2! 1! A Chat About The Final!

Lady Bother: So, I am very unexcited

Lord Bother: I am

Lord Bother too. UGH MIKEY RACHEL WHAT A FUCKING PALAVER

Lady Bother: I know. What a pointless Lord Botherss

Lord Bother: This is so underwhelming

Lady Bother: I like Davina’s dress though

I know

Lord Bother: She looks like a sparkly curtain

Lady Bother: Ha! I like ot

Lord Bother: You would

Lady Bother: They are both being booed!

This is a joke

Lord Bother: I’ve never known a final where the winner is just as hated as they are loved

Lady Bother: Nope. This really should be the last series of BB. We’ve had enough now

This proves it

Lord Bother: Yeah.

And this bit here – with Sara leaving – this is just desperately unexciting, right?

Lady Bother: Yes, and also sad because she doesn’t deserve to lose to that pair of twats

At least she is cheered, though

Lord Bother: Do you love her top?

Lady Bother: YES! But she has worn it every eviction night, so it is not a surprise

Still, I like it

Lord Bother: No. It’s like an old chum

She keeps making little whimpering noises.

Lady Bother: Yes. I hope something nice happens to Sara. I know she was weird with Darnell at the end, but I think she is the least exacting/most naive of this year’s bunch

Lord Bother: Above Kat? Have you bought into the ‘Kat is a schemer” thing?

Lady Bother: No, but Kat will do well whatever, you know? Whereas without BB, perhaps Sara would not have done

Lord Bother: True.

But she’s a PA! What a difficult job!

Lady Bother: I don’t know. I think I’m being overly sympathetic because I like her dress

Lord Bother: Ha!

I hate this singing banker.

He’s got such a Lord Botherdiocre voice.

And I hate that CG bit with him on the ship

Lady Bother: Me. And Howard on the surf board. Well, now it’s the ad break I can tell you my news

Lord Bother: Yes?

Lady Bother: I am going to audition for BB (if they ever make another series)

Lord Bother: HA HA HA!

Lady Bother: It’s true. It would solve all my problems. Anyway, back to Sara

God, I love hre voice

Darnell is shouting at her! What’s he saying?

Lord Bother: Watching Sara lead Darnell on is fun

Lady Bother: Ha, that VT was a bit sad, yeah?

Never mind, I’m sure I’ll see Darnell falling out of Chinawhites with Rex in the near future

He doesn’t need Sara

Lord Bother: Sara is breaking Darnell’s heart right here.

Lady Bother: Yes

But I do hate the way Davina always goes down this sort of shitty romance track in interviews

There’s loads more stuff she could ask her

Lord Bother: I know. They’re so desperate for romances! God knows why.

MIKEY IS THE FUNNIEST GUY?!?!

HA HA!

Lady Bother: I wonder if it’s just Davina’s ‘streetmate’ instinct

What are you laughing at? That she wants Mikey to win>

Lord Bother: No, the concept of him being funny, in any way.

Lady Bother: HA!

But that guide dog joke was funny, right? RIGHT?

Lord Bother: Ha. No.

I love that Sara thinks she has a funny voice.

Lady Bother: I know, her voice is like a weird dream

Lord Bother: “I WAS NOT A HAPPY CAMPER!”

Lady Bother: HA!

Do you think it was winning that £25 K that swung her into 3rd place, rather than 1st?

Lord Bother: She has such a big mouth. A mouth like a slashed handbag, my dad would say.

Lady Bother: That’s why she looks like Angelina, obv

Lord Bother: I don’t think it was the cheque that swung it: I think it was not being BRITISH. Seriously.

Lady Bother: Yeah, that did cross my mind, although Nadia was Portuguese. Anyway: the winner!

I am so unexcited

Lord Bother: WHO WILL IT BE OH GOD I CANNOT WAIT.

Lady Bother: OH

Lord Bother: Dear fucking christ.

How did that happen?

Lady Bother: WTF has gone wrong with the world?

I have actually thrown up a little bit into my mouth

Lord Bother: She’ll be booed as well!

Lady Bother: She’ll be booed to fuck

Lord Bother: I have a shit a little in my pants.

Lady Bother: Oh well, good thing she won given that she’ll never be allowed to teach again!

Lord Bother: 2 Housemates 1 Cup: They make us eat shit, forcing us to vomit.

Lady Bother: HA

Lord Bother: AND WE LAP IT UP.

Lady Bother: Ugh, why is Mikey being cheered?

Lord Bother: Oh, no boos at all!

