Negativitism

Highlights! I think we all know that Marcus will go tonight (though the crowd are screaming to Get Bea Out!), so the programme makers focus the day instead with the aftermath of Freddie/Bea and Charlie’s arguments last night. I shan’t detail it, but safe to say Bea is back to her old tricks.

Marcus is given a HUGE bag of fanmail, and the other HMs are amused and horrified (because, of course, they assume he is hated here, not realising that Bea is possibly one of the most hated HMs for a long time). Even Marcus has the good grace to laugh hard when BB delivers it to him, along with a camera so he can take signed pics for his fans. Charlie takes the pics for him.

Have you noticed how little airtime Sophie and Siavash have got in the last few days? Funny, given that they are very likely to be potential finalists this year.

Sophie (thought better of her), Bea and David decide to hide Freddie’s tea. This is unbelievably petty, though exactly the sort of ‘prank’ that they would pull. Anyway, BB tells David off a bit for hiding the tea in the diary room. David blames the other two. *rolls eyes* He lies to Rodrigo about why he ws called to the diary room, and replaces the tea. He does tell Sophie, Lisa and Bea though. ‘Are we made out to be bullies on the outside?’ asks Sophie, which is funny, because she’s the only one who isn’t. Privately, Lisa advises not to get involved with Freddie and Bea. It’s a shame no one’s advising Sophie to do the same: this is bringing out a bad side to her.

Moving on to the treats: Siavash has been given another suitcase of his other clothes (HA!), Lisa given fags, papers and lighters, and Charlie gets to listen to Girls Aloud in the diary room. Apart from Siavash’s and Marcus’s, those treats are a bit shit. (I suppose Lisa’s is good for her, but it’s so bloody predictable.) David suggests Freddie’s treat will be a trip to ‘West Downing Street.’

Also, Bea has just announced that the Wetherspoon’s in Bristol is ‘pretty banging’. Right. Freddie also reveals his best chat up line is ‘I really, really lie salad,’ because people don’t know what to make of it.

Marcus reads out his reply to his fanmail. It is hilarious. ‘I’m glad someone appreciates me more than this fucking production team,’ he reads. ‘All the fucking best, Marcus.’ Love it. In some ways, I’ll be sad to see him go. Then they play with a spacehopper and Lisa and Bea complain it’ll be taken away, then moan about everyone else behind their backs. David is oddly objective when Bea complains that Freddie dared to speak to her while they were smoking. ‘He might just be trying with you,’ David suggests. I’d love Lisa to hear what Bea said about her the other day – you know, her benefit rant? Yeah. Then Freddie and David and Lisa and Marcus have some harmonious moments when they’re a bit nice to each other.

GOODNESS ME. Freddie has been evicted. It must have been nearly 50/50, right? He takes his eviction well, but I worry about the smugg effect this will have on Bea. Let’s just hope she gets om nom nommed next week.

You ABSOLUTELY Did.

Rodrigo starts the day in non-confrontational mood, when Freddie wakes up and goes to apologise for twatty behaviour. He tells Freddie off and complains about the food, and then Charlie tells Freddie that his apology means nothing as “it’s Bea’s apology, Bea told you to do it.” Lisa then chips her bit in, and asks Freddie to stop mocking her if she’s up for eviction. It’s all a bit OTT, frankly, and just marketing aimed at bringing Freddie down. Freddie then, upset, chats to Siavash and Marcus about Bea’s tirade in the bedroom last night, about the fact that she clearly and obviously spoke loudly to ensure that the rest of house heard it. And then, in the bedroom, Marcus accuses Siavash of engineering situations to make Freddie look awful! This is scheme-tastic, every housemate suddenly smelling rats left right and centre, and deciding to try and out them. They can see the finish line, now, and they want the money. “It’s not real life, Freddie, this is a game,” Marcus tells him, and he’s absolutely right about that, but not about Siavash, who I still want to win.

So, Freddie goes back to bed, sad and contemplative, and then Bea comes in. Freddie asks if she really thought that he was picking on Lisa, and she says No. He asks if people are paranoid about his intelligence – and, really, calm down, Freddie, or you’ll get a big head. “Are you going to, for the third day, maintain negativity?” asks Bea, and he tells her that he won’t. Then she gets really angry and tells him that he is picking on her, and meddling, and sowing seeds of doubt in other people’s minds. I’m sorry, did I miss something? He’s a prat, sure, but he’s not machiavellian! She challenges him to go and ask other people what she says about him, raises her voice, starts crying, and it’s all acting and bullshit. “Why do you need to get somebody to this point?” she asks, and he tells her that he feels bad, “seeing the honesty in you” or some wank like that. Fucking Bea. How can anybody like her? Seriously? So, Freddie goes to the diary room and sobs because he’s been made to feel dreadful.

