I didn’t know Stevie Wonder was blind… Or that he was black

God, I really want a can of Coke, or some Lucozade. Damn these shit sponsorship adverts at the beginning of BB. Charlie may, perhaps, have been better off if he’d spat Lucozade or Coke at Bea. Instead, last night he spurted water at her, and SHE WON’T LET IT LIE. ‘I’ve said sorry – there’s nothing more I can say, Bea,’ he tells her, looking very tired of the whole thing, and they have presumably, only just got up. ‘It’s something coming into my face I’m not expecting,’ she says, to me chorlting. ‘I don’t want to make a big deal of it,’ she lies. Lisa warns Charlie, outside, that Bea creates dramas. Hm.

Anyway, it’s now time for the HMs to receive their messages from home. Lisa is the first person to receive hers. She watches in the diary room, and the others watch on the plasma. Her message is from her mother and aunt, a pair of twins in pink jumpers. (I am not making that up.) ‘It was almost like The Shining,’ says Siavash. Charlie is the next to get his message. It’s from his dad. He tells him that his mother’s condition (she’s in a coma, donchaknow) is improving. OK – he doesn’t deserve to win, then? Bea cries. Marcus cries. (He really does.) Bea has a message from her friend Tia. The message is fun, and kind, but not deep and meaningful. ‘Why wasn’t it my mum?’ asks Bea. She sobs. ‘Everyone’s getting messages from their parents,’ she weeps. rather ungratefully. David goes next. It’s from his aunty and his friend. He weeps before they’ve even spoken. There is a break in the messages, so Marcus goes to comfort Bea, who is still upset. ‘Some people are just never happy,’ Charlie says about Bea in the garden. She asks the diary room why her mother didn’t do the message. ‘Your mother did not want to appear on TV,’ says BB, and, even though Bea seems to know that this is true, she is still upset.

Marcus’ message is from his friend, Helen. She is hilarious – kind of like a pretty, female version of him. He is delighted. Rod is next. It’s from his ‘UK parents’. They seem very sweet. Siavash has a message from his mum and cousin. They are both rather beautiful, and his mum very sophisticated. Funny how it’s sometimes exactly as you’d imagined. ‘I did not hear anything,’ he says. ‘It’s really weird.’ Sophie is next, and looking forward to hearing from her mum. She has a message from her mum and her friend, but… She also has one from Kris! WOW. ‘From my opinion, nothing’s changed,’ he says. ‘I’ll be there, waiting for you, when you get out.’ Do I note some insincerity in his voice? Or am I just a wretched cynic?

Anyway, they are having a little party. They take the piss out of Bea, saying she didn’t even know who her friend was, and had to go to the diary room to ask who she was. Haha! This is quite witty. Rod and Sophie keep laughing, and Bea gets cross. Siavash starts laughing. Then Rodrigo says he wasn’t even laughing about that, and that Bea is making a drama. ‘Don’t give Bea a surprise for her birthday,’ says Charlie. ‘She hates surprises.’ Then no one can stop laughing. Bea smiles a bit, but you know she’ll make a drama of it later. And she does, in the diary room. She also thinks she might be up for nomination next week.

Rod tries to apologise to her, but she’s not having it. She also does her little trick of not quite remembering what she said. He says sorry, but she pretends to David that it was Rodrigo who brought it up again. This is another of her tricks! Let’s count how many of her stupid tricks she uses: lying about what she’s said, pretending someone else is making a drama, and making someone else out to be an idiot, though nothing’s been done. So he swims off. Marcus laughs. She is right: she’ll be up tomorrow, mos def. So she plays the ‘I want to go home’ card. This is a new trick for her! Still, she’s off. BYE!

You’ve Got More Rabbit than Sainsbury’s

As they always say after a BB Fight Night, ‘it’s the morning after’. Yes, everyone is hungover and Siavash can’t even remember half of what he said, but ‘Noirin should be worried.’ Well, she was getting booed by the crowd just now, so that’s probably true. Freddie tells Siavash that ‘beautiful women lie more than anyone else.’ WELL I DON’T, SO THERE. Siavash is thankful of Freddie’s help last night. Why the fuck was Noirin so offended anyway? I was almost laughing when the argument broke out, and then I just pity. Pity for the human race. Kris thinks Siavash has been caught up in a mess. Well, that’s true. Kris is odds-on favourite to go tonight. Let’s hope he does. Noirin won’t apologise to Siavash until he admits he made the ‘rabbit’ comment. OMG SHUT UP. (I think the crowd are chanting ‘Get Kris Out’. Hoorah.)