Very disappointing.

Lady Bother: Yes

Lord Bother: I don’t know if I’m happy he didn’t win or not.

Lady Bother: I hate this series, and I hate that I have wasted over 91 hours or maybe even more of my life watching this

I do think this is clearly the worst series since Cameron Stout won

Lord Bother: Ha! I know. We’ve been here for 91 days doing this. What could we have spent that time doing instead?

Lady Bother: HA!
I have many ideas

Lord Bother: We could have written a hit BBC coLord Botherdy series like 2 Pints of Lager.

Or that Jasper Carrot one with the Indian wife and disabled son. I’ll bet that took them this amount of time.

Lady Bother: Or become nano celebs in our own rights, and have had people writing shit about us in magazines

Lord Bother: Interesting thing number BLAH: I haven’t actually gotten too bored with those Virgin Mobile idents. They aren’t too offensive.

Lady Bother: Hm. I think they’re shit

Lord Bother: ANOTHER GORILLA ADVERT!

Ha! Cadbury’s are storking the barel.

Lady Bother: I know. Exactly the same footage and concept. Well done

We could have done that in 91 seconds

The other one was only funny because Phil Collins looks like a gorrilla

Lord Bother: Yeah. They did another one in the interim that wasn’t with a gorilla and nobody liked it so they’ve gone back to this, but it’s much worse than the first one.

Lady Bother: Yes

Oh no, and now they are putting the other one on!

Lord Bother: And another one?

Lady Bother: What is this? The worst day ever? Bad BB, bad adverts. Where’s Kevin Bishop when you need him?

Lord Bother: I can oonly assume that Cadbury booked this entire slot.

Kevin Bishop? Dead, hopefully.

Lady Bother: Ha, or trapped in Natwest wordl

He has done a new advert with them. I saw it today

Lord Bother: Or maybe he’s been kidnapped by soLord Bother of our overzealous comLord Bothernters.

Lady Bother: God, he’s talented

Yeah!

Lord Bother: Yeah. He’s 28, and the adverts he filmed before he was famous weren’t actually filmed then, but are filmed now for the cash. Good on him.

Lady Bother: Yes, he is clearly one to watch

Lord Bother: I think, on this advert about sex ed, it’s 2 girls 1 cup that the parents get shown as an example of their children’s tastes in porn.

Lady Bother: Yes! I meant to say that to you earlier, but I fogrot

Haha, Rachel is already getting booed

Lord Bother: Mikey is a disaster.

Lady Bother: He is wrong

Lord Bother: He isn’t even looking at Davina as she talks to him!

OH WAITS

Lady Bother: I wish I’d watched Eastenders tonight instead

Lord Bother: Me too. Instead I have to wait for Sunday.

Lady Bother: Humoh

It’s better than this toss

How did we put up with it for so long>

Lord Bother: Mikey watching his best bits is really uncomfortable.

Lady Bother: Yes

He is the only one who finds himself hirarious

Ugh, Davina, he is NOT a legend

Lord Bother: It’s hateful.

Lady Bother: No wonder he’s on warnings at work

Lord Bother: Alec? Who the fuck is Alec?

Oh, Alex. MOOOOSLIM.

Lady Bother: Hahaha, I’ve been living next door to Alec

Lord Bother: I love Mikey talking about his big storylines.

Lady Bother: He is so arrogant, never mind Rex

Everyone is chanting ‘greedy Mo’!

HAha

Lord Bother: Ha! Greedy Mo is like a Meme!

Brilliant.

Lady Bother: Yes

I love it

Lord Bother: MIkey things he’s going to get some from Rachel.

Lady Bother: UGH

Lord Bother: SEXY WELSH STUNNA RACHEL

Lady Bother: That is the worst possible coupling in the world. Even worse than Katona and Jpn Lithgoe

Lord Bother: Katona and Jon Lithgow?!?!

What?

Lady Bother: Yes. It was the worst thing I could think of. That, or Nasty Nick Bateman and Edie Falco

Lord Bother: UGHHH

Lady Bother: Yes

Lord Bother: What about Mikey and Katona?

Lady Bother: Except Katona/Lithgow hasn’t happened. Yet. Katona would def. do Mikey, though

Lord Bother: FUCK! Rachel took 51.3% of the vote!

How did that happen?!

Lady Bother: What, the over 50% vote?

Lord Bother: No, the total final vote. 51.3%

It wasn’t even close.

Lady Bother: Yes, sorry. No, it’s a joke

Lord Bother: Oh. Sorry.,

Lady Bother: Why is she holding the cup as she leaves?