So, the ‘punishment’ for being naughty is finally revealed: the housemates are allowed to discuss all nominations, past, present and future. So they do. Siavash comes clean about nomming Freddie in Week 1, Charlie says that he nommed Rodrigo weeks back after they had a fight. Bea and Lisa then discuss who they’re nomming, and Bea leads. “Marcus and Freddie,” she says, and Lisa agrees. What a bitch. So, then, noms happen, and Bea is true to her word. OH NO WAIT SHE’S NOT. She calls Marcus a “crackpot” and noms him, and then noms David instead of Freddie. David noms Freddie and Marcus as well, and then starts crying because Marcus hasn’t apologised about breaking the rules and getting their luxury food taken away. Well, he’s sad about the loss of food, right? His 32-inch waist needs feeding. Basically, everyone votes for Freddie and Marcus (which Marcus is fine with, as he wants to go home, apparently).

(Oh, God, it’s that wanker in the Vodafone advert singing Total Eclipse Of The Heart again. He’s a cunt, he really is, and he thinks that he’s amazing. He is. If you’re reading this, you wanker? Fuck off.)

Sophie wonders if her boobs have grown – they haven’t, but she has put on a bit of weight, poor thing – but that is less interesting than Bea and Freddie having yet more discussions in the bedroom. Bea can’t get over Freddie thinking bad things about her or something. Freddie gets upset and anxious, and then Bea tells him that she finds him “negative” and deals with all negative people in the same way – she gets far away from them. She’s trying to work him up, to make him angry and explode or something. This is hatefully focussed, and utterly unpleasant. If the rest of the UK sees what we at BB Towers see, she’ll be torn apart when she gets out. “I don’t want to be picking anything up off you,” she tells him, after mentioning that she wants to move her bed away from his. WHAT? How OTT is she? Also, she’s slept with fucktons of people! She’s FAR more likely to have some horrific disease than him! Then Freddie cries loads, and Siavash goes in to see if he’s okay, and Freddie says that he feels “emotionally terrorised” – THE BEST PHRASE I HAVE EVER HEARD (since Richard the Sexual Terrorist). Freddie sobs and sobs, and we here at BB Towers feel horribly sad for him. Siavash comforts him, and calls her a bully, which she absolutely is. And to think that I used to hate Lisa more!

Freddie cries for ages and then Bea hears that he’s devastated, so goes into the bedroom to tell him that she didn’t intend to upset him. Freddie throws back what she said at her, and she denies ever saying it! HA HA HA HA! She’s fucking delusional! “It’s all on camera, you watch it back!” he says, and she denies it, and then he tells her to leave him alone. Wow. He goes all Henry V/Exorcist again, and that’s very funny, but, you know, she’s a fucking mental. She then leaves and tells Marcus one part of the conversation – when Freddie said that Bea’s voice was giving him a panic attack – and gets Marcus involved. Then she gets Siavash involved, and tells a lie, saying that Freddie claimed that the house were angry with Bea’s negativity, and it’s all too much for us here. She’s awful. Horrendous. One of the least pleasant housemates to have ever crossed this threshold.

You are like rebel

Ring the alarum! Marcus, Siavash and Freddie won’t get up. Oh, BB *did* ring the alarum, and they didn’t get up. So they are reprimanded in the diary room. (If I were a BB contestant, I wouldn’t bother getting up either, whatever alarm they played.) They all try to sleep in the diary room, so BB plays the crying baby noises at them as loud as possible without actually exploding their eardrums. Siavash disconnects the diary room speaker somehow, so they can only hear BB in a muffled way. BB gets angry. Eventually, the speaker is rectified, but the HMs are about to get punished. They are sent to jail. ‘You spend most of your time in that jail,’ Sophie says to Marcus. Anyway, because it’s sunny, and they don’t want to drink lotd of water because BB doesn’t give them many toilet breaks, they leave jail and go to the kitchen. Charlie (not very interestingly) encourages the rebellion. This is because he wants them to be punished further, I’d guess. BB keeps calling them to the diary room, but they ignore her. ‘People are too cocksure,’ says Lisa, the biggest Cock Sure of them all.

