The Kat’s Out of the Bag, and Greedy Mo has Eaten It.

The two people going tonight, as you may know, are the people who have the least votes to win so far. So, first of all, Davina tells us that Mo is going, as the housemates hold hands in their afro wigs and white dressing gowns. The look terribly shocked. The girls are crying and Mo is given no time to do anything much as Davina comes to get him. Mo is crying now, and Darnell. Luckily, Mo was not dressed up (almost as if it had been planned. Hm) as he leaves. (Davina has also helpfully said that the housemates have been impersonating each other, hence the wigs.) Mo gets a lot of cheers, actually, though of course there are many boos. He throws off his dressing gown and runs down the stairs. He looks a bit baffled. I think you’d almost feel a bit cheated if you were evicted without warning like this, but then again there are only three days left of BB, and I don’t really know what they were all expecting.

Anyway, now for Mo’s interview. "That was really tough," says Davina. "Darnell is calling BB a dickhead for evicting you at a party." Although he apparently thought that a mid-week eviction was possible. "I can’t even speak!" he says. "It must be quite annoying [to notbe in the final]" says Davina, to his saddened silence. He also thinks the "greedy Mo" nickname is unfair. Then there is a reel of stuff about him eating, which of course, no one else does, and yeah, he does look a bit greedy. He also admits he saw the BB psychologist about being greedy. He also gets asked, oddly, about Darnell and Rex’s mean comments to Sara, which he did notthink was bullying. "You kind of joined in," says Davina. Then she asks him what he thinks about Kat. "She’s happy at all occasions." Rachel? "Is she real?" "I don’t know what to say." Then he says something about her bum, which makes me feel a bit sick. He thinks Rex is better without Nicole. Yeah. "Why do people forgive him?" "They genuinely like him," Mo says. She asks him who he thinks is going next, and he thinks Sara, but he’s so wrong. Plus he wants Darnell or Kat to win. Well, Kat has a chance, I guess. UGH, his best bits relive him eating the bogey. In my heart, I hope that is why he has gone.

And now for the next head to roll. Darnell throws off his wig as Davina calls their names. Rex is laughing, with nerves, I’d guess. And Kat goes. Seriously, WTF? I actually can’t get over this. Rachel is sobbing. I am quite appalled, actually. The sobs and the disbelief of all the other housemates makes this horribly spectacular. Darnell is very upset. "I swear on my mother’s life I love you," he says, which makes me want to cry a bit because I am a twat. Kat sings happy house as she goes up the stairs, and she sounds broken. She gets some cheers but the boos are louder, and she can’t stop crying. She is waving and crying. It’s awful. Davina gives her a big hug. As Davina notes, she has no make-up on, and she is dressed as Mo, and she is doing press photos. "This is not how she’d have imagined her eviction," Davina says. I can’t believe there are actually people who aren’t friends with or related to Rachel voting for her. The world is a weird and scary place, eh?

Anyway, Kat’s interview. Um, well, she is obviously very hyped and upset, so I don’t really get a ,otof the opening of what Kat says. But she was happy with her reception. "I just like English Marmite. Sometime you can love me, sometime you can hate me." Then she sings some more of happy house. Then there are clips of Kat having sad times in the house, which is upsetting. She says she is pleased to have survived so many evictions and to have been accepted by Britain. "The housemates all thought you were going to win," says Davina. Kat says Rex’s rudeness is a joke, which is a dirty lie. She says she fell out with Darnell because she loves him too much. Then there is a bit about her and Rachel. Who is voting for Rachel over Kat? Kat is sobbing again because she loves Rachel so much. Davina wipes away her tears and Kat thanks her with prayer hands. Then Kat sings If you’re Happy and you Know It. Who does Kat want to win? Rachel. She gets cheered. Harrumph.

So, who is going to win? I am starting to think it’s anyone’s guess.

ONLY ONE EXPRESSION.

Lisa gets really cheered! Huzzah! It’s so nice, that she isn’t hated. 

