A Brief Post About Some Dreadful People.

“She needs to lose some weight. That cellulite fucking bothers me.” – Kenneth, on Sophie.

“Her bangers are too big.” – Tom, on Sophie.

“Imagine going out on a date with her. It’d be so fucking dull, like ‘Uh, uh, uh,’ like that.” – Tom, on Sophie.

“I was going to be nice, play it that way, but fuck it.” – Tom.

“I saw Karly staring at me flashing my money, so I kept doing it, and I got her.” – Kenneth.

“If (a Brazilian model) was in here throwing herself at me, then sure, I’d have a go. If I had to work for it, I would stick with Karly.” – Kenneth.

“I’d easily do her, but she’s not something that would last. She’s an egg. I’d bin her so fast.” – Kenneth, on Sophie.

“Her taking my cock isn’t something that’ll get her bank account as well.” – Kenneth, on Sophie.

“These people, who do they think they are? They’re awful!” – Bea, on Kenneth and Tom.

(Bonus quote! “She has to realise how sexy she is, and the responsibility that comes with that!” – Marcus, on Noirin.)

She Doesn’t Like You, You Know.

I want to think that Marcus is sweet and kind and thoughtful. He isn’t. He is, instead, really fucking creepy. He stares at Noirin as she scrubs pans, and tells her that he could take her “to heaven and back.” Then, the date that Marcus ordered with Big Brother takes place. Big Brother gives them oysters and strawberries and then plays ‘To Be With You’ by Mr Big, which Marcus and Noirin then dance to. Marcus asks for a “proper kiss,” but Noirin tells him that she can’t give proper kisses. I can absolutely see this ending in some weird drunken kiss/fumble/struggle that goes too far, really I can. And Big Brother will be complicit in that; they’re doing everything that they can to up Marcus’ creepy factor. Noirin’s just as bad, really: she could just tell him to fuck off, say that she isn’t attracted to him, and tell him to leave her alone. But she won’t, because she loves the attention. It’s just really embarrassing for all the parties involved now, and I do not like it. In other romantic news, Sophie’s dog, Army, comes into the garden, nearly explodes with joy when it sees her, and then runs around. Oh, wait, did I say “dog”? I meant “furry goblin.”

The new housemates – Kenneth, Bea, David, Hira, Tom – then enter the house, and there’s much screaming, as loads of people recognise them from the auditions. (Charlie recognises Bea from LAST YEAR’S auditions, which means they auditioned twice for this show, and were turned down first time around. We’ve got last year’s cast-offs, people. Aren’t we lucky?) Kenneth and Karly do some kissing in the toilet. Kenneth keeps saying something about how long he’s waited for Karly, and then they have a really passionate kiss, and Kenneth grabs her bum. Really hard. Then he tells her that their “time is limited” because he knows she’s going, and she cries loads. “I thought you’d be there when I get out,” she says, and he tells her that he knows, but “I’m in here now.” Brilliant. He’s very caring. All the women fancy Tom, btw, because he’s built like a fucking tractor. He’s been put in for Noirin, right? Sophie will think he’s for her, but I suspect he’s for Noirin. Anyway, then it’s eviction time, and Karly is booted. AHHHHH.

Now, I need to discuss something very serious. Hira. She’s a pretty girl. She’s polite. She’s THE MOST ASTONISHINGLY DENSE PERSON I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED. Big Brother gives her the new housemates’ secret task – that the new housemates have to complete a secret mission, to get the randomly selected Freddie and Noirin up for eviction, and Hira tells Tom first. “Be subtle,” he says, “or you’ll give it away.” The other housemates all react in pretty much the same way, saying that they think getting Noirin nom’d will be easy, but getting Freddie nom’d will be impossible. Watching the housemates is amazing. Noirin stretches back and sticks her boobs forward for Tom’s benefit. Bea cuddles Freddie and they talk in exactly the same way. David is already slotting himself into Lisa’s little box of troops, taking Karly’s place. It’s quite fascinating. Kenneth walks around like he’s in charge, then heads to the diary room and, essentially, says that Karly wasted her Big Brother opportunity by “devolving” (his word) into a moaning, complaining, boring person. She’s going to love watching that bit, I’m sure. He also thinks that he can win. “I’m convinced.” He “pursued” 4 degrees at Edinburgh University, which is nice for him.