‘BB does not appreciate being spoken to with disrespect,’ says BB. ‘You speak to us like children!’ says Freddie, which is true. Bea thinks that Freddie is being led by Marcus. Anyway, he is annoyed, she is spiky, it’s all blah. BB then announces that all HMs will be punished for their misdemeanours. Lisa in particular hates this – well, she would. She must know that she’s on her way out. HATEFUL SLAPHEAD. ‘They’re just babies,’ says Lisa, who, let’s not forget, is proud of living on the dole through choice. ‘Don’t you care about the group?’ Rodrigo asks the naughty trio. ‘There’s nothing we can do,’ says Siavash. ‘We want to enjoy and have a nice time,’ says Rodrigo. ‘The punishment’s already done,’ says Freddie.

Anyway, they go to eat their lunch or whatever at the dining table, and Lisa and David eat theirs alone in the kitchen. Lisa is appalled at the other three, ‘acting like they’re a group.’ They are a group! And also, the dining table is for eating off. FFS. Then the kitchen in locked and all their food is taken away. Siavash apologises to the others. ‘I’m not bothered about the food, it’s the morals,’ says Mr Blobby David. ‘At least he said sorry,’ says Lisa. ‘Sorry’s just a word,’ says David, presumably because he’s had to say it so much in his sad old life that it’s become meaningless. Then Bea and Freddie have words, and Bea and David hug. What? Well, they do. Their food is going to be replaced with basic rations again. Good. David needs to lose weight. From his head.

Despite earlier stating that she didn’t want to do any ‘navel gazing’, Bea and Freddie discuss today and last night. ‘I think you’re bored. You’re looking for issues.’ She also says he’s paranoid. But he’s right to be suspicious of her. She is a shit stirrer, and I’m glad he’s coming round to realise it. The sad thing is that he wants to change it, and that cannot be done. ‘You’re not as clever as you think you are,’ she says. ‘everything she says is right,’ says David. This is so weird. I must admit, I’ve been flitting in and out of viewing over the last few days due to stuff going on elsewhere, and watching tonight, it’s almost like they’ve restarted the programme, complete with new allegiances and peeves. Very odd.

Anyway, the HMs go to bed, and Bea says that she doesn’t want to waste her sleep by talking to Freddie, then goes off on one when he tries to get to sleep and says that ‘people care more about their dinner than his issues with the diary room’. Gosh, she is a nasty piece of work, isn’t she?

I’ve Even Apologised To You For A Completely Involuntary Expression.

Charlie has a shit-fit about people touching his things after discovering that Freddie has moved his towel. It’s irritating, as Freddie was about to explain which two cities are close to where he lives, which is fascinating. Charlie then tells the rest of the housemates to not touch anything that’s around his bed. Charlie is really unhappy about this. Is he OCD or something? Probably not – that would actually suggest that he had something interesting or of substance about him. In reality, I think he’s just a mopey fucker. Also, Siavash is offering to wee on Bea’s leg because she’s got a bite on it. He’s a filthy fucker, I reckon; next he’ll be suggesting that coprophilia cures cancer, probably.

Anyway, for today’s grossly entertaining task, four of the housemates get to make themselves dizzy and then run around like pricks to put blocks into holes for tokens. Doesn’t that sound amazing? Imagine! Dizzy people! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! David is so dizzy he can’t actually stay standing, and collapses on the floor, but the other housemates are alright. Task over! Wow. That was BAFTA-worthy TV, that was.

Now David has made some Spaghetti Bolognese. Marcus talks about how much salt he ate as a child – one teaspoon in an egg, 6 eggs a day or some bullshit like that – and then talks about how his stomach acid can dissolve bricks. Then – we’re at the evening already, which tells you something about how interesting the day has been – David tries to tell everybody about how women have better orgasms than men. Not when they’re having sex with me they don’t, Dave. No, wait. Hang on.Anyway, he then talks about a woman who has lots of orgasms without sex, and then Charlie creeps up behind him and goes Boo and David has a prolapse. In the diary room, Siavash and Bea discuss how fake they find David, how forced, whatever. She then goes out into the garden and talks to Siavash and Freddie about the David/Lisa gameplans, and it errs hatefully close to discussing nominations, only in an ambiguous way.

