I’ve Never Even Seen A Willy!

(Tonight’s post will be written by an excitable 16 year-old girl.)

Marcus had a dream, right, OMG, I can imagine! And he was wrestling some old man from the WWE and then a “nice bird” was there and she threw him on the floor, and then OH NO BIG BROTHER! Why would you interrupt that dream-story? It was SO FUNNY! Anyway, it was interrupted so that housemates could get some small tupperware boxes of cereal from the cupboards, and Bea is ANGRY because Lisa wouldn’t give her Frosties when she gave her SO much tobacco the day before, so Lisa shouldn’t be shocked if Bea wants some of that tobacco back today. Then Lisa is all, “COME AND GET THE FROSTIES!” shouting all like that, and Bea says, “Don’t you dare shout at me!” which is absolutely right, because that LEZZER shouldn’t shout. Nobody likes her, not even David, he’s just obsessed with some other lesbian designer, so what does he know? NOTHING, apart from being from the North and being gay and being fat. (He said that he’s a 32inch waist. NO WAY is he that, NO WAY NO WAY.) Then Bea who is SO two-faced goes into the garden and makes peace with Lisa when nobody else is watching because she is that two-faced.

Rodrigo – OH MY GOD HE IS SOOOOO CUTE like a little kitten but with a cock though I bet he doesn’t have any hair, you know, on his pubes – then gets angry about not having chocolate mix when the house is making the shopping list. He is SUCH a primadonna! Hera – she is SO pretty OMG – sings a song in the garden and she can’t sing, not really, but she is SO pretty it doesn’t matter, then that big gay David starts singing and he ruins it. If he did that to me I would slap him and be all, Get off you big poof!

I don’t like Siavash’s beard, you know? I reckon if you kissed him it would really itch, and I get it smells a bit. Most beards do, right? They smell, like cigarettes and pork pies and that stuff that old men in pubs drink? Ale, is it? UGH. Anyway, they think Hera is playing at being nice which she might be but it doesn’t matter because she is SO PRETTY. Know who isn’t pretty? Lisa. Actually, she sort of is, I think, if she grew her hair and had some makeup done, I could do it for her, she could be quite pretty. She says she’s slept with 60 women, and I reckon she could get more if I did her makeup. She’s prettier than Sophie, because she’s a skank. She is SO fat! SO FAT! I’ll bet she’s pregnant, probably got it from Kris’ fingers up her, I reckon. She’s such a WHORE! (I wish my boobs were big like hers though, even with her really big nips.) She starts a tickle-fight in the bedroom which looks SO MUCH FUN I wish I was there! Once, me and my friends had a tickle fight and it got so bad I wee’d myself a bit in my pants, but nobody noticed. I’ll bet if I did that on Big Brother the cameras would zoom in and focus on the wee patch or something, UGH PERVERTS! Some of the tickle-bitches throw Freddie and Sophie in the pool then they go inside and get Rodrigo from his bed and try to drag him outside to throw him in, but he gets SO angry, like a Pug with a temper, then storms off when Charlie tries to wrestle him, then Rodrigo starts to steal Charlie’s bed and Charlie gets angry, and he’s all “Get off my fucking bed!” and then Big Brother calls Rodrigo away. Charlie is SO FIT though so I don’t care, and when he’s angry he’s even sexier, you know? Rodrigo gets all upset in case the Queen sees his letter and doesn’t want to be his friend now but OMG I STILL WILL HONEST!

Sophie and Freddie and Siavash and Bea get in the shower and then Sophie keeps trying to pull Freddie’s pants down and then we can see the top of his willy for like A SECOND and I have to have a sit down and calm myself down for a second. Sophie wears a bra in the shower! IDIOT! She doesn’t even take it off because they are SO BIG they would hit her in the eyes or something. Once I tried to lick my boob for my boyfriend Dave but I couldn’t, so he said that he wanted me to get implants so that I could, but I couldn’t afford them, and my mum wouldn’t even sign the permission letter. BITCH.