‘I must bust out some reps today.’ Who is saying this? Here’s a clue: ‘I have’t done weights with my short hair yet.’ Yes, it’s Freddie. Freddie? Who have you become? In the dairy room, Siavash is getting bollocked for asking the others (as a weird threat) to nominate him. Chances are, he’ll be put up by BB next week for eviction, but his punishment is undefined so far. Even though he is not definitely up, he tells the shit gang (Karly, Lisa et al) that he is up, mostly I think as a tactical trick, so they don’t bother nominating him next week. Very clever, if BB doesn’t put him up after all.

(The crowd are now partially shouting ‘Get Marcus Out’. Boo.) The HMs have been given face paints… Oh, I’m not writing about this. Although Freddie looks TERRIFYING as a sort of clown cat. He is purring in a really sickening way. ‘He looks like the cat who’s got the cream,’ says Charlie, without irony, and Freddie loves it. Eugh. Marcus gets called to the diary room, but it’s only to get asked about tonight’s eviction, and not because he’s in trouble. Kris doesn’t seem to think he’ll be evicted. Hm. Marcus is telling a delightful story about injuring his foot. Then they all go to bed and Noirin hides in Rod’s bed and it’s all about the lulz, except it isn’t. Hurry up! I want to know who’s leaving!

And the evictee is…

KRIS. Brillig.

I’m Really Angry The Noo!

Freddie. Poor, poor Freddie. Having shaved his head, I would be afraid that the housemates have created their own little Travis Bickle, ready to snap, ready to tear the other housemates apart. A man can only take rejection from his peers for so long, right? Between him, Lisa and Charlie – all shaven headed – there’s a magical BNP party just waiting to happen (albeit a BNP that rationally accepts homosexuality and interracial relationships).

The house is ABUZZ with discussions about the eviction. Marcus thinks that it’ll be him, Kris or Freddie (though he does stir a bit, telling Sophie that Kris thought she could go because she’s quiet, when Marcus was the one who said she was quiet, and Kris merely agreed with him). Karly says that she “kens” exactly who will go, “and it’s the one with the big mouth.” Meaning Marcus. Who do I think’ll go? Kris or Marcus. Anyway, the Marcus/Kris/Stirring/Misunderstanding causes a big barny, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter as it’s all very stupid indeed.

For their vaudeville task, Karly and Kris have to walk a short – three metres, maybe? – tightrope. They have two attempts each to do it. Kris does his first time, pretty effortlessly. Karly – whose roots are looking dreadful, and let us know that she is, naturally, ginger-haired – falls off right at the end of her first attempt. “Did you see the waaaaaarsp?” she shouts, “in my hair?” (She means Wasp.) She does it on her second attempt, though, so all is well in the world. PASS! Charlie then has to do his unicycling, again, a distance of a few metres, on a plank across the swimming pool. He’s wearing a comedy oversized hat, and clearly cannot ride the unicycle at all. Instead he tries to go very fast, but it doesn’t work, and the unicycle falls into the water. FAIL!

Next task: The strongmen and women – Marcus, Siavash, Noirin – have to pull a truck 25 metres. (It weighs 4 tonnes, and Marcus shrugs it off. “That’s nothing. I used to pull and push them around all day. You might as well stay here, I’ll do it myself.”) This should be really easy, right? Well, no, because it’s a fucking truck. It moves, they pull it, but they really bust a gut to make it happen. Still, make it happen they do! PASS! Because they failed all the other challenges, though, they’re on basic rations. OVERALL MASSIVE FAIL!

Sophie and Kris have a lovely chat about whether their relationship can survive outside the house. Sophie – who perpetually sounds like an idiot – claims that if Kris ever cheats on her, she’ll never take him back. “But we can give it a go, because… I like you.” Is it just me, or is she suggesting/implying that she might even love him? If she isn’t playing up to the cameras, she’s going to get hurt as fuck.

Anyway, Siavash then tells Noirin that her house nickname is Rabbit, a nickname that I have NEVER heard her being called in the house. Who calls her this? Kris, Sophie, Lisa. So, Noirin then goes into the bedroom and tells those people that she knows about the nickname, and they deny it completely. (I’m sorry, but what the fuck is a rabbit, anyway? Was Siavash actually insinuating that she fucks around a lot? Or has big teeth? Or is a vibrator? I don’t know.) Oh, shit, it’s all kicking off, or as much as an arguement in the BB house can. Karly uses the phrase, “I’m really angry the noo!” which is just priceless. It escalates, with Siavash threatening to say stuff that he never wanted to say. It’s weird. I don’t know what’s happening, as it could be Siavash being a weird stirrer, or he could be speaking the truth, or he could be just drunk and confused. I can’t tell. (Big Brother, this is your fault, as, editing wise, it’s confusing as all hell.)