Marcus is threatened by Tom. “He’s been put in to knock head with me. I’m looking forward to taking him down. It’s going to be hilarious.” Marcus’ self-image is a real issue, I think. Some alcohol and snacks are wheeled out, and it goes to the housemates’ heads. Rodrigo tells Hira how similar they are, because they’re from different cultures. Bea and Freddie drink in the garden, talk about “lethal bubbles,” then Bea spills champers on Freddie’s coat. When it’s bed time, Freddie gives her a goodnight hug. I love a good romance!

Rich, Smug and Pointless

New housemates… But not what you were expecting, sadly. Or maybe you were. It’s not great, anyway.

Firstly, in goes Kenneth, Karly’s boyfriend. He is exactly what you’d expect: rich, smug, pointless. He gets roundly booed. Karly is excited to see him, at least. Next, we have Bea, a girl who had a regrettable orgy, and who wants a clothes shop in Ibiza. But I’m confused… She’s no one’s girlfriend. I thought that was the theme… Still. She gets half booed. Did Charlie just say he remembers her from last year? Noirin certainly recognises her from auditions. The third HM is David, a gay northener. He comes across as a bit of an idiot. I’m absolutely certain I recognise him from another TV show, but I just can’t think what… Next is Hira, married to someone she’s related to, and having only lived in Britain for a year. She cries her thanks to God in her audition. BLAH. She gets booed before she even gets out of the car. The last housemate is Tom, a muscly posh boy who imports yachts. OF COURSE. He also gets booed, but it’s less fervent than the others’ receptions.

And now, who is leaving? It’s Karly. HO HO HO.

And there’s also a twist (of course, except it’s relatively pointless, like Kenneth).  Hira drew two balled names from a box: Noirin and Freddie. These two names form part of her task – she, and the other new housemates must get them nominated for eviction this week. If they don’t, all 5 newbies are up for eviction. Noirin and Freddie? Oh, how hard that’ll be to orchestrate. Pah.

Rexercise

New housemates tonight! But first…

The HMs are being punished for protesting yesterday, and BB has stolen their furniture. Rod is angry, of course. ‘I never did nothing,’ says Lisa. Oh, do one. Anyway, then Marcus has to do his ex-HM challenge. He has the electro suit one, with Rex. Lisa hates Rex, and Marcus says he should punch him – sort of in jest. Rex does a shit job on purpose, and electrocutes everyone. Marcus pisses himself. Noirin cries with the pain. HAHA. Freddie then complains to the diary room that his electrodes aren’t working, but then they do. ‘She’s proper crying, Rex, you should do it properly,’ Marcus warns him. ‘I am trying. It’s hard. I don’t think I’ve ever been so shit about something. It’s not me.’ says Rex. Then they discuss how much they hate Lisa. Noirin is sobbing so much, she almost takes her suit off. Then Lisa and Freddie spat. But Marcus takes his turn, and does really well. He passes, but because everyone else did so badly over the week, they have failed overall anyway.

Charlie is getting a treat. He has asked for a McDonald’s. We are told that Sophie is having a treat of seeing her chiuaua tomorrow. In fact, they are all offered treats, in return for tokens. Noirin and Lisa, however, are punished for taking their suits off, and don’t get prizes. Except that Marcus wants a date with Noirin for his prize (THAT’S A TREAT FOR HER, RIGHT?) and Karly gives Lisa her fags. (Although Karly can’t get the matches to work, and BB won’t give her a lighter, and she cries.) Can’t they light one of the hob? Well, that’s what Marcus is doing, and he gets them to light and he’s a hero.