This interview is really, really dull. There’s literally nothing I could report on. Well, there’s bits, I suppose. Apparently Darnell was really jealous of their winning the money. Davina asks about the engagement, and looks at the ring. “What was that like?” asks Davina. “What, having a big ring?” replies Lisa to much laughter that she misunderstood the question, but I am laughing at that for a completely different reason. 

Davina then runs through all of Lisa’s claims to fame from the house (friend discovered DNA, trained hamsters to walk to the fridge, ate 20 sausages in a hot dog etc) and asks her if they are true. Lisa says they all are, and she clearly believes it. Lisa then says that she wants Mikey to win and he gets booed! BOOED! HUZZAH! HE MIGHT NOT WIN!

From now people are voting to win. Darnell gets big boos, Kat gets a mix of boos and cheers, Mikey gets boos and cheers, Mo Mohammed gets huge boos, Rachel gets cheers and boos, Rex gets enormous boos and enormous cheers and Sara gets nothing but cheers. 

Ugh… So, based on that Sara will win. Apparently. Because she was picked on. My guess for the first two to leave – which is on Tuesday – will be Rex and Darnell.

The Albino Singer That Everyone Is Friends With.

According to the bit of text on Sky+, this episode features “highlights from the past 24 hours, including Darnell admitting he has treated some housemates badly.”  

HOLD THE FRAKKING PHONES THERE’S A NEW HEADLINE FOR TOMORROW’S SUN!

I should point out that I know the result prior to writing this, but Sara’s boos are far, far louder than Lisa’s. She’ll surely be evicted, right? WHAT IF AN UPSET OCCURRED? In the house, Mikey and Lisa discuss their noms and how Rex has managed to stay as long as he has, and Darnell cries in the diary room with a talk that is veering so close to suicidal I would honestly be concerned if I were BB. In the living room Rex gets narky about Sara having had too many twos on his cigarettes. Whilst Darnell cries, the housemates speculate that Darnell is walking from the house. “It’s your fault, Sara,” says Rex, “because you embarrassed him so many times.” Then they talk about her like she isn’t even there! This conversation goes on far too long: Sara made Darnell feel bad, apparently, and Darnell is an absolute victim in this situation and Rex shouts at people to shut up loads.

What’s most depressing about this whole thing is that Sara has to run after and be nice to Rex as he is the only one with cigarettes. Oh, and look, Darnell is talking about going home. Big Brother calls Rex into the diary room to remind that, with regards to Sara, his behaviour is being monitored. And then they say the weirdest thing: “It’s important, Rex, to think of how your behaviour will be seen by the viewing public.” Rex then gets very very defensive. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He’s going to get torn apart when he leaves. Torn apart. He then goes and shouts at Sara a bit. This is ridiculous: a house full of people who are either overly aggressive bullies, have guilt complexes, or are a cunning mixture of both. Sara then says that she thinks that Rex is a good boyfriend. Does she fancy him? UGH. Sara then goes mad and creates an insane victim complex – I’m not joking – where she twists some stuff that Rex said and changes the order of events to make him out to be worse than he is, all spurred on – some might even say orchestrated by –  Mikey (who I have always disliked as well, and have found very, very sly). I hate Rex – HATE him – but this is truly odd. We, the viewer, watched her have a cigarette with him, a cigarette that she is now denying ever happened etc… It’s a bit weird. Oh, but Kat likes him, so whatever.

Rex then bans Mikey from talking to him or “mentioning (my) name”. Mikey is no longer allowed to say Rex’s name, therefore, which is the best thing to happen this entire series. I want to know what will happen to him if he does. Rex and Mikey then have a fight about who is the most miserable. I wish I were joking.

And, after the break, all of a sudden Rex comes out and apologises and shakes Mikey’s hand. I wonder if BB has had even more of a talk? Because this is super bi-polar right here. Rex then moans, and then Sara and Darnell moan, and then Darnell says, “I’m tired of being myself. I’m tired of being the albino singer that everyone is friends with.” This still comes down to wanting to be fancied. “Darnell, it isn’t your looks, it’s your personality!” Sara says, and Darnell corrects her: “Personality means nothing.” That’s the problem right there, I think.

“Six more days,” says Darnell, and I totally know how he feels.

AND LISA’S OUT!