Then, oh God, Freddie. Freddie tells Noirin that she’s been a bitch and thrown him to the wolves. She then calls him a liar, which he isn’t, and he tells her off like an angry pointing dad, so he follows her from room to room. His anger is growing. Ooooooh! This is getting exciting! This is amazing: Noirin has chosen, right here, to side with the group that might keep her in by sheer force of numbers. The line is absolutely drawn, and it’s amazing, seeing it so divided. Freddie then starts shouting like some 18th Century orator, swinging his finger around! It’s incredible and Shakespearean and Parliamentary! Wow.

Really, just Wow.

I Made Noises, Like Humming And That.

The interesting things today aren’t the nominations themselves, but the extra people put up for eviction, essentially by Big Brother. Charlie, for discussing nominations in the most casual and vague way, is told to remain silent for the rest of the day. This is a near impossible challenge for Charlie, as he isn’t allowed to tell a soul about it. If he fails? He’s up for eviction. “11 hours of me not talking! Can you imagine?” No, but I can fucking dream. He leaves the diary room, and immediately talks. What a tit. Sophie Dogface then nominates Freddie Halfwit because he said that Kris was using her. OMG NOMS FOR THE TRUTH!

Then, Kris spends the next five minutes trying to make Charlie laugh/talk/whatever. Freddie then follows him around. “Do you want a cuddle? Or a tickle? Or do you want to be on your own?” All the housemates are affected by Noirin, under her weird spell. Marcus and Freddie both discuss her effect on them, and she even recognises it herself in the diary room.Later in the episode, Siavash sort-of declares his love for her. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? She’s an averagely-pretty girl who is pretty fucking dull: why are you so obsessed?

Then, because they are absolute fucking idiots, Sophie, Kris and Karly discuss nominations – in particular, Freddie’s place in them. Idiots. Idiots, idiots, idiots. This whole episode is like a litany of idiocy, actually. Kris and Noirin then have a go at Siavash about how he dresses. Marcus then propositions Noirin and says something about her giving him night-terrors. See? Idiots, all of them.

Dogface and Kris are then called to the diary room together. “What can this be about?” they ask. “I’m scared!” Kris says. For discussing noms, they have to stay silent until 2AM (which is MUCH easier than Charlie’s entire-day punishment). They can’t go to bed, or go to sleep. I think that this challenge is interesting, because it reeks of Big Brother trying to get more people in the eviction mix. Five minutes after coming out, Kris says, “don’t” to the rest of the house.

So, Charlie is told that he is up for eviction, adding another name to the ticket. Karly cries when Charlie tells her. “I said today, if any of my mates went up, I’d be so upset!” I think she’s missed the point of this show. Anyone else get the impression that she doesn’t have many friends in life, people who genuinely care about her? Big Brother then tells Kris and Sophie that they both failed their task as well, so they are up for eviction. With Freddie, Marcus, Charlie, Kris and Sophie up, it’s a packed old ticket. Who will go? Here at BB towers, we think it’s between Marcus and Kris. Kris should go, but he might not inspire enough anger to get people to vote, so it’s anyone’s guess at this point.

DON’T DO JOKE TO ME.

Is it just me, or do you hate it also when the HMs sleep under bare duvets and pillows with no covers or cases? It’s a bit…scratty. It also seems a bit oddly unhygienic. Most of the HMs are lolling in the bedroom being mean about Freddie, and saying that Noirin flirts too much. And in the garden, Marcus is annoyed that he has had no hugs from Noirin. And Lisa sings Heartbreaker at her.I am the only person in the WORLD who doesn’t fancy Noirin.

Now they have a crash test dummy task. Lisa is the safety ambassador for the task. The rest are split into three teams, including Kris, Freddie and Sophie in one. And then Kris and Karly moan about Freddie a bit. YOU ARE SO BORING. SHUT UP. Kris has massive jug ears that pop out when he’s in the shower. He is also really orange. He is sitting, topless, in the dairy room, still moaning about Freddie. Anyway, then the task begins. Dressed in neon unitards, they fling each other down a runway on rollerskates, hitting a padded wall. It should be funny, but… It just isn’t. It’s ust a bit irksome. One of those things you watch and think either, I could do that better, or haven’t they got anything better to do? Freddie, Kris and Sophie’s team wins, and will have a party and a chance to win tokens later.

