2! 1! A Chat About The Final!

Lady Bother: So, I am very unexcited

Lord Bother: I am

Lord Bother too. UGH MIKEY RACHEL WHAT A FUCKING PALAVER

Lady Bother: I know. What a pointless Lord Botherss

Lord Bother: This is so underwhelming

Lady Bother: I like Davina’s dress though

I know

Lord Bother: She looks like a sparkly curtain

Lady Bother: Ha! I like ot

Lord Bother: You would

Lady Bother: They are both being booed!

This is a joke

Lord Bother: I’ve never known a final where the winner is just as hated as they are loved

Lady Bother: Nope. This really should be the last series of BB. We’ve had enough now

This proves it

Lord Bother: Yeah.

And this bit here – with Sara leaving – this is just desperately unexciting, right?

Lady Bother: Yes, and also sad because she doesn’t deserve to lose to that pair of twats

At least she is cheered, though

Lord Bother: Do you love her top?

Lady Bother: YES! But she has worn it every eviction night, so it is not a surprise

Still, I like it

Lord Bother: No. It’s like an old chum

She keeps making little whimpering noises.

Lady Bother: Yes. I hope something nice happens to Sara. I know she was weird with Darnell at the end, but I think she is the least exacting/most naive of this year’s bunch

Lord Bother: Above Kat? Have you bought into the ‘Kat is a schemer” thing?

Lady Bother: No, but Kat will do well whatever, you know? Whereas without BB, perhaps Sara would not have done

Lord Bother: True.

But she’s a PA! What a difficult job!

Lady Bother: I don’t know. I think I’m being overly sympathetic because I like her dress

Lord Bother: Ha!

I hate this singing banker.

He’s got such a Lord Botherdiocre voice.

And I hate that CG bit with him on the ship

Lady Bother: Me. And Howard on the surf board. Well, now it’s the ad break I can tell you my news

Lord Bother: Yes?

Lady Bother: I am going to audition for BB (if they ever make another series)

Lord Bother: HA HA HA!

Lady Bother: It’s true. It would solve all my problems. Anyway, back to Sara

God, I love hre voice

Darnell is shouting at her! What’s he saying?

Lord Bother: Watching Sara lead Darnell on is fun

Lady Bother: Ha, that VT was a bit sad, yeah?

Never mind, I’m sure I’ll see Darnell falling out of Chinawhites with Rex in the near future

He doesn’t need Sara

Lord Bother: Sara is breaking Darnell’s heart right here.

Lady Bother: Yes

But I do hate the way Davina always goes down this sort of shitty romance track in interviews

There’s loads more stuff she could ask her

Lord Bother: I know. They’re so desperate for romances! God knows why.

MIKEY IS THE FUNNIEST GUY?!?!

HA HA!

Lady Bother: I wonder if it’s just Davina’s ‘streetmate’ instinct

What are you laughing at? That she wants Mikey to win>

Lord Bother: No, the concept of him being funny, in any way.

Lady Bother: HA!

But that guide dog joke was funny, right? RIGHT?

Lord Bother: Ha. No.

I love that Sara thinks she has a funny voice.

Lady Bother: I know, her voice is like a weird dream

Lord Bother: “I WAS NOT A HAPPY CAMPER!”

Lady Bother: HA!

Do you think it was winning that £25 K that swung her into 3rd place, rather than 1st?

Lord Bother: She has such a big mouth. A mouth like a slashed handbag, my dad would say.

Lady Bother: That’s why she looks like Angelina, obv

Lord Bother: I don’t think it was the cheque that swung it: I think it was not being BRITISH. Seriously.

Lady Bother: Yeah, that did cross my mind, although Nadia was Portuguese. Anyway: the winner!

I am so unexcited

Lord Bother: WHO WILL IT BE OH GOD I CANNOT WAIT.

Lady Bother: OH

Lord Bother: Dear fucking christ.

How did that happen?

Lady Bother: WTF has gone wrong with the world?

I have actually thrown up a little bit into my mouth

Lord Bother: She’ll be booed as well!

Lady Bother: She’ll be booed to fuck

Lord Bother: I have a shit a little in my pants.

Lady Bother: Oh well, good thing she won given that she’ll never be allowed to teach again!

Lord Bother: 2 Housemates 1 Cup: They make us eat shit, forcing us to vomit.

Lady Bother: HA

Lord Bother: AND WE LAP IT UP.

Lady Bother: Ugh, why is Mikey being cheered?

Lord Bother: Oh, no boos at all!

Very disappointing.

Lady Bother: Yes

Lord Bother: I don’t know if I’m happy he didn’t win or not.

Lady Bother: I hate this series, and I hate that I have wasted over 91 hours or maybe even more of my life watching this

I do think this is clearly the worst series since Cameron Stout won

Lord Bother: Ha! I know. We’ve been here for 91 days doing this. What could we have spent that time doing instead?

Lady Bother: HA!
I have many ideas

Lord Bother: We could have written a hit BBC coLord Botherdy series like 2 Pints of Lager.

Or that Jasper Carrot one with the Indian wife and disabled son. I’ll bet that took them this amount of time.

Lady Bother: Or become nano celebs in our own rights, and have had people writing shit about us in magazines

Lord Bother: Interesting thing number BLAH: I haven’t actually gotten too bored with those Virgin Mobile idents. They aren’t too offensive.

Lady Bother: Hm. I think they’re shit

Lord Bother: ANOTHER GORILLA ADVERT!

Ha! Cadbury’s are storking the barel.

Lady Bother: I know. Exactly the same footage and concept. Well done

We could have done that in 91 seconds

The other one was only funny because Phil Collins looks like a gorrilla

Lord Bother: Yeah. They did another one in the interim that wasn’t with a gorilla and nobody liked it so they’ve gone back to this, but it’s much worse than the first one.

Lady Bother: Yes

Oh no, and now they are putting the other one on!

Lord Bother: And another one?

