Hello everybody! We HAVE missed you all, honestly. It’s been hard. How did we survive Jade’s passing without you here to console us? How did you survive it without us, more to the point? I simply don’t know. Perhaps you didn’t, choosing, instead, to join her on that big old cloud in the sky. We’ll soon know, if our readership drops.
Anyway, we’re all assembled here today to remember all the good that Jade did celebrate the start of Big Brother 10. Davina shows us around the house, but it’s a single room, painted orange, with some crates, a red phone (a la Commissioner Gordon) and a barber’s chair. No bedroom, no anything, just a single room that everybody is living in. And, in a twist, they aren’t actually even housemates yet – they have to earn that right. No idea how, just yet. I’m sure it’ll be revealed. Davina says that two of the housemates will make us sick. Oh good. I’ll now run through the housemates as they wander in to the house, vacant and a bit shit – just like the house! LOL ROFL etc.
Freddie, 23, is an entrepreneur. He studied politics and economics at Oxford, says “Ya” and “Definitely” a lot, and claims to be an anarchist, like so many other prats who do nothing political but think that going to the occasional march somehow renders them with something appropriating power and clarity of political thought. He wears crushed velvet jackets, and wants to be a “young playboy.” The Big Brother Audience Barometer boo him. (I do enjoy the way that the audience judge them based on two minutes of VT. It’s telling. Did they boo last year’s winner when they went in? Jesus, who was last year’s winner, anyway? Does anybody care?)
Lisa, 41, unemployed, is a super-lesbian. She looks like a young punk boy. She lives in a council house and sponges off the government, and is proud of it. Well done her. She has tattoos all over her arms, and likes to convert straight women by having sex with them. She wears leather trousers, and gets some boos, some cheers – the cheers mostly from girls in the audience. Don’t they say that every woman is a little bit lesbian? Maybe they all like her, and want her to turn them. Or maybe they just don’t realise that she isn’t a man. As she poses, somebody in the crowd is holding a big pink sign that reads “RIP JADE GOODY”. Quite. When Lisa introduces herself to Freddie, he greets her, and then seems surprised when she says her name. He expected her to be called Frank, I’m sure.
Sophie, 20, model (in inverted commas). “What’s the capital of Uruguay?” asks the interviewer. “U,” she answers. She’s done page 3. She’s got a chihuahua who she dresses up in clothes. She thinks that she is clever. (Hint: she’s not.) She’s got 30FF boobs, after her implants. She gets cheers that swiftly drizzle their way down into cheers, like sweat down the inside of thighs. She’s a pretty girl, but her breasts are so abnormally large she looks like one of those 1950s Bra models with the pointy zeppelins threatening to pull them to the ground. She walks down the stairs like a winded spider. Freddie kisses her on the cheek. Lisa stares at her boobs.
(We’ve just had a discussion on the housemates here at Big Bother Towers, and have decreed that, thus far, they are quite shit.)
Kris, 24, Visual Merchandiser. “I’m better looking than I am knowledgeable.” He seems like an absolute twunt. He sleeps with women for the stuff that they give him or help him get, and talks about his penis as “the hot seat”. “I don’t care about anything, or anyone,” he says. Kill him. The girls in the audience cheer. Well done. As soon as he gets into the house he asserts himself as the alpha male by mocking Freddie’s hat, and then ignoring him in favour of talking to the women.
Noirin, 25, retail manager. She thinks she’s “beautiful”. She’s Irish and very religious. She looks like a mouse. Last time I checked, mice weren’t “beautiful”. I certainly wouldn’t sleep with a mouse, or with somebody as conceited as Noirin. She claims to follow the 10 Commandments, then tells a story about going out with no pants on. That’s Commandment 6, right, Thou Shalt Not Cover Your Whimsy When Slashed? She gets lots of boos, and once kissed Russell Brand. Brilliant; what a superb way to make me like her even less.