Marcus and Noirin have a conversation about the other conversation they had about him fancying her, between cooking a roast together. (This is not a euphemism.) He thinks he’s done something wrong. ‘I don’t want people to think I’m a mickey-teaser,’ she says. MICKEY? Is this an Oirish word for penis? Is that what Marcus calls his own? Have I missed something? Noirin and Lisa seem to be friends, all of a sudden. This is not a good move for Noirin. Lisa is obviously going to shit stir about Marcus, which she does. Also, Karly and Charlie don’t like roast potatoes. How can anyone ever not like roast potatoes?

Kris, Sophie and Freddie’s party begins. But there’s a catch. To win tokens, they must dance non-stop for an hour, whilst constantly eating burgers and chips, and drinking lager. Lisa has to watch them. Some hardcore rave-style choon is piped in, and Freddie does frightening dancing and noises. then the task finishes, and they win 5 tokens. Then Freddie throws up in the bog. Outside, Karly is dressed like an 80s streetwalker. Why? To consume her roast dinner and mash? She and Noirin talk about men. Karly thinks Kris is the most attractive, and Noirin thinks it’s Charlie, though neither of them ‘think of them like that.’ Whatevs. Later, Freddie goes to bed and ties a scarf around his eyes, and Kris has a lie down.

In the garden, Charlie and Rodrigo assault each other in the grass. I love Rodrigo, but his association with Charlie upsets me a bit. (If you were wondering, Big Bother is written by a few people, and I am the one who doesn’t like their relationship.) ‘He speaks too much. He turns me off,’ Rodrigo says of him. In the bedroom, Rod goes on about the fact that he is the only one who gives back the things Charlie says or does to everyone else. Charlie says he needs to grow up. These arguments are weird and circular. Nothing much is said, and what is said in on repeat, with a strange undertone. ‘Don’t do jokes to me,’ Rod says. Then Lisa gets involved a bit and they both get angry (not with Lisa, unfortunately). And Charlie says Rod’s a freak, and Rod asks if it’s because he’s from a different country and doesn’t speak English properly.  ‘Don’t play the race card!’ says Charlie. Rod calls him a clown. Lisa urges them to separate. Blah. Finally, Charlie, Lisa and Karly go outside to bitch about Rod, and Marcus and Siavash sit in the main house talking about Noirin ‘missing her ex’. When he has goes to bed, Siavash warns Noirin that he is ‘another Sree’.

Please. Sort this out, powers-that-BB. New housemates, or else. I don’t want this to be the ‘Everyone-fancies-Noirin-and-hates-Freddie-and-Rodrigo-has-a-temper-Show’ forever.

The Clever Kid In The Class That Nobody Listens To.

Freddie starts crying – as Marcus notes, as soon as the Cameras whir on in the morning – because he is so observant. “My openness is getting me nominated and keeping me in the house!” he whines. I’m thrilled that Freddie has stayed in over every single person that has left, but, really, Freddie, don’t go all pathetic on us now, or the public will punch you in the bum. Kris is angry that Freddie DARE to suggest that his relationship with Sophie Dogface is for the cameras. HOW DARE HE? “It’s his opinion, he’s wrong, but,” he tells Siavash. Freddie then apologises to Kris, who semi-takes the apology, and then Freddie sings Sloop John B, the “Feel so broke up, I wanna go home” line. PRECOGNITION? (Probably not.)

In the bedroom, Kris and Sophie lie in bed and discuss the breaking of Sophie’s Mum’s rule under the covers. Marcus lies at their feet like some weird cat. In the garden, Freddie asks if he can give Charlie a hug, which Charlie allows until he breaks it off. “I feel sick,” he says. “If you ever need a cuddle,” he offers Charlie, and Charlie rubuffs with an offer of talks. “Can I lay my head on your chest?” Freddie asks, and Charlie doesn’t let him. “People will think we’re going out,” he says. THEN HE RUBS HIS BACK. Alright, Freddie, what the fuck are you doing? This is weird. Then he hugs Sophie, who is wearing a top three or four sizes too small for her breasts.

Rodrigo is given a challenge: Make somebody else in the house get down on all fours and bark like a dog. Brilliant. He goes into the garden, moans about his foot, and then goes down on all fours himself, as if gestures are somehow contagious. Oh! I see! He’s doing it to get somebody to do it with him! So, Rodrigo moves onto Sophie, and persuades her to imitate a dog with him. She takes it further, imitating licking her crotch and doing a poo. Sophie then barks, brilliantly, meaning that Rodrigo has passed his secret task, I suppose. THAT WAS FUN WASN’T IT?