Lady Bother: What is this? The worst day ever? Bad BB, bad adverts. Where’s Kevin Bishop when you need him?

Lord Bother: I can oonly assume that Cadbury booked this entire slot.

Kevin Bishop? Dead, hopefully.

Lady Bother: Ha, or trapped in Natwest wordl

He has done a new advert with them. I saw it today

Lord Bother: Or maybe he’s been kidnapped by soLord Bother of our overzealous comLord Bothernters.

Lady Bother: God, he’s talented

Yeah!

Lord Bother: Yeah. He’s 28, and the adverts he filmed before he was famous weren’t actually filmed then, but are filmed now for the cash. Good on him.

Lady Bother: Yes, he is clearly one to watch

Lord Bother: I think, on this advert about sex ed, it’s 2 girls 1 cup that the parents get shown as an example of their children’s tastes in porn.

Lady Bother: Yes! I meant to say that to you earlier, but I fogrot

Haha, Rachel is already getting booed

Lord Bother: Mikey is a disaster.

Lady Bother: He is wrong

Lord Bother: He isn’t even looking at Davina as she talks to him!

OH WAITS

Lady Bother: I wish I’d watched Eastenders tonight instead

Lord Bother: Me too. Instead I have to wait for Sunday.

Lady Bother: Humoh

It’s better than this toss

How did we put up with it for so long>

Lord Bother: Mikey watching his best bits is really uncomfortable.

Lady Bother: Yes

He is the only one who finds himself hirarious

Ugh, Davina, he is NOT a legend

Lord Bother: It’s hateful.

Lady Bother: No wonder he’s on warnings at work

Lord Bother: Alec? Who the fuck is Alec?

Oh, Alex. MOOOOSLIM.

Lady Bother: Hahaha, I’ve been living next door to Alec

Lord Bother: I love Mikey talking about his big storylines.

Lady Bother: He is so arrogant, never mind Rex

Everyone is chanting ‘greedy Mo’!

HAha

Lord Bother: Ha! Greedy Mo is like a Meme!

Brilliant.

Lady Bother: Yes

I love it

Lord Bother: MIkey things he’s going to get some from Rachel.

Lady Bother: UGH

Lord Bother: SEXY WELSH STUNNA RACHEL

Lady Bother: That is the worst possible coupling in the world. Even worse than Katona and Jpn Lithgoe

Lord Bother: Katona and Jon Lithgow?!?!

What?

Lady Bother: Yes. It was the worst thing I could think of. That, or Nasty Nick Bateman and Edie Falco

Lord Bother: UGHHH

Lady Bother: Yes

Lord Bother: What about Mikey and Katona?

Lady Bother: Except Katona/Lithgow hasn’t happened. Yet. Katona would def. do Mikey, though

Lord Bother: FUCK! Rachel took 51.3% of the vote!

How did that happen?!

Lady Bother: What, the over 50% vote?

Lord Bother: No, the total final vote. 51.3%

It wasn’t even close.

Lady Bother: Yes, sorry. No, it’s a joke

Lord Bother: Oh. Sorry.,

Lady Bother: Why is she holding the cup as she leaves?

Lord Bother: 2 Girl.

Lady Bother: HA

You are obsessed!

Lord Bother: Gently.

Kat is clapping violently.

Lady Bother: How horrid for you

Lord Bother: I hope Rachel falls down the stairs

Lady Bother: No such luck

Lord Bother: Do you know what’s unfair? That she’s £100,000 richer and we’re both really poor.

Lady Bother: Yes. She’s won all that money for nothing at all

She wasn;t interesting, funny, or entertaining

Lord Bother: Nope.

Lady Bother: She was the Cameron Stout, as you said

A pointless and featureless housemate, who liked grapes

Lord Bother: Oh, speak of the Kevin Bishop devil.

Bloody Natwest.

Lady Bother: Oh, do you know what? if there is a BB next year, I don’t think I’ll watch

Lord Bother: No, you’ll be on it.

Lady Bother: I am actually angry

Lord Bother: Lord Bother too.

But then, for the result we cannot blame the BB Producers: we should blame the idiots who voted.

Lady Bother: Yes, but it’s not just that. In all honesty, there were only a handful of housemates who I wouldn’t have minded winning, but I had few strong feelings about it

That’s not the way it should be

Lord Bother: Yeah, but you liked Dennis, let’s not forget.

Lady Bother: Haha, he was quite funny

But my point is it’s bad casting

Lord Bother: Rachel is such a prat.

Lady Bother: I knoq

Lord Bother: Oh, so it was neck and neck with Mikey thenm

Lady Bother: Even so

Lord Bother: I am slightly satisfied, though: this is a win for God, don’t forget.

Lady Bother: HA! Oh, she hasn’t really had a difficult time. Why is Davina making such a meal of this?

I bet Mario is cross

Lord Bother: Yeah. I hope he storms the stage Rambo style and tears her head off.

Lady Bother: ha! We can but dream

Lord Bother: I love Mario and Lisa’a slightly matching outfits.

Lady Bother: Ha! And Lisa’s leopard top

“Were you being the real you?” Honest answer: no

Lord Bother: Well, we know she wasn’t.

Lady Bother: I knoq

Lord Bother: I love that Luke think she’s just fulfilled her gameplan.

Lady Bother: Haha. Luke was right though. If you don’t cause a storm, you won’t be put up for eviction, so the public can’t get you out

Lord Bother: What an exciting interview!

That was thrilling.

Lady Bother: I am so bored I might go and google two girls, one cup

Lord Bother: HA!

Rachel’s best bits are like watching filmed BLAND

Lady Bother: Well, things will look up when I’m on BB next year!

Lord Bother: Also, who says Bestest?

Lady Bother: Wankers

Lord Bother: True dat.

Baddy Bs

Lady Bother: HA!

So, do you feel relieved that it’s over?

Lord Bother: YEah.

Lady Bother: Lord Bother too

Lord Bother: Now I don’t need to stay up until 11.

This is reminding Lord Bother how great the first couple of weeks were.

