I Broke It When I Was Eating.

I hate writing about BB on a saturday, as the update still shows the departed contestant doing thing. I mean, it’s not so bad today, because Hera barely does anything anyway, but the rest of them are just moaning fucking minnies at the moment. Bea moans, Marcus moans, everybody discusses gameplans – and they act like they don’t have gameplans of their own, which is so annoying – and I’m just meh. Here at BB Towers, it actually came up yesterday – in the ether, in the form of a text message – that the best, funniest and most challenging thing that Big Brother could do this year would be to cancel the show mis-series. Who’d miss it? I’ll bet you would miss us here more, frankly. At least we’re occasionally amusing, unlike most of this bunch of twunts.

Oh no! Wait! Rodrigo has said something funny (albeit unintentionally): “He completely wet my bed, and tried to take me by using the force.” He’s talking about Charlie’s actions of the night previous.15 minutes through, now, and I’ve had to watch 4 of those Lucozade adverts. I hate them. I think they’re worse than any of the O2 ads we’ve had in previous years. They’re hateful, dreadfully written, utterly charmless. They’re putting me off Lucozade, and I LOVE the stuff. Liquid amber, it is. Was. They’re not as bad as those adverts before Channel 4 comedy – I’ve spoken about those before. Can you believe that that guy is a real stand-up? He must be hating his life right now, staring at his bank balance, but watching it dwindle as a nation exposed to his ‘comedy’ realise how unfunny it is. Unless he didn’t write those ads, in which case he’s just a bit of a shill. I don’t know. Hang on, Bea is justifying her existence in the house. Apparently, she should stay because she hasn’t been in the house long.

Also, Siavash predicts that Hera will leave in the eviction, and Freddie argues that Lisa will go. Siavash got it right, which is interesting, right? Next we see David and his 32inch waist in the bath. Brilliant. This is fucking thrilling. My elbow hurts, and I’m really slumped down on the sofa, and the laptop is now starting to burn my legs. I remember reading something a few years ago about laptop heat cutting down on sperm counts. I suspect that was a lie, like the one about menthol cigarettes. I wonder if any of the housemates are sterile? That would be an interesting revelation, right? Maybe. Rodrigo might be. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that he had female genitalia. He still looks just like Sharleen Spiteri, and I’m not going to let that one lie. He and Charlie argue in the kitchen about who is more aggressive, and the most interesting thing about the entire conversation is the revelation that their cheese grater is the exact same one that lives in my kitchen cupboards. It’s really sharp – I cut the tip of my finger quite badly on it once – and I wonder how easily it would slash through the thin skin that covers the arteries in the wrist.

Then, it’s nearly all redeemed. At the smoking area, Freddie and Lisa start making drum noises and whines, and then make a big song together. It’s a rare moment of absolute harmony, and they have loads of fun. David tries to sing along and can’t, so leaves, and then they finish their song and grin at each other. It’s quite nice, really. Lisa leans back, lights her cigarette, takes a puff, and then, with nary a hint of irony, says, “Ahh, fresh air.” Then we cut to a Lucozade promo and all goodwill is lost, and then we come back and watch Hera get evicted. “That is bullcrap!” Marcus shouts, and Siavash asks if everyone is as surprised as he is, when we know that he isn’t surprised at all.

Some other things: Marcus snaps a bowl with his hands as he’s eating cereal. Freddie forces his body as close to Bea’s as physically possible whilst they sleep. Rodrigo and Charlie whisper something before they go to bed, and then pull the covers over their heads and either have a kiss or make kissing noises. Either way, they clearly want to be bumming. AND THAT’S THE END OF THE SHOW FOR THE DAY.

I’ve Never Even Seen A Willy!

(Tonight’s post will be written by an excitable 16 year-old girl.)