Noirin and Lisa have a conversation about Marcus, and the fact that she doesn’t fancy him. Here’s a theory: Noirin is some mystical Irish beast that lures men to their deaths, like a Siren. MArcus then talks about Noirin, about how he knows he’s being lured in, but then, “why does she always says that I’m her favourite in the house?” The Marcus says something about Rodrigo, Charlie and “hot Latin temper,” but honestly, I had stopped listening. The Kris and Charlie wrap Rodrigo in a sheet and drag him outside. “If this thing break I go with my back on the floor!” Rodrigo shouts. Charlie and Rodrigo then have an argument about the fact that Rodrigo won’t leave Charlie alone. “Why don’t you go to soap opera to be an actor?” Rodrigo asks, which is an interesting question.

Later in the day, Rodrigo goes and sits in the toilet by himself having a little cry. AHHHHH! He’s like that adorable lolcat, the one with the big eyes that’s been put through the washing machine and is saying, “I CAN HAZ DRY NOW?” or something equally pathetic/sweet. Charlie sees him, and sees his tears, and hugs him. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Who doesn’t want this relationship to happen, eh? Nobody gives a fig about Sophie and Kris, but this one? I could absolutely get behind these two. (Not literally.)

In the garden, Sophie and Karly discuss the girls on the outside world voting them out because they are pretty, and the public will be jealous. Oh, come on, that’s a bit unfair: they’ll vote you out because you are dull or nasty, surely? Much better reasons.

Keep it to Yourself

Ding dong, Sree has gone! Except he hasn’t, quite yet, but this is the last episode we’ll ever see him in! Hooray! The morn breaks and Freddie asks Lisa if they can talk outside, whilst cigging. As soon as he has left the room, she and the rest start bitching about him. Horrible lot. Anyway, here is what they say: Lisa has a special skill, Lisa and Freddie like each other, she’s not scary, even though she has a skinhead, she knows she has an acid tongue, Freddie said how he felt, but he is not ‘hateable’, and Freddie doesn’t want Sree eavesdropping. Actually, Freddie seems quite upset during this conversation, because he’s been up for eviction so much. Lisa is actually oddly sensible during the conversation, and they hug, but I wonder how long it’ll be till she bitches about him (probably with Karly or Sree) again.

Also, Charlie starts winding up Rodrigo, and accidentally calls him Ricardo, and then Rodrigo gets annoyed, and Charlie says he has a weird name, and I don’t think Rodrgiois play-acting upset. ‘It is a Brazilian name. I am not strange. This is racist.’ Everyone’s laughing, but… I hate Charlie. What a waste of space – a gossipy, Geordie fishwife. Rodrigo is sad and tells Noirin. I WANT TO CUDDLE IT BETTER. Noirinis quite matter-of-fact about it. ‘Don’t take things personally. [People  can] piss off.’ So Rodrigo and Charlie go and cuddle and kiss. I wish he’d gone to the diary room and said he thought Charlie was a racist, though, just to see what would have happened. Later, Charlie ties a towel around the bathroom door so Rod, Sophie and Siavash are locked in. Charlie pretends BB has locked them in. ‘It’s very likely that we’ll die in this room. Let’s have a threesome,’ says Siavash. They don’t, by the way, and five minutes later are let out.

And now Sree is leaving. Hoorah. ‘Fucking hell!’ cries Karly, angrily, as his name is announced. How rude. ‘We can’t get rid of you,’ laughs Noirin, which is a much better way of saying it. ‘Sree was awful and aggressive,’ says Freddie, which probably won’t do him any favours in the house. ‘I think there was malice,’ says Marcus, and Noirin says Sree was a bitch, so in some ways, that clears the air. Lisa is quite upset, though.

Anyway, now it’s the traditional booze-up after eviction. Freddie is trying it on with Charlie, which is too evil to report. Charlie accuses him of fancying Rod, and then says that he has to be drunk to flirt with him. Impolite!