Lady Bother: Yes! In was thinking the same

These highlights make it look like it was a good programme

Lord Bother: UGH I AM SO SICK OF SEEING BEX NAKED

Why bring that back and don’t show Lord Bother Dem Girlz? What’s the point?!

Lady Bother: HA! Stop googling it, then

Lord Bother: I’m not googling it: It’s burned into my retina

Lady Bother: Whatever

So, what was your favourite moment of this year’s BB?

Lord Bother: Lisa talking about ghosts/aliens/psychics

Yours?

Lady Bother: OMG my tv has crashed

Lord Bother: HA HA!

How apt.

Lady Bother: APT

My fave moment was when Lisa told the ghost story and they threw a cushion at the bedroom window

HAHAHA

Lord Bother: Yeah, that was awesome

Lady Bother: It was the best

BESTEST

Lord Bother: Right, well, I think that’s it, yeah? Anything to say to our lovely readers?

Lady Bother: Um, that if anyone knows why Darnell was wearing an eye patch yesterday, leave us a comment

And thanks for reading

We know how hard it’s been to watch this pile of shit

Let alone read about it as well

Lord Bother: Yeah, we hope you all appreciate what we went through to do this.

Lady Bother: Yeah. Thanks, though

Lord Bother: (Having said that, I’d love to write the official BB blog on the website: Producers, get in touch. We’ll do an AMAZING job.)

Lady Bother: True dat

Lord Bother: I’ll repeat this for posterity, to close this off: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, Rachel. Dear God.

Lady Bother: Yup. OH, god, we will see you next year. Sleep well on that.

5! 4! 3!

The final episode! I’m screaming so loudly I’ll bet that you all – all of you, smallest audience of Big Brother ever – can hear me from your homes. We’re down to five – you know them all – and they’ll be leaving the house tonight. Finish. No more. Kaput. Davina welcomes some ex-housemates to the stage. Steph, who wears leather trousers and gets boos. Sylvia, who wears a frilly dress and gets boos. Jen, who gets booed. Mario, who gets booed. Belinda, who elicits no reaction. Bex, who gets booed. Maysoon, who gets no reaction. Luke, who has shit hair, confirms that he and Bex are dating, and gets booed. Dale, who gets cheers, and confirms that he and Jen aren’t going out any more. Stuart, cheers, Nicole, huge boos. HUGE. Lisa, huge cheers (and there, but for the grace of God, goes your winner). Mo Mohammed, boos, and Kat, a hearty mixture. Phew. Quite a list. Where’s Dennis? And Mooooslim? I’m assuming that the boos would have been so loud they feared for the very foundations of the studio.

Anyway, as to the report from yesterday: It begins with Sara singing Dem Girlz! YES! THANK GOD! Listen, producers: if his Best Bits aren’t to the tune of Dem Girlz, I will revolt. Apparently, Mikey came to the BB house to watch it. You could have stayed at home, Mikey. Easily. Then I wouldn’t have had to listen to you for night on 100 days. What the frak happened to Darnell’s eye? He has a patch on it. Why did we not see that? Is this like when Darnell broke the mug in the sink when he was angry? Rex then makes a toast to his father, for moulding him into the person he is today. Yeah, thanks Rex’s dad. THANKS. Rachel does a toast and it’s shit and dull, clearly. Mikey does one (and he can do one, he really can), insults Rex and jabs his tongue up Rachel’s arse. Sara’s speech is dull, but delivered in her cracked vase of a voice, so all is okay, and Darnell talks about respect and “nuttin’ but love for y’all”. But really, what the funk happened to his eye?

Gosh, Rex has a repugnant pair of silver shoes. Really horrid. Rex complains about the alcohol, or lack of it. “Do you really need alcohol to have fun?” asks Rachel. I Will Always Love You comes on the stereo, and Rachel and Sara ruin/enhance it with their shiteous voices. “Can we listen to the song, please?” asks Rex. He looks really sad. SAD FACE. DOUBLE SAD FACE, actually, as Rachel does that shit thing during the “I wish you joy and happiness” line of the song where she shouts the word Joy really loudly. Ugh.

So! Let’s find out who is in fifth place, eh? (I predict Rex.) It is…

DARNELL! 

Madness. Didn’t see that one coming at all. I am so confused. Frankly, all of us here at BB Towers are. Who the grok is voting for this thing? Darnell leaves, gets some boos, picks up Davina and, as he puts her down, grabs her arse. I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. In his interview we discover that his mic is not working. Darnell has apparently never seen Davina before, which is fascinating. He must have never watched this. (Maybe because he’s only partially sighted?) Now, they show Sara on the screen and she gets huge boos. WHAT THE CLUCK IS GOING ON? There’s a chat about spoons, which I think is some sort of sexual metaphor, but who knows. Next, we talk about Darnell’s being nasty to Sara, and blah blah. Darnell talks about having love for himself, which I think is onanism. During his interview there is not one single mention of Dem Girlz. -1, Big Brother Editors.

And now, in fourth place (I predict Sara)…

REX!

The top three is really Mikey, Sara and Rachel? Jesus. Says a lot about this year’s BB, eh? Rex gets huge boos – no surprise there – and acts like he doesn’t care. We all know he loves validation. Poor Rex. Or not. He poses for photos by popping his collar like a twunt. “Nicole I love you!” Rex says at the start of his interview, and gets booed for it. So he boos the crowd. Then they show a video of him winding people up. He gets more boos. Rex is far posher in this interview than he is in the house. Brillo pads. Davina is curiously harsh and difficult to him. I don’t think she likes him. Anyway, after his best bits, we find out who is in third place. (I predict Sara.)

And it is…

SARA! This is turmoil here at BB towers! One of us had her pegged for the winner! So, whatever happens the winner is an almighty dullard. This is like Cameron Cocking Stott all over again. For an hour,everything is put on pause for an episode of Ugly Betty. At least it isn’t The Kevin Bishop show.