How to Ruin your Life when you’re Only 19.

Get Nicole out! Etc etc. In the end, I suppose I feel sorry for her, though her social graces are somewhat lacking. She is booed mercilessly. I think she’s probably quite scared, despite her smile. I suspect Rex will be horrified to hear the never-ending boos. I’m not sure I heard one cheer. “Obviously it wasn’t very nice,” she tells Davina. “But I wasn’t expecting cheers.” “Why didn’t you walk?” asks Davina. The basic answer is that Nicole didn’t want “to be a quitter.”

Davina shows Nicole the nominations clips. She thinks most people nominated her. “I wasn’t happy… I wasn’t myself.” says Nicole, but it’s hollow. “I’m fun, bubbly…” Davina then shows her clips of the Rex/Nicole show. “That is cringe,” she responds. She was worried about all the cheating allegations, as we know. “It was an impossible situation,” says Davina. Oh dear. This is like sitting in for work experience at Relate. “Do you think Rex will walk?” says Davina, but the answer is obvious. Nicole’s shoes make her feet look like a size 14. Now Davina asks her about Mikey. She witters something about disability but it’s all evil and oh well. She got on with Sara, apparently, but not Mo. “He’s stashing food!” shouts Davina, not really helping to lift the stereotype lowered upon him.

And so Rex’s ruined life draws to a close. Oh, and Mario is proposing to Lisa on BBLB (what do you mean, you thought that had been axed) on Sunday.

Bathing Beasties

Oh look! On the preview it looks like Rex and Nicole will break up! Because of course, they will. I mean, we wouldn’t have heard anything, right? It’s all break on pre-recorded Big Brother’s broadcast, right? Seriously, producers: this trick is old. Leave it out.

Nicole thinks Kat is childish, which is ironic. OMG, I think Rex shaves his armpits. How weird. I was watching the Olympics this morning, and was interested to note that German and Brazilian male gymnasts shaved their armpits, whereas Chinese, Japanese and Russian male gymnasts did not. So, perhaps Rex is German or Brazilian. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Nicole admits that she is spoilt whilst in the diary room. Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed.

The housemates don their cleaning overalls for the weeky clean of the house. I bet the BB house smells a bit. I bet the toilet is abhorrent. Mo smokes whilst cleaning, which is de rigeur for the cleaner I keep seeing in my local city centre, but apparently this is not allowed. Later, Darnell has his bath. Rex fiddles with Nicole’s boobs. OH THIS IS SO EROTIC GIVE ME A MINUTE WHILE I HAVE A LIE DOWN. Ugh, as if. They are the least sexy couple after Lisa and Mario I have ever seen on TV.

Whoever survives Friday’s eviction will get a ‘favourite things’ party. Rachel is asked what her favourite music is. “Britney Spears,” she exclaims, which would be fine except she follows this statement with “You know that one, I Love Rock and Roll?” UGH. Why does she have no general knowledge of anything? Do you remember when she said there were 52 days in a year? Well, I do. Big Bother hates things like that. HATES THEM.

Oh dear. Lisa is probably safest sunbathing in the garden, even though she jumps as NOTHING flies past her, because in the main house Nicole declares there should be capital punishment in the UK. Darnell knows someone who has 20 life sentences, “to set an example”. I wonder what this ‘friend’ of Darnell’s actually did? n the bedroom, Rachel discloses that she used to dream of being in BB. Did she dream of embarrassing herself on BB because she is boring and stupid, and thus losing her job in the real world? No? Oh well. Mikey has named Nicole “Nippy Nicole”. This is nothing to do with her breasts, and everything to do with Mikey, a la Kevin Bishop, thinking that a stupid word = funny, even if the content is not. Kat and Stu do weights in the pool. “I’m gon be size 6!” shrieks Kat, but I think this must either be a lie or a joke. Sara plucks Stu’s eyebrows whilst lying on top of him. He says he’s scared, but I think some other part of him in as unscared as it’s possible to be.