Marcus had a dream, right, OMG, I can imagine! And he was wrestling some old man from the WWE and then a “nice bird” was there and she threw him on the floor, and then OH NO BIG BROTHER! Why would you interrupt that dream-story? It was SO FUNNY! Anyway, it was interrupted so that housemates could get some small tupperware boxes of cereal from the cupboards, and Bea is ANGRY because Lisa wouldn’t give her Frosties when she gave her SO much tobacco the day before, so Lisa shouldn’t be shocked if Bea wants some of that tobacco back today. Then Lisa is all, “COME AND GET THE FROSTIES!” shouting all like that, and Bea says, “Don’t you dare shout at me!” which is absolutely right, because that LEZZER shouldn’t shout. Nobody likes her, not even David, he’s just obsessed with some other lesbian designer, so what does he know? NOTHING, apart from being from the North and being gay and being fat. (He said that he’s a 32inch waist. NO WAY is he that, NO WAY NO WAY.) Then Bea who is SO two-faced goes into the garden and makes peace with Lisa when nobody else is watching because she is that two-faced.

Rodrigo – OH MY GOD HE IS SOOOOO CUTE like a little kitten but with a cock though I bet he doesn’t have any hair, you know, on his pubes – then gets angry about not having chocolate mix when the house is making the shopping list. He is SUCH a primadonna! Hera – she is SO pretty OMG – sings a song in the garden and she can’t sing, not really, but she is SO pretty it doesn’t matter, then that big gay David starts singing and he ruins it. If he did that to me I would slap him and be all, Get off you big poof!

I don’t like Siavash’s beard, you know? I reckon if you kissed him it would really itch, and I get it smells a bit. Most beards do, right? They smell, like cigarettes and pork pies and that stuff that old men in pubs drink? Ale, is it? UGH. Anyway, they think Hera is playing at being nice which she might be but it doesn’t matter because she is SO PRETTY. Know who isn’t pretty? Lisa. Actually, she sort of is, I think, if she grew her hair and had some makeup done, I could do it for her, she could be quite pretty. She says she’s slept with 60 women, and I reckon she could get more if I did her makeup. She’s prettier than Sophie, because she’s a skank. She is SO fat! SO FAT! I’ll bet she’s pregnant, probably got it from Kris’ fingers up her, I reckon. She’s such a WHORE! (I wish my boobs were big like hers though, even with her really big nips.) She starts a tickle-fight in the bedroom which looks SO MUCH FUN I wish I was there! Once, me and my friends had a tickle fight and it got so bad I wee’d myself a bit in my pants, but nobody noticed. I’ll bet if I did that on Big Brother the cameras would zoom in and focus on the wee patch or something, UGH PERVERTS! Some of the tickle-bitches throw Freddie and Sophie in the pool then they go inside and get Rodrigo from his bed and try to drag him outside to throw him in, but he gets SO angry, like a Pug with a temper, then storms off when Charlie tries to wrestle him, then Rodrigo starts to steal Charlie’s bed and Charlie gets angry, and he’s all “Get off my fucking bed!” and then Big Brother calls Rodrigo away. Charlie is SO FIT though so I don’t care, and when he’s angry he’s even sexier, you know? Rodrigo gets all upset in case the Queen sees his letter and doesn’t want to be his friend now but OMG I STILL WILL HONEST!

Sophie and Freddie and Siavash and Bea get in the shower and then Sophie keeps trying to pull Freddie’s pants down and then we can see the top of his willy for like A SECOND and I have to have a sit down and calm myself down for a second. Sophie wears a bra in the shower! IDIOT! She doesn’t even take it off because they are SO BIG they would hit her in the eyes or something. Once I tried to lick my boob for my boyfriend Dave but I couldn’t, so he said that he wanted me to get implants so that I could, but I couldn’t afford them, and my mum wouldn’t even sign the permission letter. BITCH.

Anyway, OMG HERA IS VOTED OUT! Or, not voted in! Nobody cared enough to save her HA HA HA BUT she is SO SO SO pretty, right? Wow.

Oh! The Solar Plexus Massage!