(Noirin is definitely leaving tonight. She is being booed to shit.)

The boys all dress up in women’s clothes, then Rodrigo and Charlie argue, water is thrown, so Rod pours oil all over Charlie’s bed and clothes. Rod is called to the diary room, and is chastised. Still, Rod admits he was wrong, and says, accurately, that he and Charlie are like two children who take things too far. Charlie is also told off. Their arguments are just weird. So, lines are closed, but WHO IS GOING IN?

The Housemates Have Been Revolting For 1 Hour 19 Minutes.

You fucking scutter. Karly, so desperate for a cigarette, trawls through the giant ashtray in the garden. What a fucking scutter. Then, to make matters worse, Nikki fucking Graham appears to challenge Karly to a dance-off. (Karly is bookies favourite to leave this week, btw. How did Noirin save herself? Maybe it’s her abilities to charm men.) The housemates can’t fail any more challenges this week, so Karly is really going to have to danZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, I fell asleep. This task is only really entertaining for a minute, and then you hate it. Marcus talks about how he fancies Nikki. He stares at her from behind the glass, intense and weird. (I absolutely expect to see a photofit of him in the next few years on Crimewatch.) Nikki talks about how her least favourite housemate is Marcus. I SENSE A BUDDY COP COMEDY!

In the diary room Siavash explains why he doesn’t fancy Nikki: “I like a bit more meat on my chicken.” What he means, of course, is that she looks like a little boy with a scrunched goblin’s face and bad hair extensions. Anyway, Karly wins the task!

Next task: Brian Bellendo comes in to do the word association task. He kisses all the girls in the house, and has CLEARLY been watching this. CLEARLY. “Hello again Brian!” says my favourite Big Brother, and he laughs. This is – no messing – the most entertaining two minutes this entire year. “Say words that mean boobs, Brian!” says Big Brother. “Things on their chest! Round things! Oogala Boogala!” He leaves the diary room, hugs Freddie, calls Marcus “Wolverine”, kisses Sophie again and says goodbye to Siavash. Charlie goes into the diary room. He has to say alternative words for “Ugly.” “Rotten, vile, minging, stinking, rotten, humming, minging, stinking, rotten, rotten dot-cotton.” He then goes off. “Rotten-face. Ugly-eye. Ugly-face. Horrible.” He’s not great at this. “I just use the one, Rotten.” No shit.

Now, THE PROTEST. (NOT a dirty protest, I hasten to add. Thank God.) Marcus climbs onto the roof, followed by Freddie, Noirin, Charlie and then Siavash. “Give us more alcohol!” shouts Freddie. Siavash gets up and then screams. “I’m scared of heights!” He’s about five foot of the ground. Big Brother shouts at them. I’m paraphrasing, but it’s “Get down or we’ll throw you out!” The housemates do, and then find other ways to protest. One way is by throwing a bath in the pool. Then they throw a cactus in the pool. “We want pizza!” shouts Freddie. Next up: a silent protest in the diary room, all housemates crammed in. They make it 8 minutes before Siavash suggests that they unplug all their microphones and cover the cameras with their clothes. Lisa stop the protest, removing the t-shirt and leaving the diary room. Karly follows her, Charlie stands in the doorway, torn, and then decides to stay. Finally, they all give up, leave the diary room and then go and spray window cleaner all over the 2-way mirrors.

The worst part about this whole protest thing? It wasn’t nearly as entertaining as it sounds. Not even fucking close.

I am, after everything, upset about Michael Jackson

As a teaser for the show tonight, we are assaulted by Michelle Bass, fake bad singing in smug mode. That’s not a teaser. That makes me want to switch off.