One More Day to Go, One More Day of Sorrow

Can you believe it? Just one day left. And god, it’s been a slog. Do you think this series has been the worst ever? Most people I have spoken to think so, although some have said they’ve still enjoyed watching it, even though they don’t like the housemates. These latter people clearly have no idea about the purpose of Big Brother. Rachel is crying in the bedroom because Kat has gone. It is sad, I know – Kat was very upset, which was upsetting in itself – but still. Get on with it, like. Well, Rex hasn’t enjoyed being a housemate. Oh dear! Pity you’re in the final, then! Rex tells Mikey and Rachel his hair is strawberry blond, which I think it is. “Strawberry blond my dick!” says Darnell.

Then BB plays crowd noise into the house “on a whim”, according to Marcus. “If I go, don’t pack shit,” says Darnell. “I didn’t even took a shower yet, you pricks!” says Darnell, like a true American. Then BB speaks. “Darnell, please stand up. Michael, please stand up. Rachel, please stand up. Rex, please stand up. Sara, please stand up… You are the remaining five housemates. BB would like to congratulate you and wish you luck for the final.” Hm. There was great wit in that, right? Sara screams a lot. “That was cruel!”

Now they have a task. They have to perform a rap about their time in the house. If they pass, they will be allowed to watch one full episode of this year’s series. They’ll probably be bored to sleep, but maybe that’s the idea. “Try to get into the groove of it,” Mikey advises Rachel, unhelpfully. Then he starts going on about “Mr Fishy”, though I have idea why. Sara’s rap practice is hirarious, and better than her singing by quite some way. (I always remember Rex asking her what put men off most about her. “Is it the voice?” he said. I laughed for about an hour.) Anyway, Darnell’s rap is really good, of course. Rex is really getting into it. “House full of cookie love, house full of baddy Bs” is the refrain (what is a baddy B?). Oh god, Rachel’s rap makes me want to cry. “As I walked into the Big Brother house I felt as lucky as a mouse.” Hm. Mikey’s is weird: he just shouts and goes on about “someone trying to murder me”. I am looking forward to Sara’s. It is so funny. She is off beat, her voice like a terrible, horrific foghorn. “I was not a happy camper!” she shouts, several times. Rex starts off really well, sounding like he’s doing a hirarious Will Smith impression, but then loses it in the middle.

Later, Sara asks Rex what happens at the final. She clearly, out of all of them, has not watched much or any Big Brother before. “It was hard today, this morning, waking up,” says Rachel in the diary room, still going on about missing Kat. Anyway, they pass the rap task, which means that they are allowed to watch an episode of BB. They pick from three episodes: when they enter the house, when they do the shock task, or when they do the cops and robbers task. Cops and robbers wins. I remember that episode. Oh yes. With Dale sneaking about with the token. Anyway, they are given fizzy  drinks and the episode comes on. Stu and Luke are being mean about Rachel. She looks confused, but laughs. Then the line-up with Nicole comes on. “So beautiful,” says Rex, as she appears. Rex nearly cries as he watches himself go on about Nicole in the diary room. “That’s amazing,” says Rex, as the episode comes to a close. Was it? Well, it wasn’t that interesting, watching them watch it. “That was the bomb!” yells Darnell.

“I don’t look very good on camera,” says Rex. “I don’t think I do, either,” says Sara. “I can’t wait to fix myself up.” I don’t know what she’s referring to – maybe Darnell’s comments about her having “small titties” have been playing on her mind. Rex opens his vintage champagne outside, while Mikey eats a Flake in bed. “I’m so glad to have made it to the end,” says Rachel. YES, I BET. She don’t deserve it, no doubt. Darnell rolls about under a blanket with Sara while singing The Automatic but changing the words to “is it a swallow”, which I think is dubious. “You should feel very good, leaving here,” says Darnell. “You’re clumsy as fuck, you can’t sing at all…” but Rex cuts him up by flapping the blanket. “There is spooning going on!” shouts Rex. Later, Darnell tries to do an impression of Geordie Marcus, but fails. Then Darnell examines Sara’s nails. “Can you guys stop being weird?” says Rex. THEN DARNELL SINGS DEM GIRLS. You remember Dem Girls, right? It’s amazing. Sara seems happy. “Ooh. I’m going to bed,” she says, which sounds dodgy. Then they hug. Darnell looks very happy. “You  two are weird,” Rex says. “Any time you have a drink you’re all over each other,” he says.

In the diary room, Mikey says “Next week, I won’t be on TV.” He seems to think every episode is full of “excitement”, which is clearly a joke. Darnell and Rex are talking about Sara. “I’ve been with Sara so long now that I’m comfortable,” says Darnell, as if they were married. “Keep it as friends,” advises Rex, master of relationships. (This is a joke, too.)  HO! SO ONLY ONE DAY TO GO! WHO WINS? Please not Mikey. For all our sakes.

(Not) Everybody Loves Darnell. And Rex. And Sara. And…

Gosh, Mikey’s blanket is lovely and brown, isn’t it? It looks ever so comfy. Darnell is fascinated by what people – specifically, blind Mikey, who is untouchable due to his “milking” (Darnell’s word) of his blindness – can get away with saying to other people. Well, aren’t we all, Darnell? I have to question how Mikey is still here, how he’s the odds-on favourite with every single bookies in the land to win. 

So, Rex reads out a Big Brother missive saying that they will all be dressing up as each other and, essentially, engaging in one gigantic mocking session for the rest of the day. The Darnell Piss-Take hour is up first, and the housemates all get shirts with DON’T LABEL ME on them, and short blonde afro wigs. This can only end really well, right? (We know how it ends: it ends with a surprise eviction, and floods of tears. Oh, boo hoo hoo.) So, in imitating Darnell, everyone shouts and rants and sings Cookie Love – I haven’t heard Dem Girlz yet, but I live in hope – and Kat’s impression is littered with wonderfully evocative swearing. Darnell runs around and acts weird, like a psychiatrist talking to himself, watching himself out of his body. “I learned that I have a big bad potty mouth,” Darnell says. No shit.

