I’m so glad you didn’t get me a fat one

Eww. Did Rod just kiss Charlie? I don’t need my morning starting with this. Everyone else who thinks they’d make a good couple is wrong. Can you actually imagine the reality of that? BLAZING ROWS, PEOPLE! Sophie is advising Marcus (very kindly, actually), about Noirin. ‘I don’t know why I bother,’ he says. No, I don’t, either. Anyway, at breakfast, Rod and Charlie deny kissing, and say it was a joke, as the were pretending. In all seriousness, it’s hard to say if they really did. But I think they did.

Bea has a date. It’s some guy, who applied online. He’s quite nice, actually, but this is weird. BB NEVER normally lets them have contact with outsiders. This is another shift in what BB is doing this year. (It’s like when Karly did her assault challenge, and the men spoke to her, and when they piped music into Kris’ laser challenge. They have made it more like a gameshow, and made them less protected from the outside world. It’s a complete change to how BB used to work – and perhaps it’s for the better.) In the diary room, Bea confesses, ‘I’m so glad you didn’t get me a fat one.’

It now turns out that the power to pass this task is all on Freddie, as Zeus. He must pick someone to arm wrestle against Marcus, and win. Presumably he’ll picl Tom, then. He does. Tom must take a heavy weight endurance challenge. He picks Marcus to compete against him. He pits Siavash against Kenny in an object-valuing task. At least two of his picked HMs must pass. In the arm wrestling, Marcus wins. ‘You let me win!’ says Marcus. It is not legal, so they have to do it again. Marcus wins again. D’oh! Freddie looks appalled. The other HMs try to work out why. They decide Freddie has been given a secret task. Double d’oh! They spend literally hours going on about it, like complete dicks. Everybody knows that should you suspect someone of having a secret task, you should never mention it in case it incurs a fail.

Kenny and Siavash have to value things like a Supermarket Sweep round. First, a pint of milk – they are woefully too high. Then a Ferrari Spider – they are both nearer, here. Then bread, then a terraced house in the UK. (The house is a ridiculous challenge. Where is it? How many bedrooms does it have? Does it need work? I mean, there are so many possible mitigating factors.) The average price is apparently around £177,000. Interesting. Siavash, Freddie’s chosen HM, fails by one point. Freddie is distraught. So he reveals his secret task. So anyway, it’s fails all round, and they have a basic shopping budget for this week.

Apparently, Marcus has used unacceptable language in talking about Tom. Oh dear. And Kenny is still going on about looking for Karly’s contraceptive pills yesterday. He is oddly very upset about it. He fails to understand, in typical idiot fashion, that whether you want to go shagging or not, as a female on the pill, you have to take it everyday regardless of what you have planned. You can’t just not take it when you feel like it. (This exact same thing has happened to me – can you tell? – and I was extremely unimpressed with the man in question’s poor understanding of hormone treatments. I almost made him read the instructions, but in all honesty I don’t think he could read.)

So Kenneth escapes at 5am by running off the BB wall and roof, accompanied by Marcus. The cameras can’t even follow them. BB shouts, but they laugh and stay there. Some Northern guy on the other side helps Kenneth down. ‘I’m staying – don’t worry about me,’ says Marcus. And he does.

Who Walked?

Just a quick one for now, until a full update in the morning. Kenneth has walked. The eviction tomorrow has been cancelled, and apparently Davina is going to interview Kenneth tomorrow instead (well, it’s not like she wouldn’t have been anyway, is it?). Still – he walked? Kind of good on him, in a way. He escaped by running over the wall, assisted by Marcus, according to Digital Spy.

He’s An Absolute Crawly Bumlick.

Poor Freddie. Poor, poor Freddie. Bea, playing the part of Aphrodite, will be going on a date with somebody selected via the Big Brother website based on a video that she’s recorded in the diary room. “I want a tall man, over six foot, with long hair, very physically affectionate – you know what I mean,” she says, describing her perfect (not Freddie) man. “I’m really into the Jesus look.”

But, this isn’t the Freddie and Bea show: it’s the Kenneth Is A Cock show, remember? “I know, as soon as I met her, I could have that,” he tells Sophie, who clearly hates him. He then tells a story about the many many many girls that have waited on him hand and foot, and then he explains that he’ll be fine if Karly leaves him. If? IF? He’d be fucking lucky. Look at the romance blossoming between Charlie and Rodrigo? They act like they hate each other – “I will never talking to him again!” emotes Rod when Charlie shushes him, and calls him the C word – but really they are FULL ON. Seriously.