Anyway. Noirin is the first to have a past BB challenge. She’s doing a gymkhana course, against Federico. ‘He’s not that good-looking now,’ says Sophie. YOU’LL BE NEXT, LOVE. Fred tells Noirin that Michael Jackson has died. ‘I’m going to cry,’ says Noirin, but she doesn’t. Oh dear. Then he sort of flirts with her. Oh gad, not him too? No, he is far too full of himself (still) to fancy someone else. ‘Ah, the indignity,’ he shouts as he jumps over the course in a fluffy horse and rider outfit. Noirin does the course, anyway, and she does well. Then he flirts with her some more, fairly ineptly, and Noirin loves it a bit. Noirin wins her challenge, anyway. Anyway, all the other HMs (Marcus especially) think he was a wanker. Then Noirin goes to ask BB if she can tell everyone else if Michael Jackson has died. BB says yes. She tells them, and everyone is shocked and upset A WEEK TOO LATE. ‘He’s in his fifties now, he’s pushed himself too far,’ says Charlie. Right.

Anyway, Sophie is now doing the Pie Jesu singing task. ‘PIE JESU,’ she sings at random intervals in the diary room. Then Michelle Bass rolls in and the task begins. ‘When I did it, I did a Lauren Hill version,’ Michelle says, then does a horrendous line from it. She also has a really weird accent now. Then she sings, and it’s evil – what else can I say? It’s also really long. ‘Remember, pee-ay yasu, not Pie Jesus,’ Michelle advises. Sophie is bad, but it’s not as excruciating as Michelle’s version. Apparently, it’s for us to decide, and you can vote for your favourite online.

Siavash is doing the box challenge. You know – where they have to stay in the boxes for as long as possible. He is up against Craig and Makosi. ‘I didn’t like that Makosi,’ says Sophie. No one did, love. ‘He should spit and piss in those boxes,’ says Marcus. Now I see and hear Craig again, I remember who Alan Carr reminds me of. And Makosi is still a cunt. ‘I was born in a battle field. You don’t want to pick a fight with me,’ she says, apropos of nothing. ‘I can’t believe you know my name. That’s so cool,’ says Siavash. They get in their boxes. After nineteen minutes, Craig shouts, ‘When do we get a toilet break?’ The other HMs listen at the door. ‘I can see the two blonde girls. One of them hasn’t got very good extensions. It’s all wisps,’ says Craig. ‘You know Dogface’s boobs are really big? So are mine, but mine are real,’ says Makosi. Do they know the others are listening? Probably. ‘There are 12 more contestants in another house,’ says Makosi. ‘Are you serious?’ Siasvash asks. ‘Makosi, we can’t talk about it!’ cries Craig. Then they start talking, fairly inoffensively, about Sophie and Kris, and Makosi says Siavash is naive, Craig takes the piss and says three’s a crowd, and the HMs listening outside are beside themselves with paranoia. So Sophie and Karly go to the bedroom, and Sophie is in mega scared mode. She thinks that ‘three’s a crowd’ is to do with her, Kris and Charlie, of all the things to think. ‘It could be anyhing, anyhing, anyhing,’ Karly clarifies. Anyway, eventually Makosi gets out and leaves, but Craig and Siavash remain inside. But then Craig gets out too, as apparently it was too hot. So Siavash gets out, and is the winner. ‘I didn’t like you when I watched you, bu I’ve learnt a lesson,’ says Siavash. Hm. Perhaps not the best thing to say.

As soon as Siavash goes back into the main house, he is accosted by the others about what Makosi said. But he thinks the other house stuff was ‘bullshit’. Good on him. Then Lisa and Karly stir the shit a bit (Karly is Lisa’s creature now. She has no chance). Oh, and then Marcus and Noirin spat a bit, and talk about cuddles, and the fact he compliments her too much, and it’s all a bit sad. ‘I am, after everything, upset about Michael Jackson.’ Thanks, Marcus.

Since I Didn’t Stay In The Pack, I’m Being Hunted By The Pack.

I cannae be bathered talken aboot hae Saphie and Karlay caplain aboot Nareen, you nae? It’s in neebody’s interest.