One of the joys of Big Brother – and they’re few and far between, these days, so we relish them where we can – is seeing people who lie dig graves then claim that they don’t lie. Bea and David are in the kitchen and David is surly with Bea. “Why don’t we talk any more?” Bea asks, and David tells her that he’s angry with her because she accused him of stealing bread and butter. WHICH SHE DID. “I never accused you of anything!” she shouts, but she did, and then gets upset and calls him a bully. “I never accused you of anything!” she repeats over and over, even though she did, and David starts to get upset. David is a lunk, and deals with this in some stupid manner, but Bea is a liar and is being increasingly manipulative. The argument gets dragged into the open in front of the rest of the house, and Bea shouts about what a bully David is, calls him dishonest, and makes out that this is a wider issue than it is. Freddie throws his oar in – after spending time in the bedroom rubbing his chest, acting like he’s high and getting some weird sexual dervish on – and defends Bea. (Freddie is usually very observant, and it’s disappointing that he mis-read Bea. Cock > Brain, eh?) Lisa can smell a fellow manipulator. “She’s going to play this as a martyr,” she says, and try to get David nommed. Bea, on the other hand, goes into the bedroom and cuddles up to new House God Marcus. “Oh Marcus, I hate it,” she says, and then together they bitch about Lisa and David. How the tide turns, eh? In the garden, David cries, and I don’t believe for a second that the tears aren’t real. Bad Bea!

The argument continues with Bea pushing this further and further, accusing David of lying about being upset, and saying that he was shouting, which he wasn’t. “Did he really shout?” asks Marcus, and Bea says that he did, when he didn’t. Rodrigo comes into the bedroom and Bea brings the argument up again for his sake. It’s almost tiresomely obvious what she’s trying to do. Marcus then goes and has a go at David about other stuff, and then Bea throws herself in again in front of everybody. She might have played this absolutely wrong, because Sophie and Rodrigo could nom her for causing aggro alongside Lisa and David. But, you know, when nobody else is around, David tells Bea that he doesn’t want to argue, and then Bea reports to others that she instigated their ‘reconciliation’ entirely. Oh, Bea Bea Bea.

Today’s task is some shit where people get dressed up like gnomes or caterpillars, and then the caterpillars get wrapped up in cling film, set to lie down on the ground, and then told to stand up. It looks like what it is: a bunch of twats wrapped in plastic, wriggling around. Afterwards, Lisa, David and Sophie sit around and bitch about Marcus. “I can’t stand to sit next to him!” says Sophie, which is in slight contrast to last week’s protest against his eviction, but there we go. Bea then goes to the diary room and bitches about David. “He’s a bland Yorkshire pudding, and Lisa’s the gravy. They’re still Yorkshire pudding and gravy, which isn’t satisfying. At all.”

Anyway, best part of the episode: Marcus’ sex story. Here it is, I’ll let you judge it. “Once I used a fortune cookie to get sex. This girl had one that said ‘Bluebells are your lucky flower’ and I had one that said ‘Saturday is your lucky night’ and I knew this field where there were bluebells, so I took her there, pointed out that it was saturday and that there were bluebells. Then I took her home and had sex with her.” BEST. (FAKE) SEX. STORY. EVER.

The housemates then have some nice dinner and Charlie winds Rodrigo up about fancying David. “You’d sit on his knee for a can of cider,” he says. Who would fancy David? I mean, really. Rodrigo then bleats on about meeting the Queen – which is HILARIOUS as he’s already met David, right? HA HA HA HA! – and then laughs like a fucking scarecrow as David guzzles cocks sweets. Bea sits in the garden and talks about how well known she is. “I’m well known at festivals, at gigs, on my street, in Ibiza. I’m actually quite a big deal!” she says. And then, Oh! CRINGE! Freddie declares his love for Bea as they lie in bed. “I thought we fancied each other,” he says. “I thought we were friends,” she replies, and then turns away from him and ignores him. “Do you fancy me?” he asks. “No,” she says. He grins that grin the whole time. “That’s a shame,” he says. She turns the situation against him. “I don’t operate on that sort of level, and I haven’t been asked that since I was fourteen.” She turns away and shuns him.

Ouch. Ouch all round, really, where Bea is involved, right?