Anyway, OMG HERA IS VOTED OUT! Or, not voted in! Nobody cared enough to save her HA HA HA BUT she is SO SO SO pretty, right? Wow.

The Most Foregone Conclusion In The World?

Forget today’s Murray/Roddick semi-on, this is the real competition: Freddie Halfwit, the toff with no social skills VS Sree, the rapist stalker pervert pain in the arse from India. Based on the crowd – who cheer Freddie, not even a mix, but a proper cheer, and pantomime boo Sree (as he deserves) – it’s not even going to be close.

Incidentally, I think we’re being fair and unbiased here at BB Towers, but if you disagree, let us know and we’ll tell you to do one.

Words cannot express how much I hate Kris’ pink swimming trunks. They’re so fucking Top Shop, designed by pricks to be worn by pricks who might want to appear to be vaguely metrosexual when on a beach so that they can seduce teenagers who don’t know better. He mounts Sophie Dogface in the early seconds of the show, which is nice. Inside, ignoring this brutal frottage, the housemates do the shopping list. Sree is – surprise surcockingprise – annoying as all heck, which makes Marcus do an impression of Sree. Important: it was an impression of Sree, NOT a racist impression of Indian people. In the garden, Kris and Rodrigo and Karly spur Sree on to make a complaint about Marcus. Oh, whatever.

(Incidentally, I hate these flashmob adverts, and most of all, I hate the twunt that’s singing loudest in the Total Eclipse one. He deserves to be fucking neutered.)

Sree and Marcus argue and both tell each other to shut up. There, that wasn’t hard, was it? Apparently it was, because Channel 4 drag this out for five minutes. FIVE MINUTES. It does end with Marcus threatening Sree a bit more than might have been necessary, and Sree saying that he’ll put Marcus “in a prison, and (you) will eat the dog food for ten years.” Which is brilliant, as Sree apparently thinks that every single prison in the world is the black hole of Calcutta. Noirin then tells Sree to shut up, and everyone stays quiet. Freddie then tells Sree he went too far, and Lisa – who is, honestly, an absolute cunny of a human being – and Kris leap on him and tell him to shut up. Brilliant, thanks guys – you are going to make Freddie win this thing. It’s like they’re playing games and cheating a bit but have forgotten that we can see them cheat. Considering how aware they are of being on TV this year, it’s really very naive.

Then, Marcus gets all threateny to Big Brother. They accuse him of being a bit racist, and he tells them to “step back”. He’s right – Marcus wasn’t being racist, he was being a dickhead, and there is a difference. That’s fucking off by Big Brother. I understand that they’re covering their arses, but he’s right – if it had been Noirin, he would have done an arrogant Irish accent; if it was Karly, a drunken whorish Scottish one. It was Sree, so he did an impression of his irritatingly repetitive voice. Marcus gets very angry, but I think he’s right to – you can’t accuse somebody of being racist and expect them to not get angry if they’re not being.

(These Lucozade sponsor adverts are so dreadfully unfunny I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Kevin Bishop was behind them.)

Sree and Freddie then have a discussion about the gay gene, and how Siavash is dancing a line of ‘nearly-gay’. Siavash would sex Rodrigo if he had to, and Freddie would sex Siavash. Remember when Freddie said that he was gay? I do. Freddie then claims to be one of the most manly people he knows, and also the most feminine. I wonder how he thinks that he’s manly? Anyway, Marcus is then called into the Diary Room again, and reminded of the BB rules, chastised for his language earlier again. You can see him grit his teeth. Marcus’ slight suggestions of slight and vague threats are apparently enough to give him a proper telling off, or, as they call it, a formal warning. Any more and he’s taken out of the house. “Marcus, is there any more that you would like to say?” Big Brother asks, and Marcus nods. “Yes, you’re talking shit. Think about the words I’m saying. That is absolute bollocks.” I do think, a bit, that Marcus was being slightly threatening, but he didn’t physically touch the guy, and people are FULL of words in life with no intention of acting on it. Anyway, this is dull now, until Marcus claims that he could kill Sree with his eyebrow, and then it gets dull again. And it stays dull as people talk and talk and talk about it.