But hang on! Sophie has found a packet of cigarettes under Marcus’ bed, and the house accuse him of hoarding them given that he’s a non-smoker. He argues that he was saving them to give them out as a gift another day as if they were rations. Lisa and David then discuss hiding lemonade from Marcus to see how he likes it. Freddie and Bea are discussing happiness or some shit, and how she was shocked about the cigarettes, and Marcus thinks they’re talking about him, so tells them off. Bea gets defensive and looks utterly broken. I think she’s beginning to lose it, or at least is pretending that she’s losing it for sympathy or something. Marcus says that he’s disappointed in Freddie for giving him eyes or something, and Freddie confronts him in the kitchen, and blames vibes on Sophie or something, and then Charlie – calling him Frederick – tells him off for trying to blame Sophie. It’s the worst argument that I have ever seen/heard/been informed about/imagined/contemplated/pictured. It’s a bunch of people without a case arguing about stupid things that mean nothing. Charlie then tells everyone that he thinks that Freddie has the biggest gameplan in the house, and Freddie gets arrogantly huffy and laughs about how he keeps getting evicted. (Realistically, is this Charlie’s gameplan? To get Freddie nommed to see if he’s still popular? Because he can smell competition? Who can say.) Like all arguments in Big Brother, this just reduces itself to people shouting about scheming and plotting and gameplans, a fine jus created from the roasting meats of different personalities. In the garden, to get some attention, Bea cries because she is upset that she heard something shocking. Her words. Ugh. Can’t blame her, though. She saw something shocking – a packet of fags – and it made her cry. You should see her in a newsagents; walking up to the counter is like crossing the Styx.

Then, brilliantly, Sophie gets upset and thinks that people hate her, and then asks to be put up for noms. I’m hanging myself, she says, and then Geordie Marcus tells us that there’ll be consequences for the entire house. The housemates finally stop talking about it at half past three in the morning, and go to bed, which is insane. And I’m warning you now – I’ve been reading what happens over the 24 hours following this, and it sounds like nothing but a stream of conversations about these arguments. You may want to skip Monday night’s TV show. Or, you know, the rest of the series. 6 of one, half a dozen of the other, right?

I Broke It When I Was Eating.

I hate writing about BB on a saturday, as the update still shows the departed contestant doing thing. I mean, it’s not so bad today, because Hera barely does anything anyway, but the rest of them are just moaning fucking minnies at the moment. Bea moans, Marcus moans, everybody discusses gameplans – and they act like they don’t have gameplans of their own, which is so annoying – and I’m just meh. Here at BB Towers, it actually came up yesterday – in the ether, in the form of a text message – that the best, funniest and most challenging thing that Big Brother could do this year would be to cancel the show mis-series. Who’d miss it? I’ll bet you would miss us here more, frankly. At least we’re occasionally amusing, unlike most of this bunch of twunts.

Oh no! Wait! Rodrigo has said something funny (albeit unintentionally): “He completely wet my bed, and tried to take me by using the force.” He’s talking about Charlie’s actions of the night previous.15 minutes through, now, and I’ve had to watch 4 of those Lucozade adverts. I hate them. I think they’re worse than any of the O2 ads we’ve had in previous years. They’re hateful, dreadfully written, utterly charmless. They’re putting me off Lucozade, and I LOVE the stuff. Liquid amber, it is. Was. They’re not as bad as those adverts before Channel 4 comedy – I’ve spoken about those before. Can you believe that that guy is a real stand-up? He must be hating his life right now, staring at his bank balance, but watching it dwindle as a nation exposed to his ‘comedy’ realise how unfunny it is. Unless he didn’t write those ads, in which case he’s just a bit of a shill. I don’t know. Hang on, Bea is justifying her existence in the house. Apparently, she should stay because she hasn’t been in the house long.

Also, Siavash predicts that Hera will leave in the eviction, and Freddie argues that Lisa will go. Siavash got it right, which is interesting, right? Next we see David and his 32inch waist in the bath. Brilliant. This is fucking thrilling. My elbow hurts, and I’m really slumped down on the sofa, and the laptop is now starting to burn my legs. I remember reading something a few years ago about laptop heat cutting down on sperm counts. I suspect that was a lie, like the one about menthol cigarettes. I wonder if any of the housemates are sterile? That would be an interesting revelation, right? Maybe. Rodrigo might be. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that he had female genitalia. He still looks just like Sharleen Spiteri, and I’m not going to let that one lie. He and Charlie argue in the kitchen about who is more aggressive, and the most interesting thing about the entire conversation is the revelation that their cheese grater is the exact same one that lives in my kitchen cupboards. It’s really sharp – I cut the tip of my finger quite badly on it once – and I wonder how easily it would slash through the thin skin that covers the arteries in the wrist.

Then, it’s nearly all redeemed. At the smoking area, Freddie and Lisa start making drum noises and whines, and then make a big song together. It’s a rare moment of absolute harmony, and they have loads of fun. David tries to sing along and can’t, so leaves, and then they finish their song and grin at each other. It’s quite nice, really. Lisa leans back, lights her cigarette, takes a puff, and then, with nary a hint of irony, says, “Ahh, fresh air.” Then we cut to a Lucozade promo and all goodwill is lost, and then we come back and watch Hera get evicted. “That is bullcrap!” Marcus shouts, and Siavash asks if everyone is as surprised as he is, when we know that he isn’t surprised at all.