*ahem*

Sorry, I came over all Karly, there. Anyway, my point stands: can’t be bothered writing about the complaining about Noirin, as it’s extreme and irritating. Lisa sits in the diary room and moans about her and her “He-Men” Marcus. “If I argue I’ll get kicked out,” she says. It’s interesting, I wonder how much she’s even aware of how game-planny she is?

The housemates are told that they will be taking part in a ‘Best Of” Big Brother’s challenges from throughout the years, and they have to assign themselves a year each to do the challenge – 9 years, 9 Housemates. Easy. Rodrigo wants the 2008 challenge, as that was the only one that he watched, so he sulks when he doesn’t get it. “I’ll have 2003 then!” he shouts, but Charlie ignores him as well. When the list is done everybody is happy apart from Rodrigo, who confronts Charlie, another fucking domestic argument that nobody cares about.

Freddie describes his task – the assault course from BB1 – and the housemates discuss which housemate they think he’ll be competing against. “I hope it’s that Craig!” Charlie says, doing a pelvic thrust. SADFACE! Craig – yes, it IS him – comes into the house then, and greets Freddie. Sorry, Halfwit. Craig reveals a secret: he and Freddie have been nominated the most. (People hated Craig, then stopped nominating him, and then he won. HMMMM.) Craig is a presenter now, and it shows. He chats and natters and waves at the other housemates, then semi-interviews Freddie. “What’s your best moment in the house?” he asks, and then has a little pep talk with Freddie about the public being able to keep him in. Freddie’s predictions of who could win are confused: Marcus or Charlie. Charlie could. Marcus? Not a fucking chance. Nevermind, Freddie. Good effort.

Speaking of efforts, the task begins! Craig goes first. “I’ll take my time ‘cos you need to eat!” he shouts, then does the task in one attempt. He’s pretty quick actually! Faster than Nick was in BB1. Freddie is slower than Craig, clearly – 56 seconds to Craig’s 50 – so failed his challenge. SIGH. (Incidentally, Craig could have gone even slower, but didn’t. You still have to make yourself look good when you’re on TV, eh? Good and strong and fast!)

Challenge 2! The sugar cube tower task from BB2! Lisa is competing against Dean from BB2. “Who?” ask Karly and Sophie when BB announces who it is. You remember Dean, girls! Did nothing? Sat around? Played guitar? He brings the guitar with him to spark your memory. Noirin tells us that he presents TV in Ireland. Really? Hm. Anyway, the challenge is to see if Lisa can beat Dean in building the tallent sugar cube tower in the time allotted.

(Incidentally, neither Dean or Craig have been watching this. Craig seems to have slightly more knowledge of the housemates, whereas Dean doesn’t even know what week they’re in.)

Lisa’s tower drops, so Dean knocks his over on purpose to let her win. Noble, but couldn’t he have done it with somebody better than Lisa? She doesn’t deserve any help. Noms are announced – Karly slits her eyes like a cat when she’s told, and Noirin looks bored. Freddie is elated – good for him!

Challenge 3! The Egg and Spoon race challenge. Alex, Imogen and Lee (?) do the egg and spoon race, and Rodrigo predicts that Alex will win. It’s Lee that wins by a fucking enormous margin. Rodrigo is gutted. “Why for me this task?” he asks, “I didn’t meet anyone, I watch on screen!” He isn’t thrilled. So, the housemates are 2 losses down, and that’s all they’re allowed over the week. (I think that egg and spoon race was a shit task, and really unfair, as it’s just guesswork. They shouldn’t be judged on that.)

When discussing the fact that Noirin could leave, Marcus says she has to make the most of her potential final few days. “Do lots of painting, and cuddles,” he says. She gets angry. “I don’t do cuddles,” she says. Marcus is making an idiot of himself now. I mean, he was a few days ago, but this is just pathetic. The public’ll vote you out of for this as much as they will your semi-rampant misogyny, dear.

