Isaac Stout, Man Of The People.

Jesus Christ, are we not past this stuff yet? Marcus Voice-over Man tells us that Noirin is in the bedroom, and I stop listening almost wholly. Some things happen – Siavash mopes, people ask about the earrings that he gave to Noirin as a gift. Isaac overhears and offers to give Siavash his hat in exchange. They’re not talking about the earrings, not really, and Siavash gets that; this is like a trade, a hat for a woman, and Siavash wants no part of it. “I want the earrings!” Bea then says, taking them from Noirin’s bedside table and spotting a tube of lube.

In the bathroom, Sophie has a bath with Rodrigo and does some farts underwater. Brilliant.

Bea then tells Noirin that she thinks the situation with Siavash was dealt with badly, which it was. This turns into a whole barny, and ends with Isaac brandishing a pair of scissors as Noirin calls Bea a bitch. Bea – unsurprisingly – takes this to heart, and starts digging, talking about how “hot” Isaac is, and then winding her up, staring at Noirin and smiling insipidly. In the bathroom, Isaac does some ludicrous dance in front of the mirror, and in the garden, Bea makes a t-shirt with a big M on it. “For Team Marcus,” she says. On Friday’s eviction show, Judy James spoke about how this thing with Noirin is making Marcus into House God, and she’s right. Psychologically it’s fascinating, really. Honestly.

Siavash then has a conversation with Isaac where he proves that he is not only the bigger man, but the biggest person in the house. He’s dealing with this situation exceptionally well, and might – MIGHT – have redeemed himself in my eyes. Then Noirin is evicted, doesn’t say goodbye to anyone, and Isaac tells Charlie that he hopes he wins, because he has the best reason. Isaac also decides that he’s leaving the house. “I’m going to get a steak and get fucked up,” he says, which makes him this season’s 4th walk-off. Brilliant. 8 weeks, 4 walks: Big Brother, you MUST be doing something right!

He Seems Like a Right Noddy

The cries for ‘Noirin Out!’ are almost drowning Davina’s voice – and she has a mic. Oh dear. So, yesterday’s highlights include: Noirin mopping, Siavash moping, and Isaac playing with some toilet roll. This all sounds about right. (is his name Isaac, or did I make that up? I neither know nor care.) Noirin tells Isaac that other people are ‘dramatising’ the situation and making things worse than they are for Siavash. Whatever, love. We all stopped listening to you weeks ago.  You do know, don’t you, that both Isaac and Noirin have been on reality shows before? I am so, so tired of BB doing this – getting semi-famous/known housemates in (think models, wannabe actors, people who may have released one single or had a famous boyfriend, etc). The great irony is that when Celeb BB starts, I rarely know who any of the contestants are – and they are supposed to be famous – therefore both strains of BB amount the the same thing (apart from he Ulrika moment – she must be one of the bigger household names who ever dared darken Celeb BB with her ghastly shadow).

When the cameras come back to Davina, her link for Marcus to be evicted is met with barely a whimper, whilst Noirin’s name is still booed incessantly. Interesting. Back in the house, Noirin wants to talk to Siavash. David runs out of the kitchen so he doesn’t have to bear witness to it. I have some level of empathy for the other HMs this week. The atmosphere there must be awful. ‘I think you’re a good guy.’ ‘I think you’re gorgeous, but this is three times now, Noirin.’ Poor Siavash. Not least because, as we keep stating, he has now lost his chances of winning, which previously I’d though were quite high. Anyway, she witters on about how actually, this is all Isaac’s fault, as she is still ‘head over heels with him.’ He tells her she should leave. ‘You’re not doing yourself any favours.’ She starts being idiotic, despite the fact he is actually telling her something accurate, that she should listen to. She is going to be absolutely hated tonight, when she gets out. (Let’s be honest, it’s not even going to be a close call. She’s a goner.) He tells her he feels he was part of her ‘storyline’. Freddie then walks in, and, thankfully, the conversation is over.