Kat gives Rex some relationship advice. Nicole never cooks for him. Oh, boo hoo. “You should have a chat about it,” says Kat. “She only gets worse!” says Rex. “You have to compromise,” says Kat. UGH. Poor Kat. She is being very sensible whilst all Rex says is a nonsense. If Nicole is as bad as he says, why stay with her? “I’ve broken up with her twice before,” he says. That is no excuse to go back, right? This is like Stu going on about wanting to leave the house, when clearly he wants (wanted!) to win. Now Nicole is in the bedroom with Rex. “Stop making me look bad. I’m not a wife who does everything for a man.” Nicole is only 19. I feel oddly sorry for her. “A relationship’s never going to be perfect, Rex.” “You’re not willing to change!” Rex says to his bedding. Oh oh oh what is the point? Nicole’s entry into the house was a pointless venture, unless the producers knew that it would make Rex look bad and they didn’t want him to win.

The reward for the housemates’ cleaning session (eh? I don’t get rewarded for dusting an vacuuming!) is a bath hamper, full of delights. The products must be returned after the eviction. So of course, they tw8t about with all the products. HOW HIRARIOUS. Darnell gets new hair, a beard, and some eyebrows from his shaving foam. Kat’s boob falls out of her bikini and Darnell and Mikey share a bath and loofah each others’ heads. If you hadn’t seen this, you’d think I was making it up, right? Well, I’m not. Waiting for the eviction results, Rex and Nicole argue because Nicole won’t tell Rex anything about what the press have been saying about him and her. I think he was accusing her of seeing other people or people selling their stories about them, but unhelpfully, the powers that be have cut the conversation that led to the fall-out.

Anyway, finally, Stuart leaves. “More of Wales must have TVs than I thought,” says Rex. What the hell is Lisa wearing? Some kind of orange gogo dress with lace tights – she looks like a circus hooker. Nicole tells Rex, in a bad move, that she wanted Stu to stay over Rachel. “Why would you say that?” he flares. Now Rachel is getting her ‘favourite things’ party. She must pick her favourite housemates to join her. She picks Kat, and they allez off to the BB discotheque. It is a room plastered with vile coloured tiles and full of food. Marmite sandwiches. Chicken. Weird. Rachel and Kat dance together and by themselves. It’s an odd and somewhat frightening, soulless sight. The smokers discuss who Sara fancies, out of Mo and Darnell. “I think it’s me, ‘cos you kissed me,” says Mo. Later, BB asks Sara if she’ll miss Stu. UGH. He’s gone. Let’s just leave it. Nicole and Rex are w8nking under the covers again. All’s well that ends wet well, huh?

By the way, sorry for the lateness of this post. I was crying over Stuart busy.

Neck Scarves, Suits and Eyeliners: Metrosexuality Is Not A Hit With Viewers.

“Stuart’s coming out!” yells Davina. NOT IN THAT WAY ROFL HA HA. Stuart comes out and gets some boos and some cheers and sprinkles confetti or something on the crowd. IT ISN’T A WEDDING, STUART! He gets mobbed by women when he tries to crowdsurf, all of whom try to pull him inside them to father another illegitimate child. It’s like Ursula’s pit in The Little Mermaid, all these poor unfortunate souls for whom Stuart is the highlight of their lives. Stuart fails at crowdsurfing. How can you fail at lying down and letting people touch you? 

Davina does an interview to ask Stuart some insightful questions about politics and OH NOES WAIT SHE ASKS ABOUT SEX AND ABS. (That’s Abdominal Muscles, btw, not that car thing that helps dickheads stop faster when they have been speeding.) Stu watches the clips of people nominating him, and somehow Kat makes more sense than Mo, who mumbles and stutters his way through. He’s clearly thrown by the fact that people nominated him for being annoying rather than because he just wanted to leave. INTERESTING. Stuart applauds himself. Stuart then acts coy when they show a video of his muscles. Oh No! Don’t show that! I’m so embarrassed of them! Mister Swan wept, honestly.