Lord Bother: 2 Girl.

Lady Bother: HA

You are obsessed!

Lord Bother: Gently.

Kat is clapping violently.

Lady Bother: How horrid for you

Lord Bother: I hope Rachel falls down the stairs

Lady Bother: No such luck

Lord Bother: Do you know what’s unfair? That she’s £100,000 richer and we’re both really poor.

Lady Bother: Yes. She’s won all that money for nothing at all

She wasn;t interesting, funny, or entertaining

Lord Bother: Nope.

Lady Bother: She was the Cameron Stout, as you said

A pointless and featureless housemate, who liked grapes

Lord Bother: Oh, speak of the Kevin Bishop devil.

Bloody Natwest.

Lady Bother: Oh, do you know what? if there is a BB next year, I don’t think I’ll watch

Lord Bother: No, you’ll be on it.

Lady Bother: I am actually angry

Lord Bother: Lord Bother too.

But then, for the result we cannot blame the BB Producers: we should blame the idiots who voted.

Lady Bother: Yes, but it’s not just that. In all honesty, there were only a handful of housemates who I wouldn’t have minded winning, but I had few strong feelings about it

That’s not the way it should be

Lord Bother: Yeah, but you liked Dennis, let’s not forget.

Lady Bother: Haha, he was quite funny

But my point is it’s bad casting

Lord Bother: Rachel is such a prat.

Lady Bother: I knoq

Lord Bother: Oh, so it was neck and neck with Mikey thenm

Lady Bother: Even so

Lord Bother: I am slightly satisfied, though: this is a win for God, don’t forget.

Lady Bother: HA! Oh, she hasn’t really had a difficult time. Why is Davina making such a meal of this?

I bet Mario is cross

Lord Bother: Yeah. I hope he storms the stage Rambo style and tears her head off.

Lady Bother: ha! We can but dream

Lord Bother: I love Mario and Lisa’a slightly matching outfits.

Lady Bother: Ha! And Lisa’s leopard top

“Were you being the real you?” Honest answer: no

Lord Bother: Well, we know she wasn’t.

Lady Bother: I knoq

Lord Bother: I love that Luke think she’s just fulfilled her gameplan.

Lady Bother: Haha. Luke was right though. If you don’t cause a storm, you won’t be put up for eviction, so the public can’t get you out

Lord Bother: What an exciting interview!

That was thrilling.

Lady Bother: I am so bored I might go and google two girls, one cup

Lord Bother: HA!

Rachel’s best bits are like watching filmed BLAND

Lady Bother: Well, things will look up when I’m on BB next year!

Lord Bother: Also, who says Bestest?

Lady Bother: Wankers

Lord Bother: True dat.

Baddy Bs

Lady Bother: HA!

So, do you feel relieved that it’s over?

Lord Bother: YEah.

Lady Bother: Lord Bother too

Lord Bother: Now I don’t need to stay up until 11.

This is reminding Lord Bother how great the first couple of weeks were.

Lady Bother: Yes! In was thinking the same

These highlights make it look like it was a good programme

Lord Bother: UGH I AM SO SICK OF SEEING BEX NAKED

Why bring that back and don’t show Lord Bother Dem Girlz? What’s the point?!

Lady Bother: HA! Stop googling it, then

Lord Bother: I’m not googling it: It’s burned into my retina

Lady Bother: Whatever

So, what was your favourite moment of this year’s BB?

Lord Bother: Lisa talking about ghosts/aliens/psychics

Yours?

Lady Bother: OMG my tv has crashed

Lord Bother: HA HA!

How apt.

Lady Bother: APT

My fave moment was when Lisa told the ghost story and they threw a cushion at the bedroom window

HAHAHA

Lord Bother: Yeah, that was awesome

Lady Bother: It was the best

BESTEST

Lord Bother: Right, well, I think that’s it, yeah? Anything to say to our lovely readers?

Lady Bother: Um, that if anyone knows why Darnell was wearing an eye patch yesterday, leave us a comment

And thanks for reading

We know how hard it’s been to watch this pile of shit

Let alone read about it as well

Lord Bother: Yeah, we hope you all appreciate what we went through to do this.

Lady Bother: Yeah. Thanks, though

Lord Bother: (Having said that, I’d love to write the official BB blog on the website: Producers, get in touch. We’ll do an AMAZING job.)

Lady Bother: True dat

Lord Bother: I’ll repeat this for posterity, to close this off: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, Rachel. Dear God.