Kris and Charlie have stolen booze. What a surprise. They are such shits, those two. The other HMs know, though. They drink their cans in bed. Karly goes in and laughs. Rod comes in and is cross. ‘Give me, and I don’t tell,’ he says. Haha! (Also, Marcus and Noirin are actinglike a couple. It’s a bit weird, but I’ve noticed they’ve been doing this for a little while now. Hm.) Anyway, Marcus and Siavash realise the booze has gone (despite Marcus’s hiding-place being, according to him, ‘awesome’). He offers the theives a punch in the stomach as punishment, though a mocking punishment, not scary punishment. Kris agrees, to look hard, I guess, and Marcus punches him. This is brilliant. Charlie then pretends he wasn’t involved, so Charlie says Rod ahd soeof it, and Rod gets really angry, and throws things at him. This is all a bit mental. ‘Don’t talk to me! I’m not joking! How horrible you are! I saw him like a snake on the floor going to your drawer!’ Oh no. He’s one of these people who is funny when angry. This must be so frustrating for him. ‘I saw like a snake on the floor!’ he repeats outside. Anyway, then Charlie goes to the diary room and fake cries. ‘I’m really upset you know!’ he blubs. Anyway, he stays in there for OVER HALF AN HOUR. After, in the bedroom, Rodrigo goes and apologises to Charlie. Ah. It’ll all change tomorrow. Marcus wraps  Noirin in a duvet and says that everyone fancies her, including him, and she says she’s still attracted to her ex-boyfriend. OH DEAR. He assures her that he would only kiss her in the house, but, erm, it’s probably where the conversation should end. Oh, and Freddie tells Kris and Sophie that their relationship is a good gameplan. Oh, Freddie, please.Keep it to yourself (or vent it in the diary room) – but don’t tell people.

The Most Foregone Conclusion In The World?

Forget today’s Murray/Roddick semi-on, this is the real competition: Freddie Halfwit, the toff with no social skills VS Sree, the rapist stalker pervert pain in the arse from India. Based on the crowd – who cheer Freddie, not even a mix, but a proper cheer, and pantomime boo Sree (as he deserves) – it’s not even going to be close.

Incidentally, I think we’re being fair and unbiased here at BB Towers, but if you disagree, let us know and we’ll tell you to do one.

Words cannot express how much I hate Kris’ pink swimming trunks. They’re so fucking Top Shop, designed by pricks to be worn by pricks who might want to appear to be vaguely metrosexual when on a beach so that they can seduce teenagers who don’t know better. He mounts Sophie Dogface in the early seconds of the show, which is nice. Inside, ignoring this brutal frottage, the housemates do the shopping list. Sree is – surprise surcockingprise – annoying as all heck, which makes Marcus do an impression of Sree. Important: it was an impression of Sree, NOT a racist impression of Indian people. In the garden, Kris and Rodrigo and Karly spur Sree on to make a complaint about Marcus. Oh, whatever.

(Incidentally, I hate these flashmob adverts, and most of all, I hate the twunt that’s singing loudest in the Total Eclipse one. He deserves to be fucking neutered.)

Sree and Marcus argue and both tell each other to shut up. There, that wasn’t hard, was it? Apparently it was, because Channel 4 drag this out for five minutes. FIVE MINUTES. It does end with Marcus threatening Sree a bit more than might have been necessary, and Sree saying that he’ll put Marcus “in a prison, and (you) will eat the dog food for ten years.” Which is brilliant, as Sree apparently thinks that every single prison in the world is the black hole of Calcutta. Noirin then tells Sree to shut up, and everyone stays quiet. Freddie then tells Sree he went too far, and Lisa – who is, honestly, an absolute cunny of a human being – and Kris leap on him and tell him to shut up. Brilliant, thanks guys – you are going to make Freddie win this thing. It’s like they’re playing games and cheating a bit but have forgotten that we can see them cheat. Considering how aware they are of being on TV this year, it’s really very naive.

Then, Marcus gets all threateny to Big Brother. They accuse him of being a bit racist, and he tells them to “step back”. He’s right – Marcus wasn’t being racist, he was being a dickhead, and there is a difference. That’s fucking off by Big Brother. I understand that they’re covering their arses, but he’s right – if it had been Noirin, he would have done an arrogant Irish accent; if it was Karly, a drunken whorish Scottish one. It was Sree, so he did an impression of his irritatingly repetitive voice. Marcus gets very angry, but I think he’s right to – you can’t accuse somebody of being racist and expect them to not get angry if they’re not being.

(These Lucozade sponsor adverts are so dreadfully unfunny I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Kevin Bishop was behind them.)

Sree and Freddie then have a discussion about the gay gene, and how Siavash is dancing a line of ‘nearly-gay’. Siavash would sex Rodrigo if he had to, and Freddie would sex Siavash. Remember when Freddie said that he was gay? I do. Freddie then claims to be one of the most manly people he knows, and also the most feminine. I wonder how he thinks that he’s manly? Anyway, Marcus is then called into the Diary Room again, and reminded of the BB rules, chastised for his language earlier again. You can see him grit his teeth. Marcus’ slight suggestions of slight and vague threats are apparently enough to give him a proper telling off, or, as they call it, a formal warning. Any more and he’s taken out of the house. “Marcus, is there any more that you would like to say?” Big Brother asks, and Marcus nods. “Yes, you’re talking shit. Think about the words I’m saying. That is absolute bollocks.” I do think, a bit, that Marcus was being slightly threatening, but he didn’t physically touch the guy, and people are FULL of words in life with no intention of acting on it. Anyway, this is dull now, until Marcus claims that he could kill Sree with his eyebrow, and then it gets dull again. And it stays dull as people talk and talk and talk about it.