RIGHT, COME ON BIG BROTHER EDITORS, YOU AND ME, OUTSIDE, NOW, LET’S SORT OUT HOW FUCKING DULL THIS SHOW HAS BECOME!

Or not, because I was only saying.

(That Samsung advert that claims that waiting is dull but impatience is best? What they are really saying is that only twats use that phone, because every single one of the people in the “FUN!” section of the ad looks like an over-privileged and ignorant wanker that I wouldn’t be friends with if you paid. I certainly wouldn’t buy a phone that made me like them, now, would I?)

Sree then chats with Lisa and Karly about respect. AS IF THEY KNOW THE FUCKING MEANING. (Am I swearing more tonight? I don’t care.) And then Freddie calls the argument from earlier as he sees it: “It’s Sree’s massive ego attacking and defending. He doesn’t believe that Marcus was attacking him, he just wants to be right. He starts arguments by attacking people and then plays the victim. It’s awful, he’s awful!”

Freddie, ladies and gentlemen: THAT is why you should keep him in the house.

Anyway, Sree is evicted – 85% of the vote, which is a landslide – and then interviewed by Judy and Kelly Osbourne. Suddenly, Sree wasn’t the most irritating fuckhole in the room, as Kelly’s vacuous mouth spewed shit all over the audience. Incidentally, she clearly hadn’t been watching the show, as she didn’t know who Marcus was and couldn’t pronounce Noirin’s name, which just made her look ever worse. Thank God I don’t have to watch her for the next ten weeks, eh?

I Find Her Store It Seem Like My Store.

Right, let’s get this out of the way first: Freddie Halfwit gets LOADS of cheers by the crowd when Davina calls his name, and Angel gets LOADS of boos. I don’t know how this happened, but the incredibly posh, boastful, arrogant and conceited twat has gained followers. (Political joke: Maybe there’s hope for David Cameron in the next election.) So, unless the crowd isn’t a barometer, Angel is off later tonight.

Anyway, the recap:

The housemates are all annoyed that Freddie is annoyed that he’s nominated. Sophie – a dreadful judge of character, as she thinks that Kris is a “really nice” guy – hates Freddie. So does Lisa. In fairness, Freddie did say he thought that he was nominated because he’s too clever, although I’d wager that there’s actually a fraction of truth in it. Anyway, Freddie spins some bullshit about wolves and followers and whatnot, and then claims – cockishly – that he thinks he’ll be in the house for at least another week. That’s irritating: he doesn’t know, Angel might have a LEGION of followers in the outside world.

Speaking of Angel, she gets some water thrown on her by Charlie when she’s making her outfit, and acts like it’s a second holocaust. Then she goes and dyes Sree’s hair black again, which is irritating, as she’s removing a potential source of comedy (as Sree panics that he might be turned into a gay by having ginger hair).

Look, I’ll be honest: I’m finding this hard to even write about. Lisa and Freddie are both being twats about their own egos, and defending or not defending Angel or something. Lisa is just as much of twunt as anyone else on this show, but she’s got a little following, which might be making me hate her even more. I’ve gone on a scale, where I originally hated Freddie most, then Sree, and now Lisa is drizzling her way down my filthy pole of hate to the base, where my spite clusters itself in grubby clumps.

And then, cut to later on, and I feel like I’ve missed something, as all the housemates are dressed in bin bags with filthy 80s hair (apart from Lisa, who is her usual “punk” self, and Angel, who has become Edward Scissorhands). Karly then sings I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing, and Sree does an interpretative dance to it. You couldn’t make this shit up. Then Freddie talks about who the sheep are, and that Kris is a wolf, and that he wants to find the “key to unlock (Kris’) soft side.” (Also, Kris looks like Dale from last year RAPE EYES RAPE EYES.)