Kat gets some boos – “She plays up to t’camera!” yells some Northern woman in the crowd, and “she looks like Gok Wan!” yells another – and then Bex gets huge huge tits cheers from the crowd! WHAT IS GOING ON? Have we fallen into Bizarro Big Brother, where up is down and left is right? Crikey. Who will win? If Kat is not liked, smart money must surely now be on, who? Lisa? Must be. Mo, Rex, Nicole, Sara, Mikey – not a chance, surely? Darnell, maybe. Kat, still a chance. Rachel, maybe. No, I think the smart money is now on Lisa. 

Why is Stuart’s daughter not there to see him? Why has Davina just given him a book with pictures of her clothes and some of her teeth stuck in? IS THIS LITTLE MADDY PART 2? Sun readers demand to know!

The Wasp: The Most Poisonous Of Mister Swan’s Creations.

This is our 101st post. I don’t know how to feel about that.

“Get Rex Out!” chant the unwashed masses. Hang on. What? Stuart gets cheers and Rachel gets boos? What? Have I missed something? We here at BB towers have apparently called this one completely wrong. I am changing my vote! Rachel is clearly leaving, I suspect, as I have always suspected! She’s awful, isn’t she? With those ways she’s really nice? God, what a c*nt. 

Oh my word, Nicole is so freckly! I think she covers those with makeup, because you know what they say: Freckles = [insert offensive comment here]! And she doesn’t want that! What she does want, however, is some tights instead of food. Black tights. Hang on! Comedy is at a peak! Hold the Kevin Bishop Show, Channel 4: we’ve found something funnier, and it is Rex in a Borat swimming costume saying Borat catchphrases! (I’m using a lot of exclamation marks tonight.) Is nice! My wife, she is very fat! Yakshema! Etc. Apparently Mo Mohammed has changed to get nominated. IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE JUST BLOODY LEAVE. Oh, wait, you want your week of Little Brother, right? Of course. FFS. Rex wants his ego buffed, so he asks if Stu is the best looking male housemate. Answer: Yes. Sara then admits that she fancies Stu – or, sorry, wants to “kiss him”, because we live in some crazy world where we are all 14 years old – and then Mo Mohammed shouts it through the loudhailer and she acts all shy. 

(Channel 4 promo-watch: HA HA! Vaginas that look like a cauliflower! I’m not laughing at that, per se, but really, a vagina is a vagina, right?)

Katreya is saying a prayer to Mister Swan. “Show me where the exit are, give me the light to where everything is.” Apparently she has been in the house for too long, and, being one of the heathen Easterns, has turned to the false idol of the golden swan tap. Coincidentally, that’s the same deity we worship at BB towers. LIsa makes us some shit about how wasps will kill her because she has spoken to some nurses. “It’s how much they sting into you,” she says, “some wasps are the equivalent of the rattlesnake.” HA HA! says Rex, “Rattlesnakes are 1000 times worse than a wasp!” “What’s the worst snake then?” asks Lisa. “The cobra,” she is informed. “Well, she says, “it’s the same as a cobra then.” MISTER SWAN, GIVE ME STRENGTH! 

Rex now has paranoia that Nicole wearing heels makes him look like a dick. No, Rex: being a dick is what does that. Stu thinks that the only reason he is up for eviction is because he asked to be, and seems convinced that he’s staying. They are reading far, far too much into this all. Kat and Mo Mohammed are sent to jail for some conversation where Mo talked about tripping people up. Oh, whatevs. WHATEVS. Sara is flirting for money with Stuart, and it’s a bit dull. Rex bans Mo from drinking because he is prison. I don’t know, I really don’t. 

There is now another argument – THIRD PISSING DAY! – about some cider that was accidentally drunk. I shan’t be mentioning it any more, unless said argument leads to murder or suicide or sex. Or, preferably, all 3.

(Advert watch: Why, exactly, did David Beckham feel that he didn’t have enough money, and so signed up to do an awful advert for a pen? I’ll bet that was one of Posh’s ideas. Or maybe he just really likes that brand?)

I’m still not writing about the cider incident. I wonder why Rex likes cider so much? Do you think Nicole like cider? Maybe Rex likes putting things in cider? I’ll bet he likes putting cooking utensils in cider. He probably likes putting his spatula in cider. Or some sausages, Rex probably likes, when he’s with Nicole, putting some sausages in cider.