RIGHT, COME ON BIG BROTHER EDITORS, YOU AND ME, OUTSIDE, NOW, LET’S SORT OUT HOW FUCKING DULL THIS SHOW HAS BECOME!

Or not, because I was only saying.

(That Samsung advert that claims that waiting is dull but impatience is best? What they are really saying is that only twats use that phone, because every single one of the people in the “FUN!” section of the ad looks like an over-privileged and ignorant wanker that I wouldn’t be friends with if you paid. I certainly wouldn’t buy a phone that made me like them, now, would I?)

Sree then chats with Lisa and Karly about respect. AS IF THEY KNOW THE FUCKING MEANING. (Am I swearing more tonight? I don’t care.) And then Freddie calls the argument from earlier as he sees it: “It’s Sree’s massive ego attacking and defending. He doesn’t believe that Marcus was attacking him, he just wants to be right. He starts arguments by attacking people and then plays the victim. It’s awful, he’s awful!”

Freddie, ladies and gentlemen: THAT is why you should keep him in the house.

Anyway, Sree is evicted – 85% of the vote, which is a landslide – and then interviewed by Judy and Kelly Osbourne. Suddenly, Sree wasn’t the most irritating fuckhole in the room, as Kelly’s vacuous mouth spewed shit all over the audience. Incidentally, she clearly hadn’t been watching the show, as she didn’t know who Marcus was and couldn’t pronounce Noirin’s name, which just made her look ever worse. Thank God I don’t have to watch her for the next ten weeks, eh?

Well done…for nothing

The Italian task continues. (Of all tasks, seriously, what is this?) So Charlie and Kris are footballers in the garden. They are shit. Siavash does a bit of early morning voguing. He looks  so ridiculously tired. Freddie and Charlie are talking outside, and Lisa goes to sit with them for a cigarette, where she says she is not scheming against Freddie. ‘I am not bothered where you come from. My brother’s nearly a millionaire.’ She kicks off then. ‘You told people you’ve got a gameplan,’ says Karly, who has popped into the shitstorm. ‘He gonna make out he’s a victim,’ says Kris. I AM SO TIRED OF YOU FUCKS. We need some new housemates in here, pronto. This is BORING. ‘You’ve judged me wrong. Stay out of my face,’ says Lisa. I wish she’d stay out of mine.

So, seriously, when are they going to put new housemates in? Something got to change, and soon. They need a girl, I think – let’s find someone to annoy Karly, please. And for Kris to moon over so we can all see what a prick he truly is. Thanks.

Also, Sree and Sophie are failing their task miserably, because it capitalises on all that Sree is bad at: listening. ‘If we don’t win, who cares,’ says Sree, and Lisa randomly calls out ‘Well done.’ Why? He’s done nothing well for all of his life, I’d wager. But because the ice creamers know they’ve failed, they’re going to eat the ice cream. They all gannet over it, so BB plays Siavash’s music so he has to go and pose, rather than eat, and they make the footballers go out and goal celebrate.

Noirin and Marcus have a painting task, and paint their masterpieces in the task room. Marcus’ picture is actually pretty good; Noirin’s is not. Their paintings are competing with a picture painted by a six year old. Haha! Marcus gets good criticism on his. ‘I’m not sure what the intention of this one was,’ the assessor says of the child’s picture. In fact, he says it’s like a kid’s picture. Finally, he looks at Noirin’s. ‘It’s surreal, poster-like, funny.’ Hm. Anyway, Marcus wins, and Noirin comes second. Marcus is chuffed.