An argument about washing up blah blah blah and Noirin is making the most of her boobs with chicken fillets. Also, who argues with Rodrigo? That’s like punching a kitten, surely? Fuck’s sake. Noirin is pissing me off as well. Her and Lisa can just go and do one. I hate them all, I think. Message to Big Brother: I don’t know what you’re doing wrong this year, but sort it out, because I hate all of these people and this show is becoming dull as all living fuck. Fix it please.

Anyway, who IS leaving the house? Let’s see if my prediction is correct, eh? It’s… Angel, and she’s drawn some creepy moustaches on her face in pen and is dressed a bit like Jack White. Anyway, goodbye you mental, and have fun.

He’s Lippy. On One Side He’s Intelligent, But Then He’ll Flip His Lid.

WHO IS GOING TO LEAVE?

My prediction, written at 9.03pm is – controversially – Cairon.

Anyway, as for yesterday’s ‘action’, such as it was, it begins with one of those scintillating conversations about whether Sophie Dogface really fancies Kris or not. Kris is part of the conversation, and it’s all very high school. Hang on, I smell a gimmick for this post: IT’S A VOTING EXTRAVAGANZA!

Go on, vote! Anyway, Noirin and Sree are having a little lovers’ tiff because of the cider. Sree is a weird prick, eh? We say it a lot around these parts, but he creeps me the fuck out. The only upside of him being in the house is seeing people – like Marcus, say, to pick a random name – wind him up. Sophie and Karly then have a conversation about whether she fancies Kris. I’m glad that they’re having this conversation after she gave him a hand-job. Imagine doing it before?! Madness. Sophie is wearing weird faux-sexy stockings that look uncomfortable on her, and make her weirdly top heavy. Her legs look snappable, or possibly undernourished. POLL TIME!

Karly and Dogface then stop talking about Kris, and talk about Marcus. He keeps going on about when they’re going to get their boobs out, and they don’t like it. Apparently he’s a bit letchy. REALLY? The single 40-year-old man who dresses like Wolverine and lives at home with his mum has the potential to be a letch? I didn’t see that coming. Some housemates discuss their living situations; Freddie lives at home with his parents and “80 other rooms”. What a c*nt.

The housemates then dribble in the garden and do some rubbish exercise, and Charlie acts like a moron. Oh, but don’t worry! He’s harmless! Let him dick about! Inside, Freddie advocates drugs and Rodrigo goes insane with anger. Freddie defends his point: he thinks marijuana should be legalised (WHICH IS A FUCKING SHOCK, RIGHT?). Rodrigo gets very upset about it. Bless him.

Angel then sort-of starts to rape Sree or something, but we but to Marcus telling Noirin that it’s sexy, watching her cook. She has her glasses still drawn on her face. “I’m very maternal, I love being a housewife. But I don’t want to to be *just* a housewife,” she says, thus alienating the primarily housewife-led audience of BB. Sree then just grabs a handful of cheese, Marcus tells him off, and then Sree just retaliates. “Fuck off you dirty bastard!” Sree says, and then predicts a big argument between the two of them.

There then follows a litany of WRONG. Freddie talks about getting more column inches than the recent elections. Angel vibrates her lips together, and claims that she’s making ultrasound. Siavash draws a smiley face on Cairon’s bum. Kris puts his face between Cairon and Siavash’s bums for a picture.

And then, Freddie and Siavash provide musical backing for Cairon to rap to. He’s not the world’s best rapper. (He’s no Darnell. DEM GIRLS! etc.) Sree then talks about how annoyed he is that Marcus is talking to Noirin. “He keeps on following her,” he says. Uh, okay. What?