Lisa is amassing her generals, in the forms of David and Kenneth. She agrees with them when they bitch – telling Kenneth that she thinks Bea is a liar, telling David that Noirin isn’t worth bothering with – and smoothes the moustache given to her for the Kebab shop task. It really suits her as well, don’t you think? The Kebab challenge – Sophie on the phone taking complicated orders for food – goes as you would expect, and then the Marching Guards task goes the same way, Siavash not really getting the routine right. Charlie and Rodrigo’s Stavros Flatley performance is next. I mean, really. The less said about that the better, right? I’ll just say that Charlie is better than Rodrigo, because he camps it up, but that’s me being really kind.

Next up? A conversation between Sophie and Lisa about Marcus’ balls. I give up, I really do.

BUT I DON’T ACTUALLY AH HA! Bea explains to Noirin and Charlie that she IS attracted to Freddie, even though he isn’t her physical type at all! Oh please! Please! That’s one romance I could really get behind! Speaking of romance, Kenneth is asked by Big Brother to fetch some contraceptive pills that Karly left in the house. He goes into the diary room and cries because he thinks that Karly’s request means she’s slutting around. Cries! “I could have any girl in the world!” he whimpers to get, what? Sympathy? Wow. “I guess I’m still human, as much I try to kid myself.”

But that isn’t the last chunk of romance in the house. In the bedroom, in the darkness, Noirin brushes Siavash’s hair. Marcus comes in and has a go, and they both complain. Siavash says that Marcus’ attention is unfair, which it is, as he’s intense and protective for NO REASON AT ALL. Is something going on between them now? WAIT A MINUTE! The whole bedroom is a hive of sexiness! Bea and Freddie have a big under-the-covers cuddle!

Outside the bedroom, Siavash and Noirin have a little conversation that’s weird and subtle and I feel like I’m missing the subtext. “I feel guilty,” he says, and I want to know what he feels guilty about. He says that he wants to have a “serious chat” with Noirin, and she suggests that they have it when they leave the house. OH NOES, SIAVASH LOVES NOIRIN! His girlfriend will NOT be thrilled.

Let’s Not Talk About It

What happens when you send new people into BB who have previously been watching the show is that the new HMs use their knowledge of the public feelings on each person, and it defeats the point of BB in general. ‘Noirin will be up, and she will go,’ says Tom, which, of course, is true. But he is worried (rightly), about getting Freddie up. So he and Kenneth work on Bea. Kenneth is unimpressed with Bea’s attitude, because she doesn’t want to be involved in their secret task. ‘I’m just trying to get on with everybody.’ You’ve got to feel a bit sorry for her, right? Eventually, Kenneth tells her, delightfully, to ‘shut the fuck up’, for which I do believe he should be called to the diary room, as he is being a real cock about it. Then Marcus mishears him, and think that Bea is trying to intimidate Kenneth (as if). Trouble ahead, BB mates!

Anyway, it’s nomination today, and new housemates cannot be nominated, although chances are they’ll be up anyway. Bea is moaning to Freddie about Kenny, and Charlie HAS to come over and stir the pot, and tells her that Kenny has been saying that she is intimidating him. But then Kenny tells her that he isn’t intimidated, but kicks off instead. Then he accuses her of ‘starting on him’. I had such high hopes for Kenny being an interesting housemate, but he’s just horrid. I don’t want to watch him.Later, he says ‘If I were outside, this would have been sorted,’ which I do, for once, think is intimidating, but still he is not called to the diary room.

So, lighter things. Siavash is having his (very hairy) bum waxed by Noirin. This is fun. Sadly, it doesn’t last, as we go back to more Kenny shite. All the old HMs agree that Kenny is intimidating, and advise Bea to tell the diary room. ‘He goes round telling everyone about all these dangerous people he knows,’ says Bea. ‘We will review the footage,’ says BB. Jesus Christ. Why is it that BB will jump on anything vaguely intimidating said, but when someone is obviously threatening they take ages to do anything? Kenny does apologise to Bea, but only after she has been into the diary room. ‘This time, I feel really bad,’ he says. Genuine? I don’t know. I’ doubtful, though. Still, she accepts the apology.