Some other things: Marcus snaps a bowl with his hands as he’s eating cereal. Freddie forces his body as close to Bea’s as physically possible whilst they sleep. Rodrigo and Charlie whisper something before they go to bed, and then pull the covers over their heads and either have a kiss or make kissing noises. Either way, they clearly want to be bumming. AND THAT’S THE END OF THE SHOW FOR THE DAY.

I’ve Never Even Seen A Willy!

(Tonight’s post will be written by an excitable 16 year-old girl.)

Marcus had a dream, right, OMG, I can imagine! And he was wrestling some old man from the WWE and then a “nice bird” was there and she threw him on the floor, and then OH NO BIG BROTHER! Why would you interrupt that dream-story? It was SO FUNNY! Anyway, it was interrupted so that housemates could get some small tupperware boxes of cereal from the cupboards, and Bea is ANGRY because Lisa wouldn’t give her Frosties when she gave her SO much tobacco the day before, so Lisa shouldn’t be shocked if Bea wants some of that tobacco back today. Then Lisa is all, “COME AND GET THE FROSTIES!” shouting all like that, and Bea says, “Don’t you dare shout at me!” which is absolutely right, because that LEZZER shouldn’t shout. Nobody likes her, not even David, he’s just obsessed with some other lesbian designer, so what does he know? NOTHING, apart from being from the North and being gay and being fat. (He said that he’s a 32inch waist. NO WAY is he that, NO WAY NO WAY.) Then Bea who is SO two-faced goes into the garden and makes peace with Lisa when nobody else is watching because she is that two-faced.

Rodrigo – OH MY GOD HE IS SOOOOO CUTE like a little kitten but with a cock though I bet he doesn’t have any hair, you know, on his pubes – then gets angry about not having chocolate mix when the house is making the shopping list. He is SUCH a primadonna! Hera – she is SO pretty OMG – sings a song in the garden and she can’t sing, not really, but she is SO pretty it doesn’t matter, then that big gay David starts singing and he ruins it. If he did that to me I would slap him and be all, Get off you big poof!

I don’t like Siavash’s beard, you know? I reckon if you kissed him it would really itch, and I get it smells a bit. Most beards do, right? They smell, like cigarettes and pork pies and that stuff that old men in pubs drink? Ale, is it? UGH. Anyway, they think Hera is playing at being nice which she might be but it doesn’t matter because she is SO PRETTY. Know who isn’t pretty? Lisa. Actually, she sort of is, I think, if she grew her hair and had some makeup done, I could do it for her, she could be quite pretty. She says she’s slept with 60 women, and I reckon she could get more if I did her makeup. She’s prettier than Sophie, because she’s a skank. She is SO fat! SO FAT! I’ll bet she’s pregnant, probably got it from Kris’ fingers up her, I reckon. She’s such a WHORE! (I wish my boobs were big like hers though, even with her really big nips.) She starts a tickle-fight in the bedroom which looks SO MUCH FUN I wish I was there! Once, me and my friends had a tickle fight and it got so bad I wee’d myself a bit in my pants, but nobody noticed. I’ll bet if I did that on Big Brother the cameras would zoom in and focus on the wee patch or something, UGH PERVERTS! Some of the tickle-bitches throw Freddie and Sophie in the pool then they go inside and get Rodrigo from his bed and try to drag him outside to throw him in, but he gets SO angry, like a Pug with a temper, then storms off when Charlie tries to wrestle him, then Rodrigo starts to steal Charlie’s bed and Charlie gets angry, and he’s all “Get off my fucking bed!” and then Big Brother calls Rodrigo away. Charlie is SO FIT though so I don’t care, and when he’s angry he’s even sexier, you know? Rodrigo gets all upset in case the Queen sees his letter and doesn’t want to be his friend now but OMG I STILL WILL HONEST!

Sophie and Freddie and Siavash and Bea get in the shower and then Sophie keeps trying to pull Freddie’s pants down and then we can see the top of his willy for like A SECOND and I have to have a sit down and calm myself down for a second. Sophie wears a bra in the shower! IDIOT! She doesn’t even take it off because they are SO BIG they would hit her in the eyes or something. Once I tried to lick my boob for my boyfriend Dave but I couldn’t, so he said that he wanted me to get implants so that I could, but I couldn’t afford them, and my mum wouldn’t even sign the permission letter. BITCH.

Anyway, OMG HERA IS VOTED OUT! Or, not voted in! Nobody cared enough to save her HA HA HA BUT she is SO SO SO pretty, right? Wow.