Cairon, 18, student. He asks the interviewer’s name, and they tell him that they are Big Brother. He seems surprised. He’s American(ish), and dresses like he’s Pharrell. He kisses his teeth, and says “ain’t” a lot. “I know I ain’t no ugly dude, I am attractive,” he says. I actually like him. Apparently he’s attracted to big women. I PRAY that this means that he’s a feeder. Apparently, he feels weird when he has to wipe his own bum. I wonder if anybody has ever offered him an alternative and done it for him? He says hello to Freddie, and asks where he’s from. “I’m from the countryside,” says Freddie. Jesus wept.
Angel, 35, boxer and artist. She’s Russian. He has named her abs. She looks hard as frak, and claims that you could stab her with a fork in her heart and she wouldn’t feel it. She used to be a Russian rock star. I am genuinely, for once, a bit lost for words. She’s entering the house dressed like a pantomime Liza Minelli, and the crowd are turning on her, chanting “Off! Off! Off!” before she’s already gone in. She’s milking the audience, but they hate her.
Karly, 21, unemployed. She is a self-professed bitch. “I am, hot, guys will love me,” she claims. She likes well-groomed men with money – footballers, apparently. “I definitely will be one of the popular ones in the house,” she says. The crowd beg to differ. Loudest boos yet. She was once duped into posing naked for a fake photoshoot, apparently. I can’t imagine how that happened, as she seems so clued in. She’s the most generic person in the world, and I cannot fathom for the life of me why she is in this show. Maybe the final line of her application was, “Willing to DP on television”? As somebody else at BB Towers just said, “Her life doesn’t even fill a tweet!” Next to the Sophie, she looks like even more of a scally. OH WAIT!
Marcus, 35, window fitter. He has styled himself like Wolverine, loves comics, and does “heroic” acts like setting fire to his own face. “I don’t know what makes a man handsome,” he says, “but I think I’m cool as fuck.” He is. Davina ecstatically tells us that he once caught a pigeon with his bare hands. This is good. Marcus is the first housemate that I actually like. “Oi oi!” he shouts before he goes into the house. “Oi oi!” he shouts as he meets the housemates. I smell a catchphrase.
Benazir, 28, receptionist. She says that she’s a Pakistani slag, and she’s named after Benazir Bhutto, who her father used to work for. She hates men who are “Mr Charmer, Mr Badman, King Have-Any-Pussy-He-Wants,” the last one of which I’m sure isn’t a real monarch. She won’t like Kris, based on that. She’s actually probably a quite good housemate to have. She has a lot of piercings, and thinks that men are scared of her. I know I am.
Sophia, 26, personal banker. She’s tiny. She’s quite funny. She’s got lupus. She hates “wannabe WAGs” – OH I SEE WHAT THEY’VE DONE! Because she’ll hate Karly! Just like Benazir will hate Kris! Oh my God, what an original way to create conflict! She does nothing but giggle and whirl as she goes into the house, but I actually quite like her. GOOD FUN, as they say, and the crowd agree. Biggest cheer so far, I think!
Rodrigo, 23, student. Likens himself to Barack Obama. “Is nice,” he says. He’s a pretty little Brazilian boy. He claims that England is turning him gay. He’s biseckshual, apparently – if they’re good looking, he’ll try and do them. He is dressed like a weird little Butlins weekend boy. Again, I quite like him. Perhaps they are back-loading this series with the best people? The crowd like him as well. Who would have thought that a funny little camp pretty-man would make a crowd happy?
Charlie, 22, job centre man. He’s a quite well-spoken Geordie, and he dances a bit in his VT. He says that he’s really lovely, and would like to be his own friend. There’s no mention of his seckshuality in the VT, but he’s as gay as something really quite gay indeed, like a big gay God or something. He meets everybody and they sort of crowd him and freak out a bit. As they show us clips of them flitting about I begin to hate Kris even more. Remember last year, when Dale was spraying his musk around to assert himself? That’s Kris’ job this year. He stares at the women’s breasts and sprays them in anticipation of trying it on. Apart from Lisa and Angel – I think it’s safe to say that he’s leaving their boobs well alone.