No, seriously, he’s creepy, right? He keeps leaning over Noirin and sticking himself into her conversations with other people, and saying, “I’m only joking,” over and over. “Fuck off,” she says to him, and he tells her to “say sorry. You mention my name, you offend me. Piss off.” Wow. Heated stuff, there.

Anyway, this is all about the eviction, and… They’re now announcing it after the break. I refuse to watch 8 Out Of 10 (very unfunny) cats, so I’ll update this in the morning.

I Ain’t No Little Boy! Step Up To My Face!

So, we’re Sapphia less, thank Christ. She walked because she missed her kids? Balls. She wouldn’t have gone in if she ever thought that would be an issue. Let’s discuss this episode in the context of her walking, eh?

First off, Kris slept in a bed with Sophie, and this made Sapphia sad. She looked at him with her sad face and said, “I thought that we…” and then turned away, and he made it clear that he didn’t care that much about her. Next, the housemates are chastised for talking about nominations, particularly focussing on Sophia’s comments about Sapphia being boring. This sends Sapphia over the edge, and she asks to go home. “I really miss my kids!” she says, failing to add, “and I feel humiliated and rejected and I lied in my VT about the sort of person that I am!” Later on, when she discusses Kris, she sounds so sad and broken. I almost feels sorry for her. Almost. “He wants to jump in bed with different people, I don’t so that,” she says. (Doesn’t she have two different children with different fathers? Just saying.)

So, she finally actually goes, bleating about her babies and “the atmosphere” stopping her being herself. Is it coincidental that Kris and Sophie Dogface are lying on a bed together stroking each other when she makes her final decision. “I’m going just for my babies!” she tells the housemates, which is a lie. It was a factor, sure, Big Bother would never suggest otherwise (WHO LEAVES A 7 MONTH OLD BABY TO GO ON BIG BROTHER? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?), but the primary factor does feel like it’s just having a slightly tough day in the house. “Have you learned anything about yourself?” asks Big Brother. “No,” she replies.

As soon as she is gone the housemates have a wake for her, and Sree makes a speech. It’s fucking dreadful, and that’s all all I say about it. Actually, no I’ll say a little bit more: He’s fucking dreadful. It’s fine, though, nobody listens to him. They all just get on with eating instead. And then, more Sree-bashing (ugh): Sree complains about the objectification of women in the house by Cairon and Siavash, so Sophie says that she hates it when Sree walks around in his Y-Fronts. Sree then tells Cairon that he’s a dick and a “little boy”, so Cairon goes all Marlo Stanfield on Sree, standing up. “Say it to my face! Show it witchu badman! What you chattin’ shit! My dick still be bigger than yours!” HE KISSES HIS TEETH! Big Brother then calls him off because it’s getting exciting. Seriously!

So, Sree then then says he wants to go, because Cairon is “talking so much bad wordings.” Apparently, he is an “unremarkable golden character in the university,” which makes no sense to me, but he does come up with a suggestion should they change Cairon’s name by deed poll at some point: “Eighteen year immature undecent character waste creature.” Catchy, eh? (I’m sick to fucking death of Sree. I’m sick of his near-predatory flirting, I’m sick of his self-obsessed whining, I’m sick of his suits and discussions of his age and education, I’m sick of him using his apparent multi-culturalism as a reason to be in the house, I’m sick of him talking up how proud people should be of him. I’m sick of his fucking excuses. He had surpassed Freddie as my most hated housemate, so well done him.)

Anyway, Sophia’s been evicted! Hooray! 92% of the vote, apparently. The only downside to this is that Freddie is still in the house, and will be made even more of a twunt bolstered by the belief that the British public like him.

Evictions, Walking Out and Why Do We Bother?