Anyway, Siavash has a really good idea. ‘Let’s all put ourselves up,’ he says, as he doesn’t want to nominate. ‘Just play by the rules,’ says Charlie, desperate not to be up. Marcus is annoyed that new HMs can’t be nominated. Anyway, all the old HMs start talking about noms, so that they all get into trouble. Rod doesn’t want to do it. Then Lisa refuses. Typical. So, instead, stupid nomination reasons are given in the diary room instead. For example, Charlie nominates Freddie, but gives stupid reasons – ‘his eyes are too blue; he stirs his tea stupidly’, and such. Some refuse to give a second nomination, though notably Lisa and Rod do their nominations properly (I assume from the voiceover).  Marcus nominates Lisa and Charlie, for not joining in, as does Siavash. The new HMs have, of course, failed their mission.

Eventually, Kenny is called to the diary roon, but he’s just told to abide by BB’s rules. He says he ‘regrets’ what he’s said, and that’s about it. Nominations are then revealed: Lisa and Charlie would have been the proper noms, but instead, all new HMs are up, and Charlie, Sophie, Freddie, Marcus, Noirin and Siavash are all up too for talking about om nom noms. Who goes? This time you really do have a proper chance to decide.

A Brief Post About Some Dreadful People.

“She needs to lose some weight. That cellulite fucking bothers me.” – Kenneth, on Sophie.

“Her bangers are too big.” – Tom, on Sophie.

“Imagine going out on a date with her. It’d be so fucking dull, like ‘Uh, uh, uh,’ like that.” – Tom, on Sophie.

“I was going to be nice, play it that way, but fuck it.” – Tom.

“I saw Karly staring at me flashing my money, so I kept doing it, and I got her.” – Kenneth.

“If (a Brazilian model) was in here throwing herself at me, then sure, I’d have a go. If I had to work for it, I would stick with Karly.” – Kenneth.

“I’d easily do her, but she’s not something that would last. She’s an egg. I’d bin her so fast.” – Kenneth, on Sophie.

“Her taking my cock isn’t something that’ll get her bank account as well.” – Kenneth, on Sophie.

“These people, who do they think they are? They’re awful!” – Bea, on Kenneth and Tom.

(Bonus quote! “She has to realise how sexy she is, and the responsibility that comes with that!” – Marcus, on Noirin.)

Summer of Love 2009

This update is brought to you slightly later than usual, as last night I accidentally went out and had ridiculously camp cocktails and missed the first airing. Sorry.

Kenneth doesn’t know how to change a duvet cover, and David has to show him the inside-out-hands-in-the-corners trick. It’s all a bit sad. ‘It’s like boarding school,’ says Kenneth, but if my understanding of boarding school is correct, they still make you sort out changing your own bedding there. Freddie recommends the setting of 7.5 on the toaster, which is ‘micro-managing the toast,’ apparently. Bea laps it up. Marcus is VERY suspicious of Tom, which is actually quite salient.

So. how are the new HMs going to manage the secret mission? Well, not very well, I’d imagine. Hira is about as subtle as a follow-through fart in a jacuzzi, although at least David and Kenneth seem more sensible about it. Kenneth accosts Tom about it in the bedroom. ‘Hira’s got no idea,’ says Tom. Later, Bea tries to make the best pf it all. ‘Maybe they’ll vote for each other anyway,’ she says. Well, it’s entirely possible that Noirin will be up, but I don’t think it’s going to happen with Freddie.

Freddie fucking loves Bea. I shouldn’t be surprised if she loves him, too. ‘I think me and Bea could create the summer of love 2009,’ he states.

BB is throwing  a 10 year anniversary party, so Kenneth decides to wear £3000 shoes. I didn’t even know you could buy £3000 shoes. Seriously. The party room is decorated with pics of ex-housemates. How many can you recognise? Even I, an uber-BB fan, am struggling. Anyway, BB gives them cake, booze and music. They dance, and sing badly. Bea is outside, telling Freddie she has perfect feet, because she has ‘faith’. I know. The obligatory alcohol stealing incident breaks out, and Lisa is annoyed. Noirin is going on about Marcus AGAIN, this time to Sophie. ‘Is it my fault?’ ‘No,’ says Sophie, but it’s a lie. Then they say that Kenny is too flirty, and that makes them feel bad for Karly. They are such liars. Anyway, the lager argument is still going on, with Lisa fucking loving having an axe to grind. Siavash says he saw who took it. He accuses Tom. Tom denies it. ‘It’s a stitch up,’ Tom mutters. Was there malicious intent in his accusation? Well, I guess it’s possible, but I can’t quite connect why. He apologises to Tom, anyway. Later, Noirin tells Tom that Marcus is her ‘best friend in the house’. I smell trouble brewing. In the mian house, Marcus stirs the pot, and warns Sophie and Siavash that all the new HMs have watched the show, and are saying the right things on purpose. In the garden, David tells Tom that he thinks Noirin fancies him. Hm. Then Sophie and Charlie tell Bea that Freddie fancies her, and she is appalled. Oh dear.