Impersonations of Mikey include goggles to make them blind, leopard-print jackets and blind sticks. During the impersonations, Mikey rolls around on the floor, and Rex mocks Mikey for fancying Rachel, which he clearly does. Everyone shouts “For fuck’s sake!” and bumps into things on purpose, and then Mikey goes into the garden and seems to have a fit, collapsing with laughter. Don’t know how he can see then to find them so funny: he’s blind, remember? 

Next up: Katreya impressions. Everyone sings “Happy House” over and over, and Darnell does a very witty impression that makes her sound crack addled. It’s a pretty single-levelled impression, but she’s an easy character. As is Rex. Everyone wears lovely white tracksuits and ginger wigs and blind and talks about how much money they have and how many restaurants they own. Oh, and Nicole. And cigarettes. And the cost of trousers. Rex is surprised that he always puts a price to things. “I suppose I am quite materialistic,” he says. “What sparkles makes me happy.” Which doesn’t explain Nicole. He’s annoyed at the ginger wigs. Huh. 

Oh, Rachel. The Sun described her, today, as WELSH BEAUTY. Really? Really?? To impersonate her everyone talks softly and sits quietly and doesn’t do anything. Mikey throws chickpeas everywhere, which is  just idiotic, and isn’t something that Rachel has ever done. As Rex says, it isn’t like he has to clean it up. Anyway, whilst impersonating Mo Mohammed the housemates get to listen to and sing along to Meatloaf. Now, we viewers know this is the moment that the eviction happens. It’s lovely to see them having such a good time. Their faces when the eviction is revealed is priceless! So, we’ve seen this: Bye Mo! I’ll forget about you pretty quickly! Darnell cries and apologises for nothing and then swats at a chair. And then he has to run to the loo to dry his face with toilet paper! Bless him. I like him again today. How will he react when Kat is booted? We’re about to see.

“Enough Big Brother enough, please,” says Kat, and then her names gets announced. “Please, no Big Brother, no,” weeps Rachel, like Kat is being sent off to be hanged. We should hang the contestants, actually. The winner gets some money, the losers a brutal form of corporal punishment. Darnell, for his part, sits on the floor and weeps. This is how they were at Auschwitz, you know? It’s very similar, and utterly comparable in terms of emotional resonance. Years from now people will visit this studio, stand in the middle, listen to the silence and the sounds of the ghosts and just thank God that they never had to go through anything like this for themselves. “I swear on my mother’s life I love you, Kat,” Darnell says, which is quaintly touching, actually. Everything else about this has been utterly pathetic. It isn’t until she goes that we see what they are really worried about: “Even Kat gets fucking boos!” says Rex, and that’s the crux of their real emotions: how far this goes for themselves.

“Who would have thought this combination, guys?” asks Mikey, about the final 5, and I have to agree with him. Never would have called this week 1. “I’m shocked Rachel out-did Katreya,” says Rex. So are the rest of us, Rex. Suddenly the housemates all realise that they could win this, and the talk turns to money. “Some people didn’t come in to win,” says MIkey, suggesting that he didn’t, but he’s lying. You do only go on BB to win, whether you say that or not. It’s a gameshow, lest we forget. Oh, it’s time for the Sara impersonation task… But we don’t get to see any of it. Not a jot, apart from the remnants of the costume – a black dress. Instead, we see them eating doughnuts which look delicious.

Darnell has a heart to heart with Sara, feels bad for hyping her to thinking she might win, and manages to get a hug out of it. Good one, D. Rachel, who is suffering PTSD apparently, sits in the Diary Room and talks about Kat leaving. “Why am I still here when she’s gone?” Apparently, she’s a mother who lost her child too soon in a made-for-TV movie. Well done Rachel. Rex has decided he’s going to entertain to win this, as he “owes it to the public.” You don’t have to owe me anything, Rex: Feel free to kill yourself now, and we’ll call it quits. Darnell is the happiest he’s ever been in the house due to this: “I don’t need no money, dude,” he says to Rex, “people like me.” 

Two days to go. Two more days. Two more days.

Master ARGH my computer died, and the eviction’s not till later

What’s this I spy coming towards me this evening? It’s an eviction. Because, you know, as a series gets older, it starts to do strange things in the night. That was an erection joke, by the way. I’m sorry. Because the housemates don’t know, Davina has to stand in silence as she goes on about DEs (double evictions – a penetrations joke!). The housemates inside are all wearing long black wigs, although we have not yet been enlightened as to why.

So, the highlights of yesterday begin with an argument about cigarettes. Mo took more than both Sara and Rex, and now Sara has none. “You’re greedy, Mo,” says Sara. “Yeah, I’m greedy,” he says, and runs round doing a weird dance. “It took you eighty something days to say it… Yeah, I’m greedy.” But the argument dissipates a little, and then Sara goes to make morning coffees and has to ask Mo how sugar cubes work, and it’s all OK. Then Mikey walks around in Sara’s sleeping mask which the boys find fascinating because it’s from Ann Summers. “Are you into bondage?” Rex asks her. Do you know what I’m thinking? I think you do.

In the diary room, Rachel goes on about how much she likes Disney, so she is not offended by being called a Disney character. Good. Then she comes out and sings the Beauty and the Beast theme tune while Mo sleeps. Then Mo wants some nail polish and Darnell gets stung by a wasp. Why? Because wasps are spiteful.