It’s very easy to see why some people end up on Celeb BB. Verne? They was him drunk and pissing in the corner like on The Surreal Life. Coolio? They want rampant misogyny and random moments of disbelief. Terry Christian? They want to give good people a second chance at a career that they deserve (he would make an excellent Panel Show host, I think). But Tina? She’s there to be fat and piss people off and then leave in a blaze of glory as the second evictee. And, congratulations, Tina: you played your part admirably! But what I didn’t really expect was what happened after Tina left: Mutya walked. I mean, fine, she stole Tina’s thunder, whatever, but, really, who walks out of Celebrity Big Brother after a week! 

It’s an odd one, that. They must be under some contractual obligation for a minimum amount of time, but there’s no way they’ll get paid the full amount they’ve been offered if they walk early, so Mutya has plausibly just thrown cash away (cash I’m betting she needed, from her very appearance on the show). So why did she walk? She said she missed her daughter, and, weirdly, I completely believe her. I just can’t see any other reason, unless she hates Tina so much she wanted to detract from her eviction in the worst way possible. 

Anyway, what else has been happening…

* Coolio did a really enormous and quite repulsive fart!

* Everyone got letters from home and the woman from Liberty X who has obviously got some form of radioactive poisoning cried a lot when her boyfriend wrote to her! (I wonder if she cried because he’s just learnt how to?)

* ‘The Housewives Favourite’ and Ulrika chatted about sexual dreams (which makes me feel sick, coming from either of them, frankly)!

* Terry Christian and Coolio don’t get on very well!

* Still, to this day, nobody gives a shit about Tommy.

Oh, to coin a phrase: it’s all so torrid.

And the results…

BRITNEY! She’s back! After everything! I read loads of possible guff this week, about how she is on a crash diet for tonight’s performance etc. Really? Well, whatever. Several mad looking circus-esque dancers leap about as she appears in silhouette – then begins to mime, badly. For heaven’s sake! You must have learnt to mime by now, Britney! This is so lacklustre, and I can’t help but feel disappointed.

And now we can find out who has made it to the semi-finals. The first act through is JLS. Louis weeps. The next person through is Alexandra. Good. Diana also makes it through. BOO! She screams gracelessly at the news. So it’s between Eoghan and Ruth. Eoghan gets through. I must admit, I am a bit gutted for Ruth. She should have made it to the semis. She sings Always again for us. Do you think we’ll ever hear from her again? I think we might. Louis is sobbing as she sings. It’s not that bad, Louis!

And so, next week, to the semi finals. Dermot doesn’t mention the theme of next week, so I guess we’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed.

The Results

Leona Lewis is performing. First though, we have to watch clips of her winning the X Factor two years ago. Because we’d all forgotten, right? She comes out onto a black stage with tons of dry ice wearing some kind of gothic tutu. That must mean she’s doing a ballad. Oh noes! She’s doing Snow Patrol. Simon looks pensive. I can’t forgive him this. She’s not releasing this, is she? Oh god, apparently she is. The stage then lights up and a choir pops into view. This is so needless. Never mind.

So, now for the real purpose of this show: who’s in the bottom two? The first act through is Diana. The second is JLS. Ruth is next to get through, followed by Alexandra. The last person through is Eoghan, so it’s between Daniel and Rachel. No real surprises there, then.

Daniel is going first, and he is singing Bridge Over Troubled Water, and he does an OK but fairly naff job. What is it about reality shows that brings this song out? I really could do with never hearing this again. So Rachel sings next, and again she’s picked a Mary J. Blige song, or rather, Mary J. Blige’s version of U2’s One. She does a weird wobbly dance, but her singing is good-ish on this occasion, although a little bit patchy at times. I’ve noticed that with Rachel – she is quite inconsistent. I think it’s obvious who will be saved anyway, right?

So, time for the judges to decide who stays and who goes. Louis wants to send home Daniel. Cheryl opts for Daniel too. Simon chooses Daniel, and Dannii doesn’t even need to vote. Daniel seems to take it very well, with a smile and no tears. His VT almost exclusively shows clips of what Dannii thinks of his performances, which is not a surprise either. Ah. Glad he didn’t win, but he seems like a nice guy – and by the way, Big Bother never criticised him for having a dead wife, but rather criticised the programme for foisting his dead wife upon us at every opportunity.