Saffia, 27, dental nurse. “I’m not a nice person, and I can’t see good or nice things in anybody.” She’s horrid, or honest. One or the other. She has two kids, but isn’t with either of the fathers. I wonder why? She seems so lovely! Who wouldn’t want to settle down with somebody who hates everybody and everything, and doesn’t like anybody, or want to know anything about them? She also really, really should be wearing a bra, but she isn’t, and they do a funny little jiggle as the crowd boo her something chronic. Apparently, she would consider lesbianism. Somewhere, Lisa The Converter’s ears/flaps prick up.
Sree, 25, student union president (which is an awful excuse for a job). He wants to enhance his understanding of people, and his reputation. He thinks that, in the 1980s, the Queen walked the streets and smelled Jasmine or something. I don’t know. When he gets out of the car he’s in a hideous Union Jack shirt, and thinks that England is the safest place in the world. Somewhere, the BNP are sharpening their knives. He seems like a nice enough person, but utterly desperate to be liked, and really trying far too hard. Remember, Sree: we destroyed your country a hundred years ago, and left you with only cricket, teabags and an utterly ruined caste system. One Slumdog Millionaire later does not a suitable apology make.
Siavash, 23, event organiser. He has a delightfully machiavellian pirate moustache, and claims to be more rock starish than any rock star. Apparently, according to him, everyone fancies him. He’s truly hideous, utterly self-obsessed and blindingly arrogant. I hope that this is an act. I mean, really, I can’t stand him. I usually laugh at comedy arrogance, but he’s just truly hideous, name-dropping and vile, like some weird Devendra Banhart that is somehow even more unlikeable. “Daddy is home,” he says as he enters the house. If you were my Daddy, Siavash, I’d be getting all Culkin-ed up and divorcing you. Big boos, anyway!
So, there’s some contestants, I suppose. NOT, however, housemates, no! Not yet! The barometer of the crowd seems quite spot-on, actually, cheering all the ones that I like. Well done crowd! So, now, two potential housemates might upgrade their statuses to official housemates but completing a challenge. I wonder which two? Big Brother calls a housemate to the diary room, and Rodrigo goes through. He is as camper than anything I have ever seen, and looks more than a little bit like Sharleen Spiteri. (Incidentally, Big Brother’s microphone is absolutely wrecked, really muffled and unclear. On purpose? Or a snafu?) So, Rodrigo’s personal challenge is to convince somebody to sit on the barber’s chair in the living room, let him shave their eyebrows and draw a pair of glasses and a curly moustache on their face with permanent marker. If he does it, both he and the volunteer will become housemates. Best part? The housemate who has the moustache and glasses drawn onto their face has to have it redrawn on every single day. AAARGH! And he only has 4 minutes to win this challenge!
He runs out and tells everybody what’s happening. Well, he tries to. They are all shouting and confused, and he isn’t offering the clearest description of the task. Noirin says that she’ll do it, and runs to the barber’s chair. She’s either gutsy or utterly desperate to be on the show. I think we know which one it is. He shaves her eyebrows, but she’s had them inked on, so it makes no difference, and then draws the ‘tache and glasses on in marker. Crucially, Rodrigo didn’t tell Noirin that she has to keep the stuff drawn on her face every day. She’ll be happy when she finds that out. (This Big Brother voice is really awful, incidentally, fumbling his words. Oh well.)
As a final kick in the twunt, the show ends with a card prolaiming that it was “In memory of Jade”. Says it all, really.
Anyway, that’s today’s fun over. Join us over the next few days as other people become housemates, or don’t. Oh, and follow us at twitter.com/bigbotheruk, where I’m sure we’ll be offering you something or other. Words, probably.
Big Bother 