As we cut back to the housemates, they are all wearing Afro wigs and Kat appears to be blacking up. I really wish I knew what was going on. I also hope Kat doesn’t get evicted tonight as who would want to leave with greasepaint all over them? Anyway, back to yesterday. Rex is doing a cookery masterclass for the housemates, and he must teach them to cook steak and souffle (in pairs). His instructions are remarkably clear, although he gets irate when other housemates talk over him. Sara finds the word ‘blanch’ hirarious. “What branch mean?” asks Kat. Oh dear. Anyway, Mo and Sara’s food looks very nice indeed. Rex says it’s “perfect” and is impressed, which means it must be bloody good, I reckon. Darnell and Kat’s looks dodgy. “He look like he very impressed!” says Kat, sarcastically. “Your mash is lumpy. It looks like it has foreign objects in there.” Haha, better put downs than Simon Cowell, that’s fo sho. Anyway, Mo and Sara win. Then he sits about jiggling his leg asking Nicole for a cuddle. EVIL. BB Rodney gives Mo and Sara spoon trophies. “I am speechless,” says Mo. They get booooooooooooooze as a reward.

OOOH. A vote reading is taking place right now. Hoorah. Who is your money on? But before that, the last bit of yesterday’s highlights. Rachel tells Rex she nominated him last week because she didn’t like the way he was with Nicole. So, of course, he gets really irate and tries to be offensive by calling her a “dreamer”. How disgusting. Then  Darnell sings a sex song into Sara’s ear and dances on her bum. Rex asks Mikey if he think he’ll win. LET’S HOPE NOT.

And, in an hour, we will know.

Something I Knocked Out Whilst Watching Today’s BB.

Katreya and Rex have discussion today

About Sara’s job, which is of PA,

“I could not do it!” Young Kat then proclaims,

And Rex likens cooking to flying large planes.

Then Rex and Sara put lit cigs in their lips,

And Sara makes a big Freudian slip,

“Oh Stuart,” she says, when Darnell was meant,

And then she worries her love life is spent.

In the posh bedroom blind Mikey sings Drury,

And Rachel sings too, but sounds very dreary,

Whilst in the lounge, house head Mo has naps,

And blames it on Rex when BB attacks.  

“Get off of your bed!” Mo shouts at blind Mikey,

“What a shit head of house,” yells Sara, “and Crikey! 

To be head of house is something I crave!

And all I must do is act like a slave!”

Alongside Thai Kat they must wear uniforms,

And do everything with no glimpse of scorn,

And wait on the others not dressed as French Maids,

With no pension plan, and no penny of pay.

Kat covers the chicken in gluttons of salt,

Pouring and pouring, but it’s not her fault,

She isn’t a chef! She only likes cookies!

(And, looking at her, between the legs nookie!)

Now ex-head of house all give little speeches,

And Rex’s insults Mo Mohammed, impeaches

His reign as the head, and calls him so greedy,

But Mo as we know is just very needy,

He takes food as replacement for starving affections,

And nobody listens when he makes reparations.

Rachel, the teacher, discuss the leaves,

And how little spiders use them as reprieve 

From the terrible rain that’s pouring outside, 

And onto the astroturf Darnell changes the tide,

By pouring fairy liquid all over the place,

It bubble and froths and Rex nudges his face

With a brush that is then used to froth up the fairy,

Till D jumps in the pool, a little bit lairy.

“Your Mic!” they all cry, and Darnell swears a bit,

“I forgot it was on! Oh big balls! Oh big shit!”

So he’s called to the Diary Room for a strict telling off,

And he acts all blase, like “So what, dude, just f*ck off!”

He goes to the bathroom for a bit of fake tan,

Agreeing to do it when Sara gets her hands

All over his buttocks, all over his bum,

“I might get an erection if I’m having fun!” 

It looks like they’re smearing his backside with poo,

Which is somewhat reversed, just mildly askew,

But nobody’s willing to rub in his crack,

And really, who blames them? Who knows what they’d catch?

“Did you not get your sack done?” asks Mikey the perve

“You’re a real black man now!” he follows, with nerve.

All ex-heads of house gather in BB’s room,

And Sara and Kat wonder if this spells gloom,

That maybe somebody is getting evicted,

And Sara is convinced it’s her, that she’s picked it,

So when Rex reappears and says “We can’t say a word,”

Sara’s so nervous and near drops a turd. 

Then Kat and Darnell have a fight, causing friction

About Darnell’s putting Kat up for fake eviction,

She stands in the doorway and cries like Blair Witch

And Darnell lies on the sofa and has a good bitch.

“I’ve killed myself enough!” he shouts, melodramatic

“Fuck this shit,” he yells, and Kat cries, it’s tragic.

“I see this as Kat making me look real bad,

She’s playing a game, and I’m out, I’ve been had,” 

D shouts at BB, “She’s really so clever,

I can’t win against her, not today, not ever!”

I don’t think it’s her though, young Darnell, old buddy,

I think it’s the fact that you acted so cruddy,

To Sara – remember? – a few days ago,

But it’s nice to have excuses to soften the blow.

Feek of Nature

Day 87! Less than a week left! Excited? Rex isn’t. He is sleeping in the day, and disrespecting Mo being head of house. “I don’t really like you anymore, Kat,” says Rex. Is he joking? Ach, who gives one, right? Rex describes the mood in the house as good. Why shouldn’t it be? It’s the final week! Rex is also interested in Darnell and Sara, so BB powers that be cut to them making inadvertent double entendres in the bedroom. “She leads him on,” says Rex. Is this true? My instincts say not. Not truly leading him him on in the true sense, as I guess she’s the way she is with all male friends, but to the untrained eye I suppose it’s bad. Mo hates it. He thinks it’s fake. “Darnell’s in the house to get muff,” sings Rex. Id’ like a muff. A big furry one for the winter. What’s wrong? Why are you laughing?

Mo goes to the diary room with food all over his face, which Rex finds hirarious. That’s because it is. He is given instructions to read aloud, and they say that each housemate will be quizzed about each other’s personalities, and describe it in choice words: one negative and two positives. “I don’t know many word at all,” says Kat, which we know is a lie. Later, eating lunch, Rex is still going on about Darnell and Sara. “I’m not a ho, Rex,” Sara interjects. The Rex sees a cloud that looks like Picachu, even though it doesn’t, and it goes no further.