Where I’m From, I Say C*nt Every Fourth Word.

Alice In Wonderland themed tasks this week.

– Hera is Alice, and has to eat her way through a big chocolate cake to find a key. She looks perpetually on the cusp of vomiting. “Why are you so big?” she asks the cake after over 2 hours of eating it. 2 hours later she falls to her knees and moans. After 5 hours Big Brother gives her a hint; that she can use her face to destroy the cake. She dives in, and eventually finds the key. When she leaves the room the diary room has a tiny chair – SHE HAS GROWN, SEE? – and she is forced to cry by Big Brother. It’s actually really quite funny. Then Big Brother tells her to fan herself until she gets back into the main room and she’ll grow to full size. She doesn’t bother to listen and waits for Big Brother to tell her to stop fanning herself.

– Siavash has to keep appointments in a rabbit hutch where he has to eat ten carrots at each appointment. He has a clock that he has to keep winding as well to judge the time, and it’s going to stop him sleeping for more than an hour at a time.

– Sophie is the Mad Hatter, and has to be able to identify 25 different types of tea.

– Rodrigo has to run up a tree and grin as the Cheshire Cat whenever a song gets played into the house with the word Smile in the title.

– Bea, Freddie, David and Lisa are playing cards.

– Marcus is the King of Hearts, and Charlie is the Queen of Hearts.

Anyway, noms are announced, and, despite Marcus and Bea getting the most noms, everybody is nominated because Marcus and Siavash broke the rules. Bea is aghast that she got nommed, and then Rodrigo and David are angry that they’re up. Then Freddie goes insane (and slightly superb) and tells Lisa that he knows her gameplan. He throws her and David into the pot together and Lisa then calls Freddie a wanker and a knob. “You’re one I wouldn’t mix with on the outside,” she tells him. “Oh, you’re making me cum!” Freddie shouts at her whining. It’s a huge argument, actually, and everybody – bar Charlie and Rodrigo, who sit and look sad and lost, like children in the midst of a divorce – throws their oar in. David calls Marcus a “pathetic excuse for a man,” and Marcus calls him a “fat C*nt, nicking everyone’s food!” “Don’t get personal!” David yells, which is wonderful. Then David mis-hears Marcus saying “Punked”, thinks he said “Punched” and so goes mad, and Big Brother calls Marcus off, sending him to another room. Big Brother then clears the matter up, and David apologises to Marcus. “Yeah, sorry for calling you a c*nt,” Marcus says. “No worries,’ David replies. Glad that’s all over, then.

I’m just thinking about the millions of people who’ve had sexual fantasies about the girls in this house

Freddie is  a bit worried about how to act with Bea, and asks Marcus for advice. Outside, however, she is bitching about him – subtly, mind – to Siavash. Siavash thinks that Freddie shouldn’t have asked her if she fancied him (true), but still, it’s a bit mean to tell Siavash about it. Freddie talks to her while she’s in the bath, and she seems spiky and uncomfortable.

Rodrigo is still going on about the Queen. Bea randomly tells him that the Queen’s husband is dead, which is why she’s the Queen. Eh? That’s the first I’ve heard of it. Rodrigo is given a chance to write to the Queen, with the aid of BB and their magical chalk board. (It isn’t magical. I was just saying.) Rodrigo is very excited, and reads the letter aloud in the diary room. ‘In my heart, I feel British,’ he says. BB assures him that the letter will be sent that afternoon. Hira is very happy for him, and cries. Hira is one of the worst BB contestants for a while – think Rachel Rice territory. Why is she even there?

Om nom noms, today! And I can smell who may be up… Bea noms Lisa and David. Oh, I do hope Lisa is up. Halfwit, Marcus, Bea and Siavash also get votes from Charlie, David and Sophie. Freddie noms Lisa (hoorah!) and David (double hoorah!) Siavash decides not to nominate. He ‘chooses’ himself twice instead. He thinks that in doing so, he’ll be put up for nom. But instead, BB tells him there will be consequences for other HMs instead, and he panics. BB tells him to leave the diary room, and won’t let him nominate.

Sophie agreed to do Marcus’ washing in exchange for a can. He prompts her to do it. Then he says he wants to go home this week, and Sophie says he’s influencing the voting. Well, maybe. Then she goes to do his washing and claims that there’s yellow stains and pubes on his top. Well, look, it’s not like there were yellow stains and pubes on his pants, is it? Marcus noms her for not doing his washing, anyway. He also noms David. Marcus, for some unknown reason, decided to remove a mirror from the bathroom wall. ‘I think you’re going to get into trouble,’ says Bea. Marcus gets sent to jail. Freddie goes to talk to him in jail. ‘I’m just thinking about the millions of people who have had sexual fantasies about the girls in this house,’ he says. Well, Freddie, there’d have to be at least a million people watching BB for that to ever happen.