Speaking of which, Mo Mohammed claims that the reason he cannot escape from the prison is because he has big ribs. Yeah, Mo: That’s right.

Anyway, Bohemian Rhapsody is played into the house, and Rachel doesn’t know the words. Stuart does, as you’d expect really, from all those times he’s heard it played as the final song on a night out to his local Flares, and he sings along like a wannabe-Rock-twunt. There’s barely a hint of Wayne’s World irony, even! Shocking. Not shocking: Lisa’s dancing. She pogos up and down with no expression on her face like a jack in the box.

Davina is about to announce who is leaving! (Rachel.) It’s very tense! (Rachel.) God, it’s tense! (Rachel.) IT’S STUART! I thought it would be all along. I was only joking about it being Rachel.

The Kevin Bishop Show May Be The Worst Comedy Program To Ever Have Been On Television. Also, Dale’s Out.

(Not in the gay sense.) 

Between Big Brother episodes tonight I watched the Kevin Bishop show, staring that man from the moderately amusing yet astonishingly over-hyped Rock Profiles-esque Star Stories, and currently starring in those awful Natwest adverts. It was absolutely abhorrent, the worst kind of comedy: utterly bereft of any form of humour. There was a even a joke about tourettes as an excuse to swear because it’s really really funny. Channel 4, next week I shan’t be watching Big Brother in case I accidentally watch Kevin Bishop again, and you can tell him I said that. Got a gap? Call me. I could write a sketch show that will shit on that one in half an hour, and I’ll have it ready by thursday.

Anyway, you don’t care about the worst sketch show in the UK, do you? You care about Ol’ Rape Eyes. And, after 65 days of watching him do nothing he’s leaving my vision nearly forever. We see how Dale took the news. “You can have a wank,” says Sara. “You can see Jen!” I think those two may go hand in hand, pardon the pun. Dale leaves the house and, oddly, the boos are conspicuously absent. Why? He’s an idiot. Oh, GET REX OUT, I see.

Dale blah blah blah. He’s got a fat tongue and it keeps hanging over his bottom teeth, his jaw jutting forward in concentration. Dale gets asked about saying “nail some fanny,” and sort of denies saying it, oddly, despite there being a video right there. Davina calls Dale handsome, and he gets angry – there’s those eyes! – and accuses her of saying that he’s “deep as a puddle”. It’s an uncomfortable half-second, really. Don’t finish your drink, Davina. God knows what he’s put in there. Davina shows Dale a clip of Jen proclaiming her love for him and so it goes. WE HAVE A NEW CHARLES AND DI! JORDAN AND PETER! KERRY AND BALD DRIVER! Brilliant. Heat will run with this for weeks and weeks.

Dale’s Best Bits are what they are. He strips a bit and people lust. And then Jen runs on and all our hearts melt, right? Next week: More dull, surely? I predict that Rex is leaving us in a week, incidentally. This show closes by going back to the house, live, for a second, and to Rex and Nicole lying on the floor and Rex talking about his “big willy”. He’ll be out. PROVE ME WRONG, PUBLIC!

White Pubes Are Less Visible On Porcelain Than Proper Dark-Coloured Ones.

Rex is such a wind-up merchant to Sara! He winds her up about her antics with Darnell in the pool – the very same antics that kept audiences rapt. I wouldn’t know: This particular branch of Big Bother Towers didn’t watch it. Why? Because of THIS. Rex lies next to his girlfriend and gropes her boob and then thinks that she’s pissed off with him when she’s just a bit funny about boob size and he is a pathetic excuse for a human being. He then talks about how he has a lovely big pen¡s. UGH. That then turns into an argument about immaturity and blah blah blah. GET REX OUT is my prediction for later tonight. We shall see. Nicole tells Rex that she’s “had it”, and then says “bye bye.” IS THIS IT? Are the nation’s sweethearts crumbling before our eyes? 