Now Darnell kicks off the personality task. His card is for Mo, so he has 90 seconds to find three words housemates used to describe Mo. “You knows it, let’s get it on,” says Darnell. “Greedy!” He says as the clock starts, “Funny, sweet, caring, loving, sensitive, trust-worthy, silly, cool, good-hearted.” He gets three. Kat picks out her own name from the hat, so has to think of three words relating to herself. “Happy, caring, supportive, animating!” She gets three too. Animating? Oh, animated. In between all this, Sara and Darnell are scaring me a little, holding hands and looming over each other. Hm. Kat is in the pool, singing Postman Pat. Honestly. Anyway, Mikey fails the task. which we don’t see, but now onto Mo, describing Rachel. “Healthy, running, I don’t know… Rachel? Happy? Funny? Squeaky? Confused? Weird? Hello? Kisses ass, Rachel…” I think it’s safe to say he failed. In the pool, Rachel and Mikey are instructed to “bum” each other, and I think I have missed something somewhere. In the diary room, Sara is describing Mikey, and she has to pass to get an award. “I can’t do it! Funny, I can’t think, humorous, cheeky, cool, humorous, smart, smart, calm?” She fails. “You could have had honest, flaky, imaginative, loveable, grumpy, temperamental, and persevering,” says BB.

“I can’t believe we didn’t pass that shit,” says Darnell. “There’s nothing to enjoy. I’m sick of all these chances and missing out.” Rex apparently used “special” as one of his words. No wonder they didn’t pass. He also described Rachel as Disney, and Darnell says he put gullible and naive. Hm, talking about this task is a good idea, eh? Anyway, then the housemates go to bed, but Kat is singing. What is she singing? “Itsy bitsy spider, climbing up the sprout.” “You’re bullying my ears!” Rex says. “Teach me more songs, so I can sing,” she says. “I’ll teach you one,” says Rex. “It goes like this.” And he is silent. “That song is the bomb, say Darnell. Kat goes to the diary room. “In here is a bunch of feek. And I’m a feek.” Good. I’ll sleep on that.

My Lady Sets Me Up To Take The Fall.

Hold the phones! Stop all the clocks! Darnell is singing another of his hits. It’s called My Lady, and it features the story of a woman who isn’t self-sufficient, so takes all of his money to go shopping in “the malls”. I predict a hit! And how can I predict this? Because Rex knows someone who own a record label that Darnell really would love. Darnell’s lust for fame has drizzled to the surface this last week, and he’s bursting at the seams. He likens the famousness of the housemates when they leave to that of Jay Z, which is nearly true, if Jay Z were a d-list reality TV star and not the multi-million selling rap-mogul owning husband of Beyonce.

The housemates then do some fake conversations that they might encounter when they leave the house. Mikey wants peanut butter over sex. I hate how he eats peanut butter: I can only assume that he looks truly hideous during the sexual act. In the diary room Rex says that he “really hopes (he) gets a good reaction from the public, that’s all (he) cares about.” I have a feeling that Tuesday will, for Rex, be the worst day of his life. Remember when we all used to like him? I do. 

So, next up, the housemates have to do some cheerleading routines, in two teams – Sara and Lisa. On Lisa’s team, Mikey looks horrendous. He wants there to be a brilliant cheer at the end of their routine where they shout “Sara! You have been evicted!” He waits for the laugh and the rest of his team look upset at that suggestion. TUMBLEWEEDS ETC! It’s actually funny. On the other team, Darnell sings more of his songs, a last minute grab for fame. Lisa’s routines is the worst thing I have ever seen. It’s not dancing: it’s it’s like odd acting and jumping and making – no joke – vaguely sexual noises whilst gurning. Rex shakes his head the whole way through. Sara’s team stand up and do their cheer, which begins – RAP ALBUM STYLE – with a skit about who is leaving BB. The Rex, Mo and Darnell then sing Damn Girl (Not to be confused with Dem Girls, unfortunately), and then Darnell does a rap which features the line “Gonna take you to a Rex-y spot, take you down to a sexy spot.” I see what he did there, but it doesn’t make much sense, unless he’s talking about making dirty on top of one of Rex’s freckles. 

MIKEY IS GIVING A DEMO OF HIS STAND UP! He describes it as toilet humour, very dirty, apparently. His best joke is, “I don’t know if there’s any other blind comedians in the UK, but if there is I’ve not seen them.” Rachel doesn’t get it, so he makes the same joke about the deaf (“I’ve not heard of them”, which doesn’t work nearly as well) and then explains it to Rachel. I wish I were joking. 

Lisa leaves, and Rex tells Kat off for singing. “Attention seeker,” he says, and Kat flips. “I don’t tell you off to stop being arrogant,” she says, “I sing and you arrogant, and angry.” Everyone laughs, and Rachel starts a “GO KAT!” chant that goes nowhere. Whilst Sara is in the diary room Darnell says how happy he is that he’s closer to Sara again, and everyone immediately tells him to back away, don’t fall for her again, and blah blah blah. They then go out to the garden and Sara grabs Darnell and buries his head in her boobs and they flirt and play-kiss a bit and it’s a bit weird. “This is going too far for Darnell,” Rex says inside. “I’ve got so many movies on my laptop,” says Sara, admitting to copyright theft. PRISON IS IN HER FUTURE. Then Sara gets into the pool fully dressed. She’s in a lovely shiny leopard-print top which will be ruined by the chlorine. “Lovely jubbly,” says Kat. In the pool, Darnell and Sara hug and rub each other and sing Don’t Go Breaking My Heart. WHERE IS THIS GOING? THEY ARE SO CLOSE! Sara is rubbing her face against his like a cat! “It’s so warm!” says Darnell, and we have no idea what he is referring to. Possibly the pool? Possibly Sara’s funty.

The housemates then, despite getting worried about the whole Darnell/Sara thing, spur Kat on to run them a bath together. Darnell gets out of the pool with a very clear erection and tucks it twixt his legs, Jame Gumb style. He wanders around the living room hunched over and everyone laughs, and Kat makes hideous noises concerning his member. Then he and Sara jump in the bath together. Darnell then gets out of the bath and walks around and apparently, even an hour later with no action, still has a ‘reccy, sitting on the sofas clutching a towel to himself. That is some staying power, Darnell. I’m almost impressed.

