Dogface’s boobs. “It’s like a balloon with jelly in it.” Good. “Do they do cock enlargements as well?” “Yes,” says Sophie, plastic surgery ambassador of this series. Sree is still going on about people’s perception of him. Bah.

And now, to find out who is going. It’s Beinazir! Gutted. She had the potential to be a lovely housemate. Boo. She gets no best bits and no crowd, but she does get a short exit interview. She was hungry, and cold, and smelly, and wanted a cup of tea. And she is bussed away, into oblivion. And there goes your first evictee!

Halfwits? Dogfaces? This isn’t Big Bother being rude…

Rodrigo, Noirin, Lisa and Kris are full housemates. This saddens Big Bother. Really? One of THOSE people may be a potential winner? A task begins as soon as they are awoken. Then, zomg, masked men run in and attack. Have they a license to kill? If only. BB plays in white noise, because as we all know, white noise is terribly scary. The non-housemates are lined up, and oddly the special force masked men, unlike in ANY BIG BROTHER EVER, are allowed to talk to them, albeit in stupid faux-angry shouts. They are given an S&M alike ‘safeword’ for if they decide these scary masked men are too much, but which none of them will use because they are all so desperate. (Well, as we saw on Friday, Noirin is the most obvious desperate, but she’s already a housemate.) They all go outside and punch the air and do starjumps, which is such appalling hard work that I honestly don’t know how they survive. Then they have to sit with their hands on their heads or against the walls. OH NOES. HOW AWFUL FOR THEM. CAN YOU GET FROM MY TONE HOW UNDERWHELMING THIS IS? They should be running around as moving target practice for the forces! They should be whipped if they walk with incorrect posture! They should be forced to watch Kerry Katona’s interview on This Morning and not let their mouths fall open, else they’ll be electrocuted! But no. And whilst all this japery goes on, the ‘real’ housemates feast in the multi-coloured (read: Big Brother is multi-cultural) diary room.

Saffia reads (yes, she can read) that three housemates must complete a special forces challenge. They are to walk barefoot over broken glass! Hurrah! This is what Big Bother likes. (Big Bother also likes funny things, like drawing glasses onto desperate faces, but evil challenges are better.) Another non-housemate is offered to take part in an ‘ultimate’ special forces challenge. Saffia and Charlie are to walk over the glass, and Karly is doing to ultimate one. And OMG, this is bizarro! Big Bro has been edited with that tense heartbeat music they use on Deal or No Deal and that while the glass challenge takes place. As it turns out, they have used sugar glass. Oh well. But Saffia and Charlie are now full housemates, whatever. Karly then takes her turn at the ‘ultimate’ challenge. Another masked assassin zooms in on a scrambling bike! Woo. But it’s all a trick, of course. They make her feel as if the bike is going over her, using a spare tyre, but of course, it does not. Dammit. (By the way, I have been run over by a motorbike in similar circumstances, and it didn’t hurt, and wasn’t heavy. I don’t know why she was so scared. “Did it hurt?” she’s asked. “Aye,” she says, so we know she’s a liar, as well as an idiot. Also, she looks like Fearne Cotton. Hateful.) Then the new housemates nosh on breakfasts whilst the non-housemates eat porridge. Poor porridge gets a bad rep as a basic foodstuff, but I like it, so there.

Did you know Freddie fancies Sophie? Well, he does. He is disgusting. Does he know his hairstyle went out in the 90s? Let’s get rid of him. Now we have to endure them eating. I can’t wait for us to finally decide who we’ll really be living with ovr the next eight weeks or more. Moaning about the food, Marcus declares that he eats cat biscuits all the time, apparently. I love him, not least because he adds, “not the tuna ones, of course.” Sophie is crying. Why? Because her bra and her boobs hurt from sleeping on the floor. Because her knickers are too small. Yep. That’s right! To make her feel  better, Noirin reiterates her cocking catchphrase of “I worked hard to get here.” What, by existing you “worked hard”? Oh, do one.

Freddie gets a good grope of Sophie as they are given a new, potential housemate task. they must change their names by deedpoll! (Although, like the wedding last year, I expect the legality of this is watery, at best.) She is to be called Dogface, and he is to be called Halfwit. Haha! They are now also full housemates. So they have booze and suitcases. And they are allowed into the kitchen of the house. And the non-housemates are given more slop to eat. Bet Marcus is dreaming of Go-kat.  

 Did you know that Sophia doesn’t like Saffia, and that Saffia thinks that Charlie will win? Well, he might. But then, it’s so open at the moment that it’s all a little irrelevant. But we’ll be able to sort it out soon. Freddie is singing ? Oh lord. Let’s make him the first to fall.