This year feels so long, and I’m so tired. Imagine me as a tired old man (me) in a post-apocalyptic wasteland (Channel 4, with the exception of anything that Kevin McLeod does) nurturing my last cup of water (Big Brother) only that water is brown and muddied with excrement (the housemates), and I nurture it for far far far too long (the length of this year’s BB). Remember the exciting, fun days of Denny and the Mooslim argument and that whole fake marriage? I do. I remember them because recently I’m watching people whine and cry and argue and whimper like dogs kicked when they are offered £1million worth of food under the table. 

Davina makes a joke about Darnell having a w*nk. That would be the most exciting thing to ever happen this year, surely, his stark white member being beaten in a furious rage of sexual deprivation and confused racial tension? In real life (HAH!) Geordie Marcus The V/O Man tells us that it’s been 44 minutes since Rex and Nicole had an argument, because we are all counting. We don’t care. Would anyone care if BB replaced all the housemates bar Kat and Darnell and Sara (those last two solely because it’s great watching a car crash, right?) – would we actually give a damn? Stick Vanessa Feltz in the house, or wheel out that scary man from the horse racing shows with the timid wife. Anything. ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS MORE EXCITING. Oh, here we go: Darnell talks about his erections when hugging Sara. He is awful at declaring his attraction. “You give me an erection” is a dreadful chatup line.

Everyone laughs at Dale. Maybe the booing when he leaves will be motivation to him to kill himself? Just a thought. Here’s another thought, as Darnell cleans the loo: you’d never wonder which pubes in the sink were his, would you?

“Oh, I look proper ugly,” says Dale, lying for sympathy and reinforcement of his ego. C*nt. “You make the ugly people feel like shit,” Darnell says, his heart clearly breaking as Sara wants none of him. Poor chap. There’s lots of mystery prizes. Hearing Geordie Marcus say “Crocodile Tails” is the best thing in the world. Nicole brings the mystery prizes out of the larder and the men grab at her like drunkard babies lunging at teats. Rex steals a voucher to get some dry cleaning (yawn) and everyone goes insane that he got another voucher. “Why are you so selfish?” asks Mikey, and he replies with “because I’m a selfish bastard.” Which is logic you cannot argue with, really. Rachel gets a message from home, and we meet her lug-headed boyfriend and half-sister. 

Oh look! The crowd are chanting to GET REX OUT. Shocker.

Kat spells three words to describe either a cat, or Kat herself, I’m not sure – MINX, EXOTIC and… WHAT WAS THE THIRD ONE? BIG BROTHER EDITED IT! I’ll bet it was PAEDOPHILE. I can’t think of any other word it could be. Rex and Nicole are lying next to each other on the floor at the divide, so I just switch off for a while and start thinking about Bunnies and Hitler and other things like that. Sara dyes her moustache and looks oddly feline whilst she has the dye on. Darnell then says that he hates himself, which is also a way of chatting up Sara. He’s a 13 year old boy, really. Lisa drives this conversation like a regular Cilla Black, and asks what would make Darnell happy. “A wife, a child,” he says, showing how sensitive he is. “Mine would be a husband and kids,” says Sara. WAIT A MINUTE! “Life’s what you make it,” says Lisa, no doubt referencing the classic Talk Talk song, recently covered by Weezer as a bonus track on their Red Album. 

Anyway, leaving tonight is…

Dale. Big shock. Join us in half an hour when he will no doubt nail some fanny to a wall or something.

A Collection Of Words That Sum Up Belinda’s Eviction.

Apathetic. 

Rex = Ego. 

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhh. 

Positive Positive Positive.

Funny twirly eye makeup.

Why the hate?

Union Jack. UGH.

Bianca Gascoigne is, in every way, truly shiteous. Why would anyone want to put themselves anywhere even near that?

Snoring.

Dull interview. God. There’s nothing there, on either side of the interview. No interesting questions, no interesting answers. Davina seems bored beyond belief.

Singing. OH MY GOD. Jazz. 

(Jazz, you know, used to be another word for Wank. As in, Jazz Mags.) 

Belinda’s Vulva. And Labia. 

Belinda becomes a stand-up comic.

Davina pimps DVD.

RACHEL REALLY IS THAT NICE.

The fat lady sings, and it’s all over, for another week. 

(Incidentally, I think we’re in for a week of surprises and things. Ratings have fallen again, and you know what that means…)