Marcus and Siavash are now each other’s bitter buddy. It’s an odd friendship, but I like it. Charlie, however, is an utter fucking idiot, and I hate him. I think he just said ‘This hasn’t made Noirin look that bad though,’ which is the most aggravatingly stupid thing I’ve heard in a long while. Also, he can’t add up when he’s doing the shopping list, and BB has to help him. Noirin is moaning to Noirin about how she doesn’t want to hurt Siavash’s feelings and she should go home. ‘Did I screw him over?’ ‘No,’ says Isaac. ‘So why do I feel guilty?’ ‘Because he’s making you feel guilty,’ he says. Hateful pair.

David is trying to be friendly to Isaac, going on about how much he loves America, and Isaac takes the piss, thinking that David hasn’t noticed. I think he (probably) has, but he’s too excited to care. He’s an idiot too, but in many ways he’s an old-fashioned BB contestant: he wants to be there, and he wants to have fun. Sophie’s quiet today, though, isn’t she? I suppose she only has Rod and Charlie left as her friends. I don’t think she trusts Noirin anymore. Also, what the hell is Hira actually doing in there?

So we all know that Isaac is a tit, but the worst thing is that he actually thinks Noirin might stay tonight. What rot. Bea, on the other hand, doesn’t want to be friends with Noirin, because she borrowed her top and made it smell, and doesn’t like Isaac because it’s like ‘he’s just walked out of Amercian Pie. He is a frat boy… A big lump of Amercianised arrogance.’ Oh, and she thinks Noirin is despicable. Good. I do quite like Bea’s ‘Queen Bee’ put-downs.

Now some of the HMs are going to the diary room in towels to plea for Marcus to stay. They pretend to Noirin it’s just a trick, rather than tell her. ‘Isn’t it too mean?’ asks Hira, stupidly. Even Sophie wants Marcus to stay now. This is how much Noirin is hated. So Freddie, Sophie, Bea and Siavash go and plea. It’s quite sweet, really. Charlie, of course, sits on the fence. I hope he rots on that fence. ‘Leave it up to the public,’ says Hira, having no conception that Noirin must be a horror to live with. Charlie, of course, goes straight to Noirin and tells her about the plea. ‘Didn’t you know?’ he asks, but we’re all aware that he knew she didn’t. Fucking Charlie. See what I mean? Later, Noirin says, on the back of what Charlie has told her, ‘If I stay this week I’m running fucking amok.’ Oh, just do one.

Can we just stop, for a minute? Lisa has just explained how if it wasn’t for her eyebrows, she would be a supermodel. Can we just let it sink in? Thanks. In all seriousness, I am worried that the focus on Noirin has dampened the hatred that should be going to Lisa and Charlie. Let’s keep it alive here on Big Bother.

Isaac then tells Lisa and Charlie, is retarded coded terms, that everyone in the house is an arsehole. Interestingly, he has told the right people that, but a) hasn’t included himself, and b) meant everyone else.

So, Noirin is evicted, and pretty much all the crowd boos. She tells Davina that she expected to be booed, and also that Isaac will leave. I do hope so. Judi James tells her that she has made Marcus a ‘house God.’

The Show Has Turned Into Isaac and Noirin, Newlyweds.

HELLO!

Weeks – months, it feels like, or years, maybe, aeons, I don’t know – I did a report on each of the housemates. I’m going to revisit it and see how far they’ve come today, as there is NOTHING worth writing about in this episode apart from the Isaac shit, and we’ll get to that later.

Sophie: Back then Big Brother called her Dogface. Remember that? That was an idea that semi-stuck, eh, and wasn’t nearly as amusing as it should have been. She offered Marcus and Siavash a touch of her tits, and that was it, apparently. There’s not much else to say now: she hasn’t changed, apart from now having a pretty good shot at winning this thing.