You Are Not Live on Channel 4… Plz Do Not Swearz

In the early morning, before the alarums have sounded, Sophie and Siavash are called to the diary room. Why? Because they are in trouble for talking about om nom noms. They have a punishment: don’t swear all day. You know they won’t manage it, right? They’re not allowed to tell anyone else about the punishment, so of course everyone speculates madly (and incorrectly). ‘You just spoke!’ Karly shouts at Siavash, as she is stupid and doesn’t know what the punishment is. Also, have you noticed how tired everyone is looking? Karly and Noirin especially. Siavash teaches Sophie how not to swear – you talk very slowly, apparently.

Noirin weeps in the diary room, for a reason I don’t quite understand, but I suspect it’s something to do with Marcus. Perhaps she’s realised that a) he is obsessed, and b) she is encouraging that obsession. She says she feels ‘alone’ in the house.

Only a few hours in, and Sophie swears, so shes automatically up for nomination. ‘Who says bloody is a swear word, anyway, it’s in the Bible,’ Sophie reasons. ‘Fuck it! I’ll go up too,’ says Siavash in a pointless chivalrous gesture. So they’re both up, then.

Recently, Lisa has been picking Marcus’ brain about the type of woman he fancies. Today, he says, ‘Recently – I don’t know if it’s my age, or what, but I see women as wives and mothers, which is why I like Noirin, as it’s impossible to see her in any other light.’ ER… WHAT? What about a slaggy, only club in the town sticky floor flashing light?

Noms begin. Marcus gets a few (‘he’s a good artist. He’s a good draw-er, but that’s about it,’ Lisa tells us), but then Noirin’s votes start rolling in. And then Karly’s. This is ace. Lisa gets a fair few too, but it isn’t enough (‘She want to smoke, and have tea, and that is all,’ says Rod). So Sophie, Siavash, Noirin and Karly are up. My feelings for Noirin leaving are strong.

Then the housemates roll ball things in the garden and it’s really boring. And Sophie is on a diet. And Lisa only ate two sausages yesterday. Noirin is really, really narky. There’s an argument about food. This is it, people: this is what BB is now. Bring in the new housemates! Give me my flesh!

If I Go, I Go. If I Stay, I’ll Have Fish And Chips.

Warning! This post contains marginally more swearing than usual.

Sophie looks fucking miserable today. Lisa and Karly cheer her up by taking the piss out of Marcus. Marcus, incidentally, is in the diary room, suggesting that Noirin, who is currently sweeping the floor, has the X Factor. She doesn’t: She’s got some crazy pheremone thing that makes people turn into cocks. They all do. Marcus has become almost unbearable. “I’m Captain Cool?” Captain C*nt, more like.

Look, I suspect that this will be a tirade, so don’t read on if you even remotely care about any of the housemates, aside from Rodrigo. Rodrigo can’t inspire hate, can he? Even yesterday, when he was upset about a slightly peeling chair, I just wanted to smooth his head over, shush him, poor lamb. The rest of them? The only way I would shush them is by sticking something in their tea. Aside from Freddie. He’s so farcical, and so 1998, you know? His shirts, his beard, the beady necklace; it would be pathetic, if it wasn’t so nearly-charming. He laughs in the diary room about Lisa’s gang and the scheming, but it’s a very forced laughter.

Sophie – “The Happy Dog, on your hands and knees,” as Rodrigo calls her – is going to reset her life in the house, apparently. Because Kris died, remember? OH NO WAIT. He got evicted for being a twat, so, really, why cry? I wouldn’t. (What shop does Kris work for, btw? Does anybody know? I’ll bet it’s Dorothy Perkins. He strikes me as the sort of man that would LOVE DP.) Marcus then bleats on about how much he loves Noirin. Is he fucking mental? She’s clearly not interested, and told him so. I hate her, but, honestly Marcus, you’re punching WELL above your weight there. (Here at BB towers, we’ve just been discussing Noirin, and came to the conclusion that she is a Cunny, or, perhaps, a Quim. Make of that what you will.) He tells Freddie all about how he stared at Noirin’s bum earlier in the day. I mean, really, is this worth talking about? “On the outside I say Never chase buses or women, as you get left behind. Well, she can’t run away in here,” Marcus says. I think he’s suggesting that he could kidnap and sex-slave her. It’s all a bit rapey. POLICE!