The Albino Singer That Everyone Is Friends With.

According to the bit of text on Sky+, this episode features “highlights from the past 24 hours, including Darnell admitting he has treated some housemates badly.”  

HOLD THE FRAKKING PHONES THERE’S A NEW HEADLINE FOR TOMORROW’S SUN!

I should point out that I know the result prior to writing this, but Sara’s boos are far, far louder than Lisa’s. She’ll surely be evicted, right? WHAT IF AN UPSET OCCURRED? In the house, Mikey and Lisa discuss their noms and how Rex has managed to stay as long as he has, and Darnell cries in the diary room with a talk that is veering so close to suicidal I would honestly be concerned if I were BB. In the living room Rex gets narky about Sara having had too many twos on his cigarettes. Whilst Darnell cries, the housemates speculate that Darnell is walking from the house. “It’s your fault, Sara,” says Rex, “because you embarrassed him so many times.” Then they talk about her like she isn’t even there! This conversation goes on far too long: Sara made Darnell feel bad, apparently, and Darnell is an absolute victim in this situation and Rex shouts at people to shut up loads.

What’s most depressing about this whole thing is that Sara has to run after and be nice to Rex as he is the only one with cigarettes. Oh, and look, Darnell is talking about going home. Big Brother calls Rex into the diary room to remind that, with regards to Sara, his behaviour is being monitored. And then they say the weirdest thing: “It’s important, Rex, to think of how your behaviour will be seen by the viewing public.” Rex then gets very very defensive. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He’s going to get torn apart when he leaves. Torn apart. He then goes and shouts at Sara a bit. This is ridiculous: a house full of people who are either overly aggressive bullies, have guilt complexes, or are a cunning mixture of both. Sara then says that she thinks that Rex is a good boyfriend. Does she fancy him? UGH. Sara then goes mad and creates an insane victim complex – I’m not joking – where she twists some stuff that Rex said and changes the order of events to make him out to be worse than he is, all spurred on – some might even say orchestrated by –  Mikey (who I have always disliked as well, and have found very, very sly). I hate Rex – HATE him – but this is truly odd. We, the viewer, watched her have a cigarette with him, a cigarette that she is now denying ever happened etc… It’s a bit weird. Oh, but Kat likes him, so whatever.

Rex then bans Mikey from talking to him or “mentioning (my) name”. Mikey is no longer allowed to say Rex’s name, therefore, which is the best thing to happen this entire series. I want to know what will happen to him if he does. Rex and Mikey then have a fight about who is the most miserable. I wish I were joking.

And, after the break, all of a sudden Rex comes out and apologises and shakes Mikey’s hand. I wonder if BB has had even more of a talk? Because this is super bi-polar right here. Rex then moans, and then Sara and Darnell moan, and then Darnell says, “I’m tired of being myself. I’m tired of being the albino singer that everyone is friends with.” This still comes down to wanting to be fancied. “Darnell, it isn’t your looks, it’s your personality!” Sara says, and Darnell corrects her: “Personality means nothing.” That’s the problem right there, I think.

“Six more days,” says Darnell, and I totally know how he feels.

AND LISA’S OUT!

Money money money

The Vegas task is continuing tonight, as the housemates mindlessly slide their shopping budget into one-armed bandits, dressed in geriatric Californian tourist wear. Mo is cheating – of course- and Darnell is complaining because the machine Mikey is on is difficult to use. He then starts going on about the hating being labelled ‘amazing’ thing. “No one is saying you’re amazing,” says Sara. He strops off. “What is he like?” asks Lisa. Quite.

Because Mo cheated, the housemates have failed the task, even though they passed, if you get my drift. The housemates then start to worry about what might happen later that night, not least because nominations have not been made. “You know what happens in Vegas – weddings! Imagine that, Lise!” says Rachel. “No, I’m sorry guys, I think it’s an eviction,” says Lisa. Mo is given a feast in the diary room. He has to eat it all, and my goodness, it’s a huge spread of burgers, milkshakes, fries, pancakes and doughnuts. But remember, this is greedy Mo. “It’s do-able,” he says. However, the housemates outside think he is deciding their fate inside the diary room. Wrong! He is feasting to showtunes. “I couldn’t care less if I’m in the final,” says Mikey, which is even more hateful given that he will be, but it apparently matters to Rachel. Why? Who knows. 1 hour and 20 minutes in, and Mo is throwing up into his star-spangled hat. He fails this task, too. “How are you feeling?” BB asks him. “Sick,” is his disingenuous reply.

Anyway, we’ve seen the next bit. The housemates nominate each other by writing on cards and all the housemates see who has picked who. Sara and Lisa are up. Can I just say how appalled I am by this? No? Oh, Rex fans, are you? What do mean? There’s got to be some out there, right? “Some wedding this is!” says Lisa. Do you think Mo would have been nominated if he had not been head of house? Maybe! Lisa and Sara go to the task room to play prisoner’s dilemma, which is to chose to share money, or keep it for themselves (share or shaft, perhaps). They share the money, and win £25,000 each. They are thrilled, of course. Sara cries with delight. Rachel, horribly, leans over and kisses Mikey and says, “We’re in the final.” Yeuch. You shouldn’t be, either of you. Sara and Lisa talk about why they were nominated, but end up laughing like loons because who cares, they’ve won £25,000. Mikey, oddly, tells Rex that Sara is obsessed with him. Hm. Mo doesn’t think Sara deserves the money, but either he doesn’t explain why or it’s cut out – in either case, he’s wrong.

In the diary room, Sara and Lisa express their gratitude for the money. Sara wants her sister (BRITNEY!) to fly over to the UK, and Lisa may spend her money on the wedding, even though she won’t need to, as OK! will pay for that. Ah well. Small mercies, and all that.