In the bedroom, Noirin, Tom and Sophie get into bed together. Noirin talks drunkenly about nothing, then gets out of bed in case ‘she gets into trouble.’ See, if she hated Marcus’ attention, she wouldn’t have cared, right? Then she goes outside to talk to Marcus. ‘When we go in there, can I give you a piggy back in, so he [Tom] gets egg on his face?’ Marcus asks her. She agrees. ARGH!

She Doesn’t Like You, You Know.

I want to think that Marcus is sweet and kind and thoughtful. He isn’t. He is, instead, really fucking creepy. He stares at Noirin as she scrubs pans, and tells her that he could take her “to heaven and back.” Then, the date that Marcus ordered with Big Brother takes place. Big Brother gives them oysters and strawberries and then plays ‘To Be With You’ by Mr Big, which Marcus and Noirin then dance to. Marcus asks for a “proper kiss,” but Noirin tells him that she can’t give proper kisses. I can absolutely see this ending in some weird drunken kiss/fumble/struggle that goes too far, really I can. And Big Brother will be complicit in that; they’re doing everything that they can to up Marcus’ creepy factor. Noirin’s just as bad, really: she could just tell him to fuck off, say that she isn’t attracted to him, and tell him to leave her alone. But she won’t, because she loves the attention. It’s just really embarrassing for all the parties involved now, and I do not like it. In other romantic news, Sophie’s dog, Army, comes into the garden, nearly explodes with joy when it sees her, and then runs around. Oh, wait, did I say “dog”? I meant “furry goblin.”

The new housemates – Kenneth, Bea, David, Hira, Tom – then enter the house, and there’s much screaming, as loads of people recognise them from the auditions. (Charlie recognises Bea from LAST YEAR’S auditions, which means they auditioned twice for this show, and were turned down first time around. We’ve got last year’s cast-offs, people. Aren’t we lucky?) Kenneth and Karly do some kissing in the toilet. Kenneth keeps saying something about how long he’s waited for Karly, and then they have a really passionate kiss, and Kenneth grabs her bum. Really hard. Then he tells her that their “time is limited” because he knows she’s going, and she cries loads. “I thought you’d be there when I get out,” she says, and he tells her that he knows, but “I’m in here now.” Brilliant. He’s very caring. All the women fancy Tom, btw, because he’s built like a fucking tractor. He’s been put in for Noirin, right? Sophie will think he’s for her, but I suspect he’s for Noirin. Anyway, then it’s eviction time, and Karly is booted. AHHHHH.

Now, I need to discuss something very serious. Hira. She’s a pretty girl. She’s polite. She’s THE MOST ASTONISHINGLY DENSE PERSON I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED. Big Brother gives her the new housemates’ secret task – that the new housemates have to complete a secret mission, to get the randomly selected Freddie and Noirin up for eviction, and Hira tells Tom first. “Be subtle,” he says, “or you’ll give it away.” The other housemates all react in pretty much the same way, saying that they think getting Noirin nom’d will be easy, but getting Freddie nom’d will be impossible. Watching the housemates is amazing. Noirin stretches back and sticks her boobs forward for Tom’s benefit. Bea cuddles Freddie and they talk in exactly the same way. David is already slotting himself into Lisa’s little box of troops, taking Karly’s place. It’s quite fascinating. Kenneth walks around like he’s in charge, then heads to the diary room and, essentially, says that Karly wasted her Big Brother opportunity by “devolving” (his word) into a moaning, complaining, boring person. She’s going to love watching that bit, I’m sure. He also thinks that he can win. “I’m convinced.” He “pursued” 4 degrees at Edinburgh University, which is nice for him.

Marcus is threatened by Tom. “He’s been put in to knock head with me. I’m looking forward to taking him down. It’s going to be hilarious.” Marcus’ self-image is a real issue, I think. Some alcohol and snacks are wheeled out, and it goes to the housemates’ heads. Rodrigo tells Hira how similar they are, because they’re from different cultures. Bea and Freddie drink in the garden, talk about “lethal bubbles,” then Bea spills champers on Freddie’s coat. When it’s bed time, Freddie gives her a goodnight hug. I love a good romance!