Apparently, Freddie constantly throws the best parties of all time. I suspect it’s easy when you have a house with 30 bedrooms. ANYWAY that’s not important. In the bedroom, Noirin has undone her bra to let Marcus paint her back. She’s dreadful, leading him on horrifically. Public, I hope you get her out as soon as you can. She’s horrid. Marcus talks about how he’s been watching her for a month or something, and how he “released some pressure in the living room,” which I think means that he had a wank or something. “What are your favourite attributes of me?” he asks her. “Loyal, friendly, manly,” she says. He asks her again if she could have feelings for him, and she says no. This is really pathetic now. He’ll watch this and hate himself. I would.

A spider appears in the kitchen. Sophie screams, and then Siavash howls like he’s the fucking devil itself, climbing on the work surface and gasping for air. It’s the funniest thing to happen all day. OH NOES WAIT back to Marcus painting Noirin’s back. “I’d leave if you weren’t here,” he says. “I’m chasing you instead of chasing a ball around.”

Incidentally, I wonder what proportion of this episode Marcus has spent with an erection? Marcus has painted a lioness chasing a gazelle on her back, but Noirin thinks that it’s a Lion chasing a rabbit. If I were Marcus and I wanted to spell out my intentions explicitly, I would have painted a wolf with sideburns fucking an Irish rabbit on a lawn with peeling chairs and a crying kitten standing at the back, but that’s just me.

You’ve Got More Rabbit than Sainsbury’s

As they always say after a BB Fight Night, ‘it’s the morning after’. Yes, everyone is hungover and Siavash can’t even remember half of what he said, but ‘Noirin should be worried.’ Well, she was getting booed by the crowd just now, so that’s probably true. Freddie tells Siavash that ‘beautiful women lie more than anyone else.’ WELL I DON’T, SO THERE. Siavash is thankful of Freddie’s help last night. Why the fuck was Noirin so offended anyway? I was almost laughing when the argument broke out, and then I just pity. Pity for the human race. Kris thinks Siavash has been caught up in a mess. Well, that’s true. Kris is odds-on favourite to go tonight. Let’s hope he does. Noirin won’t apologise to Siavash until he admits he made the ‘rabbit’ comment. OMG SHUT UP. (I think the crowd are chanting ‘Get Kris Out’. Hoorah.)

‘I must bust out some reps today.’ Who is saying this? Here’s a clue: ‘I have’t done weights with my short hair yet.’ Yes, it’s Freddie. Freddie? Who have you become? In the dairy room, Siavash is getting bollocked for asking the others (as a weird threat) to nominate him. Chances are, he’ll be put up by BB next week for eviction, but his punishment is undefined so far. Even though he is not definitely up, he tells the shit gang (Karly, Lisa et al) that he is up, mostly I think as a tactical trick, so they don’t bother nominating him next week. Very clever, if BB doesn’t put him up after all.

(The crowd are now partially shouting ‘Get Marcus Out’. Boo.) The HMs have been given face paints… Oh, I’m not writing about this. Although Freddie looks TERRIFYING as a sort of clown cat. He is purring in a really sickening way. ‘He looks like the cat who’s got the cream,’ says Charlie, without irony, and Freddie loves it. Eugh. Marcus gets called to the diary room, but it’s only to get asked about tonight’s eviction, and not because he’s in trouble. Kris doesn’t seem to think he’ll be evicted. Hm. Marcus is telling a delightful story about injuring his foot. Then they all go to bed and Noirin hides in Rod’s bed and it’s all about the lulz, except it isn’t. Hurry up! I want to know who’s leaving!

And the evictee is…

KRIS. Brillig.