Halfwit: Well, I described him as “an absolute gorming prick.” He isn’t, clearly, and I was judging him very harshly. He’s harmless, clearly, but utterly swayed by the people around him. Back then he claimed to be a “sexual maverick,” which might actually be true, given the seduction techniques that we’ve seen with him and Bea – and, by techniques, I mean those things he does that are wholly sleazy and inappropriate and have driven her to be disgusted by him even though she knows that he’s a meal ticket. I called him “my most hated housemate in a long while,” which is fascinating, because now I quite like him.

Siavash: Jesus, I got it wrong, eh? I didn’t much like Siavash either, as I thought he was trying too hard to be cool. I then went through a phase of liking him, but now I’m not so keen. This Noirin thing has destroyed him, made him weak and sad and pathetic. Back then he whimpered whilst sitting on the loo, and now he does exactly the same. The eight weeks in between where he was actually really cool? Nearly forgotten, sadly.

Rodrigo: Back then, all I could write about him was something about his goal in life being to meet the Queen. Now, I couldn’t write any more if I tried. OH ALRIGHT YES I COULD. He’s so fucking dull! I mean, really! I’m worried that he’ll win, I really am, but I can’t even say that he’s a really nice guy because he’s actually a whining, moaning little 70 year old woman thrown into the body of a teenaged Brazilian. (If a film ever gets made of that I want a cut of the profits.)

Marcus: Again, another one I got semi-wrong. “He’s still fun, but boy is he weird.” Well, he is weird, yeah, but fun? I couldn’t argue that any more. Had I written that he was mental, yeah, maybe that would have worked. He’s mental and weird and unpleasant. Back then, I thought I might have liked to be chums with him or something, but clearly that wouldn’t work as he would terrify me when we were drunk. He’d sit in the corner and stare and grin at the women and any men having interactions with them, and then he’d throw a glass or something and we’d all have to hold him back to stop him stabbing a bouncer with a bottle end, or maybe even just his fingers.

Charlie: “Nice, gay, northern… will almost definitely win.” TRUE AND TRUE, people, apart from that little blip where he was Lisa’s bezzie buddy and Kris fuckalong. He seems like a nice enough chap, he likes men, he’s from the north and he’s got a good chance of taking the prize. (And, by prize, I mean, of course, Freddie’s anus.)

Lisa: Oh shit did I get this wrong. “She’s actually quite a nice person,” I wrote. WOW. I mean, she took a while to show her true colours, but she is not a nice person. She’s a witch, but the sort of witch that you’d see in a ‘modern’ production of Macbeth. You know the sort; it’s set on a council estate in post-apocalyptic Swaziland or something, and all the men wear neon and the witches have shaven heads and reappropriated-swastika tattoos. She’s pure evil, but has learnt how to stay quiet again, which gives her the impression of niceness again. She’s a trickster, that one.

Noirin: Back then, I forgot that Noirin existed. Now, I couldn’t if I tried. She’s a cunt, really, an awful person, using men for her own whims, and I shan’t write about her any more.

Bea: Seems nice, is also a witch. We’ve got our three witches: now to built that Swaziland set.

David: Gormless.

Isaac: Yeah, Isaac. See, today’s ‘gift’ to the housemate is Isaac, Noirin’s ex-boyfriend. He turns up in a bike helmet doing a dreadful Scottish accent and delivering fish and chips, and then introduces himself. He seems – for a minute – likeable etc, and then corners Noirin in the bedroom and makes her apologise for something – presumably kissing somebody else when she was single, which is awful, obviously – and then makes her call him daddy. Seriously. It makes Siavash cry and mope and whine, and makes Bea pounce on him, and makes Freddie laugh nervously. He talks to Bea after Bea judges Noirin for moving on so quickly and a) gets Noirin to stay silent and b) makes Bea apologise for the errors of her ways. He weilds some sort of unholy control – Bea’s really quite powerful in the house, but this guy has come in waving his penis alpha-male status and just taken the place over. He’s awful and hateful, but I suspect won’t be here for long – I suspect that he’ll walk when Noirin is kicked out on friday, which she will be. So.