So anyway, it turns out that because of Siavash and Marcus’s rule breaking, everyone in the house is up for eviction instead. OOOOH. I wonder who’ll go? Bea? Marcus? Lisa? (Please be Lisa.) I hate everything about Lisa, whereas I don’t fully hate everything about either Bea or Marcus. Talking of Bea, Charlie and Rodrigo hide behind the kitchen door while she’s in there, and when she comes out they leap and she screams and it’s supposed to be VERY FUNNY. This is because Charlie thinks his whole schtick  is being entertaining. Actually, he’s just a c u next Tuesday. And he’s kissing Rodrigo in bed! I have soiled myself with hatred. (Is that even possible? Well, it’s happened, anyway.)

Oh! The Solar Plexus Massage!

One of the joys of Big Brother – and they’re few and far between, these days, so we relish them where we can – is seeing people who lie dig graves then claim that they don’t lie. Bea and David are in the kitchen and David is surly with Bea. “Why don’t we talk any more?” Bea asks, and David tells her that he’s angry with her because she accused him of stealing bread and butter. WHICH SHE DID. “I never accused you of anything!” she shouts, but she did, and then gets upset and calls him a bully. “I never accused you of anything!” she repeats over and over, even though she did, and David starts to get upset. David is a lunk, and deals with this in some stupid manner, but Bea is a liar and is being increasingly manipulative. The argument gets dragged into the open in front of the rest of the house, and Bea shouts about what a bully David is, calls him dishonest, and makes out that this is a wider issue than it is. Freddie throws his oar in – after spending time in the bedroom rubbing his chest, acting like he’s high and getting some weird sexual dervish on – and defends Bea. (Freddie is usually very observant, and it’s disappointing that he mis-read Bea. Cock > Brain, eh?) Lisa can smell a fellow manipulator. “She’s going to play this as a martyr,” she says, and try to get David nommed. Bea, on the other hand, goes into the bedroom and cuddles up to new House God Marcus. “Oh Marcus, I hate it,” she says, and then together they bitch about Lisa and David. How the tide turns, eh? In the garden, David cries, and I don’t believe for a second that the tears aren’t real. Bad Bea!

The argument continues with Bea pushing this further and further, accusing David of lying about being upset, and saying that he was shouting, which he wasn’t. “Did he really shout?” asks Marcus, and Bea says that he did, when he didn’t. Rodrigo comes into the bedroom and Bea brings the argument up again for his sake. It’s almost tiresomely obvious what she’s trying to do. Marcus then goes and has a go at David about other stuff, and then Bea throws herself in again in front of everybody. She might have played this absolutely wrong, because Sophie and Rodrigo could nom her for causing aggro alongside Lisa and David. But, you know, when nobody else is around, David tells Bea that he doesn’t want to argue, and then Bea reports to others that she instigated their ‘reconciliation’ entirely. Oh, Bea Bea Bea.

Today’s task is some shit where people get dressed up like gnomes or caterpillars, and then the caterpillars get wrapped up in cling film, set to lie down on the ground, and then told to stand up. It looks like what it is: a bunch of twats wrapped in plastic, wriggling around. Afterwards, Lisa, David and Sophie sit around and bitch about Marcus. “I can’t stand to sit next to him!” says Sophie, which is in slight contrast to last week’s protest against his eviction, but there we go. Bea then goes to the diary room and bitches about David. “He’s a bland Yorkshire pudding, and Lisa’s the gravy. They’re still Yorkshire pudding and gravy, which isn’t satisfying. At all.”

Anyway, best part of the episode: Marcus’ sex story. Here it is, I’ll let you judge it. “Once I used a fortune cookie to get sex. This girl had one that said ‘Bluebells are your lucky flower’ and I had one that said ‘Saturday is your lucky night’ and I knew this field where there were bluebells, so I took her there, pointed out that it was saturday and that there were bluebells. Then I took her home and had sex with her.” BEST. (FAKE) SEX. STORY. EVER.