Lady Bother: Yup. OH, god, we will see you next year. Sleep well on that.

5! 4! 3!

The final episode! I’m screaming so loudly I’ll bet that you all – all of you, smallest audience of Big Brother ever – can hear me from your homes. We’re down to five – you know them all – and they’ll be leaving the house tonight. Finish. No more. Kaput. Davina welcomes some ex-housemates to the stage. Steph, who wears leather trousers and gets boos. Sylvia, who wears a frilly dress and gets boos. Jen, who gets booed. Mario, who gets booed. Belinda, who elicits no reaction. Bex, who gets booed. Maysoon, who gets no reaction. Luke, who has shit hair, confirms that he and Bex are dating, and gets booed. Dale, who gets cheers, and confirms that he and Jen aren’t going out any more. Stuart, cheers, Nicole, huge boos. HUGE. Lisa, huge cheers (and there, but for the grace of God, goes your winner). Mo Mohammed, boos, and Kat, a hearty mixture. Phew. Quite a list. Where’s Dennis? And Mooooslim? I’m assuming that the boos would have been so loud they feared for the very foundations of the studio.

Anyway, as to the report from yesterday: It begins with Sara singing Dem Girlz! YES! THANK GOD! Listen, producers: if his Best Bits aren’t to the tune of Dem Girlz, I will revolt. Apparently, Mikey came to the BB house to watch it. You could have stayed at home, Mikey. Easily. Then I wouldn’t have had to listen to you for night on 100 days. What the frak happened to Darnell’s eye? He has a patch on it. Why did we not see that? Is this like when Darnell broke the mug in the sink when he was angry? Rex then makes a toast to his father, for moulding him into the person he is today. Yeah, thanks Rex’s dad. THANKS. Rachel does a toast and it’s shit and dull, clearly. Mikey does one (and he can do one, he really can), insults Rex and jabs his tongue up Rachel’s arse. Sara’s speech is dull, but delivered in her cracked vase of a voice, so all is okay, and Darnell talks about respect and “nuttin’ but love for y’all”. But really, what the funk happened to his eye?

Gosh, Rex has a repugnant pair of silver shoes. Really horrid. Rex complains about the alcohol, or lack of it. “Do you really need alcohol to have fun?” asks Rachel. I Will Always Love You comes on the stereo, and Rachel and Sara ruin/enhance it with their shiteous voices. “Can we listen to the song, please?” asks Rex. He looks really sad. SAD FACE. DOUBLE SAD FACE, actually, as Rachel does that shit thing during the “I wish you joy and happiness” line of the song where she shouts the word Joy really loudly. Ugh.

So! Let’s find out who is in fifth place, eh? (I predict Rex.) It is…

DARNELL! 

Madness. Didn’t see that one coming at all. I am so confused. Frankly, all of us here at BB Towers are. Who the grok is voting for this thing? Darnell leaves, gets some boos, picks up Davina and, as he puts her down, grabs her arse. I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. In his interview we discover that his mic is not working. Darnell has apparently never seen Davina before, which is fascinating. He must have never watched this. (Maybe because he’s only partially sighted?) Now, they show Sara on the screen and she gets huge boos. WHAT THE CLUCK IS GOING ON? There’s a chat about spoons, which I think is some sort of sexual metaphor, but who knows. Next, we talk about Darnell’s being nasty to Sara, and blah blah. Darnell talks about having love for himself, which I think is onanism. During his interview there is not one single mention of Dem Girlz. -1, Big Brother Editors.

And now, in fourth place (I predict Sara)…

REX!

The top three is really Mikey, Sara and Rachel? Jesus. Says a lot about this year’s BB, eh? Rex gets huge boos – no surprise there – and acts like he doesn’t care. We all know he loves validation. Poor Rex. Or not. He poses for photos by popping his collar like a twunt. “Nicole I love you!” Rex says at the start of his interview, and gets booed for it. So he boos the crowd. Then they show a video of him winding people up. He gets more boos. Rex is far posher in this interview than he is in the house. Brillo pads. Davina is curiously harsh and difficult to him. I don’t think she likes him. Anyway, after his best bits, we find out who is in third place. (I predict Sara.)

And it is…

SARA! This is turmoil here at BB towers! One of us had her pegged for the winner! So, whatever happens the winner is an almighty dullard. This is like Cameron Cocking Stott all over again. For an hour,everything is put on pause for an episode of Ugly Betty. At least it isn’t The Kevin Bishop show.