Next week is Take That week! Well I’ll be. See you next time!

How Xactly Am I Meant To Cope?

I mean, really: Starting two TV shows in one evening with a Mariah Carey performance? Do you want me to top myself? (Ugh, not in that way: She’s like a trapped Spaniel.) Anyway, Mariah is singing a really fractured and ‘interesting’ version of Hero that she’s changed a bit. I mean, fine, she’s been singing it for ever, you’d expect her to be a little bit bored by now, but people want to hear a song, not an endless warble to a vague tune you might recognise. She’s oddly slightly off-key as well, and there’s a wind machine blowing her hair back a bit. I’m waiting for the XFactor kids to join her! Surely they’ll come out for a final chorus? OH YES! Here they are, all dressed in white. There’s a bizarre and quite horrendous high-pitched screech running throughout the performance – watch it again with the volume up and you’ll hear it – and it right set my dog off. At the end of the song Mariah points to the audience to claim that a hero lies in them, and she sounds drunk. Mariah then says that it’s very easy to sit at home and criticise the singers, but it’s hard. I think she’s referring to Big Bother, so I’ll take it as a compliment that she even reads us. Simon then calls her the biggest star in the world: he’s a lying little witch. Ten years back, maybe. Now? I think not.

Anyway, onto the real stuff, the stuff you care about. Rachel is saved first (?!!?!?!?! Because people like atonality?) followed by JLS (no great shock there), Alexandra (again, no shock), Eoghan (Ugh) and Daniel (WHAT THE FUCK?). So, it’s between Laura and Ruth. Poor Ruth, I suppose – I don’t see this ending well for her. Anyway, Daniel is through again, and that’s more important I think, that there are enough idiots in the country to save him and let somebody better go home. (Speaking of which, the John Sergeant thing on Strictly Come Dancing? No longer funny. Not even slightly.)

Ruth is singing Knocking On Heaven’s Door. I reckon that she knows this from the Guns N Roses cover, incidentally – there’s a touch of the Axl about her intonation. It’s pretty good, all told. She’s singing very loudly, and it’s in tune etc. Still, this performance certainly does feel like she’s knocking on heaven’s the dole office’s door. 

And so to Laura, surprise ‘Bottom Two-er’ of the week. Singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow – made recently famous by cancer, let’s not forget that – the performance is chock full of her little Winehousey mannerisms for the first ten seconds, all singing through her teeth etc, and then she sort of falls into her voice properly. She has a lovely voice, eh? It’s very over-sung, all runs and warbles, and nothing like the original tune itself, but I think it’ll save her, as her voice is very impressive. 

Simon saves Ruth, sending Laura home – which I think is tactical oddly, knowing that Louis will save Laura, and sending this to deadlock, rather than being about boobs – and then Cheryl saves Laura. Dannii then saves Ruth and Louis goes with HOLY SHIT HE SAVED RUTH! He claims it’s because he’s saved the person with the most fight in them. Okay, seriously, what the heck is going on? Daniel, Eoghan and – in all fairness – Ruth are staying another week and Laura’s off home? I had her pegged for a final 4-er. Wasn’t she bookies second favourite to win this week? Insania. 

Anyway, life moves on, eh?

5! 4! 3!