The housemates then have some nice dinner and Charlie winds Rodrigo up about fancying David. “You’d sit on his knee for a can of cider,” he says. Who would fancy David? I mean, really. Rodrigo then bleats on about meeting the Queen – which is HILARIOUS as he’s already met David, right? HA HA HA HA! – and then laughs like a fucking scarecrow as David guzzles cocks sweets. Bea sits in the garden and talks about how well known she is. “I’m well known at festivals, at gigs, on my street, in Ibiza. I’m actually quite a big deal!” she says. And then, Oh! CRINGE! Freddie declares his love for Bea as they lie in bed. “I thought we fancied each other,” he says. “I thought we were friends,” she replies, and then turns away from him and ignores him. “Do you fancy me?” he asks. “No,” she says. He grins that grin the whole time. “That’s a shame,” he says. She turns the situation against him. “I don’t operate on that sort of level, and I haven’t been asked that since I was fourteen.” She turns away and shuns him.

Ouch. Ouch all round, really, where Bea is involved, right?

What do monks do to get rid of sexual frustration? They sing

It comes to something when Marcus is giving relationship advice, but he is, to Bea, who feels that she doesn’t want to chat exclusively to Freddie. (I wonder if this is code for: I want to be with Siavash. Maybe.) Also, the argument yesterday, where Charlie was a prick and Rodrgio was for once accurate in his understanding of the situation (that Charlie wanted to be the ‘nice one’, even where it was actually ignorant and offensive to do so), is still in the air. One thing it has done is shown how much David likes Rod. Do I like David? No, not really. He could have been fun, but nah. His conversations (which are along the lines of ‘I love to ‘aggle’) are pretty boring.

Freddie is suspicious, because Siavash is smoking when not drunk. Is it because he wants to be with Bea, you can see Freddie wondering. So he goes outside to check. Bea hurriedly finishes her fag then says she’s going for a lie down. ‘A lot of people are doing that. Lying,’ says Lisa, and I honestly couldn’t tell you if she’s trying to be cutting or not.

As the HMs are clearly bored and tired, BB gives them a task – to compete to become the most entertaining housemate. Freddie seems to be concocting some kind of kitchen magic trick, and Lisa is singing awfully. ‘All I can think of to do on stage,’ Bea tells BB, ‘is etiquette lessons.’ She thinks Lisa would benefit. ‘She’s sort of started flirting with me,’ says Bea. Has she? Have I missed something?

The competition begins. Charlie is an awful clown – how art reflects reality – and does a piss-poor stage act. (He would be a great kids’ entertainer, though. Something to aspire to, eh?) He sets a fire extinguisher off and Freddie can’t breathe, and has to go outside. Oh dear. He goes to the diary room. ‘If he has breathing problems, he shouldn’t smoke,’ Bea tells Siavash. Freddie tells the diary roon he is singing to relieve his secual frustration, like a monk.

Dogface’s turn. She does an awful rap, not really that funny, but because she is laughing so much it’s inoffensive. Freddie sings (of course). It’s relatively shit, but he’s enjoying himself, eh? Now Hira. Oh god. What is she going to do? Oh Christ. She sings and dances in some kind of devil outfit. You thought Freddie was bad – this is dreadful. Entertaining? My piss is more fun. Everyone laughs, but I’m pretty certain it’s at her, in a mean way. It interests me that we are not allowed to see Rod, Marcus, David, Siavash or Lisa’s attempts. Anyway, a judgemental HM is called. ‘I think Marcus should go,’ says Siavash. But David goes instead. He votes for Hira to win, and says the least was Sophie. That is rather unfair, I think, but oh well. Who really cares? As a prize, Hira is given a sash. Good for her.

Say what you might about Marcus, but he sees the game for what it is. ‘Lisa’s beginnging to mobilise again,’ he says, and adds that he’s tired of Siavash’s calls for sympathy. Freddie also says that David has been thieving food and rizlas. ‘He’s a food bandit!’ Marcus declares. ‘And he never washes up.’

As Sophie was deemed ‘unentertaining’ by head of light entertainment David, she is given a mean rosette. Do you know what? I like Sophie. I really do. It saddens me that she has been so quiet of late. I think the tides are turning on David, though. Bea never liked him anyway, but Freddie and Marcus invite her to discuss her dislike of him with them. ‘His conversations end up being about Yorkshire puddings,’ she moans. Anyway, David walks in just as they were speaking, and it’s all  bit tense, as David heads straight for the cupboards looking for food. David goes for a fag with Lisa, and is angry. ‘That butter was communial!’ he shouts, because clearly butter is part of a holy sacriment.’I’ve noticed a change in David,’ says Charlie to Marcus, searching for some gossip to keep him alive. ‘He’s bossy,’ says Marcus. I do hope David and Lisa are up this week. That’d be nice, right?

But Siavash has decided he won’t nominate this week. I can’t quite fathom why – he says the public should choose – but by doing this he will put himself up, which is utterly pointless. Such is BB.