Idiots Sophie and Karly think that Sree won’t go tomorrow, as ‘he hasn’t done anything.’ Even if he doesn’t go tomorrow (which he will), he has done far too many irritating things to mention. Karly herself always says how Sree is like a broken record. FFS. But in the bedroom, Noirin and Marcus discuss that they want Sree to go – and with good reason. Freddie is still raking over the ashes of Karly’s strop yesterday. I am absolutely amazed at how many people seem to like Karly. She’s very spiteful, and, I’d imagine, unpleasant to live with. I’d much rather live with Noirin or Sophie. Anyway, as Karly strops off AGAIN, Sophie says to Freddie that she thinks he sits next to Lisa just to wind her up. ‘It’s like you make a point of annoying people,’ says Karly. She also pretends that Freddie didn’t tell her that her singing was slow yesterday, even though we all saw that he did tell her. Then Lisa gets her big fat oar in and repeats pretty much what Karly said. ‘He wants to drag me down!’ Lisa shouts. Charlie also gets involved, because he loves it. UGH. I am not reporting any more of this. I’ll put it this way: Freddie is annoying, but Karly is spiteful and Lisa a shit-stirrer. Charlie is a gossip. I don’t think Freddie is mean, which is something I could accuse many housemates of. Oh, and Charlie and Rodrigo have a fight, and Charlie hurts him, and he is sad. Oh, it’s like treading on a kitten. Too sad for me. Then there is some diary room guff, and then that’s it! Eviction tomorrow!

I Worried About Social Standing And Prestige.

Nom nom nom nom. Charlie’s first up, and he nominated Freddie Halfwit, because he’s too dense to move away and nominate somebody else, and Siavash, because he screams. Also, apparently, he’s a certain way with the ladies. Sree, not yet nominating, is working his way around the house, talking to women, and being a bit weird. Everybody hates him now, it seems. Marcus then stares at Noirin’s back, where she had a tattoo on the small. “I like your tattoo,” he says, and she asks him if they’re called a tramp-stamp. “Yes,” he says, but then tells her that, because she has Chinese letters, it’s not a tramp-stamp. Karly’s, which is “generic tribal,” however, is.

Halfwit nominates Sree for leaving, and seems really angry. He also nominates Lisa, because she’s a game-player and, he thinks, not a very nice person. I actually agree with him. I’m at this point where I think that Halfwit is a pillock, but a harmless pillock, and he’s actually very observant when he wants to be. (Of course, he’s also desperate for attention, but that’s life.) Sree then tells Karly that if he goes into noms and says the wrong names, it “comes to karma, know what I mean?” “No,” says Karly. It doesn’t come to Karma, and it fucks me off that he think it could. Sree, if you’re nominated – which you will be – it’s because you’re a creepy little stalker. And then, triumph of triumphs, Noirin noms Sree! “Easy or hard?” he asks when she leaves the diary room. “Hard, really hard,” she says. Sree goes into the bedroom and talks to himself. “For me also darling, it’s really hard, but we need to do this,” he says. W. T. F?

Now, a transcription of a conversation between Kris and Sophie Dogface:

Sophie: It reminds me of those things off Doctor Who – Congestors, Congettals, Philippines, Jetters, Jettis.

Kris: Jedi.

Sophie: Jedis.

Kris: How do you say Philippines and Jedis, and get them muddled up?

Sophie: I was getting there, the P. Philippines, Jettines.

Kris: Philippines is with an F.

Sophie: Is it?

Kris: Yeah.

Sophie: Oh.

Big Bother: Great, fuck off and marry each other, and breed a little army of big titted idiots.

Anyway, back to normal service. Noirin moans about people doing things for her, because Marcus wants to do things for her. “You do realise how beautiful you are, don’t you?” he asks, and then asks how many people stop cars to let ugly women cross the road. Noirin then moans some more about being beautiful, and wanting to use her personality more. Must be hard, being pretty, eh? Sree then nominates Marcus (whatever, predictable) and – he apologises! – NOIRIN! Remember how much he loved her a week ago? Wow.

Then, Charlie and Kris go into the diary room, and exchange a token for booze. They then ask for ALL the alcohol that evening, and won’t drink anything for the next few times. Nobody seems angry that they swapped the token without asking permission, at least not to their faces. Then Charlie and Kris jump across the pool, from side to side, not falling in the water, and Noirin tells Sree to do it. She wants him to fall in, but he doesn’t. Anyway, people then quietly moan about the token, and blah blah blah. Sree then makes a bet that he can run an arbitrary distance in a race against Siavash and he doesn’t, so he loses his rights to beer next time around, and then LOSES HIS RAG. He runs to Lisa to proclaim cheating, starts trying to call shenanigans etc. So then it’s double or nothing, and Sree drags the whole house out to watch them run. Sree then claims that double or nothing counts for nothing, and grins and is a bit weird. “I want my four cans,” Siavash says. “You worried about 4 into £1.50 cans, I worried about social standing and prestige. You have nothing, thankyou, goodnight,” Sree then says. (What a cock.)

Anyway, Freddie and Sree are up for eviction, so Friday will SURELY be the last we see of the neediest man in the UK.