The final episode! I’m screaming so loudly I’ll bet that you all – all of you, smallest audience of Big Brother ever – can hear me from your homes. We’re down to five – you know them all – and they’ll be leaving the house tonight. Finish. No more. Kaput. Davina welcomes some ex-housemates to the stage. Steph, who wears leather trousers and gets boos. Sylvia, who wears a frilly dress and gets boos. Jen, who gets booed. Mario, who gets booed. Belinda, who elicits no reaction. Bex, who gets booed. Maysoon, who gets no reaction. Luke, who has shit hair, confirms that he and Bex are dating, and gets booed. Dale, who gets cheers, and confirms that he and Jen aren’t going out any more. Stuart, cheers, Nicole, huge boos. HUGE. Lisa, huge cheers (and there, but for the grace of God, goes your winner). Mo Mohammed, boos, and Kat, a hearty mixture. Phew. Quite a list. Where’s Dennis? And Mooooslim? I’m assuming that the boos would have been so loud they feared for the very foundations of the studio.

Anyway, as to the report from yesterday: It begins with Sara singing Dem Girlz! YES! THANK GOD! Listen, producers: if his Best Bits aren’t to the tune of Dem Girlz, I will revolt. Apparently, Mikey came to the BB house to watch it. You could have stayed at home, Mikey. Easily. Then I wouldn’t have had to listen to you for night on 100 days. What the frak happened to Darnell’s eye? He has a patch on it. Why did we not see that? Is this like when Darnell broke the mug in the sink when he was angry? Rex then makes a toast to his father, for moulding him into the person he is today. Yeah, thanks Rex’s dad. THANKS. Rachel does a toast and it’s shit and dull, clearly. Mikey does one (and he can do one, he really can), insults Rex and jabs his tongue up Rachel’s arse. Sara’s speech is dull, but delivered in her cracked vase of a voice, so all is okay, and Darnell talks about respect and “nuttin’ but love for y’all”. But really, what the funk happened to his eye?

Gosh, Rex has a repugnant pair of silver shoes. Really horrid. Rex complains about the alcohol, or lack of it. “Do you really need alcohol to have fun?” asks Rachel. I Will Always Love You comes on the stereo, and Rachel and Sara ruin/enhance it with their shiteous voices. “Can we listen to the song, please?” asks Rex. He looks really sad. SAD FACE. DOUBLE SAD FACE, actually, as Rachel does that shit thing during the “I wish you joy and happiness” line of the song where she shouts the word Joy really loudly. Ugh.

So! Let’s find out who is in fifth place, eh? (I predict Rex.) It is…

DARNELL! 

Madness. Didn’t see that one coming at all. I am so confused. Frankly, all of us here at BB Towers are. Who the grok is voting for this thing? Darnell leaves, gets some boos, picks up Davina and, as he puts her down, grabs her arse. I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. In his interview we discover that his mic is not working. Darnell has apparently never seen Davina before, which is fascinating. He must have never watched this. (Maybe because he’s only partially sighted?) Now, they show Sara on the screen and she gets huge boos. WHAT THE CLUCK IS GOING ON? There’s a chat about spoons, which I think is some sort of sexual metaphor, but who knows. Next, we talk about Darnell’s being nasty to Sara, and blah blah. Darnell talks about having love for himself, which I think is onanism. During his interview there is not one single mention of Dem Girlz. -1, Big Brother Editors.

And now, in fourth place (I predict Sara)…

REX!

The top three is really Mikey, Sara and Rachel? Jesus. Says a lot about this year’s BB, eh? Rex gets huge boos – no surprise there – and acts like he doesn’t care. We all know he loves validation. Poor Rex. Or not. He poses for photos by popping his collar like a twunt. “Nicole I love you!” Rex says at the start of his interview, and gets booed for it. So he boos the crowd. Then they show a video of him winding people up. He gets more boos. Rex is far posher in this interview than he is in the house. Brillo pads. Davina is curiously harsh and difficult to him. I don’t think she likes him. Anyway, after his best bits, we find out who is in third place. (I predict Sara.)

And it is…

SARA! This is turmoil here at BB towers! One of us had her pegged for the winner! So, whatever happens the winner is an almighty dullard. This is like Cameron Cocking Stott all over again. For an hour,everything is put on pause for an episode of Ugly Betty. At least it isn’t The Kevin Bishop show.